I was in the shed today, just trying to figure out what to do with all his tools.
It really hit me, how much I missed him despite his still being here. Those deep sobs from a well within.
I was lucky, D. was a great mate, and we had a good marriage , for this past 12 years. He had (has) such strong morals, never swore, dressed crisply and neatly in his cowboy like attire, and worked from sunup to sundown, a real go getter. This neighborhood had gorgeous evidence of his Hawaiian style rock walls.
The best bar-b-que anywhere, the rememberer of all birthdays and occasions. The father of many step kids and grand step kids that loved him like their own blood.
I imagine it hurts just as much even if a marriage was stressful, and not so happy, maybe for different reasons but still hurtful.
I say it all of the time - I miss him so much. For 36 years, we were so good together. We were best friends and lovers. We were each other's support system. The last 6 years have been a nightmare that won't quit. It just keeps getting worse. For at least 3 of those last six years, all I did was sob over the losses. It's what spurred me to start this website, as I knew only spouses could understand this type of pain.
Ditto here, Coco I was in his shop today....pre AD it would be a mess with sawdust everywhere.....now it sits eerily clean and tidy and quiet. I shut the door. Sigh...sad
Coco...we all feel your pain because most of us have the same pain. No matter how bad things have been in my life, I am the type of person who could always find something good to focus on. This journey has really stretched my efforts to find something good about this terrible condition.
Early today, I was thinking about how mellow my dh has become which I feel so blessed by this, but still could not think about what else seems to be making this journey easier for me and then it came to me. My dh is still doing this sleeping routine of 16 to 18+ hours a day. Because of all this sleeping, I think I am beginning to adjust to the quiet desperation of being alone. There is just my dog and the TV sounds most of the day and already I am facing most of my life alone. I am like a person trapped in the stillness of this life because I cannot leave him alone....in other words....I cannot live my life. We are all in the journey of a the long goodbye while trapped in our own unchosen fleeting life.
I, too, understand exactly how you feel, Coco. I go down to my DH's basement workshop and wonder what I'm going to do with all his tools and stuff. He could build or fix anything and had all the tools to do it with. In addition to his tools and machinery, he was/is the world's worst pack rat. I don't know the value of the tools and don't know which is junk. I wish he could have sorted all this out before he got sick. It's just so sad to know he'll never use those things again.
I have a garage full of stuff just like you said. When we moved almost 2 years ago, I begged him to go through things and have a yard sell to get rid of things...but, No.....nothing. That was his hateful period. So now it will be up to me to do all that work. My son-in-law will help me, but I dare not touch anything yet because he will start on the "who stole this or that" and I can't handle that again.
(((Coco))) those tearful moments do happen often. reminders of how things used to be and the times we took for granted -all gone now. i hope tomorrow is better
All I can add is Ditto here too Coco. We have a big brick shed full of tools and stuff...it's a mess right now, spider webs have taken over...everytime DH goes in there and pulls things out for 5 minutes, they stay out, and I'm not allowed in there..he's lost interest in everything. We seem to be fighting, argueing all the time, he's on the defensive all the time...it's my fault evertime he can't find anything Don't know how much longer I can do this..
I know. oh please know I know, that many of you have it so much harder than me, and for so much longer, and you love your spouses maybe even more.
divvi that is it, it is just a rough day. You know I have come so far since first joining here, stronger, more patient and so much more informed. I hope tomorrow is a better day too. I had weeks of good days, then, this started building up a few days ago, I could feel it coming.Trying to get over a flu with no one caring does not make it any easier.
funny how it just comes out of the blue. Remembering vividly how they used to be, the liveliness, the laughter, the thoughtfulness. What an awful pain it is, and oh Julia, those were my thoughts today, how how how can we do this, day in day out, and I only have been at it just over a year!
Thank you Joan, I have read every one of your posts, and am so grateful that you are so honest. How I wish for relief for all involved.
and I wanted to address the tool thing too. (per JudithKB) D has lots of really nice ones, so so many. I have tried to have some people, mainly men as they are in the know more than a lot of women...
to please help me go through them and take some for themselves, I am handy with smaller tools but as for large grinders, saws, chainsaws, I am just too tired to have to learn all that at this point. (my stuff is weed whacker, dremels, smaller things, mower)
No one would help. The guys try to consult with D. , they just don't accept he cannot make decisions. Then, when my "wonderful" friend was visiting with her husband a couple of months ago, when he offered to check it out, she said, "You need to clean out your own tools first"
This broke my heart, and I could not even say to her,"I asked for your help I am in desperate need. This is not about a "regular life" thing.
So I spent a couple of days re arranging and categorizing and throwing out what I thought was no good. And the tools sit there, when someone could be making use of them, I was GIVING them away.
Andy, I wish I could come and help you clean up the sawdust, and you could come help me.
Thank You - Thank You dear people for expressing your feelings on this subject. I feel the same as you do except I have a closet full of fine clothes, shoes, handbags, and some jewelry (not the real expensive jewelry - I think DW either hid it someplace or gave it away - Anyhow, it's gone). I want to (I am going to) give her clothes and stuff away even tho our children don't want me to. It reminds me to much of the past good times when I look at it.
Boy - She had a good time buying and wearing that stuff. Maybe some other lady can get some enjoyment out of it.
Dean, I have experienced the same. My wife had a lot of jewelry, most of which I gave her. Each piece brought back memories. I had our 3 kids go through them and take what they wanted. Then her clothes - most of her clothes she made herself because she felt she could do better on what she wanted than trying to find something in the stores. Again I asked our girls (our son was not interested in the clothes) to take what they wanted. Unfortunately, neither of them was her size - one too thin, the other too large ( I won't say fat) so they couldn't take much.
Oh How this thread hit home-I went to the garage today to get a hammer and there were 40 some years worth of tools to work on cars with and to work with wood .There are welders sitting there ready to repair what ever I broke. There are chainsaws waiting in the cornor for all trees that need trimming. And there is a ONCE loving-hardworking-man sitting in his chair -watching black and white ole time westerens and needing someone to take him to the bathroom and wipe his butt.WHY_WHY_WHY---I do not know of ANY other disease in this world that can destory a persons life so completely and still make them live with it.
For the ladies here: If any of your husbands are/were Masons (member of a Masonic Lodge) if you will contact his Lodge where you live and ask for help some of the Brothers there maybe able to come out and assist you (They have taken an obligation to assist another Masons family in any way they can).
I know my Lodge here in Jacksonville take this obligation very serious and have assisted many of our Brother's families / widows. If you need help getting hold of their Lodge you can email me and I will contact a Lodge in your area and have them call you.
Coco, I am sorry you are having a tough time. It hurts to lose someone we love so much. I am glad in the midst of the pain you are blessed with your memories of a wonderful life together. ((hugs))
As for the tools, Lynn was a master builder and plumber. WOW! The tools he had. I still have a lot to go through, but I donated many of the bigger items to local schools for their woodshop classes. They were all thankful, maybe this is something you can do?
I saved some of Lynn's most loved tools for my nephew Derek. They were close, and it is one of Derek's biggest regrets that Lynn wont be able to teach him "the tools of the trade". He says he inhered his love of building from Lynn and though Lynn wont be able to help him build his house as he promised... his tools will be there and he will think of him. awwwwwww!!!! I have saved some for when he is older, but have already gave him a few items. You would have thought I gave him the crown jewels the way he takes care of them. Warms my heart.
Most cities have a "Dress For Success" Chapter. They provide a nice outfit,free of charge, for abused, unemployed women to wear when they apply for a job. They give the women advice and encouragement, arrange to have their hair cut and styled and when they get the job, they help with a working wardrobe until they are able to buy more for themselves. A woman dressed for success achieves that success, because their self esteem is restored.
This would be a perfect place for your dear wife's clothes, handbags, shoes and other accessories. YOu cannot believe what a difference it makes in the lives of these women who have been led to believe they are worthless and may only have a pair of sweat pants to wear to job interviews. You can 'Google' Dress for Success and learn more about their program.
i would pick out the ones you want, then see if a second hand store would be interested. They can come out and give you a bid for the whole bunch.
My husband hauls around tools he will never use in the motorhome bays. If he would give them up, then I would have room to carry more useful stuff with us instead of storing it at one of my sisters.
The tools....in 2005 my DH had his triple bypass. Several months later, I wanted to get the garage cleaned up and get some order on the tool bench..so I suggested I set up a card table and chairs and we could go over these things of which I knew nothing about. He wouldn't do it...and I thought he was being stubborn..Oh I complained about it and talked to my GF about it and she said let it go, he will eventually do it. It is now7 years later...I had cleaned up as much as I could but left the work bench to itself...and in that time DH added to the mess of it. It now stands as he left it. When my bil was just here I told him I would need his help to sort it out and let me know what does what..I don't want to be toolless ( is that a word?) but I need to know what some of those things are for... It is haunting to look at photo albums, to look at the pictures of things he did or built, to think about the trips we did take that he does not recall...just haunting... I wonder if I am losing it too since I catch myself talking to myself these days...
It must be the winter? We all seem to be in the midst of remembering "the way it was". So many days I am so fed up with being trapped here taking care of him and not being free to go do what I want. Even though he is almost always a jewel, I'm still trapped. Then, I think of how much I will miss him (even the him of today) when he is no longer here and how difficult it will be to live here without him; even though I love this house. Oh boy, this is making me melancholy; I think I will go to bed now. You all are great friends and it's so important to be able to share this journey with those who know. THANK YOU ALL!
Dean Haywood, when my Mother passed away she was in Hospice. There was a young lady that came in and sang to her every night. My Father gave her three of my Mothers gowns. He donated more of her gowns and a lot of other stuff to the Hospice thrift shop. He wanted to do something more for my Mom one more time that would help others and assist Hospice at the same time. I believe it also made it easier for him to go though everything and feel good about having to remove my Mother's stuff.
Coco, your offer to help opened the floodgates that I have been trying to keep closed. So, now that I've had a good cry. I, too, have cycles where it is just hard, I don't know if it's hormones or the new moon or the tides and then I will come on here and read something (usually by Phranque or Nikki or Divvi, etc) and it will get me going again. So whether you write little or lots, you never know who you are going to touch on any given day! Thank you,all and thank you, Joan.....it helps!
I don't even want to remember what it was like before I started talking to everyone on here. I can tell you that I never feel alone anymore. You all are such a comfort to me. bak, that last comment hit the old nail right on the head!
It is not tools here, we have radios, lots and lots of radios. Most not worth much but some I am sure are worth something to someone. Also amateur radios. DH has been into ham radios for most of his life and a few days ago I was sitting near him when he tried to talk to someone. It was impossible to understand what he was talking about. So sad. I know that most of what he has now is not worth much but I want someone to get some enjoyment out of it. But it will stay and collect dust for now. I was able to clean out our shed of old junky items a while ago. It was to the point I could not get in it.
One thing that happened to me yesterday. I had to get new tires for the car. My mechanic is a good friend and someone we have known for 15 years. Along with is wife. She had stopped by the shop to do a bit of bookkeeping and they started to tease each other, you know the old fun stuff we all use to do. I almost lost it. I had not thought about something like that in so long. DH had been unable to understand teasing for so long now, I know now why of course. Just one more thing we have lost.
Anchor: Thank you for mentioning the Masons. I had totally forgotten about them assisting widows, etc. When my father died years ago I remember them helping my mother in several ways. My dh also is a long time Mason and I will be contacting them in the near future for some things I need done. Just another example how this site can bring things to the attention of others that don't know what is available or have just forgotten. Thank you again.
Andy, I agree it does seem to come in cycles. We have been dealing with this a long long time now, yet it still comes in cycles for me. I am not sure if there is any rhyme or reason to it? I think for me it is that one can only hold up the strong front for so long. I hold it together, then fall apart, and so the cycle continues. It is so much better than it use to be though. Partly because Lynn has found peace, and partly because I no longer try to pretend I am alright all the time.
It should hurt to lose someone who was the world to us. It isn't normal to try to pretend it doesn't. To my thinking, real strength is working through ones emotions and not hiding from them. I use to be a master at hiding what I was experiencing. Fat lot of good it did me! I ended up having many TIA's and when I placed Lynn, I completely fell apart. Completely. I often wonder if it wouldn't have been better to grieve each loss as it came instead of letting it build up until I couldn't take any more. But then, when you are in the midst of the hell, it is hard to find the emotional energy it takes to deal with such monumental losses.
I placed Lynn three years ago this past Friday. It still hurts deeply. But now I find though I get tears in my eyes often, I rarely actually cry. Being the emotional person I am, I really don’t understand it. I thought for sure I would fall apart on the anniversary, but nope I was fine. In fact, had a fantastic day with Lynn filled with laughter. Go figure!
Saturday we all helped my step Mom move. Almost 4 years after my Dad took his life she decided she could no longer live with the ghosts there. It was very difficult being in that house again. I spent so much time in that house and we had millions of happy wonderful times there! Yet, I couldn’t recall one. Not one. All I felt was the immense loss of my Dad. Yet, I didn’t fall apart. Not even a tear.
Ok, so I have grieved so long and so hard that I have finally reached a place of peace within myself. Or so I thought. I was sitting with the family in my step Mom’s living room enjoying the company and having a grand ol time. My step brother and his wife started ribbing each other, you know the kind of tit for tat joking only a loving couple can do. It had everyone in stitches. Except me. Seeing the exchange of shared secrets and banter between them hit me really hard. Before I had time to collect myself I was crying and had to excuse myself. Only my brother noticed. He sought me out… he didn’t say a word, he simply wrapped his arms around me. And that made me cry harder! It was a tough weekend…..
I often wonder if one can ever recover from such a loss. I tend to think not. I think Lynn will always be a part of me and I know I will always miss what we had. I think the key is allowing oneself to miss them, yet not allowing ourselves to drown in the pain. I find it far more pleasant to remember all the wonderful times we had together.
Oh Nikki....though your path has been so much longer than mine, what happened to me is a mini version of yours.
When I first joined this site, I was such a wreck!! Just sobbing and lonely and mad and all over the place, (losing my sister in July likely played a large part in that)
You ALL, help ME SO MUCH, like Linda said above, I concur.
SO, I calmed down, and for months was staunch and strong like an ox. Just matter of fact. Not mad at him, just loving him and taking excellent care.
Yesterday was the first time in at least 2 months that I cracked. It was really the first time I saw HIM AS BEFORE< funny how we lose sight after the long haul of caregiving.
You all are so wonderful. Andy big big aloha and warm hugs to you, what a sweetheart you are. How I wish I lived close to at least one of you, funny, how there is NO ONE here for me.
Today there is a huge influx of butterflies, so many the cats are leaping and falling trying to get them. I send you every one of you one of my "hono honu" orchids with a light scent, or if you prefer, a giant double pikake, (jasmine), with a heady exotic scent.
NancyB - I like your suggestion inre 'Dress for Success' I am going to tell daughter and dil to take what they want and give the rest of them to that organization. They will probably like them since there are a lot of Liz Claibourne etc. in there. I went with my wife to a Dillard's store one time and was surprised at how many of the salesladies knew her by her first name. They would call her over and say things like 'Oh Jean I just got this such and such outfit in and I thought of you. I just know that you will love it. Got my attention. But, it didn't change anything. Just made me aware of it.
Mothert - You are correct when you say that no matter how difficult the days are with them, there is a deep void when they are no longer with you. It is different, but, still difficult.
Patty-None of us live close to you geographically, but we're all as close as your keyboard. I have often thought about how I would have endured this if it had happened before the Internet came into existence. Would have been much more difficult and isolating, that's for sure.
This topic really hit home foe me as well . When we lost our house to foreclosure this past year, I had to clean out the house myself. Below were my thoughts from my blog
Well it happened, Sheri was attempting to clean out the garage with daughter number 2, and it happened. Sheri thought she was dealing with all of this pretty well. Well maybe not. As she started digging through years of Bob's projects and tools, her anger and resentment over took her. It was not just tears although there were plenty of them. Her anger grew as she tried to force open each swollen drawer of the dresser that got wet, from "Al's" escapades with the plumbing last spring. Her anger grew when she found all the beach towels neatly tucked in a tool type box, that she and the girls had looked for all last summer. Her anger grew as she dug through bits and pieces of wood that were suppose be to be used for something somewhere in this fixer upper house.. Her anger grew as she dumped piles of nails, screws, drill bits and thing-a-ma-jigs. Sheri's anger grew as she realized... she felt abandon by Bob.
Sherizee: Your posting reminds me of a truism that someone wrote on some material at the NH where my wife is. It says that the 'residents only have what they can get in three dresser drawers'. All of the "stuff" that has been so important to us will go away one way or the other.
The Masons in many cities have a collection point for medical equipment. I have given them everything from walkers to the stair-glide, for which I got a nice thank you to use for a tax deduction. That helped offset the money I had to pull out of a savings account that had been tax sheltered.
After my husband died last June, I am moving, downsizing, starting a new life at 76.. well, 77 by the time I get across country to new dwellings. So I have been going through our large old house of 41 years with the intention of not throwing out anything people can use. Some things I've sold to antique dealers (I didn't buy them, I inherited them or my husband did); some things I've sold on eBay with great success. Some things have gone on Craigslist, some donated directly (books to various libraries etc). And now I'm close to just putting everything else on Freecycle.org. There are freecycles all over the country, it is free to list, free to take, I've never had a scam or anyone who seems to be collecting stuff to sell elsewhere. Today I got rid of a futon to a couple who are destitute, and I have someone from a church trying to arrange to get our upright piano down stairs and away. I will put a lot of my husband's tools either on Freecycle or in a garage sale. Look them up!
And I'm working and working to clear out all our files, letters, etc. Today i found a letter my husband wrote 12 years ago to a long lost cousin (he always kept copies). It hit me hard to see the intelligent, witty man that he was speaking again. Sigh! I don't know if we are ever whole again, but we can keep trying to at least KEEP ourselves together.
Freecycle is wonderful. It is amazing the things that someone wants, and will pick up. Definitely good for things like old radios and VHS tapes that a thrift shop might not want.
I have just taken a couple of big boxes full of DH's stuff to his day care where they are having a garage sale this Saturday to raise money to buy activities stuff for the patients...it's a non profit Org, that is also supsidized by the Gov. I managed to do that while he was in day care so he wouldn't get upset..
After Claude passed on, I took all his suits, sport jackets, slacks, shirts, good jeans etc., to our Hospice. They were having a garage sale and the proceeds of the sale were going to some of their patients who couldn't afford shampoo, deodorant, shaving cream etc.
all great ideas. As for me I gave all her clothing to a church group that gives it to the needy people in the area. Some of her jewelery I gave to the granddaughters and some I gave to a local nursing home to give to the girls for door prizes in their bingo games and all her crafts I also gave to the local nursing home for use by the ladies there. Now all I have to let go of is her knick knacks and there are many of them to give away. But just a little at a time works for me and eventually they will be gone too.