Will try to keep this short. DH asked me to pour us a cup of coffee that he wanted to talk to me. First, he told me how much he loved me, had loved me from the moment he first saw me, and would always love me. Then he told me how much he appreciated all that I do for him, taking care of him, keeping the house up, doing all the financials stuff, repairs, taking care of the dog.
Then he asked if there were many things he did that bothered me. I was honest and said yes, and tried to explain things, but also told him that I know he doesn’t do them to “bother” me – that it’s part of the disease. He asked if it is the ALZ making him do these things and I said yes. He asked me explain “ALZ”! (Try that one on!) I used the analogy of the electrical current in the brain – shortages, power surges, etc. He said he thought he understood.
He then tried to explain to me what happens to him when he goes into the “fog”, as he puts it. He did an excellent job of telling me what it feels like and it was all I could do to keep from crying. He said he knows when it’s coming on, but there’s nothing he can do to stop it. Says he goes to la-la land.
There was a lot more said, but this is the gist of the conversation. He was perfectly clear and concise – for about an hour – then he told me, “the fog is coming”. I hugged him and told him to lean his head back on his recliner and take a nap – which he never does, but he did this time.
I’m sure he may not remember this conversation, but it was good for me, to see him able to express himself so well. So…they are still there …..sometimes.
I wonder if you can ask him to let you know by telling you or maybe asking him " Is the fog coming in?"..If that would work it could set lots of stresses aside.. Gave my hubby a nice valentine ( but all week during ads on tv he would be a grump about the day) he said " I didn't get to the store to get you one..I said that is ok...anyway that is it for here. My friend has a jewelry store and they have some gold dipped roses..real roses that were dipped in enamel and then the ends trimmed in gold foil and the stem too and they are about 60 bucks..I may go there today and get one for us..maybe two or three...they are in all colors.
I can't believe how "with it" your dh is. My dh has so much trouble communicating. At first I thought it was just "old age". After all he was 80 when the worst began. Now he is close to 86. He wouldn't know what ALZ even means. His communication skills are getting worse all the time. Last night he looked at me and said, "where's Shirley?" I said "I'm Shirley" and left the room to fix dinner. I was afraid I would cry.
Our heartstrings are constantly being pulled. DH has been so confused this week; walks into the kitchen and doesn't remember where anything is. Is this a precursor to something more serious? My dh doesn't complain of "fog". This morning he emptied the dishwasher and for the most part things were put away in proper places.
What I would give to have my dh talk to me like yours did. Treasure that conversation.
Shirley, most mornings he is pretty much "with it"- in fact I can leave him alone for a couple of hours. But not in the afternoons or evenings. Most of the time I know when the "fog" is coming or is already there and I sort of tiptoe around things. He is having more trouble finding the right words - but that didn't happen this morning! We went through the "who's the other woman who takes care of me, etc..." , too.
You are right - our heartstrings are constantly being pulled. Hang in there - we can get through this!
Thanks Vickie, need that story this morning. Yesterday was a "fog" day for DH and a difficult for all involved. Was battered at work with calls from home and then got to go home and deal with all the anger, upset and all the stories of you don't listen, you don't hear..... etc. All the while cleaning the bathroom, 2 load of laundry, shower and shave him. But you know after all of that I woke to Valentine's day, a day forgotten by DH but I honestly don't care because he awoke to a better mood and I am happy....I'll take that as my present today :)
That was wonderful. You are so lucky he was able to describe it to you like that. How did he describe the "fog"? Sid is not able to tell me. He does realize that he "goes away" or "zones out", but he cannot tell me what happens or what it feels like when he is in that place.
Vickie, that is a beautiful memory that you now have to keep you going. My dh hardly says any words. He is having a spiral right now and it is worrisome to me. I am so glad you had this chance to interact with your dh. Like Joan, I would really like to know what they are thinking when they can't communicate with us...... Hope you have a blessed day.,,......Happy V. day everyone.....
Joang,. he said that it's like when you are driving and the weather is clear - and all of a sudden you run into fog and you can't see very well. You become disoriented, don't know where you are or who you are with. I thought it was an apt description. And, he said it comes on him slowly sometimes and then very quickly at other times. I asked if anything triggered it - and he couldn't say if there was or not. He did say that if he's not feeling very good generally, it seems to happen more often, and I've noticed this is true. Or, if people are here or we are out with others, he "tries to keep it away". He also said it's like a veil drops down in front of his face, and he has no control at that point.
It was amazing to me that he was able to articulate it so well.
Wow...that is amazing. I think I might try and have this discussion with my dh. I have no idea if he could tell me or if he even wants to talk about this subject.
I have been wondering for sometime if I should try and have a discussion with my dh regarding the possibility that he may become incontinent before long. Did any of you discuss this with your spouse prior to it happening??
Vickie, this is amazing to have your husband describe what it is like for him. It helps all of us all to understand. Two or three times over the past four years of his life, my husband said, very concerned, "I'm losing my mind." All I could say back to him, and it seemed to be reassuring, was, "Well, I'll fill in for you."
I have tried asking my husband what his world is like and he can't explain it. Of course, he has never been one to get in touch and explain what he is feeling or thinking. I get most of my insights from reading book by victims and on Memory people reading some of those with AD talk about their life. They are fortunate to be able to articulate it like your husband did Vickie.
This really amazes me Vickie. My husband does not know what to say when I ask him to describe it, and usually says nothing is wrong. Maybe he is further along. I wish he could tell me.
hi sarahlynn again could i get one of you to call me on this phone number , so i could talk to a person i just need somebody who would understand me. 1-850-768-1908 this my cell #
That is beautiful Vickie. Sometimes when I talk to my dh I can see in his eyes something that comes on it does seem like a veil and I can tell he is aware of it but he cannot put words to it.
Hi Sarahlynn, it sounds like you are going through a pretty tough time…...
A word of caution if I may, I think it would be wise to remove your number. Anyone can see this, not just our members.
I am no expert, but there are numbers you can call. The Alzheimer's association is one of them.
The Alzheimer's Association 24/7 Helpline provides reliable information and support to all those who need assistance. Call us toll-free anytime day or night at 1.800.272.3900
We would love to support you right here on the forum. I know for some it is harder to write out their feelings, but I think it also is healing to put it all down. It’s hard, we are here for you ((hugs))
Vickie - What a treasure you have in this conversation with your LO. My DH doesn't think he has anything wrong with him. He won't discuss his "problems" at all. He has a neuro doctor appt. in two weeks and doesn't want our son or me to go with him. Of course he doesn't drive now so don't know how he thinks he will get there.
I am able to leave dh alone for two or three hours. Came home the other day and couldn't believe my eyes. Ordinarily dh can't take any phone messages let alone make a call. There on the counter was a written message from a friend, time she called and he had even initialled it like he used to. (Like I wouldn't know who had taken the message). A real sign of a clear mind. The rest of the day was a crap shoot. Spied and hallucinated about neighbors. Accused the Russians for our unusual weather. I said maybe it was the French (I am French) because they don't like us either. He said the French weren't smart enough.
I miss being able to have a real conversation; not having to remember not to say a thing about money, banks, investments or the like. I have to do so much thinking before opening my mouth that I just figure it isn't worth the effort most of the time. I always give him my undivided attention when he talks to me and don't ignore him. I love him too much not to pay careful attention to what he says or tries to say.
Another very lucid conversation this afternoon - just before the sundowning started. He said he knows he is getting worse (and he now has A-Fib, and symptoms of Parkinsons), that there is nothing to be done about it - and he just wants it to end. He said he has done just about everything he wanted to do with his life up till now - and if he hasn't, it's too late now anyway! Said he knows how hard I work to keep things up and take care of him and it isn't fair to me to put me through this - and he just wants it to end. He said half the time he doesn't know what's going on or happening and it gives him a headache to try to figure it out. He said he hoped he would just go to sleep and not wake up. There was more...
I just sat there with tears brimming but said very little and just let him talk. God help me, I, too, hope he just goes to sleep and doesn't wake up.
Oh Vickie, how heartbreaking. Maybe I'm glad that my DH doesn't have a clue about what is happening to him. My heart goes out to you. I also hope my DH falls asleep & wakes up in the arms of Jesus.
Vickie - (((((hugs)))) for you. As others have said, we all wish they would go to sleep and never wake up. At least he is not talking about taking his own life, do no worries in that area.
So Sad...I think that would be the best way to go..we all wish that. My Dh sometimes says he's had enough, looks up to the sky and prays God to take him.
aww (((vickie.)) so sad to hear he has so many lucid concerns. like others i was very glad DH never knew what hit him. it was a blessing he never knew he'd succumb to this terrible disease. divvi