This question is just a little off the beaten path...in short, my brother lost his wife to complications of medications used to fight stage 4 lung cancer..she was taken to hospital on 7/3/11 in acute severe pain that had been building but largely ignored by doctors who thought is was advancing cancer...it wasn't. In the ER her chart said "66 year old woman with stage 4 lung cancer, narcotic for pain given". Doctors and nurses would walk past, look briefly at her chart and move along and not until her BP went through the overhead and her Os plunged to 42% was she given more than a glance..A CT showed a perforated ulcer, surgery at 0300, she knew she was going into surgery,came out on a ventilator and died a few days later never coming off the ventilator. B fought the lung cancer for 17 months.
Here is my?? I have been trying to impress on my brother that he needs some emotional help, he is one of these kinds of personalities that thinks any kind of counseling is for wooses (sp). In a few phone calls, he has said " I don't want anyone in this house touching any of B things..moving them around etc." He has put her picture everywhere.
I can understand leaving her study or sun room as she had it but everything is as it was all over the house, the dog she loved and he never really liked he is letting strangle him with it's needyness....drives him nuts but because B loved it so much he can't part with it...it would be wrong in his view.
Then last night on the phone he is going on about how much furniture they have stored in climate controlled storage, ( it would be really really nice items), how much paper work he has stuffed in the garage of our shared condo, and other things of his wife's family that goes back to Colonial days that his kids have no interest in...he is overwhelmed with all of this and his work...he said to the effect that he wanted to get all that stuff sorted out and not leave if for the kids to deal with someday, some firms have expressed interest in his law firm and he might just sell it but what would he do then...he has no hobbies.....etc....and just check out...He went on to talk about the kids some and how none of them seem to have any interest in family things, what to do with it all blah blah blah.
I told him I wanted to take hiim to Iceland..he is welcome there...his response is I just don't have an interest in travel..well this is not going to someplace like Paris where you would see the sites..it is a place to renew the soul...but no interest...and then he said his relationship with his wife is like Ron and Nancy Reagan's was.." just us"....
This level of isolation and lack of any kind of interest save for a smidge in his only grandson who will be 1 next week. makes me think he is clinicly depressed...
Is this leave the house as it was....a museum of sorts to " the way she left it" for so many months normal? If he didn't have his work to drown himself in he would go batty...
I don't know what to think...or who to call or what to do but I would hate to think one day someone finds him in the garage with carbon monoxide.....I get the feeling he is shutting himself off. I need some insight from those who have lost the LO and maybe some suggestions on which way to go with getting him some kind of help.
Mimi, I don't have personal experience in this, and I tend to let people work things out for themselves. But to address your question, could you express this to your brother's family doctor ? As a professional, he would be able to call your brother in, even on a pretext if necessary, and assess him. I would ask the doctor not to mention that you had phoned - that shouldn't be necessary but so as not to add to your brother's concern. I know that the doctor's first priority is his patient, and he will act accordingly.
Mimi...I don't have personal experience in this type of thing. But, I did have a brother and we were very close until his death so I do understand your concern. Just wondering, have you talked to his children about your concerns for your brother? Also, maybe they might be willing to take some of the things just to get them out of his sight and kind of start the process of getting things taken care of. They could even put the things in storage for a year or two and then later dispose of them since they have little or no interest in them.
It is so difficult when the children don't have the same interest as the parents and family things just get tossed aside, so to speak. Also, does he have a church he goes to. I know I hear you speaking of going to church, maybe you could ask your priest for advice?
Mimi, your brother has isolated himself with his wife's things etc. so he doesn't have to face the fact that she is gone. I hate seeing people do that but I have friends who have done the same thing and I don't know what you an do about it. I have called my friends who are widows who are "crying" about "How do you get over this"??etc. but when I try and set up a luncheon etc. to get them out of their house - they have a million excuses not to do it.
One of my friends husband died 12 years ago and she still has his bedroom "intact" like it was before he died - including his clothes. I had a favorite aunt who was bitter from the day her husband died until the day she died - 25 years later. As you will discover one day, it is hard to come to grips with being a single when you have always been part of a couple. Even if you weren't close. Things are never going to be the same again and change is hard for all of us - worse the older we get. But, we have the choice of living in the past or pulling up our bootstraps and adjust to our new situation. We choose to be happy or sad.
I am like your brother in that I don't feel comfortable with a Counselor but many are. Be kind to him and keep encouraging him to get out in the world and help him all you can. You can't live his life for him but your encouragement will do wonders. Glad he has you since his children don't seem to be taking a active part in his life. If he lives near you perhaps you can include him in outings, etc. Good Luck and hang in there.
I think it is normal for your brother to keep the dog. What would the alternative be? A dog is a member of the family and wouldn’t lose that position just because his wife died. It sounds like the dog is his only company – wouldn’t want him to lose that.
Everybody grieves in their own way. My brother-in-law kept his mother’s house just as she left it, when she died (that was 23 years ago) – I’d say it was a “shrine” rather than a “museum”. At first, I did convince him that her clothing could help many who were in need, and he allowed me to box it up, but then refused to let it out of the house after all. I found it all very creepy, but figured, hey – if it gives him comfort and helps him deal –whatever! It isn’t hurting anyone.
It seems to me that 1 year is kind of a customary period of mourning; I would give him that. I’m sure it is depressing for him to lose his wife and then maybe find out that his connection with his own children wasn’t what he hoped (maybe it was his wife who kept him connected with his children). But I think it is normal for him to be depressed. Not necessarily something that has to be fixed; but something that just needs more time.
I would just continue to stay connected with him and let him know how much you love him.
I almost immediately removed all items that reminded of the sickness. I am working on getting rid of her clothes and other things. I have left a few pictures up. I have tons of digital photos of her over the years on my pc. I have only heard from my step son to inquire about getting things that was his mom's.
Mimi I am a hospice patient visitor. It is less than a year since your brother lost his wife in such a traumatic way (is there a death not traumatic?). There is no time limit on grieving and we all do it in our own way. Healing requires us to have the courage to experience our feelings. Inevitably, this may entail handling some painful emotions. Your brother may not be ready for this yet. You might ask your local hospice for help.
Thanks everyone for your careful concerns and suggestions. I live in CA and he in TX. Of his kids, the eldest is married with one child, they are financially doing fine. The middle son is one who as a kid was in all kinds of troubles, in jail etc but has turned his life around and is a delight..the love of my brother's life. He is married and has no kids and his wife, though a beautiful looking young woman is a control freak and he sees less of his son because the wife is so close to her family and well you get the picture. The youngest is his only daughter who was born with all sorts of problems. Her mom was 40 something then and smoked and had the bit of wine..more than she should have. The girl has lots of problems and does things to really give her dad and mom a real dig..for what reasons I don't know. Her mom had a problem with the drink but overcame it and even in the midst of the alcoholism ( which is the reason I never went back to TX after my folks passed away because I just could not deal with this enabling bit) the mom was a fighter for her kids and especially the youngest who was born deaf and had so many physical problems..and outsider would think those kids terribly spoiled and in a way they were. My brother says he is shocked that his boys married such controlling women...I gently told him, boys will marry someone like their mom and girls will find someone like dad...and my sil was one who got what she wanted. My brother said he never saw anyone who could work as hard as she did and have the nails as perfect all the time as hers were..well mine could be that perfect if I had a housekeeper and yard guys etc all my married life but I was more like MY mom and did all this myself until the health issues pressed me into getting some outside help in those areas.. But my brother sees his wife without any faults..I guess this is natural and I go along with his views because she did have many wonderful qualities...it is just that the bad ones were really bad and drove people from her. My brother has talked about all of his wife's jewelery and she had a lot of wonderful beautiful pieces thats should go to his daughter but today the girls are only into white gold, platinum and some silver..sil had yellow gold...so I said hold on to it, she may change her taste in years ahead as she is only 26 now.. But as to the house, yes it is a shrine...I told him to feel free to move things about from place to place..his wife would have when she took a notion to have a favorite item on her desk or move something in the kitchen..she would be ok with that... Funny, when our folks died and we got a condo together in TX ( per dad's wish and for future use for our older brother who also has health issues and might have to move there at some point and as everything was pretty much willed to him) we set the place up with our folks things...I have some things at home and my younger widoewed brother has too...but interesting thing M said he didn't want the house to look like a shrine! The sad thing I think about his kids is that they have all grown up to be somewhat self centered. With us, they sort of expected Christmas and birthday gifts with nary a thought to let us know the item arrived let alone a thank you and Yet their mom taught them manners....but nope...entitlement generation on display. And for some reason, where for the rest of us, mementos of our parents and grandparents mean something but to hear him, his kids are well "flat" about this to use an AZ term. I think it bothers him that his kids find no sentimental value in anything...maybe it goes back to the days when she had her problems with the drink adn the kids were in junior and highschool years..maybe they are angry still and want nothing to do with anything that reminds them of that time in their family history. I look at my parents things and yeah some bad memories come to mind but far more good ones do and I love the china that was my mom's and her silver etc... I think it would help my brother to just have someone to talk to about things...I do think he is a bit past going to the cemetery every afternoon with the pooch and a glass of wine to " talk things over" with his wife... sad sad picture...when he called the other night it was quite late and he was on his patio with his glass of wine and the pooch..waiting for the pooch to " do it's duty" before bedtime.
I could see him wanting to leave all her personal effects, her clothes, beauty products as is but to not want anyone in the house for fear they might move something..which could be returned to it's space...seems a little well isolating to say the least..
Well I have my own troubles too.. I well may find myself in the similar boat when all is said and done in my miserable situation with ALZ..Had to unplug the damn toilet again..seems to be a once a week tasker now..bet he is plugging the toilet and not with paper...
Mimi....sometimes when life brings us problems we didn't expect (like AD for our spouses) and it becomes a full time job with many stress situations we should maybe step back and know that we can't take on the problems regarding other loved ones because we know in our hearts there is little we actually can do to change the problems of others. Time is a great healer and hopefully your brother will begin to show signs of his recovery before long.
I often looked at problems within my family that broke my heart from time to time trying my best to find something positive. It seems to me that maybe you might want to center on the fact that your brother and his family don't seem to have any financial problems and the problems they have are mostly of their own choosing and there really is little you can do about them as sad as that appears. Your health and the welfare of your dh is the most important thing right now. I hope venting your problems helped you some.
You know-I'm starting to not like the term "venting". JudithKB-this is not in response to your above post. Venting seems to be letting off steam in a non-productive way. Sometimes we want answers, sometimes opinions and sometimes just "to vent". It can mean so many things. I know we have all reached the breaking point-but can't break. I know I felt if I ever let myself lose it I would never find my way back. I'm thinking long and hard about posting this. I care so much about all of you and I don't wish to cause pain. If I offend just ignore.
Mimi, my brother is in the same way that yours is, but his wife has been gone 6 years.(she was addicted to pain meds & mis- medicated herself). He hasn’t kept the house as a shrine, but he hasn’t gotten rid of all her stuff either (& she was a collector – if she wanted it she got it – even if they couldn’t afford it). I am convinced that he is just going to grieve for her until he dies. He works second shift & so every night after work (usually about 2 AM) he starts a fire in his fire pit in the back yard (in all kinds of weather – rain, snow etc) & he listens to all the old romantic ballads & “talks” to her & our parents. I know there isn’t a time limit on grief, but it’s been 6 YEARS! He goes to a grief counselor & he says that he gets a lot out of the sessions, but I thought that going to a grief counselor was to help you work through your grief & move on. I try to be the good sister & just listen to him, but after a while (usually about twice a year I just give him the talk about moving on (he hates that phrase). The rally sad thing is that they really didn’t have that great of a marriage (she was very materialistic & like I said if she wanted it she got it). I personally think he is mourning the marriage he wishes that he would have had. We are very close (even though we live 900 miles away from each other) & he calls about once a week. I just try to be there for him. He talks to my DH & is so kind to him. I wish that I lived closer to him because I think that he would help me with DH & maybe I could help him move on. It IS so sad!
blue...you certainly didn't offend me. I don't care alot for the term either...but, sometimes others including me just need to get something off their chest and I do think it helps.