We had this discussion too. She went so far as to set me up with her best friends, telling her that I would be a great match for her. She wanted me to move on when the time came. Her best friend later dropped her like a rock as the going got tough towards the end, and I have not acted on her overtures now.
i hope you also return sarahlynn. while we say we try not to 'judge' sometimes the words we write speak differently. it was also my assumption that any and all matters pertaining to a couple dealing with dementia are allowed here for discussion sans religion /politics. i also find it a bit disturbing that some of the men here have decided to-- yes, ---have a third party in a relationship prior to the AD spouses demise AND i didnt find alot of questioning on those posts by ANYONE, in fact alot of the posts say that each person will decide whats right for them and most agreed. none who replied asked that these persons retreat to a different forum to discuss a 3rd party in the mix. some women here have also stated they may would be up to a relationship outside the marriage vows if the occasion would arise. i think the age factor is an important issue as well. those who would not contend to being interested in a sexual relationship now, may be more prone to dissaprove. those in their 40's-50's and so may be more lenient as during those years the losses seem intensified. maybe it could be we are showing signs of having double standards, that what is acceptable for men isnt for the women. i dont say its right or wrong, simply that the gender shouldnt matter. and if we are not able to offer support or constructive criticism to an individual then we must at least offer tolerance of their particular situations ps i love you guys here, but i needed to make my point.. :)
I guess I'll weigh in on this debate. When I first read Sarahlynn's initial post, it seemed the focus was mostly on her issues with the man she had befriended, more than on the issues she was having taking care of her husband. I don't remember any other first-time posters with similar input--and perhaps that's why some people were thrown for a loop by it. We still don't know their ages, his dx, what events led up to her seeking help here at Joan's. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with her post, but it was different than any others I can remember since I joined here in 2008; and in general, people don't react well to change. I feel sorry when people come to the website looking for help and are subsequently so upset by others' reactions that they withdraw--they are probably the people who need our help the most.
Nelsons, not only did we never have that conversation, but he wouldn’t even talk about the possibility of DEATH! If I ever tried to bring up the subject he would practically turn & run. (Why he was afraid of death, or possibly believed that he wasn’t going to die, I’ll never know……like I said, he wouldn’t talk about it.) I did tell my kids that if I went before their father & he had a girlfriend before I was “cold in the ground” they shouldn’t be upset, because I knew that he was the type who COULDN’T be alone. I told them that I, on the other hand, would NOT be seeking another companion (& this was before AD). Bruce D* thank you for writing what was in my heart. I agree with you!
Bruce P : When your SO ceases to exist as the person you knew and loved for most of your life; when that person no longer knows who you are; when that person no longer responds to your touch, to your loving care and attention to all her needs who are you cheating on? I feel the phrase “to cheat on an ill spouse” fails to accommodate the realities of AD. Philosophically can one call it cheating when the person to whom you are married to no longer exists in any form that you can relate to or is capable of relating to you? For most in this post....the phase of not yet, I can't see myself... I'm still numb phase... not making any sort of consious decision is sufficient at the moment. It's when circumstances present themselves that a decision will be made.
I think this is a topic that people have to just agree to disagree on. For myself, as long as my husband is drawing breath, I would not be intimate with another man. I do not need to have any circumstances present themselves to know that with absolute certainty. But I would never try to convince anyone who felt differently, that they are cheating. We are answerable to our own conscience and our own God. - Yeah for free will!
I agree with you Nelsons. Not that I have any interest at this point, and also if I tested my conscience now, I couldn't. In theory though, I agree. "Fails to accommodate the realities of AD" is a good phrase.
i read a review that said as many as 30-60% of all married persons will cheat on their spouses at some point in their marriage. humm. and that close to half of all marriages end in divorce. . thats without the AD FACTOR. i think we are doing a really good job here folks considering the odds. :)))
AD or no AD I am too tired to even think of having a relationship with another man. It would take more energy than I have to "dress up" and act joyful or whatever!
AD or no AD it would take more energy than I have to even think of a relationship with another man. I wouldn't have the energy to "dress up" makeup, hair, wear heels etc. I will just vegetate in my chair!!!!
Okay, I need to weigh in here. When we were first on this journey we visited a memory care unit and the wife of a resident was asked to tell us how she liked the unit and how well her husband had adjusted. The wife of the resident was with her "high school classmate" allegedly going to a 30th reunion. She was loving and caring towards her husband but it was clear that she and her "classmate" were more than "friends", possibly "friends with benefits". I was judgemental and turned off; your husband knows who you are, expresses love and affection and you are visiting him with someone you clearly have a relationship with? How insensitive!!! Now almost 4 years later, I am less judgemental...whatever works for you-who cares. DH and I never had a conversation about what relationship we could /couldn't do if one of us was incapable or even dead. I know DH would have another relationship/marriage and not think there was anything wrong with that. That would be okAy with me. At this point in our lives and our journey, I do not want another serious relationship; I'm done. I'm not even sure I want a "friend with benefits" in the future but hey, you never know.
When I read sarahlynns post my heart went out to her. Her original post showed how vulnerable we are. How raw our emotions are and throwing a 'wrench' into the equation can be devastating.
Barry Petersen's life works because he was in a place to handle it. He was blessed to find another woman that had no problem with his wife still being in the equation. She is a rare find - IMO.
What draws us to thinking about someone else can be a bad marriage or just the longing for companionship with someone from the opposite sex. Not necessarily sexual, but meaningful conversation, laughing, and touch. How many times do people here in our 'family' express the ache for a good hug or a conversation 'you just said that' ?
I hope saralynn stays around. I am trying to remember, but I think it was coco or abby that was ready to leave when they first came (sorry if I am wrong) and I am sure they are not the first. Many when they first start posting are emotionally hurting and maybe looking for a magic bullet to make the pain go away. What they get is reality and love, not judgement or lashings although it may seem that way. And if some post come across as judgement - let it go. Accept that everyone is entitled to their opinion and not all of us are great at writing our words.
As said earlier - if you don't like a thread, don't read it. I try to avoid some but am so afraid I will miss something important about someone in my 'family' here, so I read them. If I really am bothered by the subject thread - I will glance through it.
Again, we are all emotionally raw. Saralynn has given us a reminder/food for thought when it comes to adding a third person to the equation, even if it is non-sexual - think it through that even though you might be able to handle it, be aware the other person may be not be mature enough to handle AD in the equation. In the end the pain may be worse than not at all.
And, saralynn - I have had a not so good marriage and I am not alone. Sex was gone years ago - I can't even remember what it feels like to be hugged romantically or feel sexual.
Following are excerpts from sarahlynn's first post. She clearly states their ages, how long they have been married, her frustrations and her loneliness and she asks for help. Seems like her post is quite like many other first posts I have read. Personally I believe she has just as much need for this site as any of us and whether I agree or disagree with her actions makes no difference.
"i have been marry to my husband for 25 years , and i am 20 years younger than him he is 64 and i am 46 . well , i am tired burned out many other motions right now...
...we found out he has alzheimer and its the short term memory . and i have nobody to help me ,i dont expect the girls to put there life on hold...
...i just got terminate from my job, so i am mad , i am tied , i am longly and alone . i am his caregive , his nurse and he always saids he love me appicates me for everthing i do and he couldnt do without me , and gives me a hug and kiss . but we have no sex life its been gone for years , i just wish i had some body to talk thats been here before help !!!! "
If you can go back to earlier posts I believe Sarahlynn has her email address after her name. Maybe someone would like to email her and invite her back. I am neutral about the whole thing except for myself.
Saralynn is needing emotional support. My opinion, I hope she comes back. She was so honest and just poured her heart out to us. If she were a friend - I would invite her for coffee. Just as she said, she is lonely. None of us ask for this AD crap and we, speaking for myself, all have needed a shoulder to cry on. I would just like to help anyone when there spirit is broken. I'm not going to judge anyone. I miss the romance and hugs and hell yes intimacy of sex. Life goes on. If she were a friend or family member I would give her a big ole hug.I thank all of you for your kindness and support. I feel like we are a cyber-family.
I cannot speak for Coco, but you are correct in your reference to me. I don't know how I found this site. I posted, I think late in December and then took offense- I dont even remember why.
I have learned two lessons from this, one is; do not do anything in December. The month is full of memories, dates; all that are dangerous to my fragile mental health. The more important lesson was this: what I found here are women and men who are understanding, knowledgeable, perceptive and kind beyond belief.
I was not smacked, I was welcomed; even after my rant. My rant came from pain, from feeling alone and bereft in this challenge, this struggle.
I still have the pain, but thanks to this site I now feel understood and supported.
awwww.....abby...so darn sweet. I got a good giggle out of your "do not do anything in December" I would have though along the left brained way, analytical and sensible, and now I realize, it is the season. ! (lol)
Thank you for sharing your honest raw pain, searing and beautiful at the same time. I am so glad , you stuck around. And it makes me want to stop being such a wimp and stand up for myself.
to every one who wants to read the first statement i wrote on this site , it will be under , hi my husband has alzheimers , i hope everyone is getting along well,
Hi Sarah....do hope you are back to stay. We want to share in your problems and many of them will be the same problems we all have. Personally, I don't know how I would have been able to make it this far along without this wonderful site. (Hugs) What stage do you think you dh is in?? If you need info on where to go to find the info on the stages will will be happy to send you in the right direction.
Sarahlynn, I am so happy to see that you posted. I hope this means you will give us another chance and come to find out for yourself what a loving compassionate group we really are. ((Hugs))