I was driving home from work tonight, listening to the guy on the radio going on and on and on about Valentines Day. I don't know when I started crying, but I did. No more happy Valentines dinners, no body to try the new French Cafe in town with, no more dinner conversation, no more "how was you day", no more Happy Birthday, no more Happy Anniversay....no more ANYTHING! I'm so frickin' lonely, and I didn't even realize it! I've stuffed these feeling for such a long time, they all came bubbling up listening to that jack ass go on about Valentines Day. The realization that I have absolutely no life come to the surface. It's scary, and it's lonely. Anyone?
Wow! Diane V, I was having similar feelings just a few hours ago myself... It truly is a lonely existence when you think about it....and I usually suppress and "stuff" the feelings too. I just don't want to let myself lose control of them. It's not so much that I don't want to cry, but I really agree with you when you say it is scary....I am afraid of acknowledging the fact that I am in essence alone now. How awful it is to suddenly realize it....for all of us....over and over we realize it, and over and over we suppress and stuff the realization. It's too painful!
I think we are now visitors in a strange land, we see with new eyes what is important in life. We see the facade that the rest of the world puts up to delude themself from the reality they know exist, but never want to cross that thresshold. They live in denial of what life is really about. They allow themself to be focused rather on what Corporations want them to spend their energies on. We have had our eyes opened and we are free to see the world in a new light. I wonder why do we long to go back to the stupor that we were in before we were awaken to the this nightmare.
I agree, Nora. Holidays are contrived....but it's not the holiday that upsets me, it the fact that I have no life, nobody to talk to, share things with, relate to. I don't want this new light that I'm forced to live in. As for going back to a life without Alzheimers....I'm all in! We had a wonderful life, and now it's gone. I miss it, I miss my husband, my pre-Alz kids, my pre- Alz grand kids, my pre-Alz friends. They're all gone, living their lives, as they should, and I'm left dealing with this mess....alone. Visitors in a strange land....indeed. So glad I have all of you. I've been absent far too long, and I need to be here. Thanks to you all!
Valentine's Day always seemed pretty fabricated to me. Nevertheless, I had a similar moment that I posted on joan's last blog site about walking through Target and being hit that there are no more Valentine's Days for H and me. For that matter, no more birthdays, anniversary dates, whatever. It is just all gone. One day is the same as another. If it is a day absent hostility and confrontation and sarcasm, so much the better.
As posted on another topic (bluedaze*)? The disease always wins.
To echo myself, after prayers I start every day by remembering something about H from before, and then I affirm something I hope to do after. Does it work- how in the world would I know if I would be worse without it?
a psychoanalist would probably tell us that while yes we miss all these wonderful 'no mores' the real message for us in particular is that we all fear the dying event that awaits in the wings. the no more of cards, birthdays, anniversarys, etc is only the tip of the iceberg, the real heartbreak will be losing them forever. its very scary as those with the * already know.
DianeV, you have put into words what I have been thinking when you talk about pre-Alz kids, grandkids, friends. I know they are living their lives & they deserve to, but I don’t think they realize how lonely we are (or maybe they just try not to think of it). I also stuff the lonely feelings, but they surface so unexpectedly at times that, like you, all I can do is cry. Yes, thankful to come here where people understand.
Of course they don't realize your/our loneliness. Most people can't get beyond what's between their two ears. How much longer will we keep hoping. I've quit hoping "they'll realize". And if they did, so what? Will it make us/me feel better. I quit with that stuff. Please know this is not criticism. It's the only way I can get through this. And it's more than loneliness, its forced loneliness. I take my DW out for a meal and I don't really want to. I'd rather stay home, cook it and have the diversions of our home than sit in silence or do all the talking. But I do it anyway, for her. Have completely given up on trying to explain this sadness (for her) and loneliness for me. The people I know, are incapable. I would say we (all of us are suffering quietly) as many others are with diseases and misfortunes of other kinds. In my case, I can only try to improve my health, do my job and one day move on. I'll survive and you all will to but with a deep sadness. _ _ _ _ happens and it has happened to us. The only way I can face this is to absolutely not let the dreams and hopes of the healthy and normal effect me. I totally block it all out! I've already suffered so deeply for that stuff. If I don't then my depression deepens. I won't let. It's human to want to feel and love again, but just not NOW! It is not possible. I'm a male and I've decided the only way I can deal with this is think of it as a job, my job and I'm going to do it as best I can.
I'm sorry if this sounds too course. I'm sure you understand. I just can't give a darn weather others get it. I d o n ' t c a r e a n y m o r e. We are lonely. We have loved and continue to give love endlessly to our spouses in our own ways. We are strong . . . and lonely.
Well said...Makes sense to me. My DH's brother's wife had alz and I didn't understand at the time. I know now I could have been more helpful. It lets me be more tolerant with family and friends who do not know what it is like.
we have learned so much since we all came to this site. I too soolow, have given up trying to make anyone understand. And like you said Bama, we saw it from the outside before, and did not really get it.
I was SO ANGRY a fews months back, and that has subsided. However, it is lonely, that is just something that goes with the territory.
I also have had good healing thoughts, and am trying to find a way to learn stand up paddling after our market with a girlfriend. I need to find a place to take dh for that. It will happen, and I know, that getting in the water and doing something FUN will make it easier to bear.
love you guys. this is my little corner of the world that feels so right.
I find that the good Lord always gives me a break when I need it! There has been many a night when I have curled up next to him and it almost felt like it used to be. Try it! I swear it works. ElaineH, I used to cry A LOT! I was so devastated at all of this and the thought of losing him. I don't seem to do that anymore. I guess it's acceptance of the fact that this disease will eventually take him and nothing will alter that. I just have come to the point where I hope if he must die, that it will be quick and painless. I really don't want him to linger like this forever.