I've read your discussions from the sidelines for the last few weeks, which has helped me tremendously. Thanks for this site, it keeps me sane, or at least I hope it does. My DH was dx with Alz in 2000 by a neurologist. He's been on a downward trend ever since. We moved to SC in 2005 because I felt we would be better off here, more hosp., better care than we had in FL. It has proved to be the case. He's on Seroquel now which has helped more than Aricept which he doesn't take anymore. Too many problems. He's been on Seroquel for the last 2 months and I began to feel that we found the right medicine for him. He was calmer, more intent on taking his pills. He does continue to drink (wine) sometimes more than others. Getting him to stop is not going to happen as he becomes defensive, belligerant, etc. Tonight without any warning he was off the wall. We were getting ready for dinner and he began to berate me, trying to start an argument, calling me names, etc. I tried to ignore him. Put dinner on the table. He ate sparingly, still angry and getting more and more vicious. I began to wash the dishes and he came at me, fists clenched and in my face, using his favorite F...word, which he knows I hate. He was banging on the countertops, banging on the refrigerator, stating he wanted a divorce, if he had his choice he would hit me, kill me, etc. I backed away and he finally went to bed at 8pm. I poured myself a glass of brandy and it eased my shaking. I know we're told to call the police, but I can't bring myself to do that (the shame of having them come in our little neighborhood). I wish I had knockout drops that I could give him when he gets this way. Does anyone have any suggestions, please?
Let the police know of the potential for violence. When it happened to me DH was able to convince the police that this was a domestic issue. I was very frightened and left home for the night.
I am unsure as to how best to answer this. First I wish to say how very sorry I am you are going through this! It is so heart breaking. My husband also had AD rages for the past 3 years, mild at first then more progressive of course. When he did get aggressive to the point it made me nervous, I worked out a system with Lynn's sons who live nearby, but are not his care givers. They were very protective me. We made a deal, no matter what time it was I would call immediately! For some reason this always worked, just having another person to talk to , to distract him, redirected his focus and his temperment. I am not sure if you have someone who could help in this?
I am not sure what stage your husband is in, but I do have to wonder if he knows what he is doing, as you think he does. I know for a fact my husband had no clue he was doing this. Clearly it was due to the effects of AD on his poor brain, or he never would have acted this way in the first place! He would be appauld! If his sons question why he had shoved me, or was so angry with me, he had no idea what they were talking about. I wonder if this is true with your husband as well? It does not make the hurt less, but it does, in that you know it is NOT them. I hope that makes sense?
Perhaps you should talk to his doctor about changing his dosage, maybe it needs to be adjusted. Or a new medicine tried. Just as the safety of our LO is of vital importance... so is yours. Please keep that in mind. Thinking of you, Nikki
Well, if you are set on not calling the police, then you might want to contact a NH to find out what they use when someone goes off the deep end. You may be able to get that medicine in a cream or liquid and pass it to him unbeknownst.
Also, what about leaving? The Ugly Show (that's our little name for it) is not nearly as fun when you don't have someone to watch it! Your leaving takes away his audience, and keeps you safe. Many people here have created rooms that they can lock from the inside, or have second apartments to go to.
My first thought is for your safety. Your compassion and dedication is admirable, but that takes second place to death and injury. Please think of yourself as a person who deserves to live without fear.
Thank you both for your comments. I don't know whether he knows he's doing this at the time. Sometimes after he calms down, he'll come to me and apologize. Of course, he'll say if I wasn't in the house, it wouldn't have happened. He keeps telling me to leave the house, go away, etc. I'm afraid to leave him alone, as we have a little dog and I don't trust him as his logic seems to be flawed lately. I do know if he didn't drink, he wouldn't be as bad, but he won't stop. I told him I'm taking the credit card away and there won't be any more liquor in the house, he didn't like that one bit. It's bad enough to have a DH with Alz. but when you have one that also has a drinking problem, that's the pits. I could leave, but we're in our early 70's and have been married for over 35 years. Also I have no support as we don't have children and our friends just think he has a little memory problem...most people have no idea of what Alz really is. Sorry to ramble on for so long. Just so good to be able to communicate with someone as I have no one to talk to.
Sadmomma, can you take the dog for a walk while he calms down, if you won't call the police? If he has short term memory loss, just take the credit card without telling him. Remember, the reason button is broken. I'm sure he isn't still driving, right?
sadmomma- bluedaze is right, you need to register with your police dept that your husband has AZ and he can be aggressive. You must keep you safe. My husband also has volatile tendencies and I have notified the people who need to know. My husband gets up in the middle of the night and drinks. He doesn't remember in the morning however. I just see the glass in the sink. We here have a real idea what this devil of a disease is. You have support and friends here. We all know and understand. You have all of us to talk to and listen to. We are all on the same journey.
Thank you all for your supportive comments. I really need some encouragement tonight, my spirits are so low. The loneliness of this disease is what really gets me. We married for love and companionship and because of Alz we have neither. Our LO can be so cruel in their comments and so unfeeling, it's the nature of the disease they say, but that doesn't make it any easier for us caregivers.
After an event, where I received several poundings on the arm and head, for attempting to follow through on the promised consequence of him blowing his nose without any kind of hanky, in the house, I mulled over a few things. The help I sought from our Community Mental Health help line--talk to his Dr.(it was New Years eve night)--was useless. By the time I talked to his Dr. 2 days later, everything had calmed down and was 'over'. There was no call to Police, and no record with them of the circumstances here.
I made up my mind, whether it's really him, or the disease doesn't matter. That behavior is unacceptable. I will be safe, and documentation of such events prepares the way for future care--locked unit NH,. if need be. I can't take care of him at all if I am hurt---or dead.
Sadmomma, your name says it all. As I said, your safety IS vital. I remember posting to a board once about this, and the only help I got was to have him locked up. We are each different, and that was not an option to me. That is why I tried to offer you other advice as you already said you didn't want to call the police. Having said that.. HAD he ever truly hurt me, I am unsure what I would have done... but I do believe as carosi said, my safety would have to come first. Even his children agreed with this.
I thought on this for a bit, and what came to mind was when I was first diagnosed with my neuroligical diseases. Lynn and I were talking to the doctor about the risks of the impending brain surgery. Lynn looked my doctor hard in the eyes and said- tell me, what would YOU do if this was YOUR wife?? I thought that was an excellent question! So, I will ask you, if you had a child, sister or LO who was in your place, what would you wish them to do .. to take care of them?
I wont go on any more, as I have been there and I know the fears. Just know everyone here is wonderful and will support you and listen to you. I just joined the group yesterday, several people said something that brought tears to my eyes, I will borrow their words to share with you... you will never be alone again.
Come often, share. It truly helps. Keeping you in my thoughts, Nikki
Sadmomma, what a terrible pain for you to have to endure. having our LO become violent is so frightening. do as others say and register him with the local police just in case. nobody will know but you. it is for your protection and like others say paves the way for faster 'help' if you need it in the future. if i were in your shoes, and i was early in our Dx, i had a couple of fists in my face, thats all it took for me to call his neuro and tell him i want something to control his aggression now. he used zyprexa, for a few months, it zonked him out good and i was so grateful. i didn ASK if he wanted to take it, i gave it to him any way i could get it in. its either that or have them in lockdown in county hospital?? they would still be given something to reduce the aggressive behaviour anyway. so i did what i had to do. my DH was a boxer in college, need i say more? i think when this happens you have to take any means possible for safety. and ps, seroquel CAN MAKE them aggressive when first given, i hear it takes several wks to kickin. in our case, DH got worse with it so i had to go with the zyprexa instead. survival stage is very scary. divvi
divvi, I took your advice. Got rid of the alcohol (I'll have hell to pay later for this) and took away his credit card (also fighting words). I'll tread easy today and look into other options. He's apologetic this morning (as always). Sometimes I wonder is it Alz or just alcohol?
Divvi, may I please say how I admire your fortitude and caring soul for what you have gone thru. I KNOW I could never have done what you have all these years. You are quite the inspiration, lady!
I haven't even read any of the other answers. This is what the Alzheimer's Association told me. Dial 911 and tell them that he is violent, has dementia and you need someone to take him to the hospital. Because that is where he needs to go until they get his medications stabilized.
You need to ask yourself: Do you want to survive this? Do you choose to live?
Right now, even if he isn't violent right now, get on the phone to his doctor and report his behavior and ask if he needs to go to the hospital. If the answer is yes, call the paramedics. NOW!
In my case I gave him the keys to the car and called the police. The nice policeman scared the living s@#^%#$ out of him and he has not forgotten. Now if something happens to me, they have a record and will know. If I have to call them to help me find him, they know he has dementia.
Thank you Kathi but I dont deserve anything the others here havent done or gone thru. its just that some of us have been it longer than others so we have more 'experience' if you want to use that word. I am committed heart soul and body to getting myself thru this ordeal as well as my DH the best road possible if its in my ability. there are many here who do exactly what i do and more, so if theres any admirable qualities to taking on this job then so many here already wearing their medals -you too will do whats right for you and yours as needs change. divvi
I will admit to having a couple of times during tantrums that I wondered if he would turn on me. He swears he would never ever hit me, but down the line, who knows. We have an undercover cop for a next door neighbor, and he is terrific (and his family) for all the help they can give. He just has to be around at the right time...hmmmm. Last year while on vacation we had a plumbing leak that they caught...his wife apologized to me for having to call a plumber rather than have her husband do the repair, but "He was in a hostage situation down town and couldn't get away!" This said with all true sincerity..I really had to laugh.
Thanks all for your help. I've taken steps recommended and also notified our attorney who is in the process of drawing all the legal documents necessary. Thank you Joan for this web site, without it I would be lost and thank you all my sisters in Alz for your support.
sadmomma, some people have had good success at substituting alcohol-free wine for ADLOs who want to drink. If your husband can still tell what's in the bottle, then buy some "real" wine, pour it out (or drink it yourself!!!) and refill the bottle with the alcohol-free version. If necessary, do it a bit at a time, cutting the real with the alcohol-free, to get him used to the taste.
I found I could buy my husband non-alcoholic beer and he didn't know the difference. I believe there are a couple brands of non-alcoholic wine as well - might help diffuse the situation.
I think the small amounts of wine or beer at dinner are helping him not sundown and go to sleep at a reasonable hour. So there is another side to it. His neurologist knows he is drinking and how much he is drinking and has no problem with that. He was never an ugly drunk, and still isn't, although he can't get drunk on the amounts we are talking about.
When my husband was first diagnosed, I looked up alcohol, because he does like a glass of wine with dinner. The only thing I could readily find said that many AD patients have the opposite reaction to sleep meds than expected, and sometimes a little wine in the evening can help them sleep.
But, of course, it makes a difference whether they'll drink in moderation. He never argues with me about wanting more. And his doctors do know that he drinks wine, and they've only suggested that he stick with the one glass except for special occasions. (He never shows any effects from the wine, or I'd have stopped that.)
Sunshyne, my husband like yours is drinking the one large glass of wine, or the one bottle of beer with a meal. And is reacting to it OK. And both of us have doctors who know they are doing it. Under our circumstances it is OK, and maybe even good for them. I can see situations where it would not be OK.
It looks like this is another one of those things that can go either way, and it is important for those reading this to realize that it can be good or bad or some of each.
wine in boxes - from Almaden, Franzia, and some higher-end brands - keeps well out of the fridge. I half-fill a (half) carafe with wine from the box, then fill the carafe up with water and refrigerate it. He's never realized he's getting it at half strength! and it keeps me moderate too. Of course, what it TASTES like... ah, well..
May I suggest soda water or any sparkling water rather than plain..My Dh is not supposed to drink at all, but he wants something occasionally..spritzers (wine w/ soda) are a great answer.He deals with that fairly well now...we have a large wine cellar and our kids are enjoying the benefits of it now ):-(.
Well,sadmomma - i live in Fl. and was thinking about moving away too. - you are right about Fl. - seems somewhere else would be better! Just a note about the meds my husband is on. He has been on Namenda for three years and then Excelon patch was added every other day - later I asked for something to give to sleep and calm him down and was given Seroquel 25mg. It seems the Seroquel used every night makes him more confused and angry. So, i only give it when he starts acting a little mean and he sleeps well with it and is fine next day. dr. says give the excelon daily or every other day as seems best and use the serquel when needed. So, she lets me call it - doctors really don't know what to tell you, I believe, it's hit and miss. Seems the Namenda does well, from the beginning. He has never used Aricept. i was little confused at first on what to give but now - it's just routine untill another phase hits.What a disease. Maybe I will get out of Fl. but, am tired and hate to make another move?!! Best of luck to you!!
asa, you have a good doctor you can work with from your description. If the insurance company is giving you grief, and you are paying for it yourself, look around and during the next period when you can change companies without penalty, change.
I truly don't think it is any particular state. Even with the problems I had in California, I really don't know if it was the medical group or the insurance company or the combination of the two of them that caused my problems. Somehow I think that if I had made some changes during those last few years things would have been better. But like you, I was so tired...