My 65 year old husband was an attorney in Dallas. He was involved in a near fatal car accident last June and suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury. To make a long story short, he is now in a nursing home and will never be able to return home. His maternal grandmother had AD and passed several years ago and his mother who is 94 began hving symptoms about 6 months ago and the symptoms are progressing very rapidly. Hubbys doctor is a geriatric specialist and feels that the major TBI and family history, has kicked the potential for AD into high gear. He recognizes me as someone he knows, sometimes he knows I am his wife, but usually doesnt know my name, or calls me by his ex wifes name. It's very depressing and everytime I visit him (60 miles one way) all I can do is cry. We have only been married 7 years, and I feel life is over for me. I just don't know where I go from here. I miss having a man to talk to, share with, bounce ideas off of. It isnt a physical longing, but an emotional support longing. I believe in marriage vows. I wonder how long I will be a widow without being a widow. Is this strange or wrong?
Welcome BK. If this is your first post, you will find this site to be of enormous value and comfort. Many of us have placed our spouse in an ALF or Memory Care Unit and others care for their LO at home. In either case, we all face degrees of lonliness as our lives have been changed dramatically and forever because of loosing a spouse, not physically, but in mind and spirit. I feel the same as you..eating another meal alone, going for another walk alone..just conversation..just making plans for a special weekend together...knowing while life is not perfect, it will never be filled with special moments with your LO again. Some days will be better than others..some times of day will be more challenging than others. I believe life's for sharing..and each day I look forward to that future not knowing how or when it will happen but confident it will. You will find many people here that, because they do not want to risk going through this journey again with someone new, will prefer to take comfort in a life alone. I understand and respect their preference. Sorry to say their are no easy answers..no mile markers to help us on this journey..but you will find us to be understanding of you and offer you faith and hope as fellow travelers.
Barb, I am so sorry you need to be here, but so happy you found this safe place to land. You will find everyone here ready to sympathize, give you whatever support you need, and lots of hugs. Others will be along to welcome you soon.((((hugs)))))
Welcome to my website, which I started in 2007 because I couldn't find anyone who would talk about how I felt - I thought I was the only one feeling the way I did about what Alzheimer's Disease was doing to my marriage. I needed a place that dealt with my unique issues as a spouse of an Alzheimer patient. This site is now a place of comfort for spouses/partners who are trying to cope with the Alzheimer's/dementia of their husband/wife/partner. The issues we face in dealing with a spouse/partner with this disease are so different from the issues faced by children and grandchildren caregivers. We discuss all of those issues here - loss of intimacy; social contact; conversation; anger; resentment; stress; and pain of living with the stranger that Alzheimer's Disease has put in place of our beloved spouse/partner.
The message boards are only part of this website. Please be sure to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read all of the resources on the left side. I recommend starting with "Newly Diagnosed/New Member" and "Understanding the Dementia Experience".
Do not miss the "previous blog" section. It is there you will find a huge array of topics with which you can relate. There is a "search" feature on the home page that allows you to look up different topics that may have been explored in a previous blog. Log onto the home page daily for new blogs; news updates; important information.
Nothing you are feeling is "strange" or "wrong". We all understand the loss of emotional support you are feeling.
welcome barb. no matter how we get here we are all on the same page. the loss and pain of losing a spouse to dementia is overwhelming. lots of helpful info and folks who care and know exactly what you are feeling. divvi
Welcome, Barb. Your feelings aren't strange or wrong--I think we have all experienced them here. Your situation is quite dramatic in that the onset of your husband's illness was traumatic, but the results are familiar to those of us who are walking the dementia path with our loved ones. You will find many members here whose LO's were diagnosed at 65 or younger (my husband was dx at 60), and can get lots of advice tailored to the unique issues experienced by younger spouses as well as those we all face, regardless of age.
Barb, I think you will find a lot of support in this "family". We are all sorry for the reasons you had to find us, however.
I think your doctor may be correct about the earlier push into this disease caused by the TBI. My hubby had heart surgery and from that alone there was a little bit if memory issues...( looking back farther I think there were more signs it was going to happen though) and then in 2008 he had a stoke, a small very tiny stroke in the pons..and our neuro said often it is something like surgery, ansethesia, complications from surgery and then a stroke being just enough to push him into the dementia sphere.
This is a safe place to come and vent, ask questions and learn.
We all fall into that realm of widowhood without actually being one. Every patient is different as you will learn here, no two follow quite the same route but we somehow all find they have some of it all at different speeds or intensity..
Look over all the articles Joan has listed, and be sure you have talked to an elder care attorney who can advise you on matters that are of special concern to those who are in our position. Financial issues are primary concerns and as your husband was married before, you need to make sure your assets are secure and there is no iterference from outside sources.
Barb, welcome, this is a wonderful place to share your feelings, learn how to handle situations you've previously not experienced and get support while on this journey. My husband was dx'd at age 58 with AD, then FTD, so as Marilyn says there are many here with younger spouses and the unique challenges that brings.
Welcome Barb, although SO SO sorry you need to be there. It does appear that you and your husband have been "fast-forwarded" into this awful situation, which is hard enough when it is a slow-fall! My husband was also an attorney, in Houston, and was diagnosed at age 53---he will be 60 next week. His was a slow progression UNTIL 2010 when he was hospitalized for an upper GI bleed, which caused a steep decline. He is still at home but requires 24/7 care and no longer speaks any understandable words----which is heartbreaking in anyone's case, but particularly so because he was a very successful trial lawyer. I have looked into moving him to a nursing home or similar care facility, but right now, he can still walk up and down our stairs (and does so without assistance) and loves his walks in the neighborhood with our caregivers, so for right now, I guess I'll keep him here. Will re-evaluate if/when he can no longer climb the steps and/or when my younger daughter graduates from college next year. In addition to this website, which is wonderful, I have found a face-to-face support group for caregivers via the local Alzheimers Association, so you should check that out in the Dallas area.
I have also been lucky to have supportive couples friends particularly in our church, but more and more of my socializing is with my girlfriends only----some happily married, but many divorced and some widowed---since I'm 55 I expect the widow #s to continue increasing over the next few years. Sad but true....
You have come to the right place. I am 54, wife is 61. It was in this place that I was able to reach acceptance by learning about 'virtual widowhood' or how to be a 'widow in waiting' . . . . Feel free to vent all you want to, or need to, we get it.
Barb: So sorry to hear your story. Everyone here can relate to anything you say. The one 'truth' you mention was that "your life is over". Truer words were never spoken, ie, the life you had before this terrible accident and illness. It took me to long to accept that as fact.
Barb, Welcome to the site. We hope it helps you cope. I know it has helped me! I am currently reading a book you might relate to called "To Love What Is". It is about a woman whose husband has a TBI and then develops dementia. It is funny, sad, sweet... but there are definitely parts you can relate to. Here is a link on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/To-Love-What-Is-Transformed/dp/0374532052
Welcome Barb...so sorry to hear your story. I can relate so much to your story, my DH fell off the roof and sustained a TBI, which then triggered off the dementia. it's a hard loney road we travel, but take comfort that the folk here are so supportive and caring, and understand all we go through, the up and downs and our feelings of loss before the loss happens
Welcome, and I am sorry. I have only been here for 3 months. The support is wonderful.
My H started having seizures in 2000. Hindsight may be 20/20 but in my case foresight was negative zero. After each that I witnessed (a couple were out of town as he travelled on business), I called the 911 and he was transported and hospitalized.
This happened once evey couple of years. I thought I was doing the right thing. In the ER, respirated and intubated. He was in his 40's, no history of drug or etoh abuse. I feel I did him a disservice but cannot reconcile that at this time.
Hah! What I did not know was that each of these experiences depleated his brain which for some reason was already subject to frontotemportal deterioration.
Of course it is depressing! How otherwise?
In my moments of strength, credited to prayer and affirmations, I refuse to believe my life is over. Is my life with H over, well yes, as it has become over for him so has it for me. I believe it takes two to support a history and he no longer can.
More than enough about me...sending you best wishes. I am a married widow as I see it.
At 59 I feel like a married widow as well. I'm too young to shrivel up and never have affection or intimacy again. We had dreams that we would travel to see our kids who all live far away. Last time we flew, my husband couldn't understand what security was asking him to do. When we were at my daughter's he was very confused being out of his norm and I had to watch him like a hawk. Traveling has lost it's appeal. However are we all going to get through this?
hi marilynnc. welcome. yes 59 is too young to give up on affection. we wil get thru this with alot of handwringing, sighing, venting, and with the help of the Almighty, and alot of hugs comforting and support from our friends here who understand. divvi
Hi marilynnC--I like your name! Do you get annoyed when people misspell it? After all, who hasn't heard of Marilyn Monroe? Anyway, I digress--I certainly understand where you're coming from, I was 56 when my husband was dx. It is a rough road to travel, but we all get through it together. Glad you found this site.
Barb welcome: I can't imagine how traumatic the shock of the transition from normalcy to your husband being unable to return home must have been. You've landed in the right place. Every day one or more of us are put to a test of the resilliance the human spirit and find the caring support and guidance to help us through the crisis. I'm 71, but am definitely much younger than that guy in the mirror. My wife is 69 dx in 08 + her Mom died of AD. There aren't too many surprises we'be been there and done that as caregivers for her Mom
Welcome, Barb. I am 60 and my hubby is 61. He was diagnosed January of 2009, but in retrospect, there were signs as early as 5 years before that. His grandfather had AD, but it never came up until my husband's diagnosis. It seems we should encourage our youngsters to add AD to their list of important questions along with education and faith and employment when looking for a suitor. You are in a good place now here at Joan's.
Linda Mc--You have brought up a point I've never seen here at Joan's re encouraging our youngsters to add AD to their questions when looking for a potential partner. I agree--although I knew EOAD was in my husband's family before we married and would do it all over again! Why don't you start a new thread on that theme--I think it would make for some interesting comments.