This is in reference to the stepchildren...and since his diagnoses in 2008 they visited once in 08, 3 times, in 09...and didnt come again until 2011...The son stayed for 10 days in aug 2011 and havent heard from him no emails...cards....voicemails...nothing and as far as the daughter the same and she only lives 1hr away...now that he is on hospice now that want my door to be open 24hours aday and I do not agree with that.. I have visits for the entire family which is over 20 people once amonth because it is so much stress. Am I wrong for doing this or should I have a revolving door....also when they do visit they will not help at all with care or anything so it's like whats the use?
Boy. that's a tuff one. Just off the top of my head I think what I might do would be to tell everyone that wanted to visit that they are welcome to do so. HOWEVER, due to the fact that he is ill...very ill, and hospice is helping it will be necesarry for no more just "drop in visits". The visitor's need to call at least a day in advance so that a time can be arranged and so he doesn't have too many visitors in one day and at one time.
This type of thing may or may not be true, but a fiblet doesn't hurt in this situation. Also, you might want to talk with the hospice people and ask what they would recommend.
considering they havent made an effort but now it seems the guilt is catching up, i'd say a weekly SHORT visit say sundays around 2pm or something of that nature would be all that could be expected. the revolving door would not work here at all. it takes too much time and effort to make sure they are up to par to receive visitors, *(not feeling well or sleepy etc aggitated) plus just getting my dh cleaned up changed breakfasted or fed at odd hrs takes alot of time. and expecting unannounced visitors would not be something i am willing to do at this point. if they are at the final end, then maybe immediate family could be accomodated but only if you and spouse are not upset about it. divvi
Angelb, I agree with Judith. I think it is unreasonable for friends/family to think you should have an open door and accomodate them when they want to visit. I would do as Judith says-establish "rules" around their visits-call at least 24 hours in advance, schedule visits so they do not interfer with his care and your schedule and perhaps limit the time they can stay. If you're bold enough, I would also tell them that it would be greatly appreciated if they could bring a salad, casserole or something which would help lessen the burdern on you.
My BIL and SIL visited last week for 1.5 hours and were basically useless (in many ways). When they were leaving, SIL asked what they could do to help. I didn't say anything but I wanted to tell them, take him to your home for 3-4 days and see what it's like living with him on a daily basis.
angelb, I know what you mean about the stepchildren. I let them come whenever they pleased for 16 years and it sure wasn't often. His youngest daughter showed up about 3 months ago after about 2 years and after the visit stood in the drive and cried. Her dad didn't even know who she was when she had come in the house. His son shows up whenever. The oldest daughter is banned from my home forever. After he got so much worse, she went on facebook and blamed every bad thing that ever happened in her life on him. She is 40 years old. I just told her to assume a little responsibility for her own life and to never to speak ill of her dad as he is in no position to defend himself. My kids adore him. My youngest daughter moved home to help take care of him. My son lives 3 minutes away and my oldest daughter moved back in town to be closer. I have set up my will so that if anything ever happens to me, my husband will stay with my daughter in our house. I am so done worrying about anyone else except me and him. As long as he is loved - that is all that matters. I won't tolerate negativity around him.
Linda - your step daughter and my adopted daughter must be related - she is 34 and blames everything bad in her life (which is most everything due to bad choices) on me.
It's sad that these children are in hiding from reality. My stepdaughter and her husband are wonderful and loving. His son however, just ignores us totally. His father is already gone, in his mind, I guess. My son and daughter love him and treat him with caring and respect. I'm not mad at my stepson. I guess he just can't face the music. I did hear once upon a time, " Your children see how you treat your parents and will treat you likewise". There sure will be a lot of miserable old folks in the future, if it's true.
The sisters that were so forceful on me taking care of their AD Mom on weekends, for a full year, rarely call, never come, don't care about ME maybe him.
When we moved to this island they squawked and said oh he does not visit enough! Not anymore..
and so sadly disappointing, some long lost cousins of his that came around November, telling me how they would help and to bring him over to stay, (they are on this island), seemed to have dropped out, never call. I even called them angels....
I'll go back and read the other comments but off the top of my head, even under the best of circumstances, no revolving door...I don't allow that much now as too many people at one time leads to confusion and distress not only for my DH but me as well..
You mention Hospice is there now but you didn't say how deep your DH is into this now, is he awake or does he doze a lot, is he in much discomfort with other effects of the disease or is he pretty comfortable, is he fully bedridden now or is he up some of the time.. I think the particular situation will dictate how you manage this.
You have said as many as 20 people wish to visit. Have they been dedicated to your DH during the journey or have they been hap hazard? The step children, his kids, now that they sense he is closer to the end, may have other motives now. So be aware of the things they are doing when they visit ( I trust very few people and have seen things in an my husband's aunt's home disappear before she was gone).
For those kids to expect open house at THEIR whim after no contact for a year and little before that, they will dance to YOUR tune as regards the time they can come and for how long. People call here to see if it is a good time to visit my DH and most of the time it is just fine, now and then we are off to a doctor appt..so that is one thing I would make policy in your more difficult situation now...call ahead and make a date for a visit and then keep them short, not too many visitors per day. You have things to do and you need time for yourself and time with him too so do not count yourself out of the equation...Your DH is YOUR main concern and to that end you must take care of you too. Keep us posted on how you are doing. Blessings.
We do not do crowds. I had a birthday party in May of last year and he was so overwhelmed that he cried. Broke my heart. Then in August we went to his family reunion and he cried again and I cried with him. I think he really can remember at times how his life was. There have to have moments of clarity even if they are brief and fleeting. We have my family get-together every Christmas Eve. There are usually 30-40 people, but he knows all of them...doesn't know their names anymore, but knows them. He actually applauds the arrival of his favorites. They know every year may be the last with his condition. His kids never show up. I have never turned them away if they wanted to see him. However his oldest daughter is no longer welcome. I will not let her come and smile and condescend to him and leave and stab him in the back. I behave and keep my temper for his and his parents' sakes. After they are all gone, I may let my evil twin take over and God help them!