i was at the mall with my husband and like always he would go to the radio shack and i would go to what dept i wanted to go , i would always say at this time you meet me back at the food court okay . well we got at the mall about 730pm and i told him to meet me at 800pm . well 10mins later he call my cell and said he is at the food court i said to him we have only been here 10mins i knew something was wrong so went to crying in the shoe dept. so i show up at food court and we went to the car and leave , he started crying i asked what was wrong he said he felt along in the mall and losed he didnt nobody and he wish his dogs was there . does this mean he is declining? i guess for now on when we leave our hometown i will have to be with him all times. i feel along and no life no sex life and i am tired of picking up all of the pieces that are falling around me . and i just want to me have a life again please help me !!! i have meet this guy been seeing him about 5 months and i have not seen him about 5 days everytime i ask him when can we meet again its always i am busy or i got something to do. well i asked today if we meet after he got off work and get a bite to eat he said yes , well when i got there and parked i saw a lady name shelly park beside me i though what is she doing here. well here comes mike who i though would walk me to the door well he didnt.so i went inside i said you didnt see my car ,he said i was looking for shelly , so i said i thought we were going to spend sometime togethier , i asked what was she was doing here he said well its my avs i said what avs i have been with va a year . i proceed to ask when are we going to have time togetheir he said i dont know, so your saying you dont have time for me i dont remenber if his answer was yes or no . so why dont you go on ahead and say you dont want me in your life , and he said ok i dont want you in my life now is that what you want me to say. so i told him it was over walk out . and left him a text and i told him that he really hurt sombody who loves him and cares for him he says he has feelings for me i feel like im getting brush off. and now i feel hurt empty and lonly he made me fell alive again and i could handle the fact i had to take of m y husband . now i am lonly again and theres a hole in my heart cause he fill that . he has been dirovce 12 years was married 8 years and he found out she was running around on him so he was burnt and has a hard time showing his fellings and he knows about my husband and i told m how i feel about him and how he makes me feel alive . but i felt like i was set up today but i could be wrong to or maybe i over reacted . i told m i had enough pain and hurt at home to deal with and i didnt want him to string me along cause it hurts me to much. so i dont know now what i am going to do cause i am empty without him and i just want to be loved again . so when this happen at the mall with my husband i just fell apart and felt like i had nobody i wanted to disappear from all the pain i endure . i miss m really bad i want him to want me and i know it sounds bad because i am married but hes not a partner just a best friend and his nurse caregiver we go to bed he hugs me for about 3mins and tells me he loves me and thanks me for being there for him and gives me a kiss he rolls over then i roll over he also tells me that i am pretty. he gos to sleep. so theres my story and i sticking to it, i thought i would put that in there it sounded good. if you can figure me out let me no i need help!!!
Yes, I'm sorry to say that the beginning of AD is about a lot of things, but losing your formerly close relationship is almost always one of them. I really wish we had an aspirin for that, but we don't. We just have talk, here.
Sarahlyn, you are not alone on this journey....all of us here have or are experiencing many of the same feelings you are. There have been several discussions on this site regarding relationships outside of marriage when you have a spouse with AD. I can't really offer any advice on that situation except that cargiving for a spouse with dementia has many challenges and can become a very lonely experience as we watch helplessly as our loved one disappears and is no longer our lover but someone who depends on us for everything.
Regarding the situation at the mall, it sounds like you can no longer let him be alone in the mall anymore-it is not safe for him. I know you don't want to hear this but I would also say that the time has come that he can no longer be left alone anywhere without supervision-even at home.
sarahlyn - Sorry this man hurt you, no one deserves it. For most of us the sex and intimacy ended long before diagnosis. For me it ended at least 15 years ago. Oh, we tried but he could not maintain an erection. I beat myself up for years taking the blame for it. With AD it now makes sense. Evidently that is an area that got hit first, long before other symptoms showed up. Feel fortunate you get words of love from him as I can't remember the last time I heard that from him. Or thank you for taking care of him. He is 4 years into the diagnosis and still pretty high functioning although he can't work, can't be my handyman anymore, wants to go everywhere with me - likes me in his sight. Even though he is high functioning I will not go leave him alone. His dad and sister were 'runners' and could disappear in a second. My greatest fear is that he will get lost, be scared, start crying and forget how to call me on the phone.
As for a partner outside of the marriage we all have to make that for ourselves. I have thought about it but the added emotional stress of guilt and sneaking around would be too much for me at this time. For you, only you can decide.
sarahlynn--I agree with LFL that you may need to arrange supervision for your husband at all times. It is a tough pill to swallow, but safety and reducing anxiety for a dementia patient is paramount.
I personally felt that I needed to resolve (accept) my husband's situation before I could even begin to think of starting another relationship. While he was living in the home, that simply wasn't possible for me because the role of full-time caregiver was all-encompassing emotionally. Each of us has to think it through and make this decision for ourselves.
Sarahlyn, you sound like a confused little girl. I think you need to talk to a professional counsellor. We are all Alzheimer's spouses and devoted to our mates who are afflicted. You need to make a list of the important things in your life and decide where your poor husband fits in. Intimacy has ended for a lot of us, but we stay with our loved ones because it is all about love...not sexual gratification. My apologies to anyone that I may have offended, but I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. Sorry.
Day after xxxx day we all do the best we can in caring for our loved ones and are left broken- hearted, discouraged and exhausted. Next morning, guess what, more of the same. No help and no respite. Where does one find the strength to keep on keeping on? In many cases one can find oneself abandoned and without any support. It's a very individual decision of course and not acceptable to some but I personally would not want to lay any guilt on anyone looking for intimacy. I don't think this necessarily means one does not love ones spouse. To me Just being there caring for a loved one is proof enough of love and devotion. I,m not advocating intimacy outside of marriage and respect the opinions of others, but, lets face it, our ship has sunk and many are just looking for that floating spar to hang onto to keep from going down. Anyone surprised we haven't heard much about others turning to drugs and alcohol? Maybe they're just too ruined to get to this site.
Me too, my apologies if I've offended anyone and I write in the spirit of caring for all of you out there. Thanks for allowing me to vent. It's been a couple of tough days.
On this site, we don't talk politics or religion. But just this once I hope Joan will indulge me a little.
At Mass last night the gospel was about Jesus bringing Lazarus back to life. After Jesus had done this, he left it to those who witnessed this event, the task of untying Lazarus from the burial garments. Then the priest went on to give his sermon around this and he touched on all sorts of scenarios...and he was there for a program called Feed the Poor...and of course donations are always sought. But he went on to say that it is often that we find our own Lazarus moments close to home...helping a neighbor, taking care of someone who is ill, and many other examples..and as he talked I thought if only he knew who some in the assembly are that he is speaking to..there were several of us ALZ spice there and we know how hard the journey is in caring for one who has this illness...but the whole point of the story, from Jesus who loved Lazarus and brought him back to life, to the people who removed the burial cloths out of love for Lazarus, so to do we care for our spices..out of love....and there are some here who have spices that are not always nice or easy and have in the "well days" treated some very badly yet they take up the mission, when all is said and done, out of love and a sense of responsibility and as part of the marriage vows...the in sickness and in health part. Doing this honors our loved one, honors our vows, and in the end brings honor to us too. Now none of us are perfect and our halos do get tarnished and sometime a bit dented too..but we keep on trying. It does not mean we don't have human feelings and are unaware of them but somehow we have found a way to put things in perspective and we find love in their eyes, or smile, a hug, until they can't do that anymore.
There is not one among us who does not want our lives back the way they were, once upon a time. But that is not going to happen and we have to cowboy up and do what needs doing and get help when we can...soldier on...
She is probably doing better, I hope so. It was not easy for someone who was so depressed and confused as Sarahlynn seemed to be to come here and pour her heart out. She probably felt this was a place where no one would really know who she was and maybe she could get help both with her personal life and her need to understand what is needed to care for her dh. Unless one has been so emotional torned in their life it is maybe difficult to understand how she could express herself to strangers....she needed help and I think she got some help here...I certainly hope so and I hope she returns and can get information she will need to continue the road her dh is on. There is no better place for help then here.