JudithKB-
Thank you. Well said.
Exactly how I see it. What I would wish for DH if our roles were reversed, and what he'd wish for me. To see him through and to live out the remainder of my life vigorously will honor both of us.

Judith that is beautiful. Truly.

Thinking on it some I could visit say my sibling just once a week, but somehow I can't with Lynn. I did try it for awhile (per doctors orders) But the truth is it was harder for me to see him that little. I think the less time you spend with your loved one, the harder the visits are. The declines don't come steady and slow, they hit me like a 2X4 every time I entered the door. I also felt I "lost" the connection, it was harder to get him to respond to me. But that is me and Lynn. Everyone’s situation will be just as unique as they are.

Trying to choose my words carefully here…..Lynn’s “condition” can’t help but affect how I live the rest of our time together. I don’t visit him out of a sense of duty or guilt, I visit with him simply because he is still my husband and I still deeply love him. Not spending time with him daily would seem unnatural to me.

If I can do anything, just anything, to make his days a little brighter, a little better, well I want to do that for him. There is no doubt that me being there not only improves his quality of life, but it also brings him joy. This is pretty clear by his smiles and his laughs. And seeing him happy, well it makes me happy. I ENJOY my time spent with Lynn. So I guess I am doing what everyone suggests, I am doing what makes me happy, the big bonus is it also makes Lynn happy too.

That is what works for me and I readily accept and completely understand that it may not be what is best for everyone, but it is what is best for Lynn and I.

From my posts on our FB group and my "wall", you know I agree with that sentiment Emily. It rips at my heart terribly when I am unable to go in for any reason.

I think you all are amazing! Balance if there is such a thing now.. Not a NEW life but healthy balance. I've been paralyzed unable to do more than essentials. What was ordinary is now a different ordinary and thats ok too. Paralysis is the nearly the same as Sinking.

There was a time at the ALF when I may as well have been employed there. The daily time spent involved helping and mopping and cleaning and doing things that workers werent'doing. I took care of him there, showered, changed, took him for Bingo, took him out for rides. Tried to do and be for him what the place had advertised but wasn't. Felt terribly guilty most of the time knowing that I couldn't take care of him at home and probably overcompensated. It can't be a NEW LIFE.. But other people go about doing normal things as well as take care of loved ones. Don't they?

Yes Judy--I do think paralysis and sinking are in the same category. The only way I stay afloat/shake off paralysis is MAKING myself do something when I feel it setting in. Ride my bike, go to the store, visit a relative. If you feel those numbing forces you just have to throw yourself out there in response.

A few weeks ago I posted about reconnecting with an old fling. I got such great responses from so many of you that were happy I was happy. Both the fella and I made a committment to not get to physical out of respect for my dh. Well, we visited at my house and things never got out of the way. He kept assuring me nothing could make him leave our friendship and I could depend on him to be here when I needed him. Well it has been over a week since I have heard from him. No calls, no text, no nothing. Along this short friendship I have had doubts but been advise to just not be so negative. Well it seems I was right to be negative. This fella won't even tell me what went wrong. To make a long story shorter, I realized I was taking too much time away from my dh. I was tired, trying to make everything come together in my life. I could not do it. Not hearing from this fella hurts, but it is a blessing in disguise because I am centered again. I am spending more time with my dh, who doesn't know me and forgets when I am there, but his smile still lights up my day. I will always love him, and he will be the first one in my life for a long time to come. But I do want to be held, to be told I am pretty, to laugh when I hear someones voice, to have another person look at me in a special way. I am lonesome. I hurt. I am still alive with a liveing dead spouse. I am in a state of depression where I am happy just laying in bed. I have to make myself get out of bed and respond to things. I know this is not the life I want or need but it is the place I am at right now. I was putting my happiness in the hands of this friend and when he stopped coming around it hurt. I now know I was just lonesome. I am now backing up and liveing moment by moment cause hour by hour hurts too much. I will heal but I don't know when. It is ok. I just want to say, all of the things posted in this discussion is what we all need to help us understand what we are really going thru. There is no sure answer. Maybe we just need to let life guide us for awhile without us using all our energy trying to figure it out. I am tired and am committing to myself to just be safe, relax, and have fun while being as responsible as I can. I am being the best caregiver I can to the man I love. I commit to love myself too. One moment at a time......

"Let life guide us for a little while...and just be safe"

I think you analyzed everything pretty well in your post mammie. Sorry that happened.

There aren't any solutions that solve an experience of this magnitude except time. Effort and luck can reduce that time and resistance and denial can lengthen it.

First off in my view is to try and understand what we are and what some of our needs are. It's clear some don't believe in placement or haven't got that opportunity. If we do place them, then some believe we should continue to focus our lives around them there while some feel we should try and start building the new life that is coming/virtually here which is being single/alone. Most people do both.

I think those of us who try to 'solve' things are in for a real challenge. The reactions to experiences of this magnitude, extent, and duration are not going away quickly. They might be blocked out or avoided but most likely our reactions to such huge changes and hurt will take time.

There is another important truth here which is that our spouses are still suffering from this disease. There is no possiblility any real healing for us. There my be some time to catch up somewhat inside with events while we have passed the care of our spouse on to professionals, and some time to get a foot or two down onto the ground with where we find we now are; but, any final healing of the caregiver can't really start to occur fully until after all of our caregiving responsibilities have passed.

I don't think we should limit our ideas either. Even though I continue to care for my wife, and while I respect that each person has their own ideas, I do not believe that volunteering should be my only option for a future or that it's wrong to start working towards a full and meaningful life.

But I also believe that I cannot find happiness as an individual within the ongoing tragedy of what is happening to my wife. I can fully understand wanting to and believe that those feelings aren't just natural - they are the very essence of the idea that all people look for meaning in their life and that each life is important.

What I can do, given that this truth is inevitable, is to prepare for it. And in my view that means starting to take steps which in my world are a combination of working towards acceptance by thinking about all this things that have happened and what they mean so that I have my own understanding of them and am beginning to accept those things. And at the same time as part of that, figuring out what I am, what I want, and how to move towards that. Which means in my mind to get started on creating my own moments and building new meanings for my life.

That's exactly what I read in mammie's post. Create moments, consider them, see ourselves, and try to help ourselves through them. After all, anyone that says people in our situation or with a star are 'normal' in the sense that the average person with average experiences has an average reservoir of 'normalcy' with which to react to new events with, is fooling themselves. We are damaged and I mean seriously. Those that go through these experiences and are not seriously damaged - I do not understand.

Some extra care for ourselves during this difficult transition time I think must be there. This becomes clear when we think of them. Of how devastating the events have been for and to them. And then try to take in that two people have been living that long nightmare. And you are the only one who understood every single bit of it. You are the only one capable of receiving all the shocks with full comprehension - and full damage to the mind and soul.

One of the more difficult concepts (I would call it the only reality) - is that they are not here in the way we remember them. They are the same person and they are not because the disease has shut down much of that and continues to do so. I work hard to remember that I am the only one of the two of us that really understands what we are both suffering. And by that fact, I am the only one suffering what I intuitively believe we are both suffering - except only I am at this point. And while each of our spouses is different, that has to be substantially true or they wouldn't be there.

I think a sound approach in these difficult circumstances is to begin finding moments and understand that solutions are further down the road. A solution to what? To being ok. To being comfortable enough with life again. To be happier. That's going to take time and frankly has to end first and in my opinion is better faced now than later.

I'm sorry, Mammie, that it didn't work out. You set boundaries and stuck to them - perhaps he was hoping you'd change your mind. My guess is that he didn't have the staying power. From your earlier post, I read that he drove truck and wasn't around much the first time. It seems to me that's his style. Everyone wants to be loved and cherished, and, yes, we're all more than susceptible because of where we've been. I know that it hurts badly right now, but it would hurt more the longer and more involved you got. I think you got out in time. You'll be okay.

And there's this other thing which I haven't described yet because I'm not sure what it means...

I do want to see Jeff every day, as long as I can. But there is a strange little feeling of dread or trepidation that accompanies my thoughts of going to the ALF. Once I get there I'm fine, and I like the place, like the people, appreciate my time with Jeff whether or not he has any clue who I am in relation to him.

So I'm not sure where my nervousness is coming from. It might be a fear that I'll get there and sense some awareness on his part that I've abandoned him, or removed him from his "normal" life. That hasn't happened yet, and probably won't...or at least I don't think he has any idea what his "normal" life should be, but it still worries me.

Or, there's just a big part of me that doesn't want to witness him lingering on in a life that he wouldn't want. But he is alive, and I'm trying to make it as pleasant as I can...but I guess I am just so sorry that I want to forget this is happening.

Anyway, it's impossible to feel absolutely settled in the life of an AD spouse, no matter what your stage, or what care tools you're employing.

Thanks for all the replys on my post. I am so glad this happened now instead of later. It makes me want to go beat him up and Nikki if we both get him there might not be anything left. He has not only hurt me but how that is turning to anger. I am damn mad. He is the one with a problem and that may be the issue. He can't handle "issues". Well my life is one big fat issue and it is ok. I can handle it as a caregiver that is strong, durable, and ready to handle anything. That may include crying, reaching out to others and screaming but it is all good. I love all my family here and have faith that we all will bounce back from whatever we are dealt. We are survivers and it will take more than a little heartache to stop me. If anything this will just give me more gumption to make it on my on.
Wolf, I agree that we have been so used to wanting others to reach out to us and our loved one, that now that it is our turn to reach out to the world and prepare to enter into it again, we are finding it hard to reach out. There are millions of ways we can begin. We just have to take the first steps..... which are the hardest. Beginning to sound like we are the babies here,,,,,, in our attempt to continue life we have to begin again and learn to take baby steps until we can handle our daily feeling better. I wish all of us much luck with all the happiness we can find.
Thanks to all of you for giving me strength when I feel so weak...... I love you all...... goodnight.....

I have been reading this awesome thread today. I just want to jump in briefly. I know I am not a member yet.
But gratefulness is so in me and lucky I read all this.

Here is what sticks out.

Mammie, our lives are one big fat issue. (love us anyway)
Nikki, your quote from Frank.

and Wolf, it may have been on another thread, but, it was simple, that there are more good people out there than rotten. I have clung to that and it has helped me so much, as the ones that used to be closest have turned out to be the rottenest.

I may be getting a "short" placement of 3 weeks respite for Dado in mid November. Not sure if I cannot see him for 3 whole weeks though, as it is on another island.

love you guys.

I'm half way through month six on my own and it's changing. It has all along I suppose but I doubt there are more than a couple of new revelations left for me. It's difficult to be objective in assessements and everyone is different but my own experiences are becoming clearer.

My wife being in a NH and her condition are very painful for me which seems sane. I don't second guess the doctors and nurses there. They're her main caregivers now and I have moved more to being an advocate. They've nudged her meds to the point where she's reasonably balanced and much less aggitated. When I see her and when I think about her many times a day it's always very painful. I keep her pictures everywhere. There's one in front of my monitor now with that look she had. In our last meeting of all her caregivers, I asked them to give me an opinion of her degree of awareness and they all agreed it was nearly non existent. The social worker gently nudged me about having arrangements made.

She could go on for some time. We don't know. I am likely to go on for some time. We don't know.

I wrote in my first post in 2010 that I mean to survive this and what that means. I remain me, do not lose my sense of adventure, do not lose laughter or making others laugh, do not lose my love of life, and do not shirk or try to avoid the pain or deny that the experience is life altering.

Carol is charting with me my 100 walks this summer. She can't walk but she follows along with me. Having a buddy in a similar situation I think has been very important. We've become friends now and perhaps the facebook group provides that for Carol and others as well. My experience has been that all pros try to nudge you to going to the meetings with other AD people but I think a buddy system facility along the lines of AA would be a blessing for AD spouses. That type of connection is different from this board and both should exist in my mind.

I cannot unknowingly be me anymore. There is likely little personal recognition of that because we continue while it is the events that change around us. But that is not so. We are affected everywhere because this level of life altering event affects everything. I get feedback on this from friends and family; but, I disregard much of it. My sister and I are quite close, are one year apart, and can really talk. But the truth is she doesn't know me in the nuanced sense. And neither does my best friend where we can finish each other's sentences. The levels of change I mean are generally outside the range of even these close relationships. I can't speak about children since I don't have any.

No one senses just how strange I have felt inside my own body. How alien I have felt in my life. How many times I have understood that if I feel so badly now then how will I be able to go on? The stunning experiences of seeing that I'm completely ignoring some things unless they come right into my face. Like my christmas tree in the living room which I can unsee just as quickly as I see. The first time I realized it was there it hit me hard but I have come to realize I will be walking in an alien landscape for some time and need to accept it's going to remain weird for a while.

In the first month I was clearly in shock. Numb and entrenched in defence because I had taken us through five years of EOAD at home. Your skin becomes leather. Then the sorrow started, the feelings started, I began to have emotions again and they were all painful. I saw from a different place that these things had really happened to us and I felt so sorry for her (which I still do) and then sorry for us, and finally sorry for me.

It took months to decompress, begin realizing, and begin feeling again. It was so painful, my mind seperated the realities which Carol also went through. I was either here and had no other thoughts. Or I was there and had no other thoughts. Gradually those realities reconnected and now I live in the saddness of all the truths together.

The clearest signs come from those things constantly within our life I believe. Two good indicators are food and chores. How am I eating? I was cooking and eating better before. Now I'm not and I don't understand but am aware of it. My chores keep improving. Both in those that I do and those I allow myself not to care about. I came to that catbox numerous times in the early months and had fits about how badly I was taking care of them. I would realize I hadn't watered the plants and see that another one had died. Now I don't need help remembering the catbox and I keep it clean. The plants get watered regularly. I pay the bills on time without needing help to remember and check them. I haven't vacumned in well over a month and my kitchen floor is awful on close inspection. I pick up crumbs and wipe a spill. Haven't washed that floor in months.

Wolf, I wish I had some wise words of wisdom to help you through this. But the truth is, as I see it anyway, that this is something we each have to battle ourselves. It took me close to two years to fully climb my way out of the trenches of the abyss to reach a place of peace I could accept and live with. I hope it takes you less time. You are in mourning Wolf, it will take time... in your own time, in your own way, you will work your way through the pain. I am so sorry you are hurting ((hugs))

I've been unclear. I'm getting over this. I'm starting to enjoy myself. I'm steadily feeling more like myself and having the thoughts about life that are and feel like me. I miss her and I watch out for her. And I'm going swimming a lot at the beach and am having more useful thoughts about what I might do with my life.

I'll try a different approach. I've spent these six months which are the worst six months of my life so far in the most extreme emotions and reactions. I hope that placing my partner into a home is the worst thing I will have to do in my life. I won't take up space here going through them or how much I love her.

I have worked through the questions below and have answered them. I believe it is the degree of sincerity with which we address things and the degree of comittment with which we tackle them which shape materially whether there is change by course of action or change by circumstance.

I'll offer one example. If we believe we must accept what has happened then we must be working seriously to do that or we do not actually believe what we say we believe. Some people will spend the rest of their days in the vortex of a truly bad thing that has happened in their lives. I do not believe in that. I accept the events and the pain and the heartache for her; but, both my wife and I believe the survivor must get over this and that means fighting to accept what was and what is now. And I don't mean wishing - I literally mean fighting. Which in this situation means coming to terms through thoughts with the realities.

And one example of that. When I was first alone the shock and power were fierce. I wailed on the floor and broke things in anger. I felt so alien it was scary at times. I saw her empty chair and cried and went into hours of that. I would feel so sorry for her and weep at what has happened to her. I missed her intensely now. The real her, and even the parts I had at the different stages. And for some time now I sigh at the empty chair, and I do miss her, and I talk to her. But I haven't cried or shuddered or felt alien for a little while now. And even now when I pull all this out so I can tell you, I'm sad and I miss her and I'm sorry for her; but, it's more of a sigh than an anguish.

Carol can back me up that while I post here once in a while, she has daily insight as I do in her situation, and this is not a jump from one place to another. It is a daily journey in which I struggle (downgraded from fight) and where, while I will not trust or rest for some time (another year), I have killed the beast. I was trying to say that in the post above; but, apparently didn't.

Alzheimer's has had it's way with us. But it is out of bullets and I have hacked it's head off. It has all but killed her and will succeed in doing that. But I have stood by her and even though she would agree that everything she valued that she was is gone, we will fight together to bring her end as painlessly and as comfortably as possible.

I have no respect for a disease. I have no idea why she was taken. But I accept that these things are. And I offer no one any apologies for going to the beach. Or for understanding that I have to get past her and that I'm doing that right now. I don't need to invent a new life. I'm already in it.

And as I continue to move on, my mind will continue to pull out all the things we did and had together and how very fortunate I was to have her all that time, and that those memories were as real then in their moment as this moment is now. What is happening will always be painful and be a great loss. But as I move on, she is invited, and Alzheimer's is not. It spent it's lifeforce, did it's damage, and has nothing left to offer. Making that a truth in reality was always up to me. And the only way to do that is to get over it in real life.

Here are the questions:

Does grieving start after we place them?
Is it selfish to work on some happiness for yourself when your spouse is in a residence?
What would our spouse think about their own actual condition right now and what would they want us to do?
How can I trust what is objective and real from inside this powerful experience?
Does accepting this tragedy in my life mean moving past it and past them?
What do I believe? Am I doing what I believe?

Wolf - I think all here have concluded that we start to grieve as we loose them. And NO - is not selfish or maybe it is because if you don't start to work on it you will be stuck and then the disease might end up taking too. To care about yourself while looking out for your spouse after placement - I guess you could call it selfish.

I believe for you, a person who loves the written word, will answer all these questions for YOU as you write. It amazes how many answer come when writing our thoughts, examining them, 'reading between the lines', etc.

I am glad you had the release of anger - I think that is part of what is helping you to go on.

Charlotte,

You are absolutely right. Answers come better when writing it. But you nailed me when you said "answer all these questions for YOU as you write". That's it exactly.

I've thought about it, it's something I'm wresting with, and then I say it as honestly as I can, and then I go back and read it. Not the writing. What the truth is for me. Joan writes some of those blogs for others. Some don't enter the bulletin boards - they read Alzheimerspouse.com. Some I suspect are her own discoveries and her own working through things like the rest of us.

I talk like this. Not socially, but seriously. I'm not composing anything and I think that would be disgusting to do in such a serious place. Besides, many can hear a false note very quickly when reading because writing things down that you think - is several forms of revelation at once.

I'm not magically better. I still have depression, sorrow, and anger. But this morning once again our X lifelong friends came across my mind and I started on it and another voice inside said 'let it go', and I can now move on, their memories have less power, I make another committment that I want to let it be, and as the days and months pass, the power of that one thing is being drained and is already mostly gone. It's precisely truths like that which show me where I honestly am. There are many such issues and topics and I work on them all with complete sincerity to myself otherwise I'm wasting everybody's time - and the truth is I have real motivation to learn to let things go from the past and find my new way in real life. I've learned through hard experience that being brave is one thing, resolving things truthfully inside yourself is quite another.

Besides, about writing, I'm an eight finger typist and used to break 100 words per minute including punctuation. When you combine that with my beliefs that real communication between people is very powerful for us, and that my needs here are as big as anybody else's (we're all just human) - you get more that I don't write here - I talk.

The funny thing is that I'm probably the wordiest person on this board right now - and yet I hack and slash what I want to say like a machete in the jungle including this post.

If there's anyone reading this and they're shy or reluctant to write their thoughts more, I promise you that if you write your truths more it will help you in real ways you will only understand afterwards.

How is your stove? Were you able to get that fixed?

"What would our spouse think about their own actual condition right now and what would they want us to do?"

He would want me to euthanize him, which I cannot do of course. His second choice would be for me to do exactly as I have done--find him care so I am not doing it 24/7.
Neverthless, despite the conviction with which I know this is true, it is difficult to separate this knowledge from my awareness of the confusion inherent in his actual current reality.

WolF

What great insight. You words resonate.

A witches brew .......aptly described.

Resentment,loneliness,self loathing,pissy moods,hate, anger, and still, we continue love that beautiful person.
Even as we wonder will we ever know peace.

This2 will pass

Wolf, you've described the range of emotions so well. The outside world seems to think that if you've placed your spouse that your worries are over. It's been 21 months for me and just recently had to move him to a facility with better care. It's working out better than I'd hoped, but the nighttime agitation is still going on and he gets combative. Every time over these past months when I feel I can breathe easily something new happens and I go through all the stages you described so well. "Results may vary"? They sure do!

Hi Judith...I'll try to give a rough synopsis.
Jeff was, despite his cognitive impairment, pleasant and cooperative with me, trusted me, and I could take him anywhere. For about 8 years.
At the beginning of 2012 he fell off a big cliff. He went from cognitively impaired to Alzheimer's-crazy. Aggressive, delusional, agitated...and probably most pertinent to the placement decision--he was losing track of who I am, AND seemed to have lost all recognition of/appreciation for our home.

So that was a big change that made me feel that location of care, and who did the care were no longer essential components. It didn't have to be here, and it didn't have to be me.

Then the decision was kind of a snowball rolling downhill. I visited a few places as his changes escalated--still thinking "just in case," but by the time daughter and I had decided on the one we liked best for him his issues were serious enough that when they had a spot for him (instead of the expected waiting list) I could think of no reason not to take it.

As for care for bed-bound people--yes, ALFs will do that in many cases. I know there are certain medical needs that do NOT fall under the list of care-tasks that an ALF will perform, but I'm not sure what they are. I think that someone without serious medical complications who simply has become bed-bound as a normal process of the disease can still be cared for, and when the hospice stage is reached (meaning there might be a need for certain nursing functions such as morphine,) the visiting hospice service can often take care of that.
Someone else might be better informed about the differences between what an ALF will do, and what sorts of problems require a nursing care facility.

JudithKB---for me, it took several months to recognize and admit the need to place before I started the search. Then I placed him on waiting lists at the 2 NHs that had locked units (elopement issues). We waited, and waited. Other things in the household began to increase the need, so I increased my efforts to line a place up. When I finally had an ALF lined up (costs would have been damaging) they decided to postpone admission while I tried to get him on meds to stop his smoking---trigger for elopement issues. During the postponement, we had the Altercation occur that sent him to the hospital for med eval, and all that happened after.
ALF's "Assist" with ADLs. A bed bound person with Dementia would likely not fit that level of care. My DH was transferred to a NH ( the one I'd hoped for) when his problems had been sufficiently stabilized. The transfer was because, besides his Stage 6 VaD he had been Dxd with Congestive Heart Failure, which required very close monitoring. As he settled in, further monitoring and tests determined the CHF was caused by Aortic Stenosis at the most severe stage. Treatment is open heart surgery with heart-lung machine to replace the valve--not feasible given VaD. The NH provided excellent care, along with Hospice. The Cardiologist guessed we might have maybe a year. DH's Memorial Service was today--a month later.

My best advice? Visit facilities, ask questions, talk to his Dr. Figure out what servics are needed, and then get on waiting lists ASAP.

Thank you all so much for your input. I know it was so difficult for each of you as it will be for me.
It seems the worse he gets the sweeter he gets...guess I should count my blessings. I will be looking at the various places that I want to consider.

Judith,

This isn't a torture dungeon. We don't need whipping scars on our backs as criteria. My wife was so sweet and loved by all that I have found out that some of my friends were really just interested in her and apparently saw me as an appendage. That's the worst thing I can say about her in 42 years.

One of the truly saddest things I have had to endure in my life has nothing to do with Alzheimer's. It is the truly nice people I have met who just can't self-authorize. My insides have been torn out by that so often because I am not like that and it is so hard/impossible to reach them. I have had to watch several people I loved self destruct either to death or into a deep well for no other reason than they cannot gain perspective they believe.

Perspective is not just looking out through the two holes in our skull. It is seeing ourselves in an accurate picture where we are one of the points of view. And generally people aren't too bad at that. That is until they themselves should be one of the things in that picture. People are just terrible at that even though there is a huge, huge difference between understanding the thing and making a choice of what action we will take. We always have that choice and we always make it even when we are sure we are not. Not making a choice because it is too hard IS making a choice.

When that awful moment came where I knew I couldn't anymore, I demanded more truth from myself and admitted I don't want to anymore. To this day no one wants to hear that because it isn't "in idiom" of some removed characterization of all this. But it is the truth and I find when I'm truthful to myself the sand beneath my feet does not shift later.

I can always look myself in the eye (in the mirror) and say out loud I went as far as I could and I'm ok with what that has done to me and what I gave to her. The damage this disease has done to all our lives including her family and her other loved ones is immense. You didn't do that. I didn't do that. It has happened to us.

The idea that saving yourself is never right is what brings tears to my eyes. Sacrificing ourselves to save others is one of the noblest things humans believe in. We always admire and respect that. But our spouses will not be saved. There is only one person to 'save'. And for some it is never alright to do that. That's what is so sad. The strong can take care of themselves. It is the nicest people that need the help.

I put my wife into a nursing home because I didn't want to take care of her like that anymore. I hate that truth but I will not lie. And now while she is dying I am going swimming. And people should stop reacting to the surface of things as though I am being self critical. I'm just telling the truth. What the heck do people mean when they say they are trying to find a new life but are actually tangled in a web of guilt?

We are such tragic creatures which is unavoidable given the soul in the physical existence. That's the point I'm pretty sure. In my worldview everyone isn't supposed to put everyone else first - what a dysfunctional chaos that would be. We're supposed to do what WE think is right. And that means what most fits for everyone in that picture and that includes you.

I think many of us are looking for something where we feel alright inside doing this but that doesn't happen unless there are very clear things going on where it's necessary. The truth is we're going to feel guilty and awful because we're decent human beings and that's what this is supposed to feel like because that too is the truth.

Our spouses love us and loved us and they have their own marriage vows to keep. Those rights are not taken away only the ability to do so with sound mind. They want us to survive this awful disease too. I'm pretty sure that's a truth too. And it that isn't true - well I don't know what to say there.

Yeah Wolf...sometimes I skim you, because you can ramble (not complaining, mind, it's probably good for you, and you always include some very choice nuggets,) but the last post did squeeze a couple tears out of me because I'm having a bit of a sad time today thinking about the condition my husband is in (medicated to keep him settled and non-violent, even though I can see perplexity still in his expression at the worst times.)

I go at least every morning, but I'm taking this afternoon off because I don't want to see it. That's truth. I can't help him. My presence doesn't help him. So I have to find pleasant things to do, and pleasant things to think about...instead of-- I wish I could help him, but I can't.

Emily--I take at least a day off every week (usually Sundays) for the same reason you said--I don't want to see it. Although my presence seems to bring some comfort to Steve, the split second I walk away he seems unaware that I was even there.