I'm not on here too often, but today, I need to vent!! How can your heart be breaking for your loved one & within an hour or so, you could just strangle him? We have a simple shelf for the wall in the bathroom - two & a half hours of trying to figure out how to drill the holes for the screws, and nothing was accomplished anyway. This is the man who did woodworking, made various decorative items, even made blue-ribbon winners for the county fair - it really broke my heart. Then he kind of turned on me, almost like he was trying to start an argument. My stomach is in knots, & I AM going to write in my journal after I get my shower - that usually helps calm me a little, but any helpful words or encouragement would be so appreciated. Thanks for listening (reading!).
Mim, it would be my guess that the poor man is frustrated at what he can no longer do. Can you imagine spending that much time trying to do something that he may remember only took him minutes once upon a time? Maybe you can just tell him that you understand how frustrated he is but there is no need to be mean...that you are there with him and will always be there. Maybe a little reassurance will go a long way in making him feel better. Sometimes my Lloyd gets aggressive when he gets frustrated. I just tell him that if he hits me that I will knock him on his ass. It's been a great deterrent so far. And, thankfully, he doesn't get like that very often. (((Hugs))) to you and hang in there!!!
It is a fact of life....the simple things they used to be able to do are gone. He thinks he is able to still do everything but his abilities are just gone. I have learned not to ask. My front door is an example of his "handiwork". All I wanted was a couple of nails hammered in over the door so I could string a garland of greenery to discourage the birds from roosting over the door. Last year, my porch was a mess from the birds. 4 hours and he managed to put in two curtain brackets. Yesterday, after 4 more hours, he put the garland up. He looped it all over the place. Neighbors must be wondering. He will never admit he is now unable to do anything manual. He knows his math is gone, driving is gone. Memory is nonexistent. My wants are very simple now. I try to keep him as contented as possible. Life, in spite of this journey, is still very short. Sometimes there are days I don't think I will live through. Then God blesses me with a not-so-bad day.
I don't ask my husband to do anything like that anymore. When I asked him to get a pot from my pot drawer this evening, he asked me where the pots were!!! Everything I ask him has to be asked in increments, little by little, one step at a time, because he simply can't do something that requires more than two steps at the most. I find myself getting more irritated than I have in the past and have to really control myself so it doesn't lead to an argument. I have to keep a mantra going in my head: "He can't help it. He can't help it. He can't help it." If I forget, then we're in trouble.
I hear each of you! Everything you've said hits the nail on the head (no pun intended!!). He still thinks he can do things, thinks he's still active (sits in the recliner most of the day!), & after today, I realize I cannot ever ask those things of him again! I have "gone over his head", so to speak, in the past & he get's really P.O.'d at me, but after a while, it's forgotten again. Of course, I feel guilty for even thinking to ask him, but I'm trying to deal with guilty feelings (a whole 'nother subject!).I'm only an imperfect human being. Last week, we had a wonderful day, lunch in the park, etc., & I know I just have to enjoy those when they come & get through the rest as best I can. Today just seemed to really get under my skin.
My DH asks if he can help, but I just tell him thanks but I 'll do it. The last time I asked him to do something simple (put the crushed cans in the recycle bag on the door knob (he was standing right in front of the door) he couldn't find it. (he has a terrible case of agnosia) I kept pointing to the bag & then I lost it & yelled at him. He got scared & he kept apologizing. After I calmed down I felt soooooo bad I cried & told him that it wasn't his fault. I have learned that it just isn't worth upsetting us both, so I don't ask him to do anything. If he tries to do something & can't I just grit my teeth & do it for him.
its hard to come to the realization they can no longer do the things they used to. when it happens for the first time we become aware how sad it is for us to witness the loss of functions. my DH wasnt a very good handyman either to begin with but i knew it was useless to ask to have him do something. having them just sit and keep you company while you work or hold the tools, etc. may be all they are capable of.
At this point, I don't think he would even try to help me - I guess he would feel that somehow he wasn't being a man if he helped me with a "man's job"! He always seemed to have a real "thing" about being manly, very old-fashioned in his thinking - a man did this & a woman did that. He's 77, by the way, so maybe that's not too surprising. I, of course, am just a young, modern chick!!! :):)
It's frustrating. You kind of have to learn to steer them away from even thinking about attempting handy jobs. Do it yourself when he's not paying attention. I've had my brother-in-law help me with things that were out of my league by saying he was an expert at that particular task, and that seemed to be acceptable to my husband.
I wish I could say I learned this quickly but after many times feeling frustrated and angry, I learned not to ask her to do anything. If you don't expect anything, you won't be disappointed when they can't do it. And my life was much calmer once I really believed it. Then I didn't feel bad and I didn't make her feel bad. Hire a handyman to do some jobs if necessary.
I too have given up asking him to do any thing ...every thing he touches he breaks . Forgot to replace the vacuum cleaner filter when he emptied it...used it and all the dirt and dust got sucked up into the motor. Now I wait till Dh is in day care and ask DS to do things for me....and I'm having to learn to do a lot of things myself.
I did a little talk at a Senior Center last week on Early Stage AD and one of the things I included (because people ask "Does Steve know he has AD?") was about self-awareness of the disease. One of my reference books "Alzheimer's Early Stages" by Daniel Kuhn explains it very well--if an AD patient is taxed beyond their capabilities, their self-awareness is heightened and they become frustrated and angry. On the other hand, if NOT pushed beyond their capabilities, many are unaware of their deficits and are much easier to get along with.
This reinforces what everyone else here has said--most of us have learned the hard way, ask them to do virtually nothing. It's easier on all that way.
Elaine, Yup, I've "lost it " a few times myself with results like yours. You're right about how one feels afterwards. My DW can sometimes go on and on nagging and complaining about some imaginary problem and can bit by bit push me right to the edge of what I can stand. Sometimes I just have to distance myself from her as she may just as likely push me away if I try to calm her with a hug. It's really, really draining.
"If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child." -- Linda Sunshine
This is true of any relationship isn't it? And multiplied tenfold with an AD spouse.....
One of the many frustrations. They always want to help. Who doesn't want to feel needed. But it is a constant battle. I can no longer give my DH the smallest task. When i give him a one step instruction he says ok and then stands there not having a clue. His o.t. Brought over a box of different Bolts, nuts, washers screws. I now ask him to help me and I hand him a washer, bolt, nut. He can put it together and I thank him for being such a great help. He has no idea it has no meaning to me but gives him a sense of accomplishment. Besides he loves spinning the washer on the bolt. Yes this is exhausting......and I am sooooooooo tired.