The closer it gets to DH going in the ALF the more nervous I get! I took some paper work up this morning. Tomorrow we get the results of the TB test and if it is clear DH can move in anytime. I am not sure he realizes he is going there to LIVE. A couple of times he has asked about me going with him and yesterday he asked if he was moving out of here...when I said yes he said he didn't know that. He has also mentioned about him having to work there and they might want him to drive.
I talked to the lady at the ALF and she says DH will be fine, I hope and pray that is true. I will see what happens when I take him and decide if I should visit the next day or wait a couple of days for him to settle in. Please send positive thoughts this way.
You can do this. Keep positive thoughts going. And remember if you act like this is a good thing your DH will feel better about it. It is for the best (easy for me to say, I am not there yet). Your DH will be well taken care of and you need to start taking care of yourself. I wish you the best, you are in my prayers.
I agree. The staff is experienced in helping your LO make the transition. One suggestion is for you to say you will be nearby but can't share his room w/him. The first day or two will be the most difficult for both of you but I believe the transition will go well. I hope and pray for the best. It is a beginning...and one that will prove beneficial to both of you.
Jean21--you are re-playing my life of the past week. Exactly as you state. I could hardly bear the days leading up to move-in. Now we are dealing with the tribulations of his escalating AD-psychiatric issues, and while the move didn't exactly HELP with this problem, the problem did make the need for the move abundantly clear.
My best comfort is that the staff are calm. They are not freaking out about the need to try/and adjust a new medication strategy. I, personally, AM freaking out. But it reassures me that they aren't acting like this is anything drastic or new.
jean just try to stay calm and explain things as you know HE will want to hear them. nobody knows him like you do. yes he may get a bit ansy but thats to be expected. give it a few days for him to adjust. like the others always say its worse on the one not moving. his new home will be just that soon enough. a hug and good vibes coming to you both. divvi
Praying for you and your DH. Just keep reminding yourself that now he will have the 24/7 care he needs and deserves, and that you will be able to get some much needed rest so that you can be an even better caregiver and advocate for him.
I thank each of you for your words of encouragment, I don't know what I would do without all of you. You are all the BEST, especially Joan for thinking of doing this site.
Everyone i know said they were told to wait a few days.ithink they need time to adjust and waiting a couple days gives them a chance to do that.I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well.
I asked about that at the ALF and they said people are different and some visit the next day without a problem. They did suggest waiting and seeing how he is the first day.
Jean21, I am so thinking of you. My DH is awaiting placement as soon as a space be omes available.....weeks or months. You have everyone here to encourage you. This waiting is tormenting. Wishing you the best during this transition.
((Jean)) I remember the anxiety, my heart goes out to you! It is a personal choice if you go right away or stay away for awhile. I HAD to stay for 10 hours that first day as Lynn reacted badly. That wasn’t my plan, but he let me know he needed me there. Follow your DH lead. Keeping you in my thoughts ((hugs))
You're just behind Carosi and me. I put my wife into a NH on Jan 26. The social worker there had a long talk with me and suggested I let her settle down a bit before I see her but that it was up to me. I talked to her a couple of times because I had a horrible time going to see her at first. My situation is somewhat different because my wife hasn't been able to speak hardly for some time and is very advanced.
There was guilt, a wall of pent up things that came out once the hour by hour stopped, crying because I'd never really 'felt' what had happened to us, and the new lonliness.
I've had a tough two months where sometimes I didn't know who I was and never felt like myself; but, it is steadily improving as the days go by and I'm learning to allow myself to live in the true sense of that word.
The truth is I've had a few happy days lately, I can feel myself coming back to what I recognize, and I can think of her and see her without the horror and overwhelming saddness of her condition or what has happened to us. I'm steadily moving to acceptance with time.
I realized I couldn't remember her voice. I think much of that is still protected from me. I love her so much I can't allow myself to think like that too much because it's so hard. But then I called out to her in the way I always did even though I know she's not here because I can't remember her 'voice' but I can use mine.
It's a bit crazy to be calling out Dianne when she's not here. But the truth is it's very comforting. Not every last thing was destroyed. I can hear all the times that I said things like "Dianne? I'm making a sandwich do you want one?" I did it in front of my best friend just a few days ago and he was startled. I smiled and said it's comforting to hear me do one thing just like we used to.
It's very hard and it will be very strange at first; but, I know Carosi will agree that while it's been tough, we can both see that it's gradually coming around. What helps a lot for me is understanding that if I am to continue as my half of what we were, then I have to learn to love life again the way my half of what we were always did.
What Wolf has said is so true. Our circumstances are different, but the same. DH was hospitalized in mid-Jan. for a med.eval. and adjustment. He then had a breathing crisis, and began treatment for congestive heart failure as well. In the meantime, I was dealing with the setup for the Short Sale of our house, beginning sorting and packing, trying to setup transportation to see DH (GoBus has to be set up a day in advance), all while 16 hours of in-home help left because he wasn't home. All that and for 2 weeks, DH was moved from the ER to a room, to a Psychiatric hospital; back to the ER, to the Critical Care Unit, to the Psyc Med Unit and finally to the NH. I felt as though I was in a robotic trance--doing what had to be done, while feeling totally empty-holow inside. My daily routine was gone. Myt 4 hours sleep at night was even out of routine. He was Placed Jan30th. Weather issues seemed to crop up everytime I tried to go see him. I HAD to find an apartmnt, because of the Short Sale. When it sells, I have to give up the keys immediately-potential to be homeless. In the meantime, DH calls me several times a day. He fixates on things he needs--right now it's shaving gear. He's still not eating well. Last Dec . he weighed 239--good normal for a manwith his bone structure. He now weighs 206. They are watching this. On Mar.1 I signed the lease and moved to a 1 bedroom apartment. DH knows, yet several times a week tells me he's seeing the Dr., or asking the Dr. when he's going to be released. He knows the house is essentially gone. As closely as they are monioring his CHF (it is bad) and wih his VaD, h is exactly where he needs to be. I am at peace with that. Very slowly, I am working to establish new routines. I aim to see him 1-2 times a week. The apartmen is not "home" yet. I am working on that. While still at the house, several time I "heard" him call out to me around 10:30 at night--he used to check if I was still up. I even answered once or twice. Auditory memories. They haven't happened here. But, here, is sooo empty yet. I'm working on that. Gone shopping, had lunch out with a friend, considering how to give this all-white place some color. Slowly bringing order and life to the chaos that descended, here. I so wish the plan for placement followed by setting up the Short Sale followed by moving,had happened because it woiuld have been easier to adjust to the losses and changes. Just like everything else to do with Dementia--it is what it is. We pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get on with living. I've got a lot of that to do yet.
carosi, I don't know how you do what you do and keep on going. You are an inspiration to everyone here, you put Wonder Woman to shame. DH won't be able to call me from the ALF because he won't have a 'phone. He has forgotten how to use one and never understands what the person on the other end is saying so I shouldn't have that problem. I hope your husband settles down and that you take care of yourself. God Bless.
Just a warning Jean--Jeff HAS called me twice since he moved, because he asked staff to call me for him, then he gets on the phone. If he had a phone, he wouldn't know how to use it, but he does know how to ask!
emily, DH doesn't understand me standing right in front of him so I know he wouldn't on the phone, plus the fact most of the time he can't find the words he needs to say what he wants. Today he was trying to ask me for something and I asked if he wanted an elastic band. Probably wrong choice of words from me but I went and got a RUBBER band and that was what he wanted. He said he needed 4 of them for some of his stuff when he goes on Monday. I have no idea what he is going to use them on but I told him to wait until we start getting everything together.
Jean, Wolf and Carosi, I am so sorry I can't imagine how hard it is to let go. Even though sometimes I literally seethe with anger at my poor dh recently while he was in the hosp for 12 days I heard him coming in the back door and clomping through the house. Ghosts... these constant adjustments just wear one down. So many losses. I am glad you Wolf are starting to find something again...It gives us all hope.
Emily too, I must have missed that you had placed your Jeff. Last time I was here you were looking at ALFS. I hope all is settling down for you. So much stress