Within the last couple of days the subject of wedding vows has come up in topics.
H and I were married by clergy. But, in our vows, we did not address love, sickness, or health.
In fact, the conclusion to our vows, which we wrote ourselves, was this, (or close to it): " I promise to you, to those here, and most of all, to God, that I will make your dreams come true."
And then: " ___ and ___ have asked here that they be granted the privilege of marriage, and by the power vested in me by the State of ___________, I pronounce them husband and wife".
Ah! youth!, but I can't claim that, neither of us were that young.
I don't have to say anything to anyone here about dreams and what can happen to them.... but what were your vows and wedding like? What did you promise, or affirm, and how do you feel about it now?
We were married 11 days after meeting so nothing fancy. Had to go to Vanc., WA to get married cause Oregon required blood test and 7 day wait - Washington just 3 days. Had my pastor contact the pastor of a church in Vanc. and had a quick wedding with the standard vows.
I think we spoke the standard vows. But I distinctly remember the pastor referring to our marriage as a "covenant with God." I think he said that at least ten times during the ceremony. My DH and I still joke about it, "Hey hon, don't you feel like what we have is special - sort of like a covenant with God?" But all joking aside, that is how we view it.
Standard liberal Protestant type of thing. No obeying, no "man and wife." I would have nixed all that. I do recall that we chose a biblical verse that emphasized friendship, and our pastor made that the theme of his message in the ceremony.
At this point, I'm not sure what I'd attribute my steadfastness in this caregiving process to. A covenant with God? I don't know, maybe...but only in the sense that I would extend the same covenant (defined as commitment to care for family) to any other people in my purview. It feels like the proper order of things for a human to me, and is not necessarily dependent upon a strong religious conviction, although it makes sense that a commitment to care could/should be part of a religious covenant, if applicable. I am less interested in religion per se, these days, than I am in the belief that we creatures need to make a choice about what sort of humans we want to be, then be it.
Interesting what young people think about Abby...that you two would promise to make each other's "dreams come true." I trust you had not had any dreams about AD at that point! I sure had not.
I cannot really recall the exact wording of my wedding vows, and fortunately it was not recorded, so I would need a team of Philly lawyers to decipher exactly what I committed to. But, in essence, it really did not matter. I was in love, and that determined my tenacity to stay with my dw regardless of what happened. Love was the key ingredient, and that never wavered. Yes, I did hate the az dw at times, but I loved the person who I knew was hiding behind the eoad. If vows were so important, there would be less divorces. After all, they are broken each time someone divorces, so it cannot be an iron clad commitment. However, Love is the glue that holds us together and allows us to continue as caregivers in the worse possible conditions. Love is the true reason that we take care of our spouses, and enable us to suffer immensely on their behalf. So, continue to love your spouse because the time is short, and you will then be left with loving a memory.
Ours too were the standard vows, and I do remember they said until DEATH us do part(not until AD us do get). But you know back then I was 16 and he was 18,we never heard of AD so even if that had been included,it probably would not have stopped us. Most gave us odds of a year or two together,little did they know that sometimes young LOVE is the forever kind and after 45 years and all our troubles even AD we are still here.And somewhere behind this horrible AD devil,my young and forever love is still there....And I will try my best to honor those till death do us part vows. It just sometimes worries me which one death will take out first!!!!!!
I wonder how many of us really paid attention to what we were saying. There was so much fuss and planning I think I would have promised anything. However-to me a commitment is a commitment.
The only part of the vows I remember is the "love, honor, and obey" part. I told the minister I wanted him to say "love, honor, and cherish". He agreed, but during the ceremony he said obey. Rather than call a halt to the whole thing, I agreed. I'll admit I haven't always stuck to that part of what I promised.
Janet, my Dad (minister) married DH and I (second marriage for both of us). He did say "love, honor and cherish" - then he said , "I knew better than to include 'obey' in this ceremony; this is my daughter and I know her"! LOL He was right! We've been married 38 years.
He also performed the wedding with my first husband - and I'm almost sure he said "obey" in that one. We were divorced after 14 years.
I was thinking about this too. Yes, if I had known he was going to get AD, I would have married him. I was in love with the great guy he was, enough I think, to have committed to the hardships now.
We had a big Hawaiian outdoor thing with the whole (small) town there, 12 years ago. Wanted to do city hall but others would not have it. I am not much of a traditionalist, so just "went with the flow" A coconut lined path to the grassy hill "alter", sunny and hot and ocean view.
It was fun. And I meant it, until death do us part. In sickness and in health.
Phranque* said: Love is the glue that holds us together and allows us to continue as caregivers in the worse possible conditions. Love is the true reason that we take care of our spouses, and enable us to suffer immensely on their behalf.
This is so true. I don't see how someone could go through what we do if there weren't love. My wife has been the only woman in my life since I was 14 (I'm now 80), so there has been plenty of time to develop strong love. She still occasionally will tell me that I'm "wonderful" and rub my back.
I think my wife and I got married at about the same time that Henry VIII wanted his divorce and the Church wouldn't give it to him. We were typical southern protestants and repeated the standard vows. Didn't even give it a thought. We wanted to get married and that is the way it was done and everyday (almost) did it the same way. It would have been socially unacceptable among our friends and family to do it any other way. Now, my Granchildren wouldn't think of repeating the vows that we used.
However, they worked for us and we will have (not celebrate) our 59th anniversary on Feb 25. Over the years, we have had a lot of light hearted moments over the "obey" part. It was never a problem. Momma only did it when she wanted to or when whatever we were discussing was her idea in the first place. But, that didn't keep me from laughing about it and reminding her what the Preacher said.
Congratulations! Look at all the couples who never make it to 33 years either because breakup or death. Spend the rest of the day reminiscing about all the fun you had through the years. Look at dh and pretend even for a very few minutes that nothing has changed. Make the day count!
We will have been married 46 years in April. Before I knew a thing about Alz. and DH was bad tempered, mean and nasty I gave serious thought to leaving. I don't even know why I didn't! All that was 12 t0 15 years before actual dx. There are days like today I wonder why I didn't leave! I guess I was lucky in a way because although DH would threaten me he never carried out any of the threats. Of course I always fought back and told him if he laid a finger on me I would call the police, he would go to jail and when he got out everything he owned would be GONE.
My last two anniversary dates were like that- no recognition from H. Certainly it is not going to happen for any in the future- our anniversary is in the fall. Sending you kind thoughts and best wishes.
I think about you often because you and I are very close in age and H also has FTD. I hope there has been some comfort for you in this day. I think you are a stronger person than I am.
In general, I have been thinking about our wedding more than almost ever in the last few days, based, I think, on the topic of vows brought up here.
Based on comments above: I remember an "elderly" relative commenting to one of our parents, "I never heard of such a thing, I never heard one mention of love, honor, cherish and obey; instead I heard all this talk about companionship, courage, the moon, and the tides." (H and I were studying Buddhism and tried to incorporate some of it.)
We gave out little bells to ring at the conclusion of the ceremony and that remains just about my favorite thing.
There is a 35 year age difference between Lynn and I. It was logical that something would happen to Lynn and make me a young widow. Logic however has very little to do with matters of the heart, at least mine. I remember how shocked my family was when I finally told them I was dating Lynn, and moving in with him. My poor mother, she did not take it well! But it was my Dad I feared telling the most......
When I told him I stepped back a few steps, not for fear of him hitting me, but I just didn't want a close look into his eyes. My Dad was a man of few words, but his eyes truly were windows into his soul. I could look into his eyes and clearly see what was in his heart and mind. I though for sure that being a Daddy's girl that he would go all "Army" on my butt. But he didn't, and I will never forget what he said to me....
He walked closer to me, took my face in his hands, he then said, "Nikki, does he make you happy, is he good to you?" To which I of course said yes! Then he said " Do you truly love this man?" To which I passionately replied, "with all that I am Dad". My Dad then shocked us all by simply stating, "What more could a father want for his daughter?!! I wish you every happiness. When is the wedding?" Just when you think you know someone!
Our wedding was simple, held in my Grandmother's backyard, the lilacs surrounding us and adding to the beauty of the day. We were married by one of Lynn's best friends, a justice of the peace. I had a poem I had written that I had planned on reading. We each had written a few vows to go along with the traditions "love, honor and cherish" ... when the justice of the peace asked if there was anything I wanted to say, in my nervous panic I blurted out "No! Hurry this up!" Everyone still laughs about that to this day.
I didn't need to site my vows, my words of love, in front of my family, the clergy, the justice of the peace, nor God. Lynn knew what was in my heart, and I in his. Even knowing that the odds were high that I would lose Lynn, that I wouldn't be able to grow old with him, I didn't care. Simply, he is the love of my life. And I as reasoned, tragedies happen every day to young people, why should I miss out on this true love for fear it could be taken from me? I still believe that and am still so very grateful for all the years we have had together. Such a blessing. One that even Alzheimer's can't touch.
I love Lynn as much today as the day I married him. I love him for he was then, who we became together, and who he is now. I am always asked if I knew then, what I know now, would I have still married Lynn. I am no longer a child of 18 but a woman of 44 and I still say Yes! without a doubt. The pain of Alzheimer's does not diminish the love we shared. The good still far outweighs the bad.
I just wanted to add that in 2004 we renewed our vows. We knew something was wrong, we prayed it wasn't Alzheimer's, but feared it was. Lynn was a religious man, me more spiritual. For our wedding he had wanted to be married in a church, I wanted to be married outside. I won that argument by pointing out to Lynn his previous marriages were in a church and ended in divorce court. I pointed out that God is everywhere, and I wanted to be married by the lilacs, my favorite flowers.
When we renewed our vows, Lynn got his way. He was in the early stages. We knew something was wrong, but kept hoping it was from the car accident he had. It was important to Lynn that we be married in the "eyes of church, in case something bad happened". It became very important to him, therefore it was important to me. For reason only he truly knows he became very peaceful after our church wedding. Looking back, I am glad I was able to bring him that measure of peace. I renewed our vows knowing full well that he could have, and most likely did have some form of dementia,
Nikki, I enjoy hearing your stories. You are so different from me. (This is not to be construed as a bad thing!) I don't think I'll be FULLY willing to take memories of the good years out of the box I've locked them in until "after," when the stiff spine I need to keep trudging along is no longer needed.
Nikki your writings are beautiful and your soul has no bounds of love and kindness. The love you feel for Lynn is like the love I have for Rick........to have loved a man that loves me more than himself is the gift that strengthens my spirit everyday. I ask myself as i read many of our journeys......would I marry and be here knowing what I know now. A resounding Yes for this path is mine for what ever the reasons .....I love this man and I know that I am here to help,guide and care for him. This is not to say it's not all difficult, exhausting and not without pain. It is what it is and it's not fair for the Alz person or caregivers. But knowone said life was fair but it's worth giving it the best you can to those your love. Now to go clean the bathroom .......the not pretty part but his smile is what I look for each day and I know each day I get that beautiful smile and laugh is a gift and Alzheimers will not let me have forever but in my heart.
I enjoy reading the experiences, and feelings, of each and everyone of you. It is somethings I look forward to doing every morning and you cheer me up a little bit.
Nikki: I agree with Terry54 above inre your writing. It reminded me that my DW and I also renewed our vows in the Church because we had gotten married in my parents home and she always wanted a church wedding. I also new that something was going wrong with her, but, didn't know what it was. Looking back, that was probably the last really happy event in her life. For that, I am thankful.
Like many others, I wanted a "small, intimate" wedding-only a few people and definitely not in a church. It was important to DH to have a church wedding and a big reception. I decdied that if it was important to him, how could I deny him that happiness? So we did the big wedding thing (actually medium). The vows were traditional (love, honor, cherish). I have never regretted having the church wedding and reception - have ave always enjoyed looking at the photos chronicaling the event, and now that DH has dementia (FTD) I truly cherish that we had the church wedding, etc. During these challenging times, it is wonderful to look back and see the love and happiness we shared. Yes, I would marry him again, even knowing what I know today.
These postings (Yes, including yours Phranque*) bring back the happy times and the things that we enjoyed with our spouse's. I mentioned previously that one of our fun or light moments was about her saying the word "obey". She never did unless she wanted to or it was something she wanted in the first place. But, we never took it seriously. Laughed and went on our way. The other thing we enjoyed was that she would (devilishly) tell me to get up and go make her a living. She actually worked most of our married life, but, that was still a light hearted moment. After retirement, I used to remind her of that saying and tell her that I didn't know any better, so I just did it. In our childhood, it was more common for our Fathers to wrork outside the home and for Mother to stay home and raise the kids. My generation was the ones that really changed all of that.
Anyhow, those were good times. Hard, but, we made it. Hooray for us.
Emily, we could be more alike than you think. Though I always still felt the deep love for Lynn through our entire journey, there was a loooong period of time when I could not think of the past we had shared. It just hurt too damn much. Somehow I was able to block those memories from surfacing, well most of the time. It wasn't until after I placed Lynn that the feelings starting coming back, they hit me like a 2x4. Over and over again the onslaught of emotions I didn't want to feel kept haunting me, to the point I thought I would surely break from the pain.
Looking back on it three years later,, I believe the reason the feelings exploded that way was because for years and years while caring for Lynn at home , he acted like he hated me… He was mean, uncooperative, combative, aggressive and he was abusive- both verbally and physically. Even then, I loved him. But I was certain that the Alzheimer’s (insert swear word) that took over residence in my dear sweet husband felt nothing but hate for me.
So you can imagine the shock it was that once placed “My Lynn” resurfaced. He was sweet, loving, clingy. He knew my name, he spoke only words of love. He wouldn’t let the staff help him, he only wanted me. He was kind and gentle. And my shattered heart, broke a little bit more. My walls came crumbling down. My aching, thirsty soul clung to every word of love.
At that time, it still hurt too much to be able to think of who we use to be together… but wow, to FEEL the love returned, that was simply amazing.
Only in this past year, have the pleasant memories started to surface again. Ahhhh they are so beautiful to recall!! They wash over me in gentle waves, soothing my wounded heart.
I think I can feel and experience these memories now because I have mourned the lose of Lynn, of us, for so long. I have accepted that loss and I grieved like a widow would when he was placed. I have come to love this man who talks to his stuffed dog and laughs out loud at cartoons. He isn’t the man I married, but I know without a doubt “My Lynn” is still here with me. I see glimpses of him every single day. I am not drowning in the pain now, I think that is why the memories are coming back to me now.
Nikki: Thank you for posting this. Before my DW went into the nursing home, she had gone from a loving and kind wife to one of the most hateful people on the planet. She hated me, wanted a divorce, or wanted to go live with her sister (that she had never got along with) or just anything other than what we had and had been enjoying.
Even tho it was difficult, I posted my feelings (despair) at that time. About 2 years ago. As usual, some very wise and understanding people wrote messages of encouragement and comfort.
A few months after placement, she was an entirely different person. Now, she tells me over and over how much she loves me, wants to be with me, misses me, etc. Of course, she doesn't remember what she put me thru. But, thats OK because she couldn't help it. But, in all honesty, it sure hurt at the time.
I try not to think about that time in our lives. I just go past it to the happy times. Unlike your experience, this was easy for me because I have a tendency to bury or deny unpleasantries.
Nikki that is so beautiful, and makes so much sense.
My dh is at stage 5 and close to 6...(EOAD), and so far, does not get mean and angry. He was always kind but like most people could get a temper up. I told him in the beginning after DX...(Only 14 months ago!!!, though symptoms for a few years), ....I told him that I would do all I can, BUT IF HE GOT ANGRY too much, I would not take care of him. Maybe he knows this still.
Our wedding was nothing, my parents were the only people in attendance and I went to work that night. (night shift)
When we met we both felt like we had already been married for many, many years. Like finding an old lost shoe and discovering it still fits perfectly, we were just so 'comfortable' with each other from the beginning. We finally decided that this was not the first lifetime we had spent together and karma had brought us together again at this moment in time.
I have no memory or insight as to how 'that' marriage ended, but now with AD a part of this one I am sure there is some karma that must be resolved. . . . Maybe she cared for me back then and now it is my turn to care for her? There MUST be a reason for all this somewhere!