I would be the first to tell you that as long as you keep your comments to youself, things can go pretty good. And, I am really good at following this advice. Last night I broke that rule and boy did a little comment from me cause a big problem.
DH had wanted me to Google something that he saw on the DR OZ show. He knows that my "dial up internet" at home does not search DR OZ very well. However, if I remind him, then he thinks that I don't want to search for him (which I really don't), so I usually play along. It took me about 10 minutes to log on and get the internet going and then another 5 to Google this particular topic. DH was hanging over me watching the screen. He spotted the topic that he was looking for before I spotted. He told me that he saw it. I asked him where it was. He told me that he was not going to show me because I was smarter than him (or something like that) and he stomped out of the room and slammed the door. As he was slamming the door, I said "could you please not act like a 2-year-old?" I wish I could have keep my mouth shut.
After I spent 30 more minutes and could not get the video of the show up on the computer, I shut the computer down and went into the livingroom when he was sitting. I didn't know that he was upset, and I started telling him that I couldn't get the video up for him to watch. He told me that he didn't appreciate me talking to him like I did in the room. His mind really thinks that I called him a 4-year-old when he spotted the sebsite, and that that is why he left the room. He thinks that I then called him a 2-year-old and he told me that if I was going to talk to him like that that he just wasn't going to talk to me anymore. This all happened at 6:45. He left the room and watched TV in the bedroom and then moved to the guest room at 8:30 and went to sleep. I checked on him this morning and told him that I had coffee ready. He just looked at me and stayed in bed until I left for work. I always call him mid-morning and we visit. He really likes this phone call. When I called him this morning, he did not answer the phone.
All of this because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. When will we ever learn.
Oh, did I remind you that it is the full moon today??
Don't beat yourself up over it. We all do it. After I have gotten so frustrated I can't stand it anymore, I have yelled at Sid to "stop behaving like a 2 year old!" Then I come to my senses and realize I wouldn't tell a 2 year old to stop acting like a 2 year old. That's the level he's on now, and that's the way he's going to act. And we're going to say things to them sometimes that we shouldn't - my halo slips a lot.
Yep, we all do it, then feel pretty small for doing it afterwards. I get tired, exhausted or feeling down and at times like that my mind is slow to remember that my DW "would do it if she could". Then I feel sad for being impatient.
My patience is just about gone too...and I don't like being like this. Last night DH got hold of our front door keys..and as I'm scared he'll lose them or hide them as he does everything, I asked for them back. Well, no way was he going to give them back, said they were his, they are his life, if i don't like it to get out, get out of HIS house...everything is his. He told me not to try to be a master, and treat him like a little boy...swearing and shouting at me. I let it go and he fell asleep holding the keys, then during the night I heard them fall on the floor, I quietly got out of bed and picked them up and hid them. This morning it's like nothings happened, and he would swear black and blue, that it didn't happen. I'm so tired...so little sleep every night.
I get tired too..This morning DH had a breakfast date with a friend. Last night he said make sure I am up by 7 so I can shower and shave...As I am up early all the time, and my black cat is a great alarm clock....she really can tell time...tell her get me up at 5 she does, tell her to get me up at 6 and she gets me up at 5... anyway, getting DH up was not easy but he did manage to get his shower and come out all spiffy. Got his meds done and lucky his pal was, as usual, late! So off they went and were back about 2 hours later...Then the 11 PT came for a 45 minute workout. After that was over, DH said " wasn't I supposed to do something with Richard?" I told him he went to breakfast with him this morning...he was really confused about this whole thing.
I not only get tired, I get angry at the kids...I guess there has been some discussion among them about coming for his birthday. One sends me a msb via FB that she has her tickets..I post back..first I have heard of this...It is ok but here we go again...and then another FB msg about how it is all in the planning stages but one of the others has her plans and tickets I guess..but the last time anything was said the one in AFrica was coming in May for her son's college graduation..so what is going on? I guess I am supposed to be a mind reader. So I have gone quiet on FB for the most part and have not been on skype...and they are wondering whazup?? One said in a FB post, " well we just have such busy lives we just haven't connected well" Busy lives I'll say..off to Nashville for a week of recording and schmoozing with songwriters, another on safari's when not at work, another planning yet anothr trip to the US in the fall for some sort of festival and of course I am so busy with lots of fun things like oh doctor visits, running after meds, going for grub, getting the car in for tune up, cleaning the office space, cleaning the cat boxes, making beds and dusting and hoovering and nagging DH to get in the shower and change the clothes he was wearing for several days...and so on ..yes I have a full and satisfying life alright! Just can't wait to get up in the morning to start the same ol' s&*^% all over again. Yeppers..and they wonder why I might be cranky..God save us from fools!
I think the full moon thing is going on here as well.
I try to withdraw rather than participate in anything. With H, it is mostly over in a minute. I just want some time alone IN MY OWN HOUSE.
Every day though it comes back to this: can I deal or would I rather be pursuing guardianship and writing out a $5000 a month check for ALF. So far I am dealing but especially today, not very well.
I usually prevail in not yelling or confronting because I am afraid. I work out a bit and think if necessary I could "take him", and mostly worry about the companion animals. None of this is their fault, and one, especially, loves him so much...
I want to smack myself for managing my life so poorly that I have ended up in this situation.
ABBY, QUIT SMACKING YOURSELF...none of us could for see what a mess we would find ourselves in, some with EAOD and others with Alz coming on at various times or ages....Some of us "trophy wives" are going to be pretty beat us when this is done..
The thing that is so depressing about all of this is the realization that until this is over and I mean all over, no more p&P patrols at home, no more NH visits to make, only taking flowers to a certain spot will we have a chance to reclaim some kind of life and what a price has been paid by our LO and us..they will be at peace and we will be in pieces until we figure out " what next?"