My wife, Clare, has made a wonderful adjustment to her new life in an ALF that began one week ago. Maybe being on the room waiting list for more than 4 months helped so I could continue to remind Clare of the changes that were coming and prepare her better. She is totally happy and has already made a few good friends in her "Reflections Unit" of 32 people in the nearly 200 bed ALF. She is enjoying all of the daily activities, likes her room, is eating better than she did at home, and is staying up later and waking up earlier and yet not as tired as she always was at home. A combination of more physical activity, and better daily nutrition, may be responsible for that. All I know is that seeing her so visibly happy when I visit each day has eased my sadness a great deal. As I've posted before, because an ALF placement was necessary ... or hiring live-in home care, an option neither of us wanted ... I had zero guilt over the ALF placement. Getting into that empty bed that first night was definitely the worst time for me ... as I had expected ... and I know to expect tears now and then for a long time. These 1st 6 days have not been without glitches, but until all the aides become familiar with Clare, I know I have to expect that. And even after that familiarity I know that, just like in any bureaucratic institution, I have to expect that there will always be occasional slip-ups. But, the bottom line is that today marks the end of my first week with Clare in an ALF and living alone by myself ... and we have both made it through about as well as I could have hoped. for.ore importantly, Clare is happy and in a safe/secure environment. And MarilynMD ... I will heed your advice, but right now I am visiting daily from 3-5 which is a 'social hour' and activity hour that is not all that important to Clare, so I'm not pulling her out of her favorite activities. Twice a week there is a 4 p.m. musical program, however, so I join her for that. Then I bring her to the dining room and leave at 5. After a few weeks, I'll probably pull her out occasionally to go to a restaurant for lunch or dinner. We'll see. But so far it's been an incredibly good transition for Clare, much easier and better than I would have predicted, and that is all that really counts.
Actvann, I am happy for you that it has gone well. My husband has been in for about a month. I am still trying to sort things out. He is adjusting well and now that he is placed I feel the transition is probably more difficult for me than him. One thing that I have realized since placement is that altho I thought I was taking pretty good care of myself when he was at home I really was not. I was so totally totally distracted with all that I had to do that I never allowed my true feelings to surface. I was just in a constant world of frustration, anger and resentment. Now that I have some space the feelings of sadness are surfacing which is a good thing. I have made the decision to see someone to help me deal with the feelings. Going to see him has been difficult even tho he seems about the same as at home and is adjusting. I trust that my situation will improve as time goes on. I do believe I made the right decision.
It's good to hear of the smooth transitions for our LO's.
acvann, I think how much time we spend with our LO's is different for each one of us & it's probably going to take you a while to figure that out. I only live 10 minutes away from the Veterans Home & now that Tom need to be fed I try to go in once a day at lunch time or dinner time to feed him. I actually feel guilty on the days I don't go & I know I shouldn't. The staff there is very caring & they tell me all the time not to feel guilty because they are taking good care of him. I know that, but after being married for 44 years it's hard not to see him everyday.
He has been there almost a year & he took a deep decline a while back. He is in a wheel chair & he needs to be fed & he doesn't make sense when he talks. He still recognizes me & last night he was pretty “with it” & when I would kiss him he would call me “beautiful” & tell me that I'm a good lady. Well it reduced me to tears. When I left I was piratically sobbing & the aid who was taking care of him was trying to comfort me. I don't know what's worse – when he doesn't remember me, or when he does.
My husband Don was diagnosed in 2007 but had been having problems for some time before that. He went to Memory Care yesterday (Wednesday). He has stayed there before for Respite. They suggested I wait a few days to visit. I plan to go Sunday. I hope I can keep from crying in his presence. Today I went by there to sign some papers and they commented on how sweet he is. Yes, that's true. But he can certainly be obstinate when he gets in one of those moods! They also said he is going from place to place in his wheelchair. He has a bad hip and the walker had gotten to be almost as painful as no assistance at all. Wish I had thought of the wheelchair before. But I was leery of the stairway.
Now I don't know what to do with myself. We have been together since 1981. It hurts.
Dear Judy, yes it does hurt. You've had many years of caregiving, and perhaps you could use this time to take care of yourself. Go out for lunch. Shopping. Whatever will give you pleasure. After spending all of our time, energy and thought on them, we lose sight of ourselves. It does take time and discomfort to make the shift. But you canl do it.
Today I went and filled out all the paperwork for DH as he has moved last week into LTC. He arranged this on his own as he said it is the best place for him, and it turns out it is. He is doing great and is the darling of all the staff. He has only had one outburst and this nurse has difficulty following the procedure of how to talk to bvFronto patients. I have told the care manager that they need to take care of this problem or I will put in a formal complaint against her. I will not have him pushed into aggression because of her lack of knowledge. He loves it there and when I took him out for a walk and a stop at the drug store he reverted to the" I'm your boss and you know nothing" guy I had at home. So no more walks with me alone. This place is great and I am so happy we found it. I am having a problem with being left behind and I just don't know where to start this new life of my own that everyone says I must get on with. After 42 yrs of marriage it is not easy to be alone and have it all to do. No more nice talks to help with advise on a project or dinners out. I'm not a widow or a divorced person. So what am I ????? As Pauline Boss wrote" here but not here" I am really happy that he likes this place and is happy there.
I am way too tired at this late hour to write at length, but I wanted you to know that I will do so tomorrow. For now, let me say that this new life is not easy. It is going to take a lot of patience to go through the emotional stages that come with placing a spouse. I am 7 weeks in, and just starting to be able to get up in the morning without feeling empty, directionless, and nauseous.
Someone here coined the phrase - midow. Midway between wife and widow.
I too am about 7 weeks into placement. I still have this need to take care of him even tho he is being taken care of. Yesterday I was having a good day and he called me asking when I was coming to visit. I told him I had just been there on Tuesday and was there for his dinner and he could not remember. No matter how often I go he cannot remember. The kids are visiting so he is getting visitors but it seems he just wants me. so many feelings are surfacing now that I have some space to myself. I have to say I am not riddled with guilt but I still think I need to find things for him to do since he is not engaging in the activities. He has fallen 3 times and is very unsteady on his feet and does not want to use the walker. He just says I can walk. Yes I am a midow. I found a new support group that has people whom have placed their spouse. That has been a good thing. One day ay a time.
I think the worse part for me is not being able to put together a plan for my future. I just can' see anything ahead but loneliness and not really belonging anywhere.He has a great home with lots of activities and new friends but I am totally alone. I go there and they are great to me but I don't belong there except as a visitor and when I come home I am not part of this place either as I have not found anyone that wants to be friendly. The activities that are available for seniors are not open to join again until January and that is a long way off. Family is no where in sight and the one that is is thinking only about his hurt in this and that I am just being a bi*ch for telling him how I felt about his treatment of me when I asked for help. He said he had to lots of things to deal with in his life as well as his Dad being put in a nursing home. Poor Dad put himself in that nursing home. It is the best place for him and he is doing well I'm the one having a hard time being alone. I don't ask them for much but moving big chairs and TV from the basement to the living room is something I need help with.DH took the chairs from the living room to his new room so the chairs in the rec room have to come upstairs. I waited a week then did it myself but I can't move a 50" TV. I will have to call and have someone come in and do that for me. I'm seventy one years old and I never expected this life. I guess none of us did but it is what we have and I will have to just deal with it. Now that DH has moved to the LTC in the city, the team here have closed his file and with it my being able to access the social worker I had through them.she was great to talk to but so much for caregiver needs. I am sleeping better and not listening for him so that is good. I'm not veery hungry and I hate going out to a restaurant alone and seeing so many other older couples eating together but that is good for them. I sometimes feel like going over and telling them how great they look together and to be sure to enjoy every moment as it is precious and can disappear in a snap of your fingers. i'm told that it will likely take me 6 months to get it together and that is spring and new life for plants and flowers and i sure home for me as well.. Oh as well he is still so smart with his computer that he was able to get back into his internet banking even with the password changes the bank did. Back to the bank on Monday or just leave it until he losses that ability as well. any advise on which to do?????
Jazzy, we are all here for you as you adjust to your new life and try to make sense out of your future. Take time for you and be good to yourself. I know it's easier said than done but take one small step at a time...you are a strong, smart woman and will find your way, but you do need to give yourself some time to "grieve" this new loss.
As for the internet banking, I think for your own protection you should go back to the bank on Monday. You need to make sure the assets (and you) are protected.
I sent out an email to all my kids this morning telling them how am doing and all the things I am having o take care of now and how it feels for me to be left alone with all the jobs that I have never done before. I explained why I get frustrated with them and cranky and how hard it is for me right now. i received a telephone call from the one that refused to help me yesterday and he was very sweet and patient and understanding and asked how I was and if I was going to be alright. So I guess I am back in the good books with at least two of the five. I guess they just didn't think about how this is affecting me. Just how it affected them and Dad. Mom is supposed to be tough and can handle anything. Dreamers!!!!! I am much better today and moving on a little bit at a time.. but I Know I will have more meltdowns for sure. Confidence takes time and mine is shot to he**
Jazzy, My advice would be to go to the bank and open an account in your name only. Sometimes you can name a beneficiary on the account and they would not have access to it only upon your death. After you get the account start to transfer money over. One way would be to tell hb that you needed money for household or whatever and then put the cash into new account. You need to look after your interests as he could just empty account if he could open new account on the internet or has one of his own at the same bank that you couldn't touch. Also if there are credit cards try to get a handle on those also. Hope you can find something to help the loneliness. That really sucks that you can't get into senior programs until new year. Perhaps there are church groups, cooperative extension sometimes has programs, even local restaurants or McDonalds have coffee groups in morning that people go to and you might get in on the visiting and make new friends. It's hard to go alone but I have learned that it is possible to do it, it gets easier too take along something to read so you look like you are there on a break from something. lol. Hang in there. Hugs!!! Dorie
Jazzy, I'd be greatly alarmed if I were you that he is still able to access your bank accounts and I'd follow dorieIMI's advice and immediately open a new checking and savings account in your name alone and move ALMOST all funds over. Don't have the accounts attached at all. Keep the account he has access to open with only a couple of hundred dollars in it. In case you receive checks in his name, they can still be deposited into that account - and you can immediately move those funds to your account. This is not done to punish him in anyway but is is done to safeguard your financial future - as well as his. There are many stories of how people with dementia will drain accounts quickly and then you will be lost. It does not matter if he is still savvy enough to use the computer. That is even more concerning, as that is when they are most susceptible to manipulation and scams.
Please do this immediately. And don't feel like you have to tell, explain, or justify yourself to your kids. You are in charge of the financial affairs of you and your husband - no discussion. It is an awful responsibility, but it does get easier - and empowering.
Regarding socializing opportunities for yourself, I would approach the social club and explain your circumstances and ask for an exception. I would also reach out to your Church, Community Center, even the Alz. Association may know of support groups that meet in your area.
Good luck to you. This is a terrible change to your past life, but you can do it.
Jazzy, I agree with the others - open a new bank account (I know its a hassle) and just keep a small balance in your hubby's account. If he was smart enough to figure out the new password to do the internet banking, then he is also smart enough to access all the money and spend it foolishly, since his "reasoning button" is broken. I might even go one step further, and change banks entirely, leaving one account that both of you can access at the current bank, with a small balance and no overdraft protection. Its easy enough these days to transfer money from one bank to another - almost as easy as transferring from one account to another, and then your assets are totally protected. I am sorry you are so lonely. I think about you every day and I am glad you are staying in touch with us on this board. We care. Hugs
I spent about 6 hrs with DH yesterday and it went well..he still thinks he should come home for a day and do some of the outside winter preparation work but I convinced him that it will get done. He told me this move is very hard but didn't elaborate and I left it unsaid. We can talk about that later when he is more settled. He has gained five pounds and I realized that he is not on his low fat, low cholesterol diet that he has been on at home for years. He has high cholesterol and takes a med to keep it down, so today I will be calling to have that changed. All that gravy, fried and rich food is playing havoc on his weight and his cholesterol level must be off the roof.They are well fed!!!! I had read on one of the threads about pants not fitting anymore and have suggested pants with the elastic waist. He protested for a moment but when I told him about having to buy new pants every time he gained or lost weight he decide that would be fine. So off to Walmart and Mark's to see what I can find. Mark's has pants that do not need pressing so I'm hoping they have them with an elastic waist. I was really happy that I had read about that ahead of time as it sure made things easier yesterday..
My wife noted that her ALF doesn't use lower fat products (skim milk, low fat cheese) and that bothers her. Since the other residents are older than her I suspect they may be more used to the fattier food products. Just a wild guess.
I lived my entire life in New England before moving to Florida 7 years ago. All of my friends were very health conscious, and everyone I knew cooked the low fat way. Skimmed or low fat milk, grilled protein, fresh vegetables. (Healthy food aside, I still managed to gain a ton of weight, due to my junk food habit. ) My parents lived in an ALF that served food that was prepared in a healthy way.
When I moved to the Independent Living Villa here in Florida, I noticed that everything was fried, soaked in gravy, high fat, high cholesterol, and loaded with salt. Full of cheese, butter, and high fat everything. I was shocked to find that 99% of the food on the menu is a heart attack waiting to happen. I could not believe that a facility that caters to elders who have high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, and who knows what else, can get away with serving such high fat,salty food.. And it is signed off by a nutritionist. If the meal has a protein, a starch, and a vegetable, regardless of the way it is prepared, it is considered following nutritional guidelines, I guess.
Then Sid moved to the NH, where everyone has health problems or they wouldn't be there. Almost the same type menu as where I live. The first day he was there, they were serving fried sausages. I asked the food director how that could possibly be healthy, and she said to me - They're beef sausages. As an alternative, they offered fried chicken.
I don't know where Jazzy and Paulc live, but if this situation is nationwide, there is only one reason for it. Money. That type of food has to be cheaper than the healthy kind. How it is considered nutritional and appropriate for seniors is beyond me.
Jazzy, good luck finding the pants with elastic waists...I've been looking for some inexpensive pants (not sweats) with elastic waists but they're hard to find. I really don't want to spend a lot because DH is becoming bowel incontinent so I know we will be going through them rather quickly. JCP had them at one time but appears they no longer carry them. Haband also has them but I think they were more expensive than I wanted to pay. Walmart doesn't seem to have pants...they had great shorts this summer which were very useful since DH was in rehab for his broken knee.
Regarding weight gain...my husband gained 30 lbs when he was first put on Seroquel and has never lost it.
As far as the rich, fried, fatty foods, I think they serve the high calorie food because many residents are elderly and have difficulty keeping weight on.
pants first... I just bought 3 pair with plain front but with the elastic back band for $17.00 a pair at Walmart. they come in Olive, beige and black. nice weight.
Now diet
I just spoke to his ward nurse and she has sent a request to the dietician who will now come and discuss his diet with him. I don't need to be there as he is very aware of what he needs in the way of good food choices. the problem we have with him is the behavior so he can handle other situations like diet. He is very concerned about his weight as well.
Thanks
Hugs Jazzy
I do think it is much more expensive to eat healthy then just what ever.
When DH was in NH for rehab this summer and in an ALF several years ago, the food was the same...high calorie, gravy, lots of starch, canned vegetables. It's MUCH cheaper than cooking the healthy foods.
There was an article in this morning's paper that said 524 out of 100,000 school districts in the country have dropped out of the national school lunch program because of the cost of offering healthier foods. Many are complying so they don't lose the funding for free and reduced meals for low income kids, but at the detriment of other important needed programs.
I recently went with some friends touring assistant living/retirement homes. We had lunch at three places and all the food was starchy, high calorie, high cholesterol etc. The quality of the food was the same whether or not the place was ultra-nice, nice or so-so.
PANTS:
Claude had a couple pairs of cotton drawstring pants when we went out, but he wore the cotton flannel sleep pants around the house. They weren't too heavy even in the summer, washed up well and no ironing. They were inexpensive anywhere. I even picked up a couple of pairs at the Dollar Store.
I'm going to "weigh in" (pardon the pun) with a different perspective. Once someone has a terminal illness, what's the difference if they gain weight or eat a diet that isn't good for the heart? I hope this doesn't offend anyone--yes, it's a complete paradigm shift if one has been trying to eat healthy for many years--but so is taking away our LO's ability to drive, handle finances, work, etc. My husband gained weight after he was put on anti psychotics and subsequently lost the additional weight and 40 more lbs (so far) due to AD progression (he still eats a ton). I believe most people with AD follow a similar pattern.
If someone is like Jazzy's husband and is relatively early in the disease process and concerned about their weight, then I say diet should be addressed. Otherwise, there are so many other concerns, I'd let them eat what they like. Whether someone is overweight or not, the disease marches on.
Marilyn MD, I agree with you 100%. At this point in our lives, I just want 2 things for Clare ... for her to be happy and for her to be well cared for in a safe and secure environment. If Clare wants to eat junk food, so what? She's dying a slow death anyway, so why shouldn't she do whatever makes her happy?
I think you may have something there. As far as I am concerned he can eat what he wants, but he gets stressed by weight gain and once he losses that weight he will be fine. He has already lost the big tummy and now is doing exercises that Physio has ordered and he goes twice a week. I think that his being aware of his weight gives him something to work on and keeps his mind active. Right now he needs to have some control of something in his life and this makes him happy so go for it guy! I realize that soon it will not matter and at that point, when he is not so aware, it will be time to just back off and let him eat all the things he loves and misses. I don't know why they have him on cholesterol meds. As he is terminal and so why worry about his levels. I can see keeping him active and all but are he can have a major stroke at any time, he has vascular as well, so what are we doing? It really is confusing trying to know what is best and right.
Jazzy, I agree. As your hubby is early in the progression, focusing on his weight and physical fitness is probably good for him, and fits in well with his pattern of reverting to his military background. I had lunch yesterday with a good friend whose mother has AD. She brings her sundaes every morning, because it makes her mother happy. But her mother is a long way along the journey. I have wondered the same thing about the meds, but at this point if my dH did not see the usual grouping of pills in his pill box every day, he would probably get upset because something is missing.
Acouple years ago, our Dr. told my husband to eat whenever he wants,whatever he wants, and and as much as he wants.Outcome will be the same when they are terminal. Said she intends to do the same when she gets old.The NH gives him all the ice cream and sodas he wants. One of his CNA's is always making him ice cream floats.I tell them let him eat whenever and do whatever . Sometimes he sleeps in until lunchtime.Whatever makes him happy.
if he were not so conscious of his weight I would say the same. Maybe he will get past that concern and it will be easier for him to just enjoy his foods.
My DH was a big guy. He'd gone through a large gain a few years prior and then brought it back down. He'd always had an odd eating pattern, but I worked with and around it. During his later VaD years he became fixated on his weight, always asking when his Case Worker weighed him. She was always happy when it was a little lower. He translated that to needing to diet---his way. 1 small meal a day. Nothing I said or did would derail him. I finally talked to her. Her main response was that it was good for him to lose it and that the carers would have an easier time handling him when lighter. I reiterated that reinforcing the idea of "Dieting" with him was not in his best interests. She did back off. During his last 9 months, he dropped from about 227 to between 207--212 with no efforts to diet.
Jazzy--yes, eventually he will get past the concern about his weight. It is common for people with dementia to obsess about various issues in the early/middle stages. But I know from my own experience with Steve that by late stage, they are far from able to be concerned about such things.
I agree with Marilyn as well. what difference can it make when they are with a terminal illness? its always been my objective to have DH eat- whatever he wants. there were stages all he wanted was sweets. now he eats mechanical diet meaning mainly soft things that are easy to swallow. anything to get calories into him is our objective now late end stage. they do tend to lose a lot as they progress. the body's metabolism and functions don't work properly. I had DH in respite for 5days last week and they served him food he enjoyed. including tiny fried popcorn shrimp he could pick up with fingers. the aide said the food was very good and lots of choices for other residents including fruits and salads. it could be some choose the more non healthy foods. divvi
divvi, glad to know you were able to get some respite time. While in the NH rehab this summer DH did have a choice of foods, some healthier than the others. The staff chose for him depending on what he would/wouldn't eat the day before. so I let them choose. I really didn't care as long as he ate and didn't lose weight.
My DH went this morning for a 10 day respite. We didn't discuss what he likes this time but at home I give him all the junk food he wants. His usual breakfast is a donut and coffee. lunch is usually a sandwich and chips with a yogurt for dessert. then cookies if he asks. After dinner it's ice cream and cookies.
those of you who have been here awhile, know I resisted having DH in respite for so long. I just couldn't fathom others could care for him as well as myself. he is much further along now and does recognize me as someone who loves and cares for him, but other than that I knew he would be ok for a time in respite. I had the R.N go by everyother day to update me on his care and vitals, and my personal aide to sit with him at the assisted living complex and keep him company several hrs. he did very well and I am much relieved that this plan in progress is working well for us both. the stress of caregiving no doubt catches up and we must do what we can to help ourselves. took me way too long but now I know I will try again in a few months. we are starting our 14th year on this journey soon- it seems like a lifetime and like others sometimes I cant remember how we were before the disease. btw- just leaving him for respite felt very lonely. I can understand now the pain for those of you who have placed your dear spouses. so very hard. nobody can tell you unless you experience it that's for sure. divvi
divvy, so happy YOU have some respite. You are such a loving, caring caregiver and person, you certainly deserve some rest.
DH has just started to be bowel incontinent - a little - not urinary though! But, I've been so thankful to you and your advice and experiences with this as our Poop Queen, over the past several years. 10 years for us! It does seem like a lifetime.
Thank you for being you and helping all of us here.
Enjoy your time. I know your DH will be fine. Love you.
Divvi, I'm glad you plan to go again. It's like learning to walk again, but it helps replenish your store of energy and hope. Did you sleep a lot? Shop? Visit family or friends? Or were you up to the mischief and high jinks you were in on your last story and have to have Coco step in with her punches?
oh mary75. well I guess all the pentup energy manifested itself while on respite. I visited friends and family and we shopped til we dropped even though we didn't buy much! browsing was such fun. ate ourselves silly, movies, and went to several BARS on the water to imbibe and cut up. we danced and had fun just among us girls. so yes after a few white Russians:) I should have had Coco there to back me up! grin. thank you all for your well wishes. it was a challenge to leave him at first but yes it does get easier. so I assume its the same for placement. love you all back!!! divvi
Divvi, so glad to read you had a great time. We need a break, a bit of girlie fun and silliness to get us through this. Hope you get to do it again, now that the first respite went so well. Thank you for all your help here.
Divvi wow that sounded really fun, and I am honored you mentioned me to back you up. I would have been the one leaping in the bushes and grabbing at strange men. Then felt real bad the next day.
And yes Mary75*, there may have been a few "false cracks" and maybe even jail time.
How wonderful so great for you. You deserve all the fun and more divvi.
Holy Crap!!! I can't believe you took respite Divvi, good for you!! And soooo glad to hear you had such a wonderful time :) I want to go with you next time, sounds like a lot of fun!
Jazzy, have you been able to talk to dietary? There has to be choices for each meal. I fill out Lynn's menu weekly. There are healthier choices available. I know they also have to supply the food for special needs, such a diabetes. It has been my experience that they are very willing to work with you and meet your needs. Good luck
LFL, I get Lynn's elastic waist pants at walmart. They are less than 10.00 and honestly have held up better than the ones I got from LL Bean for 40.00! Here is the link if you are interested... http://www.walmart.com/ip/George-Men-s-Half-Elastic-Twill-Pants/20701652
Hi all I got up Saturday morning,packed a bag and left for the city my DH lives in. I totally surprised him and he was really happy. "Much better relationship now and growing". We had lunch together then I took him out to get gas and to find a motel that wouldn't bankrupt me and were I would feel safe. We found one, about a 10 minute drive from him and spent the afternoon just cuddling on the bed and talking about how best for our visit to be with winter coming. We decided that weekends are best as then I don't interfere with his activities. I find that now he wants to be very close to me and he is not angry with me now. It's really much better with him living there. He said he would love to come home for good but he knows he can't. It's so sad that he realizes that he has a disease that makes him behave as he does. He had a problem with two caregivers and a nurse who just refused to help him by getting him scissors to use at the desk to fit insoles for his shies as they caused his feet to hurt, since he walks so much that would be a problem. He sent me all the details and I forwarded it to the ward nurse. Saturday at noon that same nurse just banged on his door and very sternly told him it was time for lunch. He only got a few cranky word out when he saw me and backed off. He then very nicely asked if I would take him to lunch. After he left the room Dh said " oh boy, are you going to butt heads with him". I just said " he sure change voices when he saw me" DH said" you should have seen the look he got from you. He sure was surprised and changed tunes fast" There is a meeting on the 24th with all the person involved in his care and they will get an earful. I will not have him treated like that. They better learn how to speak to him or I will teach them myself. One of the other residents " said" you look like a tough cookie" He is also eating better so that is good. It was a very nice week end and next weekend I will stay Saturday night and Sunday night. He has a family thanksgiving lunch on Sunday. DD and DGD will join us. I just pray this house sell fast.
Despite the issue of many phone calls, which gets worse once she sundowns, she is more loving and some of the tension between us is gone. Being in an ALF has brought up new problems but I am told I sound more relaxed to others, so it has been a win. But it isn't just a matter of me being more relaxed and enjoying our time together better, L is now warmer and I hear "I love you" a lot more these days.
So there will be new challenges, some involving the ALF itself. It isn't like the ALF can take over everything or is doing everything right.
We are fortunate in that our SOs understand that they need to be there and can't live at home, even if they miss home.
Today we start transitioning to an ALF. DH was at a day program five days a week, so we are going try to get him acclimated by having him go to the ALF like a day program for several days before having him stay overnight. I have no idea if this will work; if it doesn't I am prepared to just leave him. I am worried - he has begun to get agitated when frustrated or over-whelmed. I take heart by the words of those of you who say it will get better. Right now it is hard to imagine any feelings other than sadness and exhaustion. I am skeptical by nature and am afraid that if anything can go wrong here, it will. I am just plain tired of problem solving and trouble shooting. But, that said, there is only one direction to go.