Wedding Anniversaries have been mentioned in other threads recently (including mine). However, something just happened that has me wondering if I am doing the right thing. Tomorrow is our 59th and I have planned on not even mentioning to my DW. Last year, I told her about it with some happy thoughts and memories. She just looked at me and said 'Oh, thats nice'. For some reason, that deflated my day and I didn't enjoy any of the rest of it. And that is why I plan on not even mentioning it this year.
Well, my daughter just expressed her disappointment. Seems like she wants me to go to the NH and have dinner with Momma and celebrate like it was real to her. I don't want to do that this year, but, I am now worrying about whether or not I am doing the right thing.
Momma won't care, but, I don't want daughter feeling bad about it.
Please help me. What are you doing on your Wedding Anniversary?
dean maybe a quick trip to the NH with something like a chocolate or a card that sings? maybe that would be enough for DW to enjoy the moment without making your day a bust. i just go ab out my day thinking and remembering the good times and share something with DH that i know he will like, cake, icecream, or one of these musical cards. they seem to enjoy these. and I not to dwell too much on the what was part. and i want to be thankful for the time we have had together and the joys of a good marriage. divvi
dean-I just completed a very in depth seminar about end stage dementia. Don't assume there is nothing still going on in your poor wife's brain. The day is for both of you. Please don't ignore the day. Visit with no expections and perhaps you will see a glimmer. I hope so.
Dean, split the diference. Go for a visit and bring her a treat or card like divvi said. Then treat yourself the rest of the day. You'll be sharing the day with her, but in a way you each can enjoy it.
I agree, Dean, hold her hands,look deeply into her eyes and tell her you love her and you would marry her all over again.You will be your daughters hero and provide an example she will never forget. (then you can go home and cry)
I agree with Andy,three weeks ago as my LO lay on her death bed,I had stepped out of the room to run home an let the dog out,two daugthers were there an we knew she was close to leaving us,the girls started praying an then thought lets sing some hymns for her,neither one can sing but they tried,as they were singing LO made a noise as if to tell them either TY or please stop you can't sing,a few minutes later they called me as I was on my way back to hospice an said hurry dad Margie is waiting for you,I ran in the room an she had her eyes open an reached for my hand an took two deep breathes an she was gone,one of the girls is an RN an she said they were taught to be very careful what you say because even if they are laying there with no responce they can still hear whats going on around them,I know she knew me when I walked into the room,yes tell her you love her,I wish I had told her ten times a day.
I guess I am the odd man out. Dean, I think you should do what is best for you. And only you know what that is. I am in the very early stages with my DH, but I know it upsets him when he doesn’t remember things or understand things that are being discussed. Sometimes it upsets him a lot. I could imagine in the later stages I would not mention anniversaries, etc to avoid upsetting him. And there is no way to predict – the whole good days, bad days. As far as upsetting your daughter, you can’t please all of the people all of the time. If your DW won’t know the difference, and it would upset you, I think it’s a no-brainer – avoid the pain. By all means hold her and tell her you love her, as always - but no need to mention an anniversary to do that....
I agree with Mary22033, Dean, Celebrate in a fashion that makes you feel comfortable..If your darling wife does not recall the date, if at times she does not know you, you can still mark the day in a quiet way with her. Just bring her some flowers to enjoy or a nice lotion to use, take her to a little quite dinner spot if she can go out..but I would not have a party and a lot of fanfare. Do what is best for you and may put a little joy in her day without worrying about " does she get it" I no longer bring up events either..oh the biggies he will remember a little if there are enough ads on TV...otherwise no.. I understand what your daughter is doing in her wish for you to do something special to mark the day in a bigger way. She wants to find a way to hang on to "normal"..but unless she is with her mom often enough to understand there no longer is a "normal" anything it is a mechanism for her to deal with her trauma of the changes in her mom...Your daughter is well intentioned and will, at some point, figure it out...she really isn't ready to face things head on just yet..for her maybe it is a form of avoiding the eventual trauma of losing her mom and her whole world changing. Having lost my mom to this disease I can sort of understand her heartstrings. I think maybe you might take your daughter to lunch or dinner somewhere kind of quiet and try to explain some things to her, that your wife is now at a point where she does not now the difference between one day and the next and bringing this up may upset her..this disease is after all very unpredictable. Tell her you will always love and cherish her and do special things but these dates now are sad for you simply because your lovely wife and her darling mother is not the same person now and the would is very deep for you, that it actually haunts you to go all out for what once were joyful events you shared together....that the together isn't there anymore in sharing special events and that as we mark quietly the death of a loved one, grandmom, a special aunt or uncle of dear friend, this is kind of the same thing for you...what you once shared and enjoyed together is no longer possible and it is more comforting for you to mark the day doing a little something under the radar but special for your wife that is good and comfortable for both of you..she will enjoy some flowers and you will enjoy seeing her smile...but no longer can you go out to a big splashy dinner and dancing evening. Arms around...we all get it.
Fayebay, when I started reading this post, that was my exact thought!! I wholeheartedly believe even in late stage, even when we think they are not aware and nothing matters to them, it does.. a great deal! Just because they may not be able to talk or express themselves, doesn't mean they don't need to feel and experience our love, through our words, our touch.
However, I do agree that you need to do what is best for YOU Dean. While it is true that Lynn doesn't know our anniversary date, or even what it means, I do. This past anniversary I circled the nursing home for the longest time, I was caught between the need to be with him on our special day, and the need to protect myself from any more heartache.
I eventually did pull up my big girl panties and went in. No he of course didn't know it was our anniversary, but the smile on his face when he saw me was amazing. There was no cake, no gifts,.... but we held hands, watched some TV and exchanged words of love. When I told him it was our anniversary, he smiled and said we should get married again. awwwwww! Not our anniversaries of the past, but still spectacular. I am still so glad I did decide to go in.
Now Christmas, that was our favorite holiday. I still can't bring myself to go in to be with him. I go in on Christmas Eve, but on Christmas day, I stay home and lick my wounds. There is no right or wrong. It has to be what is best for you, as you are the one who will feel the emotions and carry the memory of the day.
I do however wish Lynn had even one child who gave a damn about any special day and wanted to spend it with him. How nice that your daughter wants to honor your special day with you! If you decide not to, I am sure she will understand.
Wow: Thanks to each and everyone of you for your feelings and suggestions on this subject. My purpose in writing was to avoid the hurt (or maybe letdown would be a better word) from trying to make a big deal, or celebration, of our anniversary last year. I felt like my enthusiasm was not shared and I left feeling kinda down and disappointed.
But, after sharing this with you folks, I decided to go see Mama and play it by ear. Without going into all of the details, I am glad that I did. It was a good day. Not like it used to be (nothing is) and she won't remember it tomorrow, but, it was uplifting and I'm glad.
Dean, if the kids are going to be there you may want to have a talk with them before hand and set some rules upfront. Let them know how you feel and what you want to do. Explain to them you want to keep it low key so has not to cause a lot of confussion they may upset your LO. I think the talking card is a great idea. I got one for kaathryn and see loves it even if she doesn't remember where it came from or who gave it to her. She walks aroound with that card opening and closing it and gives the biggest smile.