New Realm, i hate to say this after all i wrote before probably way too much already said, but i think unless you find someone to come stay with DH you will find yourself excluded from family things like being with the grandaughter more and more. theres got to be someone you could hire or get to sit with him for awhile so you can visit without him making everyone uncomfortable? many places in larger cities do respite care in AD facilities or homehealth agency have caregivers for hire to give you time out. please lookinto a way out. divvi
Well if shadowing isnt bad enough, my DH today has started something new! hes gone from a lurker, to a peeper -found him watching me with his binoculars from across the room.divvi
I hate to say this--cause it's going to sound hurtful. But, if I had a small child and someone with AD was shadowing or lurking or peeking around, I'd be very nervous. The parent's first responsibility is to the child and if the parent feel uncomfortable, well, then, she'ss going to remove the child.
She may feel terrible for her MIL, or anyone else, but....that's what's going to happen.
So far, my DH hasn't done that. And our youngest grandsons are 10 & 12. So I don't have the problem. But, if I did, I think I would try and find someone to come in and play cards with DH or take him someplace so I could go visit the family.
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I truly am. If I caused you pain, please forgive me.
I'm happy to say that after my stepdaughter heard me speaking of my sadness that DIL and Granddaughter went to Calif to visit her sister after just a couple weeks here alone with us (after sons deployment) she began to realize how isolated and hurt I was becoming. It did however take a statement in jest for her to even consider that it might be a good time for her to visit her Dad, and do something special for me. She had other reasons for the getaway too (trouble with fiance' and questioning their relationship). But instead of wallowing in her own despair she called back and said she'd like to come give me a break. In 4 years this was the first time ever- EVER, that someone has volunteered to give me a break. She flew in on Saturday Oct. 12, and in the a.m. of the 13th I drove to meet DIL in Everrett, WA to see the return of my son's aircraft carrier. I stayed that night with them (Sunday) as they were getting keys to their new apartment the next day and wanted me to see it. It was short, but very special to me. I drove home Monday, and stepdaughter flew back to Calif on Tuesday.
THEN, on Wednesday the 15th (Oct) I had class number one of six. It is called "Powerful Tools for Caregivers." The facilitators lead discussions and workgroups, and supply a book called "The Caregiver Helpbook." Here's the biggy. Aside from my kids, we have NEVER, EVER had a caregiver/companion. Well, I learned of this class after contacting Senior Services Agency, part of Area Agency on Aging. They have a program of providing "UP TO" 15 hours per month of NO, or LOW cost in home companion/caregiver help. We qualified, (I applied about one month ago), and for the first time ever we had a really bubbly young lady spend 4 hours with DH so that I could attend the class. DH was on and off OK with this, especially after the social worker told him this was for ME, and not to belittle him. It was so that I wouldn't worry, could enjoy the classes (or whatever I'm doing), and be happy that he has someone to spend the time with.
The hours provided for the class are separate, and do not count against my 15 hours per month. So here I have this agency director asking me how I want to use those 15 hours, and believe it or not, I have been DUMBSTRUCK! Like, "WOW! I don't know what to do with myself." LOL
So glad you're getting some relief. The ones who come to take care of my husband - currently only one woman once a week, but last summer it was more - are well tolerated by him. In fact, he seems to really welcome them. I will add that every morning now he wakes up with a "well, good MORNING" to me, and I'm not at all sure he knows it's ME and not a CNA.. but I don't care!!
I would NEVER have thought he would approve of having someone, but the world's turned upside down for him and I am always surprised that something I never thought he'd want, or be interested in, suddenly becomes of interest. I might even see if he'd like to taste some CHOCOLATE! (for the 52 years of our marriage he has NEVER EATEN CHOCOLATE!)
My DH doesn't do much "shadowing" per se - but he does want to know where I am most of the time. He stays downstairs most of the day - and will play games on his laptop. If I go upstairs, I'll tell him and he's usually okay with this. Occasionally, he will call me - just to see if I'm still up here <grin>. This morning as we were having our coffee in bed, he told me how scared he is when he is away from me. First time this has been mentioned. But....we have always been together - first, worked together in our own business; always did things together, golf, travel, yard work, whatever. We have a few close friends with whom he is comfortable - but mainly, it's just US.
Vickie, that's very much like my husband and I ... except he has not ever said he's scared. He has such little awareness of his problems, I don't think he IS scared to be separated from me yet. But he does pop in to tell me about something he's seen on the TV, or to tell me to come look at pretty clouds or an interesting bird in the back yard, and I think that's his way of making sure I'm still there.
Sunshyne, I think you are right - he's making sure you are still there! I think this "scared" stuff with my husband is what caused us to have to cancel the trip south for my son's testing for transplants; and to see my Mom who had been in the hospital (now back in NH). He knew there would be some instances where we would be separated - and that terrifies him. By the way, my son finished his testing at Emory and said he felt it went pretty good. But his kidney function is still at 21% - which is good - but even if he is approved for transplants, he won't go on the list until his function is around 15%. If anyone else in my family gets "sick", I think I'll really go crazy. That would just mean my sister - who is advocate for my mother.
Vickie, I don't know how you stand the waiting and wondering... Aside from my husband, the only patient I'm caring for is our geriatric cat, and that's hard enough on my nervous system!
I really have learned a lot of patience over the past several years - not one of my attributes! Learned not to worry about things I have no control over (sure!) - most of the time. We have a Shih Tzu, Millie, and she and my husband were attacked this summer by a huge german shepherd-she was in the hospital 10 days and almost lost her - and it threw my hubby into a tailspin. Finally have them both "over" that, although I think Millie really needs a phychiatrist - or me!
Same here--pretty clouds, interesting things on tv. Who's car is that parked next door? asking me wha I'm doing in my office. when is dinner ready (30 minutes after we've eaten :)
We attended a family wedding in NJ over the weekend. We flew there from NC, had a car service, and met up with many family members over the weekend. At the reception, I moved around talking to different people. That upset him. I could see him trying to find me. So, I kept him close, as much as possible. Or he stayed close to me. At breakfast, I excused myself to go to the restroom and he said he would come with me. All went fairly well. At the airport, waiting for the plane, he said he had enjoyed himself. I asked if he had remembered everyone, as he seemed to at he wedding. He said, I don't remember them now. At lease he seemed to enjoy himself and all he lost was his hat.
shadowbaby CommentTime1 hour ago edit delete Shadowing just baffles me. Why do they do it, is it the reasoning part of the brain being affected? It doesn't make any sense to me and I wish I could figure out a way to make him stop doing it. I would appreciate any comments or suggestions.
briegull CommentTime1 hour ago edit delete Probably for the same reason a two year old does it - security! Many of us remember never having any privacy in the bathroom or shower when they were that age... Stop doing it? Wait! It seems to be a phase, a highly annoying phase whatever the reasons or age of the security-seeker. Maybe find him a blankie??
dean haywood CommentTime43 minutes ago edit delete Hello Shadowbaby:
I know what you mean and where you are coming from. Same situation, but, one of my biggest frustrations is that my wife will not stay away long enough for me to read the posts and make any comments on this web site. I just don't like for her to read any posts that I make. She is very suspiscous of everything I do anyhow and she has lost her sense of reasoning. I am tired of the question 'Are you writing to a woman'? Why? etc., etc. (I'm sure those of you that read this can fill in the remainig blanks)
Anyhow, I will be watching to see if anyone has a solution. By the way, she is in the shower now, but, that can't last long enough.
CommentAuthorDiane V CommentTime39 minutes ago edit delete Welcome Dean! Sorry you have to be here, but you've found the right place. I look forward to getting to know you! ~Di
divvi CommentTime25 minutes ago edited edit delete one of the most stressful times in our journey was the shadowing. ugh! i literally would turn around at any point during the 24hr and bump into DH he was that close. it was asfixiating. mine was also a peeper:) if he wasnt on my heels he would peep at me around any corner. spooky as hell. esp at dusk.. haha.. or in the bathroom; my poor DH was so insecure he'd have to go with me even into the 'loo'...at first its quite annoying but as others will tellyou as well you become tolerant and used to it i would say. it was the 'early' yrs he did this and now looking back i was quite inexperienced and only a 'privates' rank in the AD war. i doubt it would fase me at all now. you get pretty tough-skinned quickly in this war. its a self preservation tactic. :) i dont think there is any remedy to it, just suck it up and try to not let it get to you and remember they are very insecure and need to see the person who is most comforting to them. hopefull it wont last too long. give lots of hugs in between- divvi welcome Dean! and any other newcomers!
The ONLY reason I am able to post or read on this site is because I bought a laptop and we have wireless Internet. Right now we are sitting in our sunroom and my husband is 5 feet away from me. He's just sitting there, doesn't want the TV on, and I have been reading. When he asks what I'm doing online, I always say checking email. He's fine as long as he can see me right there near him.
Same here. I tell him that I read the news on line - and occasionally tell him a basketball score. Since he doesn't talk much, he just wants me close enough that he can see me. My other challenge is that I have a little dog exactly like him. I was in the bathtub, trying to relax with bubbles up to my chin...and there stood DH in the doorway and my little dog on his hind legs looking into the tub. Sometimes, you just have to laugh at the absurdity of it all.
My DH fell last thursday, and fractured his pelvis. so now he's using a wheelchair or a walker. I didn't leave him in the hospital, first because they wouldn't do anything for him anyway. I can give him pain piills as easily as they can. but mostly because I have to be in his sight or he gets frightened. he thinks I left. I'm his security, his safety, his whole life. Everything has disappeared except me. He sees the kids and grandies, and also our friends, but I am the constant. Insecureity and fear are the reasons for shadowing. someday he won't know who I am either, but right now, I know he needs me to be where he can see me.
Chris, my husband is the same way, except he has three of us living with him, and knows that my daughter and I go to work and his grandson stays with him when we are gone. There is always one of us with him. However, as soon as I come home from work, I get a hug and a kiss and he follows me around. I believe as you do that I am his security, his safety and the one he knows will take care of him and that I love him, even though he doesn't know my name or that I'm his wife. I'm so used to him being my shadow and it doesn't bother me. I'm just glad that he is comfortable with my leaving him with our daughter and/or grandson when I'm gone.
I mentioned his shadowing to a doctor in the study DH is in. He told me it is like a 2 year old following his mommy.DH will not leave a room unless I do first. One day when I was showering he was screaming, help me, help me. i thought he was hurt. I got out of the shower and asked him what was wrong. He said I could not find you. It does drive me crazy, but at the same time I feel so bad for him.
Don't know if I've mentioned this before--once I realized that my husband may be afraid to be alone, and that's why he shadows me, it became a lot easier for me to take. Somehow it's not annoying to me if I think it's motivated by fear.
I agree. Thinking that he is afraid (hard to believe, the man whom I used to lean on) lets me feel compassion instead of irritation when he is glued to my side.
Just wondering - with your spouses, did shadowing start slowly, a bit at a time at first, and then build up? I am asking because I noticed that if Sid and I are in a roomful of people (even if it's only 8 people), and I leave for a few minutes, when I come back, he's standing up looking for me, and asking me where I went. I was wondering if that's how it starts.
get ready joan, its started:(... if hes looking for you then he's insecure. best of luck, divvi
DH started like that if i stood up to do something he stood up like to follow me, i didnt think much of it -it does intensify with time. get prepared joan not quite as bad as the driving but when you turn around and they are on your heels its quite stressful. remember its cause he needs to see you! divvi
My DH does the same thing in a group of people. He doesn't shadow much at home - but does want to know where I am. If I'm upstairs and he's down - and if I stay for a long time, he'll start hollering and ask where I am. That's the insecurity. Has to know where I am all the time.
In their minds, if they can see us, all is right with their world. AD seems to take away the fact that they are losing their minds from them, as it takes away most of their pain for the most part; and their taste buds; and their sense of smell and touch. That is why they love a vibrating toothbrush. They FEEL the motion. Anything with motion that they can hold will work.
If I go to the bathroom, I tell my husband, so he won't follow me. I have about 5 minutes, then he comes if I'm not back. I learned that in the mornings, I take my book with me and say I'll be a while and he'll stay until I return! <grin>
Now as to shadowing, I think it is because we have become their anchor to reality. The only thing they can count on. And only because I've always gone to work and it is part of his routine, it doesn't upset him. He's fine until 30 mintues after I'm due home, then he stands at the back door and looks out the window until I get home. He's just like the dogs. He knows in his internal clock when I'm due! It is amazing!
I learned to not let the shadowing bother me, but it wasn't overnight. At first, he walked about 10-15 feet behind me in public, unless I held his hand. Now, I have to hold his hand, because he has grown weak.
It is amazing how much alike our spouses (spice) become at different stages. I'm so glad that we are all so open that we can discuss everything here to help each other!
People tell me that shadowing is a phase that will pass. I don't think that I can wait very much longer for that to happen before I become a basket case.
It still seems to me that you all handle these things better than I do. But, I am trying to get better.
I've been fortunate not to have to deal with much shadowing so far, but if I did I think I could handle it better than having to constantly keep track of where he is and what's he doing. He can slide out of the bedroom and be on the porch, out watering the tree, in the kitchen, the bathroom, out in the garage, in the basement--any time for any reason/or none. It would/will get really old, quickly, but I think him keeping track of me is/will be easier than what's happening now.
I had the most amazing thing happen the other evening. He fell asleep in front of the TV so I brought him to bed. It was about 9:45, not time for me yet, but he was so tired. Well, of course as soon as he was in bed, my DD called and we chatted a few minutes. She reminded me that 'design star' was on, so i went to the living room and watched the show... one hour, one room away, with the TV on. Ok, when it was over, i went into the bedroom, and he was still awake, in bed Seething. Where have you been, do you have any idea what time it is. i could hear you talking out there to some man.... blah blah blah. I got so angry, I started to cry... i was in the next room watching tv so I didn't wake you... are you talking to me? blah blah blah. so anyway, I took my pills and left the room. half hour later, out he came apologizing, All he knew was that I was angry at him, didn't remember why. Just wanted to say he was sorry. I told him why, but of course, he had no idea. the fact is, I wasn't in bed, and he got frightened, and then thought the worse (I guess the worse is that I would be chatting up some guy in the living room....LOL, in my PJ's) sometimes it's not easy to deal with, but we do our best. sometimes we get angry, frustrated, upset, but they don't know what they are doing to push our buttons. It's just a tough job, this caregiving. I Pray for patience.
I have a little shadow who goes in and out with me, I see him jump in bed before me, He is very like me from my head to my toes, And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.