I am thinking of our Betty as I write this, I have not seen you for awhile and hope you are ok .
And just needing to say, my dh seems to be taking a strange turn. Way more sundowning, forgetting 2 or 3 times that he had dinner...peeing every 3 minutes even though he does not need to , and has no infection. I yelled at him a couple of times these past days and felt like a huge S..t...seeing the tears in his eyes.
I am on the edge, just don't know if I can keep on. So tired, can't get my work done, can't handle him at my market, just dread each day. I thought I had it together, had a few weeks of managing well.
I am waiting for the State Medical to come through, it is in the works. I need some help, counseling, pills whatever it takes. I had a valium from long ago, just a 5mg that I split in two and took earlier. It cut the edge a bit.
Oh God oh God help us all. The rope is fraying big time.
Thank you dear ones. This is why I have not posted so much, could not even do it when there was such good news. I feel so selfish sometimes. WHY can I not when I see how much better I have it than others, just be appreciative?
PS I am going to email HIS doctor tomorrow and ask him to please help me get the respite going, as the Social worker has not responded to my calls or mail. (VA) He seemed to be good about responding to past mails.
coco - every one of us has things going well then seem to fall apart. Don't beat yourself up for not 'keeping it together' all the time. Give yourself a break.
I will be praying the medical comes through soon. I know what it is like to not have access to medical or psychological help.
Respite is coming--glad you were able to take a pill and you are not selfish, not at all. This is not a game of who hurts the most, your hurt is yours and you have every right to feel the way you feel. You say you are going to email HIS doc, do you have one for yourself? If so, call your doc, too. I, too have seen that look when I lost it and DH had no idea what he'd done. It's the nature of the disease -- what it does to us. Can't be helped. But we're here and understand.
Coco...I hope help gets to you soon...this is so hard. we do the best we can, but sometimes it's just overwhemling. Your not selfish, you need respite, a break from this to find yourself again for a little time.
Charlotte is right. Every one of us has things going well then seem to fall apart.
Or in my case things were falling apart and then seemed to be going well for five minutes.
Every day pretty much I remember something I cringe at where I lost my temper, or I said something, even though there are a lot of things I'm still protecting myself from remembering or feeling. I don't remember the thousand times I patiently put her back to bed, I don't remember constantly changing our diet so she could eat what I made watching her lose the ability to hold a thing with two hands and eat it (corn, hotdogs, hamburgers, ribs) and then helping her eat and then feeding her.
This is a brutal experience for the spouse we have to try and endure and while some find it within themselves not to be tortured by it too much, the vast majority of us are. Our lives are slowly being shattered in the very center of what is most important to us if we feel real love and compassion. And if we don't it offers it's own form of torture where we are have to go through this for someone we don't even love that much.
I told my geriatric specialist things she'd never heard before. Nothing not discussed on this board. What I learned is that most people are so ashamed of their failings and mistakes they hardly admit them to themselves let alone to someone else.
The seriousness of what the caregiver goes through while reasonably understood ends up being try to get each one through one at a time. When you've seen one case you've seen one case. Well that doesn't cut it very much does it? That's not terribly helpful.
Here's what the manual should say page one:
If you are lucky this is going to be the worst experience of your life. It goes on for years. It gets worse all the way through. You will not recognize yourself when it's over.
If you don't help yourself in every tiny way you can find, if you don't search inside your soul for every shred of strength, conviction, and belief you can find, then you will. Because Al Zheimer is going to push you until you beg for those things. Take your idea of 'normal' out the back like old yeller and shoot it because it's dead man walking. Your only other choice is to watch it die slowly.
You are going to be more tired than you ever dreamed was possible, you are going to disappear as a partner and as a person at all, you will be wrestling with clinical depression, and you will have to do more and more until you are doing everything including things you never dreamed you would have to do.
And the entire time there will be a series of horrific shocks to your being as the things you understand theoretically actually do happen to your loved one before your eyes while you are helpless to save them and must continue knowing the situation will get worse.
In all of this the focus will rarely be on you even though your suffering and the damage to your own life would in any other circumstance be considered great, because you're too busy see, and so the kindest thing to do is to take your feelings out back along with your 'normal' life and shoot them too.
Because if you don't shoot your feelings now, they are going to remember every single thing you didn't do or shouldn't have done. And almost no one remembers the main truth.
...........
Which is that every one of you angels knows that I have told the truth here. Know all this and still get up the next day and sacrifice ourselves for another. Flagellate ourselves because the day came we needed help and it takes a team of professionals to replace us. Or we saw them through to the end ourselves.
I have no interest in back patting. It's absurd to think that way in a matter so terribly serious. Instead it is the way of human nature that in the blending of our losses and what we do, it is our losses that matter. It's just that in the same genuine way that is true - it is also true that anyone who accepts this role and fights to do it is a good human being. The thing we 'say' we judge.
It's unfortunate that human nature is such. The * caregiver could use that feeling inside them. Almost every reaonable person would agree that anyone who gives up years of their life caring for another in need is a very honored thing to do in life. We would all agree such a thing would speak very well for a person.
And we would all know that that person remembers mostly their mistakes and doesn't feel anything like what everyone else agrees on at all. Human beings are imbeciles you see.
Never mind the loss of our loved one. That happens anyways. I'm talking about us.
I'm not a * yet but I'm getting close. I'm reduced to trying to feed my frail wife a banana when I visit her. I'm being encouraged to have my funeral arrangements in place. With some hard things still ahead my journey is not over but I can see the place from here.
And that first thought on diagnosis so many years ago now that "this is a spiritual journey" continues to ride the rails alongside although it morphs in meaning. I had thought it meant can I learn to care like this for another. Yes, although it tastes like sand sir. But I believe it goes deeper than that. A spiritual journey is a journey of the spirit.
And so a more meaningful question is having endured real hardship, can I open my faith and spirit to life again? Because if I cannot then enduring hardship destroyed my faith. And if I can journey to there then I may have a chance at a deeper understanding of the privilege of life. All we have to do is decide what we will do with the time that is given to us.
Hang in there Coco. Day by day you will find a way.
Coco, all you can do is your very best. That is all any of us can do. With that we should all find peace in this terrible place. Sometimes our best just doesn't seem good enough like when he's peed on the new carpet, run off with one good earring, spilled another drink because he jerks. God forgive me for the times I have been short and then I go on. I always talk to Lloyd about everything. He doesn't comprehend a damn thing I say most of the time, but sometimes.... And let us remember the times they can be mean, too. So glad you had that one little valium. God moves in mysterious ways. Maybe he made sure you had that one little pill when you needed it most! God's will be done doesn't mean everything will always go your way. It just means He will be there when you need Him. And that gets me through and gives me peace. And remember when you are feeling like an incredible s*** that you really know what love is all about. When you see those tears, just hug him and tell him you're sorry and that this is all really hard for both of you and he will get it. Nothing better than a hug. Hugs are a language that they still really understand. Hang in there! You are his angel. (((Hugs))) and prayers!!!
The thing is...you don't "have it much better" than others of us. The day to day struggles at your point on the continuum are as wearing as the crisis points some of us are enduring now. I am qualified to say this because my crisis point erupted so suddenly that the wear and tear of the "easier(?)" stages are well within memory.
It all stinks. In some ways, when you hit these awful dramatic downturns...at least there is action you can and must take. When it's just the "normal" daily aggravations, and there's nothing you can do to fix it or change it...well, not fun. Not better, not worse, just a different point on the timeline.
I agree with Emily 100%. We have all been where you are dear sweet ((coco)) and we remember well the emotions you are feeling. My heart goes out to you and I do hope you will talk with your doctor about you and your well being. Much love ((hugs))
Coco...feel our hugs and support! Sounds like, as always, you are making the right decisions. Medication and respite for both of you. So far from what I have been experiencing you are going through what I thought was the hardest part. He knows he is ill and frustrated, and you are still hoping he is well enough to shake himself out of it....awful times. I remember one day I was sooooo frustrated I yelled at DH and the cat jumped into his lap looking at me if I had gone stark raving crazy!! Felt VERY guilty. Do not expect perfection from yourself...you are doing a fantastic job!
coco, sounds like you are in a depressed state and maybe if you can get to a walkin clinic, they could prescribe something to help you thru til you get to see your own dr. ? all of us have been where you are at some point of this terrible journey. it comes and goes in waves. some days better than others. emotions run high at times and we lose our tempers. also normal. dont beat your self up so much, you ar eodng the best you can with what you are given. keep posting it helps to let it out and get the support everyone here can offer. i hope the paperwork comes thru soon. divvi
Sending you love and prayers. Know that we've all been there and understand. Cut yourself some slack. SCS, I couldn't help but laugh at the picture of the cat leaping to his lap and looking back at you.
You had to be there to appreciate it Mary! The irony is since DH has gotten more demented he does not like the cat. In a crazy way the cat acceptes this and almost stays near him guarding him. The cat thinks he is a dog! Nothing normal in this house. Hope all is well with you Mary! And Coco know you are loved....loved so much that I could send you a present...my cat.xo
Yes I think I may be clinically depressed, that sounds like a good description. How I have fought the taking meds, they just scare me. But wishing to die and utter hopelessness is scarier. I do believe my application for medical will be approved soon, I just got a note from them to send proof of ID< so that is a good sign. I had done my homework when I applied for Quest and sent in financial disclosures already.
Yesterday was the worst day ever, he has gone downhill. I suspect this is the next phase, the "honeymoon" is over. I am sad , so sad for that, but also, very broken up over my work situation, I love my work and don't know how I can keep on.
I honestly don't know HOW we humans can suffer so much, and not break, I am talking about the caregiver here. You ones with the *, you ones with your loved one in a home or going, you ones cleaning up poo and suffering violent attacks. I just don't know how, when I can barely handle what is happening here.
He is stirring now, to wake up. I am going to try, to get my market products ready, try to not look when he goes round and round, and throws my gourd art in the garbage.
One more thing. The loss of faith , as Wolf talked about. That is the saddest of all, my loss of faith in my fellow humans. The uncaring . I would be utterly lost without all of you.
Wolf--what jumped out at me from your post was the word "brutal". I had used "horrific" before to describe this experience, but I think "brutal" is a better fit.
Coco--I retired before my husband's diagnosis and so I didn't have the challenges of trying to earn a living along with caregiving. While some say that working is a good outlet away from AD, I also feel that it can be too much to handle with the 24/7 job of caregiving. So, I understand that someone like you who is trying to juggle both activites has extra pressure on them. Please take Divvi's advice and find a clinic that can help you with some medication asap. No need to suffer any more than you have to.
Coco, take some time to love yourself. You have been a touch of sunshine in my life. Our "Halos" tend to slip at times and we just straighten them up and go on. We all have times that we think we cannot go on but some how we pull up our big girl panties and move on. My journey is over and and it's time to start a new journey and no that is not easy to do but I will take it step by step and find my way. I am praying for you and your husband that you find some peace and sunshine in your lives.
Oh my Coco, I am so, so sorry for what's going on for you right now. It is extreme to work and caregive, no doubt about it the exhaustion is impossible to describe. I know it's absolutely no excuse or comfort but when he's throwing your Art away it's not him, it's the disease killing his brain. And "brutal" as Wolf put it is an accurate description of our lives. Caring for someone isn't really the problem it's the suffication of our lives while we caregive. What happens when life is all about medicating them and us ?????
Coco...So sorry to read your post today. My heart goes out to you. Today is the day my cleaning lady sits with my dh for 4 hours to give me time to shop alone and get away from the house. If I could I would send her to you to give you a break. Since I found this lady my life has been so much better. I was getting to the breaking point just like you are. Unless a person has the 24 hour care, without any relief at all from friends, family or paid caregiver they have no idea how isolating that can be. " Sometimes we have to eat hamburger before we know why steak is so good" You are now on your hamburger diet, but this too will pass. Also..."unless you have been in the lowest valley you don't know why the highest peak is so great". Your experiences right now will be a blessing someday, some how and you will appreciate it even more.
Like many here...you are a real friend...like we have known you for years and would welcome you in our home. Try and get some medication that will take the edge off your depression and just know how strong you are and we are rarely given more then we can handle. I know help is on the way for you. Hang in there...Luv U
Wolf - If you don't mind, I'd like to copy your "manual." It might be something to show someone I know to help that person understand, just a little bit, of what we are going through. Thank you.
Coco - I've been there and will most likely be there again someday. Every day is different, but do take some time to look at the lovely flowers all around you and the blue sky. That helps me. I look at things like that and realize I'm lucky to be able to appreciate the wonder of nature. I may not be able to go out with the "crowd" anymore. I may not be able to go out with my man and enjoy things together like we used to. I may be alone more than ever before in my life. But I get through the day just repeating over and over in my head: Appreciate what you've have. It really does put things in perspective for me. But, today is a good day. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Coco _Thank you for thinking of me.. Like you I see changes here that I do not LIKE. The sundowning is worse most days now and by bedtime I am either shouting or crying or both.Unlike you I am able to get a break-but when I leave home alone I DO NOT WANT TO RETURN.Then of course I feel guilty over that.One morning recently I was sitting with my eyes closed and DH said are you ok-I said yes I am sitting on the beach with Coco Patty and we are having a great time,he smiled and said could he go next time??? he remembers your name and tells of your kindness to HIM.Little things mean so much . Hope you get some much needed help soon.Wish I could get there to help with market day-maybe we could sit our DHs together and keep them out of trouble!!!!!!!!!!
Coco, I am so sorry. I hope you can get the help you need sooner rather than later! Wish I was there to help. I just tied another knot in the rope, so hang on, my friend! Lots of hugs.
Oh....how good of all of you to respond so much! Dear friend Betty I was just about to drop you a personal line and ask if you are ok??! How honored I am that you would want to spend time with me, and your dh can come ONLY if he and Dado have their own little patch of sand to sit on together, and LEAVE US ALONE for awhile. As much as care for you, first and foremost, I have a soft spot for your guy too.
JudithKB oh how your comments made me feel so good, thanks thanks thanks for your caring words, they are more precious to me than any silver or gold. Big alligator tears welled up when I read that.
Bev, I have so many flowers to look at, a lovely orchid garden in full bloom, hibiscus in riotous colors, plumeria and gardenias sending their heady smells everywhere. And yet, yesterday, they let me down...I did not care about them for awhile. Today I went out and apologized to them all and gave them a little dose of fertilizer.
I wrote an email to his neurologist and explained how the Social workers did not contact me in regards to respite, and told him how fragile I am becoming, (without sounding whiny) I asked if there was anything he could do to get things moving, and if not, guide me in a direction. I am hoping and hoping he will contact me later today, he has answered my emails regarding medications before.
and, Dado continues today in his extreme sundowning, starting about 11 am and going until 7 or 8 pm. When he does go to sleep his tossing and turning is huge.
I hoped we would not have to give him another medication besides Aricept, but if this keeps worsening....??
Love you guys so much. The knot you put in the rope is strong Vickie, no frays and loose ends, thank you.
I am the only guy on this thread and I can tell you that I LOVE the smell of estrogen in the morning. Don't mind me. Think of me as one of the girls. Maybe I can borrow a pair of Bama's big girl panties.
Coco Betty,
Whey don't you make matching table lamps out of your husbands, put lampshades on their heads, and SELL THEM AT THE MARKET!
Bev, Si, you khan have my little manual. Make sure he's home by the time the street lights come on.
Hey! Why don't I ask my mom if I can have a pajama party at my house? [brilliant idea Wolf, ok big smile]
Anyone see that movie Some Like It Hot with Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon, and Marylin (oh no you didn't girlfirend!) Monroe?
Ann, thanks but please don't feed the bear. You'll only encourage him.
OMG COCO BETTY!!!!!! LOVE IT!! Yes yes ! (Coconut Patty is my business name, you can google it...)
And Bama, oh dear Bama I forgot to mention how awesome it was to have a word from you. I love you Bama, and you too brighten anyones day. I hope you are healing and oh how great to still have you here.
Now you have me wondering...Are my panties pretty or are they big???? What size do you need Wolf???? You can tell I'm tired tonight because I am getting silly.
Coco - I forgot where you live! I only have yellow tulips blooming right now but the lilacs aren't too far behind, or the wigelia. You're so lucky to have so many flowers around you. But I know that Nature isn't the only thing we need to help us feel good. Some of the days in AD-land are like continuous rainy days with no chance of sunshine for a long time. But somehow we manage to get through them, even if at the time it doesn't seem like we ever will.
Coco, I wish I could help you. You sound like I have felt lately. I wish you strength to go on. Wolf's words are so true. They require reading over several times.
Bama, even if they are big , they can be pretty. As long as they do not go down to your knees and have holes.
I do so love my garden Bev. I really hurt the flowers feelings I think when I did not let them soothe my sore spirit. Lucky I fertilized today, some rain came to soak it in.
Jang* hi jang*! I wish I could help you too, I wish we could all have an AZ. dementia village and then we would never have to worry about help or understanding. I think it may have been Phranque who had some good ideas on that...
and Wolf, I have saved your wise words in my diary. You are a special guy. You cannot have my panties. Bama seems to be thinking it over.
Don't be putting the big panty thing on me. Bama said it. All I know is no boxer shorts. The children need a home. (hey! don't blame me. Kramer said it on Seinfeld and it was ok then)
I save my wize words in the dairy too. Next to the cheese in the lettuce crisper which has no idea what lettuce is but is very familiar with broccoli which I just steam and eat because what's the point? You can dress up a hog in evening wear but broccoli is still going to taste like seaweed. This is good for you. Fine. Insert here.
Ok forget the pajama party. I don't have any anyways. I'll never forget the look on my wife's face when on the very first night I threw the pajama's mummy bought me into the hotel waste basket announcing "won't be needing these". Never worn them since. I wear the pajamas God gave me. That's good enough for me. And my wife never seemed to mind. Just as long as I kept her warm with my neanderthal fur coat. No. No. We'll just snuggle (hee-hee-hee). Oh look!
THIS is just what I needed tonight! Ahh you have all made me smile. The love here is immeasurable. The way we reach out to lift each other up is an inspiration and renews my hope daily. I am glad you feel a bit better today Coco, it is always therapeutic to just spill your guts from time to time ♥
Coco, you have been deep in my mind today.... I do so wish I could come sit with your "Dado". Not for the first time I find I wish we did have our gated community where we could all live together. We could lend each other a helping hand, have someone to talk to and share things with, and we could even have that pajama party *smiles*
and just wait...there is more good news, for my "Talked to the VA Social Worker" thread. Too tired I will post it in the morning. Oh maybe, just maybe, there are some people that care. (besides all of you of course!) Nikki I sure hope I get to meet you some day.
We will plan the Big Island Hawaii Caregivers and Volcano Tour, an eruptive good time!
Boxer shorts, Dado has such skinny legs they actually bag on him, not like those guys in the Calvin Klein commercials. He hates those boxers lol...
catching my breath, and looking to God, for showing a way...a little light...it is not over, or gone.
Aloha mai kakou, my love and aloha to all of you
PS I just noted how you said a "gated" community Nikki. We would not want all those outsiders trying to get in, to see what all the fun is about.
I keep telling you guys=I do live in the gated community and friends have been know to have pj parties. After a hurricane we walked in knee deep water carrying our wine glasses. You're all welcome-we need all the help we can get.
I like the idea of the lampshades on Paul and Dada,I think they would look very handsome-we won't sell them (just yet).As for the gated community I love the idea but it will have to wait a while-I did not win the BIG lottery .When I do win we will have to decide where we want to build it.
Wolf, I read your post days ago but went back and read it again. It is everything I feel but did not have the words. I have copied it and plan to print it out for some of my family.
They won't get it. I wrote that 'manual' first page for us because I want US to understand. And the only thing that held me back slightly was that some of us here are so new those words could shock.
The main issue in a real manual section geared at the perception of those around us is understanding what a human being is inside reality. That without regard for any other condition sounds like this in basics: This is you. You are here. Anything can happen. You are going to die. The clock is ticking.
Given that information normal people stampede out of the room screaming.
Now that can be made to sound clever in a jaunty way; but, those are the stripped bare facts and those five little sentences are all you need to know at the most basic level. And almost no one can deal with that straight up.
People sometimes wonder what goes on inside the mind; but, that is self evident. Constant knitting and sewing and reworking of our (deep) perceptions of ourselves and our experiences.
What are people thinking about? What they should have said. What the other person meant. What this means. What that means. How I am doing. What I should do. What could happen.
And by what motivators do we do this? Fear. Anger. Worry. Self aggrandizement.
So Wolf, can you describe what that actually means? Sure. We never really know reality. We only know our perception of it. That's because we're closed system units which is easy to prove because there's Bama and she's not physically attached to anything else. So the only way you can experience anything is by interacting with it because you can't actually absorb other things or people. And the only thing you can get from that is your own perceptions of what did and didn't happen, of what it was or wasn't, and what it means or doesn't.
For instance I know that when I think about my wife being in a nursing home I can't feel happy. And when I feel happy I can't think about my wife in a nursing home. So my mind literally removes the reality of her for a while so that I can feel normal. And if I wasn't ok with understanding that, my mind would remove the awareness of how this works again which it had already done until I became aware of it and decided it was alright to know. So the outcome is that I remain aware of it.
And that signals to my mind that it's ok to keep knitting this together which is obvious but only seen if we're open to the truth. I just proved it by typing the paragraph above. I can say what's going on with this painful aspect of life right now and go on with the topic at hand.
It sounds like the mind runs 'me'; but, it doesn't. It has defense and protect capabilities I can't conciously control but the soul is the central entity - not the mind. And in that way you can understand your brain is up there in your skull doing it's stuff - but you cannot do the same with your soul. You can't locate 'yourself' in space in the way you can locate your arm because it's your body that's stuck in space/time. Not your soul. That by the way is why you never 'feel' your age. That's your body getting older. The soul just accumulates experience.
Lets get back to those running away screaming.
What people don't understand about liars is that most of them aren't. A liar knows they are telling mistruths. The vast majority have changed reality in exactly the way I do with my poor Dianne in that nursing home. If you could search their mind like a filing cabinet you would see that the facts are as the 'liar' states. The lie has become their truth.
Judging what we see is done by everyone. And changing the facts is done by everyone. Watching a person in a shopping mall pull down their pants and poop is going to be judged as inappropriate just as you would have. Changing reality by our own perception and judgement is why caregivers don't. Why does it have to stink so much and be so vile? is a seperate and probably valid issue. (because nature is making sure you know that's not to be eaten - sorry but that's true - also diet)
No, the chapter that relates to reaching those that are not taking delivery of the information is a sneaky chapter. That's obvious when we take hold of truth. A person that wants to know asks questions and considers the answers. When that answer is "I DON"T WANT TO HEAR THIS!", it doesn't actually matter what you're saying.
And we have to understand that if that person were protecting themselves and aware of it that would be comedy because what's the point of doing it if you know you're doing it?
The tactical problem with stealth subversion is that each person has their own thousand flavours of needs and desires etc. that make up that one target. You can get inside one with study; but, it's fluke whether that hits another target or not.
I know how this hurts. I'm the victim of it too. And when I see the lifelong friends shutting us out and my own family unable to speak to it and her best friend utterly lost in her own pain without regard for my wife - I have only one choice which is to try to understand that they can't or won't and if they do it will be some change in them not in me.
Powerful events in our lives tax the soul powerfully and if we can take that in there's a chance the penny might drop. Because we can just eat and fornicate if we like and the body will still be stuck going through time and space. But all events are just as much a wall as a window and I can always prove that.
We are so powerful we turn poop into love. We come here to find the strength to sacrifice. YES! We take the pain into ourselves (which is very real) and we endure (that is the only word) for love. Not for the love of us which we watch whither but for love in it's purest form. Through the demons to and for them only. That is not diminished because we don't actually love them. The act remains in pure form.
And that is why human beings are imbeciles. Because the two fundamentals of life are that you are here and it is now so rarely connect in harmony with the single fundamental of the soul - I am me. And the cleanest way for me to example that is to say I've seen your resume and you're hired.
I know people think I'm trying to make us feel good or am stuck on this; but, I'm not. We grow up, we have children, we get old, and we die. Obvious day one - don't want to think about it. Very sane. It's not proper for me to be aware of myself. No, that's insane. Humility and invisibility are two different things.
Have we and are we suffering great pain, great saddness, and great loss? Yes. There is no doubt. Well, isn't that the only real thing? No. It's not even the important thing.
The comment about hiring you because I've seen your resume is because I know what you will do when the chips come down hard. You will fight to do what's right. It's too bad we can't feel what our passed spouses feel about us for just an instant. It would make everything crystal clear.
This is for Bama, Jang, Bluedaze, Mary75, Bettyhere, Phranque, MoorsB, and all those with their *.
Happy easter everyone. We are meant to rise again if we can open our hearts to life through the loss.
And I, (we) still almost topple. When we are in the midst of it, it is lonely and scary, and I forget all the reasons. Dado is 24/7 sundowning, this is new, and awful. When we go to the Doctor next week, I need to make them understand how bad it is. Maybe I will wear a lampshade on my head, and smear poo all over Dado.
Ugh. Hollow emptiness and fear.
(and still, caring for all of you, thank you Wolf for telling us about Dianne, I keep her in my heart)
(Nikki to answer your question if I called MY doctor. I do not have one, have not had medical for 15 years cannot afford it. however I am waiting to be approved for Quest, (state medical) , it should hopefully happen soon. Then, I will be contacting someone for help for me.)