This morning DH and I talked about him trying an ALF. He knows he is getting worse and he is willing to try one. I am waiting for more information from two local ones and will check them out once I have the information. There is another local one I haven't requested information yet, I don't want to overload myself. Please pray or cross your fingers that I can find a GOOD one and one that I don't have to furnish!
Wow Jean...if you get him to agree with you that this is a good step, as opposed to the slight subterfuge method most people seem to have to use, that will be a good thing. Good luck with the search. I was scheduled to visit one this morning, but the director called me from PA, where she was handling an issue with her mother, and our tour is postponed until Saturday. Not terrible in the scheme of things, but I'm very anxious in this process, and even a 2 day delay leaves me feeling very unsettled.
Jean21, Prayers coming your way. You are fortunate that your DH is aware of his condition & is willing to work with you on this issue. My DH never thought anything was wrong with him in the first place so I will be one of the people who will only place him when I can no longer take care of him & he isn’t aware of his surroundings or who I am.
If DH didn't have hallucinations and paranoia I could MAYBE handle things better! Lately he has been paranoid about other men and me. Lord knows who would want to hit on a 72 year old woman! He used to think he was okay so I guess he realized things weren't as they should be.
At NH's around here - at least ones I contacted - you didn't have to have an appointment (tho' you could make one); could come anytime and someone was available to visit w/you and show the facility, answer questions. I liked that because I didn't feel like they'd done special "housecleaning" for my visit. (As I do if I'm expecting company:) )
Zibby, I prefer to have an appointment for the first visit and then I can check again anytime and see if there are any differences. I too used to really clean my house if I was expecting company but that is just one other thing that has gone by the wayside.
Jean21, I hope it all goes well with your visits and that he will continue to be positive. I think it's a good idea to make an appointment for first visit - then just drop in later.
When I was beginning my search for ALF's, I contacted "A Place for Mom"..they have a web site..you are connected to a local person that will answer questions, send you information and arrange for tours. No charge and very helpful.
Thanks Tom, I checked the site and filled in name etc. Before I got off the computer my phone rang! I now have 4 places to check and have requested a tour for next Wednesday so I have to wait for an email to confirm. Once I check this place I will check the others and hope I find something. Thanks again.
I am one who will, at least in the future as far as I can tell, need GREAT subterfuge, if even that would work, to get H to go to ALF.
tom, that was an interesting resource and I am glad it was valuable. I did a local search and found references to sites I had heard of, including those I visited. No prices listed, at least for my locale. Were you able to get prices from the website?
Hi Abby. A Place for Mom acts more as a resource to assist you in identifying possible ALF options in your area and arranging for tours. The costs for the ALF's vary widely and are dependent on the care level needed and the ALF's business model, i.e, only private pay, Medicaid accepted, etc. There is no cost to you for using the service and A Place for Mom may have some ALF cost information available but I found those details were discussed as part of the ALF tour.
I need yout prayers and crossed fingers again! From what DH has said a couple of times I think he might be back pedaling. I went to see the second ALF this morning it's a lot nicer than the first one. Wednesday morning I go to the third one and depending how that one is the decision will be between it and this mornings. Pray like you've never prayed before and cross your fingers until they hurt!
Good luck Jean. Daughter and I had pretty good feelings about everything at the one we picked right from the time the visit started, and red flags (at least as a fit for our needs) with the others. It's a scary ride on which you shift from feeling hopeful to feeling awful and back again, many times over.
Will be praying, Jean21, and remember it's not just the physical plant you're looking at. Most important are the direct care staff in my opinion. In our case, I don't care for the admin. director AT ALL; feeling is mutual, I think. But, the attention and care my hb receives is great. He had a week's respite at a new, physically nice facility 2 years ago, and I wasn't so impressed w/care. Of course, you can't really tell about direct care until he receives it. Care center he's in now was probably built in the '70s or 80s; so not all the fancy amenities new facilities have like living rooms, an office, a library, small nursery cove--these are for residents so they'll fell "at home." I didn't observe anyone using them. They gathered in the area that had a TV and homey, comfy chairs and decor.
Jean, I will be thinking of you. I do agree with Zibby on care verses the look of a place. You can tell a lot about a facility by simply taking note of how the other residents are groomed and stimulated. Hoping you find the perfect place for your DH, and that he still wants go. ((hugs))
It isn't the looks of the place I am worried about, it's DH changing his mind about going. The one I checked yesterday is bright and cheerful, residents walking around smiling or sitting reading. The woman showing me around knew the names of people along the way and she answered all my questions.
jean i hope it goes smoothly for you. stay positive and be sure to tell him that you will come regularly to take him out. etc. i think many of the times they are frightened to be separated from the security blanket-you. tell him evrything you think he may need to hear along the way. good luck!
Okay folks, I Think you can stop praying and uncross your fingers. I took DH this morning to the ALF and he likes it! Of course he chose the biggest room which costs more but thats okay. I have to take him Monday morning to our PCP for a TB skin test and have the doctor fill out some papers. I don't know how long it will take after that but at least we are getting somewhere. I thank all of you for your prayers, well wishes and last but not least your crossed fingers.
Jean, just reading through these comments - hope it all works out well for you. It will be a while (I think!) before Dan is ready for that, but when the time comes, I'm sure there will be hell to pay. As it stands now, he WILL NOT be one to go quietly, unless there's a dramatic change. He's not mellowing, just becoming more stubborn & at times mean, which was NOT like him at all. I'm sure I'll be reading more & more on this blog - a godsend.
Well I am back in desperate need of prayers and crossed fingers. In a nut shell DH refused to go to the ALF this morning. He thought it was me who was going and when I told him it was him he said there is nothing wrong with him. AAAAAAAAAArgh. I flat told him he has Alz. and doesn't know half the things he does. The way it stands right now he has said he will go tomorrow. If he doesn't I may have a hissy fit.
Just a suggestion, because I have no actual experience with your situation. But, this is the way I might handle the problem. I would tell a fiblet and tell him that he has to go and you will be going too as soon as you get things done at your home and other business items taken care of. But, for now he has to go so you can get these things done and do alot of running around etc., etc., and this is the way we are going to have to do it.
With my dh, he would believe what I am saying and then within a few minutes he probably would forget most of what I said. Meanwhile, I would prayer that he adjust to his new situation.
Another suggestion Jean-could a third person drive your husband to his new home. It's going to need a huge fiblet so perhaps some here can come up with ideas for you.
Jean21--clearly, the truth isn't going to convince your husband to go. I told my husband the geripsych ward was a hotel and I was going out of town to a women's conference. We used to travel a lot, so I thought a hotel would be appealing and it worked. The idea is to get the emphasis off of something being wrong with HIM, it is another circumstance that caused the need for him to stay there. Can you think of something that is an echo of the past?
bluedaze*, there is no third person and never has been it has always been me. Marilyn I haven't worked since we married so I can't tell him I am going out of town on business. I don't know what will happen tomorrow and I don't know what to tell him if he starts backing off again.
Jean--can you tell him a relative or friend needs your help for a few days? You are going to a spa with some girlfriends (that's why I picked the women's conference, even with dementia he could understand men couldn't go). Your house is being fumigated? Vickie's idea about the tests? You are having a facelift? :) Pres Obama has invited you to the White House? (Can you tell that therapeutic fibbing is my hobby?)
Okay ladies, I really do appreciate your suggestions but the only one that might work is Vickies. My relative is in Scotland, his sister is in an Alz facility in Ohio and there are no girl friends or spa in the picture. I will just have to play it by ear tomorrow and see what happens. If you hear a long drawn out scream it will be me and you will know why!
Tell him you forgot some of the papers you needed to be admitted and you have to go and get them at home and will be back later. Tell him you think you forgot to turn off the gas. If his memory is really bad he won't remember what you told him for 15 mins. so almost any fiblet will work.
Jean I am so sorry, I had been praying and hoping today would go smoothly for you. I didn't tell Lynn he was going, he thought we were going for lunch. He refused to stay when we told him this was his new home. I have LG, so he did have to stay. Wasn't easy! Make sure you have an order for meds on hand. Though not sure an ALF is able or willing to handle a resident who was pissed at being there.
Finally the only way I convinced him to stay was to tell him I needed to stay for testing and would he please stay with me. He said of course he would, but for only ONE day. We did this one day bit over and over for the first 3 months.
Think about your DH and what would possibly work best for him. Wishing you better luck tomorrow and keeping you in my thoughts ((hugs))