I just applied for the VA NH for my DH. They wanted everything but my first born son. I don't know how I am suppose to feel! What percipitated it was the complaint that I got from the apartment manager that he went outside at 4 am, naked and relieved himself. He has not been able to control in a long time and I can't keep him from doing things that he shouldn't. I don't know what else to try. I have not qualified for anything else and he is not ready for hospice yet like I thought he would be. I know I did my best but it still feels like I failed.
deb - you did not fail. As you said, you did your best but we all know the disease wins in the end. Will be praying approval goes smoothly and quickly.
It's all just another step. We keep trying to make the best choices we can.
I know what you mean though. There is an extent to which we will ALWAYS wonder if there was any possible way we could have kept them home. In my case it would take a tall secure fence around the entire house and possibly an airlock or two where a portion of the house could be instantaneously sealed into a padded area while he calmed down.
People who like to use that phrase...that we "warehouse" our elderly in facilities...usually probably don't know what they're talking about. Undoubtedly there are NEGLECTED people, but as a means of care, a dedicated facility is a completely valid and responsible option.
Thank you everyone for your kind words! My head knows that you are right but my heart says "What if, what if, what if." I just need my head the convince my heart that it was the right thing to do because I believe it is true. Thank you for your prayers, it is just another step in the process and the disease does win in the end. Thank you so much for being here with me every step of the way!!!!!
deb we do what we have to. no guilt for doing a wonderful job. it comes to a point some cant cope with the behaviors and placement is made for us. i hope he does well and you will know it was the right choice for him at this point.
deb42657, I so understand what you are saying,,,,, I know you did the best you could and this is a very hard decision. I too am waiting for the nh to contact me as to when the paper work is done so I can place my dh. I have peace about doing this and pray that you find the same peace. We have to prepare ourselves for what is happening today as well as what is to come down the road. This is a step we need to make so we can be here when things get worse. My only wish is that when my dh gets bed ridden that I can bring him home to pass here....... I try not to allow the devil room to play with my emotions over my decision to place my dh. We know it is best to do what we have to do but we just don't want to lose them yet,,,,,, hang in there and know so many of us are praying for you and are right beside you in the decision you have made.
Deb, it's so hard, you did not fail.. I understand what your saying too..... Just this morning I went to the nursing home to update our situation, while there, I broke down and said i was really struggling, that I couldn't do this for much longer. They offered me respite for two weeks when a bed becomes available, and then at the end of the two weeks i would have to make a decision whether to take DH home or leave him there permanently. Well, this really was like a bomb hit me...I know it's coming, but when faced with the decision... OMG..what would i do! I don't know if i could make that decision after just two weeks. If I take him home I would then go to the bottom of the list. The kids are right behind me in whatever i choose to do, they know I'm not sleeping, they know how bad things have got with all the paranoia, halluncinations, anger. I know that will be the beginning of the end, DD says he would go down much quicker in placement...I know it's going to happen, there's no stopping it. I keep getting told it's all about me and my health now..
Your hb may go down quicker in placement, or he might not. Some dementia patients do much better in placement if the NH provides better structure than can be provided at home. Some carers say that their time with their LO improves after placement. It's not predictable, but you have to consider your health.
Some people who have been very worried about how there LO would do during a respite stay have been surprised by the results. In some cases the person was upset and wanted to go home and was angry. In other cases the carer came back from respite and found that their LO didn't miss them or notice the passage of time, that the LO was much farther along their path than expected and the respite made this visible to the carer. This left the carer thinking that it might be time for a NH, or at least to take respite again.
I have a suggestion. Take the respite. Then visit your husband 2 days before respite is over so you have 2 days to consider your next step.
And remember, the decision to place your husband in a NH can be changed. You may decide at a later date to take him home. Some people take their LOs home at the final stages, when they have hospice care or simply because their LO is easier to manage. This varies on a case-by-case basis, there are no hard and fast rules. It is what is best for your and your husband.
You are so right! I knew that I had to do something when I couldn't take it physically anymore. I lost my health insurance which also helped me make my descion because I am not going to be able to take care of myself as well as I did and it was like...do it now while I still have some health left because if I wait too much longer I will be ruining my own health and I am NOT going to let that happen, I am only 54 years old! Whether his abuse is because of dementia or not the result is still the same and what do they usually tell women that are being abused?...get out of the situation!!!!!
Paulc, thank you so much for your advice. The administrator of the NH did say some do really well there, they have activities, respite is like a "holiday", it will give me time to see how I cope without him and vice-versa. She said there were no restrictions, we could visit when we liked and have him out for coffee etc..though i don't think that's wise during respite, i feel it would defeat the purpose of respite... We have only ever had one weekend respite which was not long enough, I spent most of the time worrying and stressing ,waiting for that phone call to go get him, he seemed to have enjoyed it and came home happy and smiling. It could be weeks yet before i get the call that a bed is avaiable, I'm sure by then he will have declined a bit more.
I take your suggestion to heart and think your suggestion is a good idea...thank you.
deb...do what you feel is right for you...as we know it's only going to get harder...
Julia, best of luck. Again, I haven't been in this situation myself but I think it is best not to visit your hb during respite. It will make it harder for him to adjust to the change and it will probably take a few days before you start feeling relaxed, to visit him would be to continue your caretaker roll.
Paulc, your right about visiting...my daughter has exactly the same thoughts as you, in my heart I know that's true and best, it will be hard. I know with my family's support and the support here I will get through that too. thank you
I hate to even think this let alone write it down but...is it possible that the reason some of the spouses do better in the NH than others because they are in a different environment and without their stressed out caregivers? The reason I say that is my DH seems like a totally different person when he is away from me. Like Julia said her DH came home smiling and happy, I don't think it is fair but I guess I understand it...maybe!!!
I really think that too Deb...my Dh never wants to go to day care or the once only respite that we had...I stressed and worried so much, he came home happy saying he had a great time. I do see him act differently when out or among other people, making jokes, not always funny, but anyway....and you would think there was nothing wrong with him.... people say he's lovely!