I have recently come across some conflicting ideas, and wondered what others have found the most advantageous...for both people where one has dementia. My DH is a bear...his is a bully and as I have read here is the case for many others, treats me like I'm the enemy! Recently he told me that the entire 30 years we have been married I have been a horrible person to live with. Now of course I could tell you anything...but I am about the most easy going person there is...sometimes to my own detriment. However, this is what he believes now, and he seems to have an enormous amount of anger inside, which I do understand. My daughter says,"Mom he bullies you cause you let him. Put your foot down and tell him your not going to let him treat you that way anymore, and if he doesn't like it, you'll make other living arrangements." But my son says..."well, just try to make him feel like you want to be with him, don't tell him what to do or to listen to you cause he feels that your trying to take over. Tell him your sorry he feels that way and you'll try to do better". I have been back and forth on this. He is, and always has been hard to live with...he is very dominant and hardheaded...of course worse with the dementia. He is not and has never been affectionate, and can be very "cold". I have stuck it out...literally because I feel I made a commitment, and because of our kids...he had 2 and I had 3 from a previous marriage. I loved his 2 dearly, and they needed me, they were young when we married, so I would have never done anything to loose them. But now, although still very much standing by my commitment ...am about fed up with having to always be the one to yield and apologize to keep the peace. I have rarely stood my ground but wonder now what is really going to be the best for both of us. Anyone have any advice or experience in this matter?
This is what I do and it has worked every time. It makes me feel terrible when I tell what I do, but if it helps someone it is worth repeating. When he gets upset or hateful sometimes I can handle it, but when I can't....I say this and he shapes right up and usually stays mellow for several days or even weeks.
"You (dh) know when you are hateful like this it makes my blood pressure go sky high. I could have a stoke at anytime if you keep this up and then who is going to take care of you? Now, shape up or I will have to go away for a few days or send you away for a few days. I am not going to let you make me ill"
Then I usually get out the blood pressure thing and take my blood pressure and it usually is high and then I tell him to come over and look at how high my bp is and you have caused this.
i cant imagine going thru this disease with someone who was dominant hardheaded and never affectionate during 30yrs of marriage. and before dementia. it is possible to make arrangements for their care outside the house living apart. some here have done it this way. sometimes living with the AD devil just becomes too to much sacrifice. we are entitled to happiness regardless of our spouses having AD. if i didnt love my spouse as much as i do and felt it was reciprocal i doubt i would have been able to handle it for 12yrs and counting. not alot of choices though. divvi
Thank you so much for the info. I wish the blood pressure thing would work, but part of a recent conversation was that there is nothing wrong with him and basically if I don't start being nice he will have to leave. Of course he thinks he is fine to make it on his own. So that would not work with him. Yes, divvi, it is almost too much to live in this situation. His two children have said when it gets too much they will take him, and I may just take them up on that if he doesn't mellow out. But still makes me very sad because I do love him and would absolutely stick it out if he would make allow me.
I think a break away with him living with his own kids, for even a short while, would be good. It took 4 days away one summer with his kids to convince my husband of what I'd been trying to tell him. He realized then that he couldn't take care of himself and that his kids wouldn't. It was any eye-opener for him that turned him around 360 degrees. Yes, it will be hard for you at the time, but I truly believe once he's back home with you, he will know your worth. I believe that they are angry that they aren't the same person they once were, and we are handy targets who will put up with it.
mimiS what Mary75 suggests makes sense and just might work. Sometimes the hardest thing we have to choose to do, is to step back or step away, and let others take over, whether for a little while, or permanently. Letting his kids take him for a while, as a trial, may solve this, or point you in the direction you need to go. You cannot be a good Caregiver as a rug under his feet. Standing your ground could create clear and present dangers to you. Whatever you do, keep your health and wellbeing at the front of your focus.
I don't have any of those alternatives. I am an only child and my parents are strong advocates for divorce in my situation. H's family is on the right coast and he and I have no children.
Now I just withdraw, 99% of the time. But before that, when there was some reasoning and he would "spew" I would not be able to contain myself and said " I don't talk to you like that, and I don't accept you talking to me like that and I want an apology right now."
I kept my thoughts to myself and never threatened anything. However, his last outburst was on Christmas Eve and I have no way of knowing what tensions his inner psyche has or how he preceives mine. It was awful and ugly, and I did say a version of the above. There have been comments since then that I ignore: a couple of things I can take and shrug off but not a whole speech.
This is not something that happens all the time and I am mostly okay with understanding, but sometimes I have a breakthrough, just like he does.
I totally agree with bluedaze* and I am not trying to win because I know I have lost long ago but just cannot always quiet my voice.
Judith, I have to tell you there is more than one mean spouse around here when we have to be. Lloyd used to shake his fists at me menacingly. I just told him if he hit me that I would knock him on his ass. It has been months since he has threatened me in any way. I just tell him if he wants to be mean that I can be mean, too. I just figure he is so frustrated with his situation that there will be outbursts occasionally. They sometimes need to be told that you know how hard this all is and that it is hard for you, too; but that you are going to be right there with them.
I really don't consider doing what is necessary to get them out of the "mean stream" as being mean. We all must try and do whatever to survive because they need us and they may not realize how much they need us.
My bp did go over 200 and it scared me. I had to do something. And, since I used this threat several times, I do think he knew I meant that I was not going to be here if he kept acting like he was and I did mean it. He would have had to go to a secure place. But, medications helped and since then he has been a mellow and sweet as can be.
I think your daughter may have a point, if he was a hellion to live with before DX. I have a sneaky feeling that the qualities we have before we get such a DX may be amplified when we face dementia..our neuro as much as suggested this..My dh would be stubborn...so god help anyone who has to take care of me..I am not a hellion but I can be tempermental and because of this disease I am learning to stand my ground and not let myself be pushed around..I used to be easy more easy going..just Friday I got in the doctor's face and put him in his place with a " will you let me finish my thought...." and he shut up.. I think your son is wrong to have you play the doormat role when your husband clearly needs to be guided...maybe he can be guided gently but there are times when we have to take the controls..and unless your kids live with you full time, they don't really know what you do have to deal with day to day.
I like the suggestion that you let him know how this affects YOUR health and that if you do leave to go to hospital etc or if it gets too difficult HE will be going to a "hotel" for some time until you are well...remind him it is YOU who are taking on the lions share of everthing now.
Somewhere in all this he knows something is wrong with him and he is angry and taking it out on you. You are the one nearest and hence the closest target. Invite the kids to come stay with him for a couple months so you can get away..and then go with a friend to someplace you might like such as the beach or trip to Europe!
I'm just so torn...and as much as I want to be tough, this is just tearing me to pieces. I have high blood pressure already, and several other problems. The years have been rough, and it has taken a toll. I don't want to let it go to the point of destroying any health I have left. I am only 57, with so much to give...and live for. I do think a break would be wonderful. Would love to have kids come here, but when diagnosed we lost everything including our home that was close to the kids and grand kids. So at this point, since his son works, and his daughter has a 5 month old infant, and live in another state, the hope of them coming here for more than a day or two is about impossible. But I may suggest he go stay with his daughter for a week or so to "give him a break away from me", since he thinks I am the worst person alive. He clearly thinks he is perfectly capable of taking care of himself...and for the most part is still. He can drive, cook, and functions pretty normal. His dementia they say is frontal lobe, so the biggest problem is his personality, moods etc. He is on meds, but I may need to get another to calm him when he has these angry outbursts, but I would have to slip it to him, cause he won't take it. The last explosion was all because I asked him to listen to me, since he was causing a problem with the neighbors...so sad. But again, as hard as I try to just ignore him, in my heart I can't stand the tension and always cave!!!! He will punish me till I apologize or admit that he is right. He has rarely ever given in, very stubborn man, and as you all have said, probably won't get any better. I'm so thankful to have this place to turn, thank you all!!!
mimiS FTD is so hard to live with. They can still present well until challenged. Nothing is wrong with them and the problem is never theirs. Must be difficult living in a world where you are the only person right.
mimiS - Your daughter's response sounds like that of a woman who knows how hurtly and damaging the abuse is. Your son's is typical of a man who sees nothing wrong. It is interesting the two responses since they both grew up with his anger. But, then again, it is typical that boys do not see with the same eyes as girls. My brother, just a year older, watched my dad beat me but does not remember it that way. I would have welts and hand prints but he only saw a simple spanking.
I would lean towards you daughter's responses because she knows better what you are going through.
This question has caused me some concern. Remember last year, when my daugher told me that she doesn't know why I put up with IT (DH behavior). She told me that I should divorce him, if I don't like the way he acts. My response to her was, "If I do that, will you be the person taking care of him when he gets really bad and needs more help?" She didn't like that at all. She doesn't see that there is a problem and feels that he is doing this all on purpose. Son, on the otherhand, is quite excepting of the situation and very patient with DH. Probably because he is around our house more. He actually doesn't like it when I "make light" of something that DH has said or done. He feels that I am being disrespectful and making fun of DH. I personally feel that son is being way more supportive than daughter. My feeling is that DH probably has FTD, will probably not be diagnosed, and will probably continue to act out and cause me much heart ache. I will continue to take care of him and will not try to "make him change" because I know that he probably doesn't realize that he has a problem. I also know that if I act Sad, act Angry, act Tired, or say someting to him like " stop acting like a two-year-old," that it will make my life even harder for a period of time. The more that I act pleasant, the easier my life is.
My advic,e MimiS, is to keep your life and interaction with your huaband as calm as possible while, at the same time, avoid any situation that could cause you physical harm. Keep a house key and cell phone (charged) on you at all times.I know that there are others here who feel this way. I don't understand how anything that I were to say or do would "change" my DH. And, NO, I am not going to divorce him.
I like the idea of him visiting the daughter for a few days. She might understand that you are not able to direct you DH to do anything.
My final advice is to think about these questions: Does you husband listen to and remember your conversations? Is he open to and will he act on directives from you? Does he have the ability to understand how he is treating you? Is he sorry for how he has treated you? Do you plan on taking care of him to the end?
mimis= i feel for you living like this so early in the disease. get with his dr and hopefully he can prescribe something for you to give him *(slip him by any means necessary) when you need to. there is nothing in the rules that say you have to listen to the belittling raging comments and verbal abuse. if you intend to stay with him for the duration the only way is to get thru this via pharmacology. so many of us had to resort to 'slipping' them a a dosed medication to calm them down and become manageable. be creative in how to get them to take it. in ice cream, in pudding, or applesauce, etc. these terrible stages dont always last and once they tend to move into more docile times you can eliminate the meds you may have needed. for those of us who have been at this for many years, i believe most of us have resolved to make it thru the horror by any means possible to keep our sanity = best of luck.
First, remember . . . . it is the disease. It doesn't make the bad behavior go away but sometimes it helps when you are in it. Remember your safety first and foremost and that of your children. When my husband when through his mean streak I had a tough time. I even had to step in between my husband and my mother thinking he was going to take a swing at her. I found that if I spoke calmly and agreed that he was right with everything, it could help defuse it but it always surfaced again. It might be time to have a chat with his doctor and adjust his medications.
minis - can I relate to the nastiness. I too think their real personality comes out when they get this disease.
What I do is when he gets nasty - We always had a rule that if you don't like how this marriage is going the door is always open. We didn't want the other one living here and not want to be here and wasting mine and his life. So I point to the door and say "don't let the door hit you on the a## on the way out". He usually storms out and goes to his workshop and after afew minutes he "forgets" and comes back and is fine.
Let go and let God!!! I won't waste any time, energy, or emotion on things I have no control over. If he gets violent, I will knock him on his ass , but I won't let the door hit him in the ass on his way out because then I would have to go and look for him. And I have put his meds in yogurt, applesauce, and ice cream. Whatever works!!! God love him, he was always looking for a fight when he was a teenager. It was because he was so short - 5' and he grew a big attitude to compensate for it. Some things never change but I love him all the same!