Now that it has been over a month, I can really feel the burden I was under. It comes on so slowly while being the caregiver that you know it there but, when all of a sudden the burden is taken away, you go How did I do that? It is then at that moment one understands the real burden of caregiving. All I can say is even with all of the things that come your way, take joy in what they can still do, the things they do wrong appreciate that they are still here with you. Realize that one day you will feel the real burden of caregiving come upon you.
Since being in the later stages I have said over and over, that “today, what you are dealing with right now, is the best it is ever going to be. Try to not dwell on what your spouse can no longer do and instead concentrate on what your loved one CAN still do.”
If I dwell on everything Lynn can no longer do, I wouldn’t get out of bed from sheer depression and unspeakable grief. So I had to change my outlook and now I truly do treasure just every little thing that Lynn can still do. His smile still has the power to light my whole world.
Great advice for us Bob, we need to try to be grateful for what we do still have.
I appreciate your points very much Bob. We don't always know what we're carrying, because it has built up so gradually. I got a clue when my sis-in-law stayed with Jeff for 4 days last month, simply because she made a point of telling me how she now understood what I was dealing with.
Bob, your words are wise and true and your healing process must be so emotional. I guess today after yet another exhausting weekend of the rollar coaster we call life I am struck by Caregivers and the daily walk of extreme sadness. Not mine..... his (I just get to see it/aware of it), LOOOONG over due visit from Grandchildren (selfish parents) visited and now he had no real joy in his smile, no understanding to the things they were saying, no,just the blank "i haven't a clue" look. That's the burden we endure because we see and reckonize it and we love them. Your right Bob every good day a Blessing to our hearts ...........for they hold our hearts and they just don't know it anymore.
And I don't know about you Terry54, even after a recent visit from our adult kids they still don't get it, even with DH. Late stages. Sooooooooo frustrating on top of frustration. And Bob I know in my head words you are saying are so true, but I probably won't know it with my heart until it's after the fact......that's just the truth.
Nikki & Bob - your advise is so good I wish I could remember that when I get so sad over what was and will never be again. I'm trying to decide how I'll sell our 5th wheel. It is so hard to realize we will never be using it again. I got the picture the dealer took of us and the 5th wheel the day we got it. The picture has the full description of the rig so I can put all that in an ad. What a happy, smiling couple so full of life and looking to go places. We were and did and it was fun but as dh says I'm not through. Of course his driving that rig is out of the question and I never learned to do anything but drive down the road with it so I can't take us anyplace. Some days he does well and I've got to hold on to those as I know from reading others here that he will decline and never improve. So thanks, for reminding me to live each day and treasure the good times.
Flo, how hard it is to continue to give up parts of who we use to be as a team. I am sorry for your lost dreams........the overwhelming sadness is something I think I will always feel. But yes, please do try to enjoy what you do still have. One day you will look back and realize "these were the good ol' days"... treasure them ((hugs))
Flo - my heart identifies with you. Yes, I am still able to RV, but not like we had dreamed. I doubt I will be able to, but I want to trade in this motorhome for a smaller one and travel and work. Of course, a lot depends on how long he lives and my finances at the time. But, I guess I can half way dream.
Charlotte - gas prices must give you heart failure these days. I paid $75. to fill up our pickup last week. it would be more this week here in middle Tenn. (Our son borrowed the truck for a trip he was being paid expenses on and returned it filled) I'm driving the truck now instead of car to use up the gas.
Bob Your post hit it right on. I know that after she passed I was left with a lot of different emotions and felt guilty over some of them. The empty space left from her passing was offset by the relief that she was no longer suffering and the guilt due to relief was very difficult to deal with, but slowly God made me aware that it was her time to go and that helped me to accept it. Now I am picking up the pieces of my life and following His guidance. It is not a smooth trip but every day the burden becomes less. Now I find myself even have enjoyment most days and less bad days. Time does heal all wounds if you let the love in your heart come out and give it away to others who are hurting. That in itself is part of the healing you go through. God bless your journey forward. Bruce D *