In Jeff's saner moments, I try to sneak in comments like "The place we're going to stay while we're getting work done on the house is going to be more of a community. That's good, because I like having people around." He agrees, "I do too."
In his less sane moments, I just count the days. Yesterday was an excellent case in point for my two daughters who don't live here but happened to be home for the weekend. Jeff rambled pretty much all day. He picked the cat up upside down (making her shriek) because he "had to check if the cat was Rick Steves." (In his mind, the purveyor of all things shoddy.) He read lengthy "Googles" from his pants legs aloud that went something like this: "Little girls are born with vaginas, and little boys have testosterone, and then it switches, and then little girls grow up, and then it switches again, and that's the way nature made it..." (now, extend this for another 15 minutes with slight variations in word order.) He stood outside with daughter Rachel and me, chuckling and glowering at us suspiciously, determined that one or the other of us HAD to be Julianne Crough, his childhood nemesis, and we just weren't letting on.
He told me that the state police had extensive files on all his old girlfriends. He told all of us that we had won new white station wagons and that they were being delivered now, whereupon he headed outside repeatedly to check on that. Etc. It was the kind of day where, at the end, you just look at the people who didn't know how bad it had gotten and say "any questions?"
Such a strange disease. Here I was thinking (around December,) that Jeff was slowing down, becoming more sedentary while remaining orientable and willing to cooperate. Now it's as if the illness has divorced him from reality while stimulating new sources of determination and energy.
Sometimes I think "the ALF won't be expecting him to be this crazy," and sometimes I think "the ALF will think he's too normal." Although the second case is becoming more rare. Above all, I'm worried about how he will perceive it.
Emily, My DH wants to "Get away from this place". I wonder how he will feel when he is placed. He is also getting worse and it seem to be accelerating so I know how you feel. I pray placement will go well for us and our DH's. He talks as if he will go as soon as I find a nice place but I am sure there are somethings to be settled first.
If one loves their spouse, I would say placement anxiety is normal. Maybe this will help--suppose Jeff had another disease, something physically debilitating and living at home just wouldn't be a good option (let's say he needed help transferring, for example, and it required several people). I think most of us would have an easier time, emotionally, accepting that the spouse had to live in a facility. But when it's a brain disease, we keep telling ourselves "I can manage a little longer", which can turn into months, then years. It's difficult to process that someone with a brain disease, especially before it has affected their mobility, could require placement as strongly as a patient like the example I gave above. What finally did it for me was that I realized Steve needed to be observed by medical personnel 24/7--it would improve his quality of life, and mine, as well. And it has.
Marilyn is exactly correct. Your ALF staff, through their training and med management, should be able to provide quality 24/7 care. I was surprized how quickly my spouse became comfortable and accepting of the ALF as her home. Yes, she wanted to wander the first few months...for a number of mostly bizarre reasons.. but that is no longer the case.
Emily, my husband wanted our daughter to take him to California where he was to accept a million dollar prize for mathematical excellence at CalTech, and he'd show her his high school too. This went on for weeks and weeks. Kept looking for the notice in the mail!! You might as well laugh... crying is too draining!
My DH has been in care for almost three years now and it's hard for me to process how quickly the time has passed. He is safer and so am I. He doesn't know me any more but he seems ok to see me when I visit. I am often asked about the stories he tells the staff .. so, He was an engineer? (NOT, the man could not screw in a lightbulb!!) He has had several new careers since Alz! The most important thing since I placed him is that I have been at peace. I know now that I waited too long and had a truly unreasonable idea that I would always be able to care for him. What was I thinking? It takes three people to shower him -- and that is after the meds! You will both adjust -- with time. I'll be thinking of you, Emily.
Emily, what I like about your situation is that you have a mindset that this is a trial. I am hoping with that thought in mind you wont do the things we do to torture ourselves before placement. For example, every single thing that Lynn did for the last few days at home, I always thought, this is the last time he will do that. EVEN the things that drove me batty, just about destroyed me thinking about him not doing it at home any more.
I posted here 3 years ago, the night before I was to place him, that it felt like when one has to bring their beloved pet to be put down. You know it is the kindest thing to do for them, but you torture yourself over and over and over again.... I was my own worst enemy. You were here, so you know how devastating Lynn's transition was, BUT, he DID transition well. As much as I still do wish him to be home, he is where he needs to be and he is doing wonderful!
What helped me the most was to repeat to myself over and over that I had to love Lynn enough to do what was best for him. He needed more care than I could possibly provide and I needed to know he was safe. The wandering, the fires started, etc etc, good Lord I could get another ulcer just thinking back on those times. Yes Maggie, I have peace.... and Lynn does too.
The stimulation alone is something I couldn't offer at home, even though I did try. I can see where Jeff could actually thrive in such a setting. And you dear Emily will be able to rest knowing he is safe and getting the best care possible. When you visit, you can enjoy your time with him as "just his wife", not his nursemaid, his babysitter etc etc.
I know you are nervous about how he is going to accept it.. and I also know you must be hurting something fierce. It is so difficult.. you have been in my thoughts so often this past week. I continue to pray for a smooth transition for both you and Jeff. ((hugs))