Noahcam-cute idea I HAVE a little shadow that goes in and out with me, And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow— 5 Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India-rubber ball, And he sometimes gets so little that there’s none of him at all.
He hasn’t got a notion of how children ought to play, And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way. 10 He stays so close beside me, he’s a coward you can see; I’d think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up, I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup; But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head, 15 Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
Dh even shadows me around town. When I'm gone to the hairdressers he'll cycle over if he thinks it's taking too long (almost always). They know him (he gets his hair cut there too) and invite him in and give him a cup of coffee and a magazine. He sits there and stares at me. Other places, he'll just check to see if my bike is standing outside, but won't dare to come in. Sometimes he says he's been there three times looking for me.
He'll also come into the dentist's waiting room to wait for me to be done. Once not long ago I had an implant and the dentist did it on a Saturday morning. I was the only patient so they locked the street door when we went upstairs. Dh says he rang the doorbell repeatedly but no one answered. He was really worried that day, although I had explained that I'd be gone for quite a while.
After re-reading this thread I'm convinced what DH does that drives me crazy is his version of shadowing. For over a year he's always asking "is that you" when I come in the door. Since there has only been the two of us living in this house for 9 years I was annoyed by the question, thinking "well, who on earth would you THINK???" Then he started locking the door from house to garage -- something we have never done. Then when he would come into the house from smoking in the garage he would call "are you in the office"? Well, we live in what can best be described as a very large Texas cabin where one can see the entire large kitchen, dining, living area, so where else would I be if he cannot readily see me???
The dawning moment came when we recently had an escaped prisoner from the next county (being held on charges of a home invasion/beating of older couple) and DH freaked. I finally understood the fear.
He won't (can't?) verbalize any such fears -- part of the not being aware I think -- but his actions reveal so much. They are on the level of a child.
As we were leaving for lunch the day we learned that the escapee broke into a nearby residence, DH asked me to leave my bedroom door open (I usually close it so Goldens don't plop on my bed) so the dogs could go in there if the guy broke in. Awwww (as Dear Divvi would say) he was thinking as a child -- what to do if somebody broke in -- run and hide.
Sooooo much more patience I must acquire and so much more to learn -- and soooo tired of it all....
Weejun, that IS scary, to have an escaped convict in the neighborhood.
I find it helps me cope when I understand how frightened he is. Dh has been locking things too. (But often forgets to do the most important locking up.) He keeps closing our security gate in the daytime. And I have always told people: if the gate is open, we're at home, come on in.
I've quit saying anything about it. I just reopen it when he's not watching and he often does not even notice.
I totally get this - my husband is sitting right by my side this very minute - I have been to the grocery store and he has shown up looking for me - he checked two stores to see where my car was - I feel like I have a giant 200 pound body gaurd with me all the time because he doesn't speak much at all
This may sound odd, but anytime we'd visit a precious aunt decades ago, the tradition was to sing out "Whooo Hoooo"... and she'd answer with her "whooo hooooo" .... She knew who walked in,..and we'd know where she was. My girls do this now when they come into my home...and I've started saying it when I'm back in from the grocery store, etc., to let my husband (who is in his recliner around the corner from the back door) know I've returned. One could just say "Helloooooooo" when they come in.... and our DH's will know it's us.
Unless you're married to mine, who is deaf as a post...and refuses to wear his new hearing aids. They look different from the ones he lost twice and crammed into his nostril once. He says the bigger, new ones, "...are not mine!". No reason button, no explanation will do....They're going back to the doctor for $$ credit.. :-)
My post, directly above, reminded me of the day when no one EVER locked their doors, and family would walk in to the house without waiting at the door after knocking first. Never considered it was a rude thing to do. My oh my, how times have changed.
I remember once we wanted to go on vacation but were an hour late getting away because my Mom and Dad could not find any key to lock the house. (They only locked it when we were going on vacation.)
I'm so happy I found this thread again. All of a sudden today, he's following me around. He's never up in the morning, but today he kept getting up, he didn't know where I was (having coffee watching the news in the kitchen).... then he was looking for me, out with the dog, it's creepy, so it's always good to know it's part of the process. Hopefully, it won't last.
i knew i was looking AD in the face the first time i turned around and bumped into Dh. he would be sooo close i nearly bumped noses -it went on for quite some time the shadowing bit. it can make you quite anxious if they are really clingy so be calm and try to understand why they do it. it will help. mine was a peeper later, would creep around peeing at me around the corners with binoculars no less! haha funny now, not then! divvi
what can i say?? i wont even try to correct that typo!!! its right on target with me. hah... yep i meant peeping---- i write pee so much - well................ you know.
gosh darnit, DH uses his depends now instead so the peeing all over the house is for past memories:) i cant say i miss all the cleaning up- but the exchange of course is at a cost to him.. divvi
I AM learning so much from you all... My DH has been, for the last year, mounting the stairs, which is hard for him, then he yells from room to room, "ARE you in here"? When I answer from whatever room and ask what he needs...Nothing, says he just wants to know where I am... With that done, he goes back to his chair for talk shows and napping... IS this shadowing of sorts? An irritating stage and I delude myself sometimes, not realizing that this too, is another stage....Just when I thought I'd reached expert level, life throws me another one...
Mine has been doing this, too. He doesn't come up close to me but he has to always know where I am. I try not to let it irritate me. In a way, it's kind of nice to know he's thinking about me, because he spends a lot of time alone, seems to like that. But, when I'm at the end of a TV show, talking on the telephone, or reading, and he calls me and wants me to answer, that DOES get irritating. Right now it's 12:45 pm and he hasn't, and won't come, down for his "brunch."
They shadow because they are afraid. Many years ago I heard dementia described as waking up in a strange country every day and not knowing where anything is and not understanding the language.
You're right, bluedaze. I can see him looking so confused when he tries to follow a storyline. Sometimes we'll be talking and he interrupts and asks me to explain something I said and then forgets what the conversation was about. This past week has shown a big decline in his memory. He doesn't even like to watch TV because he can't follow a storyline anymore.
bluedaze, you hit the nail on the head with your post. My DH wants me to be with him all the time, hence the need to cuddle again ((((smile))) and his desire to move back home. He is very confused for a few minutes after waking each morning and after naps.
Prayers for patience for all... My DH gets up at 5 AM, sits in his room , fuming til he hears nothing from my room, then storms in and announces that HE is ready to go and that HE has been waiting forever.. I do all the driving, Thank God... I know he misses that but I do get him everywhere he wants to go with comments that he never gets to go anywhere... Can't win... Cheer up, dear friends,, there IS tomorrow....
if you are lucky then the shadowing will be from the 'stairs' or 'calling out' for you to know where you are.(Grin)
you are their security blanket now and forever. even in late stages my DH will look for me in the room. its the shadowing that where you bump into them at every turn that will come to drive you bonkers. literally on your heels 24/7
- we must not forget the anguish they must feel to make them do these things. once you come to terms that its not to get on our nerves they do this, but for insecurity issues it tends to make it easier to tolerate. not easy but tolerable. divvi
I was wondering what stage most of you went through shadowing. My DH is late stage 6 and has begun this. Drives me bananas. That and asking the same questions about where to put this piece of paper or that envelope over and over. No down time at all!!!!! Did it last long?
phil since most of us enter and exit the stages or even overlap some with varying timelines, its hard to say when it starts. i think for us it started early stage 5ish and lasted a long time. as well as the pacing. and yes it is one of the most nervewracking times to try to get thru intact mentally. i brought up another earlier topic on shadowing for you.
I hate the shadowing-can not even take a bath on my own anymore.And sometimes I turn around and SMACK we hit head to head! How long does it last?I doubt any one knows for sure,probably different from person to person. My DH will stand on top of me when I am on the phone or reading the paper.and try moping the floor with him on you every minute!!!
bak i am very sympathetic to those of us who witness the extreme shadowing. yep bump into them when you turn around, i had to put a chair next to the bathtub for him to sit and wait. didnt even try to close him out of the toilet areas, the pulling on the door was a disaster if he was left out. and the worst he did was watch me 24/7 thru binoculars!! he would be sitting across the room and watch me like a hawk thru them. and when i 'd get onto him for being so clingy he'd start watching me from around the corners of doors. i called him a peeper. and omg that was the creepiest feeling ever. he walked around pacing with the binoculars around his neck. it was the most trying times for me i can say those times, so yes i can fully imagine what you all are going thru.
My husband stands directly behind me while I'm doing pretty much anything. He watches every move I make...drying and styling my hair, cooking, etc. It does get on your nerves but he's been doing this for about 2 years now, so I have learned to ignore alot of it. I do hate turning around and bumping into him though.
I didn't know there was a name for it, but I sure do know what it is like. Dozens of times he has startled to the point that I thought I would just drop dead from a heart attack. But many other times, I thought he was bored and wanted me to entertain him, change the TV program and such. I would often get up from whatever I was doing and give him a big hug as he was always looking for love and attention. I poured it on as thick as I could.
Unfortunately for me, I might have known more about shadowing if I had read any of the good books that are out there on Alzheimers. I bought at least a half dozen of them, but couldn't bring myself to read them. I'd get into it and then go to crying. What a mess I've been. But I'm still plugging away at it even though he is in an alzheimers facility. He shadows me there too, but I would have expected that he would follow me around when I'm there.
I'm sure glad he didn't have a pair of binoculars to play with. How creepy is that? Sorry divvi, but I'm having a good laugh at your expense. I know it's not funny, but just picturing it is a bit amusing.
The shadowing for my DH is obviously from his fear of me leaving him. I have an aide come 3 days a week for 4 hours while I go to Physical Therapy and run errands. The last few times he has met me as I drove up and threatened me saying that I should be arrested for not being there for him! He was livid each time and the aide said he would just slowly work up into a fit. WHen I would get him calmed down he would say that he was afraid he was going to lose me and that he loved me. Then 2 minutes later something will set him off again. The only time he is calm is in the car so we continue to rack up the miles. My heart breaks for him but in the same breath I am ready to tear my hair out!
Today I went to see hubby and help change him. I had him home with me yesterday and we really enjoyed each others company. I had to give him a bath as he has been refusing them at the home. So we just generally had a nice afternoon listening to music, even danced a little and I poured on the love as much as I knew how.
Today he was totally different. He is always more out of it after a day of running around, so of course he doesn't get too many of them. Anyway, while I was there, a patient assitant came on duty and we met her as we were walking the halls. He just attached to her and followed her back to her duty station. When I caught up with her I said "he's shadowing you!" She said he does it constantly. Why am I laughing. I was pleased to hear it actually, but I think he really likes her. So I may be dumped for another woman. It sure doesn't matter at this point. Just kidding. I usually have a hard time leaving him when it's time for me to go because he will follow me right up to the door and try to come out. Sometimes I think his feelings are actually hurt that I'm leaving (I know for a fact) and other times he is just doing the shadowing thing because his favorite patient assistant isn't there. I'm just now learning this. We're in our 8th year of these fun and games.
Jeannie, my DH is doing the same thing. A few months ago I had to move him to another NH that is an hour away. So, I can't see him every day like I did. Since that time he has pulled away from me. He also has attached to a few of the nurses. After giving this a lot of thourht...I think it is because he now spends more time with them than with me. I also do not mind, and they are very kind to him.
Bak, I had to laugh when I read your post. I was sweeping the kitchen floor last night. I explained that I needed him to go into another room. I proceeded to sweep and slightly turned to get something I had missed. I ran right into him. It didn't matter how many times I asked him to go and sit....there he was.
My husband always walks behind me. If I slow down, he slows down. If I am doing dishes he is behind me. I ask him to stand to the side if he is walking behind me because I cannot keep turning around, it hurts my neck. I know we must look funny taking a walk, shopping, going into church with him trailing me. If I go upstairs, so does he. This has been going on for years.
hello. The "time" that completely scared me was...I was in the shower...all of a sudden, my sweet Johnny was around the sink area and I heard the hairdryer turn on. I turned off the shower...at that very moment! I think he was just getting it ready for me ( I,of course, always used it when I came out of the shower...) and jumped out of there. I could not trust the fact that he might 'forget' and toss it in with me. That moment still haunts me to this day. Love, Robyn
Yes Brady that would have been scary! I know sometimes they think they can help but when you are sitting on the toilet and they are sitting on the tub just watching you,it is a little too much.So I sat a chair just outside the door and said "please sit here for a few minutews"but that did not work he just kept knocking on the wall.Kindof hard to "concentrate" that way!
For you newbies--the reason they walk behind us is that their peripheral vision is affected and they can see us better if they walk behind. One way to solve that is to take their hand and they will walk beside you (and yes, that is easier on the neck)! Also, when they walk behind you, you run the risk of them being sidetracked by another woman of your general height and hair color, and they will start following her. This happened to me and I remember Emily posting that it happened to her too.
Like Divvi, I put a chair in the master bath where he could patiently sit while I bathed. I would always ask him if he wanted to "keep me company" since I knew darn well, he would be right there anyway. I found that moving a chair in the master bedroom to a spot where he also had a line of sight down the hallway helped--he didn't need to be right on top of me if he could still see me.
bluedaze I think it is fear of losing us.We had a caregiver today for a few hours and I went off into the other rooms to get some much needed paperwork done,but even though Paul was contient with her,he would still come look for me every once in a while.She said he said he just wanted to make sure I was aright. He even talked abit more to her today than he does most people.
This thread brought tears to my eyes. I had my wife cremated so she wouldn't be wandering throughout eternity trying to find me. He ashes remain with me.
It used to make me crazy when he was right behind me ALL the time. If I turned too quickly, I would bump into him. Then, one day, I realized what a compliment it was. As bad as his life had become, he only ever wanted to be with me. You can't beat that. Wish he was still doing it!!