I'm new at this site and perhaps this tope has already been covered. But I'm finding that I'm lucky if I can get him to shower and shampoo once a week. It's summer time and he's getting pretty gamey. If I say anything to him, he get mad at me and says he just took a shower a little bit ago. I can usually get him to 'humor' me but it's getting worse. Any suggestions?
The shower situation is one of my triggers for looking for help. At this point all I have to do is remind him that he needs to take one tomorrow and he does it. He is still using soap (I walked in on him a week or so ago), shaving almost every day, cutting toe nails, etc. I've checked. But I know that some of that will go before the showing itself goes. He is getting a shower at least 2 or 3 times a week, and if he takes one of his long walks, I get him into the shower right after that.
I know that if my husband gets to the point where he can't do this for himself, that I'm going to need help getting it done. I'm not physically up to doing it for him. For example I can't get down on the floor to cut his toenails. Once I'm down there I can't get up by myself. So when he gets to that stage, I am going to need help.
there are more topics here that have info on bathing, showering, i am sure- seems AD and water dont mix. without fail almost everyone runs into the bathing issues -it was one of my worst nightmares a few yrs ago. i used the disposable hospital type that heat in the microwave and the disposable showercaps for washing hair. they worked so well. you can buy at some drug stores too now. no rinse shampoos, and the throw away baths. it was an ongoing battle during those times and i just opted to do what i could when i could, and let the rest go. change their clothing daily and underwear and use these throwaways works well in this phase. nowdays, i can get him into the bath without difficulty and i can get the whole ritual of showering /shaving/dressing done in record 15min-it takes alot of practice and patience! divvi
Welcome to my website. On page 5 of these boards, there is a dicussion labled - "Getting into the shower or bath" - there are quite a lot of suggestions there.
You have come to the right place for support and understanding for spouses. No one understands our issues like us. I hope you will go to the home page of the website -www.thealzheimerspouse.com, and look through all of the information and topics. A good place to start is the "previous blog" section. Just about every topic you can imagine has been covered. Just scroll down and pick out the ones that interest you.
I'm with Orb. I get into the shower with my wife - or rather, get her into the shower with me. When I go to take a shower I ask her to join me to wash my back. Then I wash her back. So far, this is working well. Only occasionaly does she refuse. This is helped by having a walk-in shower which is more than large enough for 2.
This was a real problem before my husband was hospitalized, because he wouldn't do it on his own and I couldn't help him do it if he was willing. I'm on braces and crutches. We have a 4x4 step-in shower with a good grab bar inside and a small one just outside. Still, holding the small grab bar with my left hand, and reaching into the shower with my right won't get much done, and forget about the lower legs and feet or washing his hair. I was thrilled when he q
Something happened. To continue... when he qualified for in-home help for personal care and household chores. Our helper gets him howered and dressed at least once every week, and lotions his feet, which need the extra attention because of a callus condition. He also keeps me informed of any signs of injury--Hubby has a way of bumping and banging nhimself and doesn't tell anybody. Once it was a pretty good goose egg on his head--may have been from a fall from a TIA, but we didn't know about it for at least a couple days. Today I discovered a bruisde on the side of his wroist below the thumb. When I asked him how he got it, he didn't know. Why didn't he tell me about it? He said they just show up and if they don't hurt it doesn't matter. Having someone, trained and able to do his showering has been a really good thing also, because it preserves his sense of dignity. Having a spouse or child provide such personal care can sometimes negatively affect the personal relationships.
I just read Orb's comment. Tonight I invited DH to join me in the shower and I made a game out of it. He thought it was funny when I got him all lathered up and then had him rinse off. I just gathered up his dirty clothes and put out nice clean ones. He said you are really nice to me. I'm glad I married you.
Mawzy - that's an "awwwww" moment! How very sweet! It is truly amazing when we receive those kinds of sweet reminders that they really "do love us"....still. I am glad for you that you got "one of them" for this day :)
I have gotten into the habit of putting out a set of clean clothes when I take the bedspread off the bed. I've got a chest at the foot of the bed and that is where I put them. He wasn't changing and it really bothered me. Now if I forget he comes and gets me because something that should be there isn't there.
I started because it was Winter and he was cold. He wasn't dressing appropriately for the weather. But it is still working now that it is Summer.
Just a quick thought for some of these situations. I must lay out his clean clothes, he brushes his teeth and shaves while the water is getting hot for the shower, then I set the temp of the shower and he gets in. He does a good job of washing and shampooing, but I do have to watch the teeth brushing. I must now take him for cleaning every 3 mos because he's not brushing his teeth very well. About toenails -- I take him for a manicure and pedicure once a month. Yes, it costs me $50 but is worth it. The caluses are gone. His nails are so tough she must use the extra strong cutters to clip them. Take care!
I have thought of taking my DH for a manicure and pedicure, but he has a fungi and I do the best I can, maybe one day I have them in shape for him to get a pedicure. It would be worth it to me to to pay someone that is a professional at it.
As Carma said ... I take Dee for a Pedicure about once every other month and that takes care of the feet... Her finger nails about every other week or so... I color her hair and do it to the best of my ability ... I alternate between a shower and washing her hair every other day, , I use a shampoo and conditioner in one so I only need to rinse once... I blow dry and pretty much leave it as I,m not to handy with the curling iron or know how to style it but I do the best I can.... As for the shower I stand outside and tell her what to do ( look through the glass ) " wet everything, put soap from the pump bottle in your hand, now put it in both hands and wash under your arms now get more soap and wash your bottom front "" and so on cause if I let her do it on her own she will miss spots of importance .. As for cloths I pick and help her dress with all her garments.... The shower and clothing issue has been a tough decision for me because I sometime wonder if helping her as much as I do is a negitive to her ability to continue doing things on her own... I have wayed letting her do it and it not being done right or helping and being sure her dress and cleanliness are right,,, I choice the latter..... Dan
Marsh is right. That's where we go. You can go on a regular basis. I forgot just what the time span is. I think it's a litle less than every three months.
Bathing is such a battle! I thought perhaps the medication would help with this aspect too, but no such luck! I have been thinking a lot about what trisinger said … about their depth perception, and how it could be fear that made him act this way. He stopped liking showers about 3 years ago, hates them. So what I have been doing is drawing the bath for him, with not a lot of water… he fought but this worked, some what. Now though what he is doing, I know because I spy… he gets in the tub , but he doesn’t sit in it. He stands in it, holds onto the bar and gets his cloth wet etc.
Today I tried coloring the water, as trisinger suggested, but that didn’t seem to help either- he still stood. I talked with the people at service link/Medicaid to ask about what they thought would be best for a seat for him. They told me to wait until the nurse comes out Tuesday as she accesses the bathroom for hazards and gives you ideas to help. I remember someone here mentioning some sort of sliding seat, what is it? I couldn’t find it when I did a search.
We just graduated into the 'serious help with showering' class. It is hard to believe how much my DH has lost in the past two weeks. So far, I am able to just stand outside the shower and give him directions about what to do. We have a pretty big shower for a motorhome, but it might be a squeeze to get two in there! So, we see the surgeon today who may remove his gallbladder. At this point, I can't even imagine a gallbladder issue would cause all the problems we've had over the past two weeks - but I'll let you know.
Best of luck Frand I will be keeping you both in my thoughts. Are they saying his decline is from the gallbladder? I had mine removed due to gallstones, it cause pain... but nothing more serious. But then again, I don't have AD... let us know.
Any small illness or in this case, major surgery will have a huge effect on an AD person. a fever, cold, flu, even anything little can send them into decline, much less anything as serious as this. he will probably be off for a bit til he is recouperated but hopefully after regain his momentum. divvi
Thank you divvi, i did know illness could effect an AD patient seriously, as Lynn gets hallucinations with even a mild fever, but I didn't know it could cause a major decline. Thanks for the info!
We have a 'Nail Lady' with a shop in our strip mall. She has DH soak his feet in a nice tub of moving water to which she has added some kind of a disinfectant. His nails are so thick she has to get them really soft and then she uses a heavy-duty clipper. This is such a blessing to us. He can't do them himself and the last time I did it for him, I cut his toe. I have Macular Degeneration and I don't dare do it again. The next time I'll hurt him even worse. We have it done about every 6 weeks. The first time he didn't want to go but now he enjoys that little Vietnamese lady. He enjoys the way she talks.
In the last couple weeks I noticed after my husband's shower his washcloth was not wet. At first I thought maybe he washed with another one. After a couple times I realized he was not washing with soap, just standing in the shower for 15-20 minutes. I ask him about the dry washcloth & he acted like he had no idea what I was even talking about. I have since printed out simple instructions & hung them in the shower, really didn't do any good though, when I went to check on him tonight, he didn't use the washcloth until I showed him what to do with it. And for some reason the last 2 nights he doesn't want to wear his PJ's to bed, he wants to wear his jean shorts he wears doing the day. Finally, he put them on however, not without a fight.
Kadee-I got my husband pull-up shorts with an elastic waist and drawstring. Works for day or night attire. I will get long pants the same way if it ever gets cold.
Kadee,my DH quit using pjs many yrs ago.! he wants his clothes on he wore allday, so be it. and his shoes:) i have some slipper he wears indoors and the outside ones. if he goes to bed he will brush his teeth and then to bed as he is, dont mess with him to try to change my DH into bed clothes. i thought, why does it matter? whats the difference?he has clean clothes daily anda bath every other day min and if he gets messy at meals i change him again. so all in all it just makes for amuch happier relationship to let him do as he pleases. its been like this for 8yrs and running. and he wants his slippers on his feet under the covers:) never any issues now-just go with the flow, there will be many hurdles dont get strungout..divvi
ps my DH is very comfy in jogsets, cotton or velour for winter and brite colors. so its as if they were pjs..never a belt issue thankfully and elastic pants are a lifesaver!divvi
You are right, Divvi -- go with the flow & that makes for a happy little two-some here! My DH had a blockage in his bladder last March, 2007, and after his TURP surgery, there was to be a 'possible 12 mth recovery period' for incontinence...he did do better after about 9 months, but now pretty incontinent each day. Issues with their health def affected by the AD. And, prior to AD, he wore boxers & T-Shirt to bed...now, depends w/an xtra pad & "elastic shorts" and t-shirt most nites...the elastic shorts work wonders! I also keep sissors in the bathroom toilet area so that I can just "cut off" the depends rather than having him 'step out of them' when they are soiled! And him using a "hand-held urinal" has worked wonders to assist with him tee-teeing all over the floor!! Amazing!! He is pleased, as am I :)
Odd as this one sounds...it worked for us. She hated baths and wouldn't cooperate. She always said she didn't need one. One day, exasperated, I said, "You, do, too. You are starting to smell." She looked kind of astonished and said, "Really?" I said, "Oh, yes. You are really getting gross."
So she allowed herself to be put in! Every once in awhile I'd just tell her she smelled bad, and that pretty much did it. I know it won't work for everyone, but heck, I wouldn't have thought that'd work for us!
Also, I kept up a running patter of talk. It seemed to help. Like, "OK, we'll get your shirt off. OK, there we go, left arm, now right arm, now we're going to get that shirt off and get some nice warm water over you. You just slide your foot over here and let's get it all clean. Now it's time for the other foot and I see we have a bunch junk between your toes so let's just get that stuff out and you'll feel all nice and clean"......
Anyway, the more I talked, the more she listened and forgot to argue! yhc
Trisinger - That's EXACTLY what got my DH to agree to showers more & more...I just told him he had B.O.!! He also said "really"?? He surely didn't want that!! One day this week when we showered, I made a "race-car" sound as I washed under his "pits"...he laughed & liked that alot...it reminded me of something we'd do with a grandchild. Since we will probably never have them together, I guess that is my "fix" for wanting that to happen. I also agree that lots of "instruction-type talking" is what works for us! He even got to where he was telling me "you're doing really good" or "y'all are doing really good" ~ As if we have a 'staff' of helpers...LOL!! :) That made my day!!
It always gets back to the childhood somehow...how we treat them, I mean. DD had a lot of luck dealing with it because she has had toddlers during the past 5 years. Things she did with the kids seemed to work on DW. The only problem is that every once in awhile it would backfire, and DW would get mad because we were 'treating her like a child.' It's a fine line to tread.
Natsmom loved the staff comment in the shower..so cute-'ya'll' here can mean those guys or thekids too. ha. they must exist if all our spouses are seeing them??? :) me too, i have to say in the shower i give DH ANYTHING usually ( shower toy) in each hand so he doesnt have the ability to grab the shower hose and turn it on me:) this seemsto be the highlite ofhis shower to get me soaking.then he says now you 'dont stink':))it works so we go with that too. by the way, if you are using sizzers to cut diapers off beware, my DH grabbed them once and turned them toward me quiteout of he blue. you can just RIP the diapers off at the diaper SEEMS- so easily instead! it is much safer. divvi
I did that when my first husband was in the hospital. He couldn't really wash himself, but wasn't so far gone that he appreciated having strange nurses wash him. They had a pretty big walk-in shower, and I would help him bathe there. The nurses appreciated having one less chore to do each day. They would also tease us about exactly what we were doing in there, which did wonders for my husband's morale.
yeah, i see the romantic edge to Dr Marsh here too..:) awww..bless you for getting into the shower to help DW..in my case i tried that and then i was wet and slippery marble floors and trying to deal with myself first and keeping DH from barging out onto the marble and rugs..ugh. i found its better justto get in dessed and steer clear of the shower hose. its a game he loves to shoot me in the face and hair. of course aftr my makeup is on :) i am used to it now so try to make the best of it. divvi ps sunshyne, and i know exactly what you are sayig, my DH isnt that far along either he knows how to still flirt too.
OY! Such a battle to get Lynn to bathe. I can't be the only one with this problem, can I ? This is a man who use to shower twice every day... Now he gets near hysterical, angry and down right mean every time I tell him he has to bathe. The seroquel hasn't helped with this either. He is fine all the time now, never angry or a bad word. But let me tell him it is bath time and the AD devil is back!
I have tried all of your suggestions, none have worked! At one time we did shower together but now he wont let me in the bathroom at all! I can't even lock myself in there with him and a squirt bottle, as he tells me to get the hell out! With that particular look in his eye I do. Sweet talk, humor, nothing works. I just left him in there swearing and calling me every name in the book.....sigh
Nikki, now it is time to allow someone else to get him into the shower. I know the hospice people have offered you that service. It is time to say yes.
I agree that it is more than time! But he isn't on hospice, he has medicaid and through them a program that offers these services. His case manager, came to do an evaluation a couple of weeks ago. At the mere mention on assistance with baths he freaked out. Needless to say, she said he was not ready to allow someone to help him. I think she sees what I see.... it would not be Lynn who ended up in that tub! We meet the women who will be his nurse in a few minutes. From what I understand she is going to come check his vitals, his feet etc. When personal care isn't such an issue for him, they will send in additional nurses for that.
Nikki, how about a male nurse? Having a man do it might help. And, it is also possible that once she starts showing up, checking things out, that the next thing will be helping him with bathing and he will be able to accept it then.
Starling, Its been a few weeks since u wrote about cutting toe nails etc. I can't get down either. We have a recliner he sits in almost all the time now. When he is in it, I tip it up so his feet are level with chair bottom, put towels down, tuck warm wet cloths around his feet. After few minutes "soaking" , I get kichen or dining room chair, sit in front or along side his feet and cut toe nails. No bending or whateve and he enjoys his pedicure. He has couple thick nails which I file down as much as possible. I get him in shower with me and everything had been fine till lately, he hangs onto soap rack in shower or top of shower door bar and it is hard to get him to turn or bend or whatever. I'm going to ask hospice to bathe him in next week or two. Don't know how that will go as they have all female aids. I might get jealous...
Nikki, I don't have any answers for you.....the bathing/clothing issue was one of the triggers that led to me placing him for a couple of years. He fought me (really fought me), he cursed, screamed, put his fist thru the drywall, and cried like a baby whenever I tried to get him to bathe. I had to cut his clothes off a few times because he wouldn't take them off. It was physically and emotionally draining...I taped some of these sessions and it is horrible to remember what we went thru. When he was placed, the aides couldn't manage him much better, so they started giving him a small amount of Ativan an hour before it was time to bathe him....it mellowed him out quite a bit. You might want to think about that.....or, since he still seems to "connect" with you, maybe you could tell him that you really need to have help with this part of his care....let him think this is for you.
To me, these times were the worst......I will be hoping that this stage passes quickly for you both......
The Hospice aide who seen my Mom also seen my uncle 5 yrs. ago. She told me he didn't want her to bathe him. Finally she told him he could keep his briefs on while he showered and that worked.
Nikki, is it just the bath or is it removing the clothes? (as i had a time with DH over just the clothes.) try getting him intot he shower with the shower off and WITH his clothes on and sitting down,then get in close the door and try to get the shirt off first then pants, etc. still without any water..i found my DH much more cooperative in the shower than out of it. he just abhored geting naked and i too had to cut off a couple of polo shirts off him. i wil admit that sometimes its just not worth the hardship on them/us and i just changd shirt and underwear and sprayed under the arms/etc the vitals and left it at that til he was more willing. this part the bathing was a nightmare for me. its much better now he's cooperative as much as possible at this point,and i have associated it many times with being off the alz drugs-i hope it gets better with time-Divvi
Thank you all for your thoughts and help. This has been going on over 2 years now. I usually don't fight him about it any more, but I knew the nurse was going to give him a physical so I felt he HAD to bathe. I only "ask" him to have a full bath once a week. I think this has to do with him going back in his childhood. He has said over and over.. I only take a bath on Saturday nights! So I can be clean for Church.
The rest of the week he does really well with a sponge bath. He likes to use the smaller bathroom, without the tub/shower. He won't let me in there, but I need to make sure he IS cleaning so I took the knob off the door (its a sliding door) so I can peek in on him. Desperate times desperate measures lol
So far, he is still ok about undressing in front of me. From time to time he will let me in after awhile to wash his back. The nurse said today, as he progresses with incontinence it is her experience much of the resistance lets up as well. I hope this is the case, as when that happens bathing will be truly important. Thanks for letting me vent!!! Nikki
ps, a no on the male nurse... he said no way was he getting naked with a man in the room!
I agree it is easier not to have the fight. There's no point in insisting they have a bath or shower each and every day. But bacteria still grows on them and they still get sweaty, and if they are wearing diapers that area needs to be hosed down. That being said...knowing that a cleaning is important every three days or so...
At this point you are probably too close to the situation to be the pack leader. I remember when Andrea fussed and cussed, I backed down. It's like having a bratty kid and being the sort of parent who wimps out on being in charge. It's totally understandable, because at the end of the day, it's not a child you have to deal with. It's a full grown adult, capable of a lot worse than a child.
Allow the visiting hospice/aide whatever to do the shower. They don't have a personal stake in getting it done, and are less likely to want to cry when the situation turns ugly. The best thing for you to do it leave the room if it is hard for you to hear. Remember when we 'Ferberized' the babies? The fussing didn't hurt them, but the moms wanted to crawl into a hole. It was better if you left and didn't listen.
So let the aide do it, don't stick around to hover, and feel better knowing that while the person fusses, it is in their best health interest to get this done.
Thank you trisinger, I appreciate your thoughts. The only trouble is, Lynn is resistant enough to having aides help him bathe, that his case manager said at this time, she would not subject her nurses to his "bad behavior". So, hmm that gives you an idea of how he reacted when she tried to help him ....(he wasn't mean or rude, just adamant)
Lynn isn't yet in diaper, so we are not having the bigger worry of bacteria etc. He does sponge bathe every day. Allows me to wash his face and hair... trim his nails, shave, etc etc .....For now the nurse and his doctors said the full bath once a week was fine. (as long as he still does so well with the sponge baths of course) If he is in a particularly good mood, I try to sneak more baths in.. convincing him it IS Saturday night, and as his mother taught him, he MUST take a bath! Often times it works! Thanks again, Nikki
Yes, Folks, I often have difficulty getting Frank to take a shower. I will set the temp of the water while he is taking off his shirt and, sometimes his pants and socks, but underwear is another problem. So, I joke with him and say, "You know, it's a hell of a note when I have to beg a man to strip for me". He laughs and finishes undressing then gets in the shower. By the next time he needs to take a shower I use the same statement, always laughing, and because he's forgotten what I said, he laughs and gets in the shower. This may change at any minute. The use of deodorant is another issue for another time.
Well, does anyone know how to get them to brush their teeth and remove upper partial. What a job. my husband will, with much pleading - brush, but will not let me take out partial, when i do get to do it - he jumps at me and the teeth go flying out and on the floor. He complains but goes on brushing. He really hates to take them out- I think he might think, they should not come out. I explain but , to know avail.!!!!!