Yesterday, my husband was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, a urinary tract infection, failing kidneys, and several large pressure sores on one foot and his buttocks. He was in a board and care for the last two months and when I returned from a five day respite, I went to see him and he was jerking violently, he had been placed on pureed food and he looked terrible. He went in weighing't 141 and was now 120 lbs. I was outraged and insisted that we take him to his PCP. After arriving, the doctor said that there was definetly something wrong even though at the time his vitals were normal. By the time he was admitted his temp was 104. The next 24 hours are crucial even though he isn't responding well to the antibiotics.
I am devastated to say the least and feeling horribly guilty. I placed him in this board and care (which came highly recommended) in December because he was still walking and moving about but became increasingly difficult and would fight me and his caregiver when we tried to change him or bathe him. I couldn't physically care for him any longer. This home was four blocks away and I visited him every day. I started to notice a decline and was upset at some things that the home was doing, like leaving him in a recliner for hours on end. He had developed the foot sore so they would not let him walk anymore. He became weaker.
Would he have declined this rapidly had he been home? I don't know and perhaps I never will. He has an Advanced Health Directive with a DNR and we discussed it. But let me tell you, carrying out his wishes will not be easy. The doctor's say even if he survives, he will never go back to where he was before he got sick. I knew this day would come. A part of me says it is for the best considering his disease (Alzheimer's). But I don't want to let go. I want to hang on and hold his hand and touch his face, even if he no longer knows me. I want the comfort of his existence. I don't want to live in this life without him but I know I must. God, I hate this disease. My lover, my partner, my best friend is slipping over the precipice and I can't hold onto him.
Savedele, I read your previous posts to refresh my memory about your husband. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but the time does come, no matter what we do, or don't do. Please don't beat ourself up. You've been dealing with this for a long time, and you've done a good job, and none of us can do more than we can do. I'll keep you both in my prayers.
Savedele - sorry your hb has taken a turn for the worse. I pray you do not have to make the decision right away, that he will pull through this crisis. If not, know it is his time.
DO NOT feel guilty. There will always be the questions if you did all you could, or would it have happen if I had stayed home, if, if , if....
Thank you all for your kind support. You most of all, bluedaze. You are right. The disease will win. But as I am sure you all know, we as caregivers, spouses have battled, bargained, cajoled and tried to keep the inevitable at bay. I was loving, gentle and patient and I was angry, frustrated and sometimes a not very nice caregiver at times. I hate what this disease has done to my once strong, virile husband but more than that I hate what it has done to me. We have battled this disease for six years. Not a long time compared to others but it seems like an eternity. We prepare, we read, we feel we can handle all that is in front of us....but as we, brothers and sisters in this fight, know too well, each day takes it's toll on them and on us.
savadele, please do not beat yourself up over this. You did exactly what any of us would have or have done. This is a battle you cannot win. You have been a trooper and kept up a good fight, but it is time to just kiss him, caress him and soothe him. He has a mulitude of physical ailments along with the AD. This is not your doing, it is nature taking its job too seriously. It it time for both of you to take a deep breath and rest. Arms around you. I am praying that God will grant you peace and acceptance. Lean on God and your friends.
The weight loss is very dramatic, I wonder if this is a blessing. I know that it is very difficult to sit and wait for the end of this dreadful disease. May God bless you at this time.
I am so very sorry you are having to go through this. My heart is breaking for you. You have done your best, all any one of us can do. Be kind to yourself, and my you know that many are thinking of you. You are in my prayers.
Oh savadele I am so sorry you and he are having to go through this , there is not much more I can add to the above, and I too , pray for you and your husband. As others have said, PLEASE DO NOT FEET GUILTY!!! Look what you have had to endure, how much you cared for him, and then, it was just too much.
savadele, please know you and your husband are also in my thoughts and prayers. Guilt should not enter the picture (tho I am sure I would feel the same...we are human, and cannot help it). At this stage of the illness, it doesn"t take long for further declines to take place. Do not blame yourself...you have done the best you could do for your DH.
so sorry to hear of his decline. may you both find peace - guilt seems to be part of it however we manage. i dont think there is any way out of having these feelings. divvi
Savadele: I am also sorry that you are having to go thru this. Reading your blog made me sad because our dr's have been very up front in telling me that this (the end one way or another) is coming and it reminds me that I will have to face the same heartaches, disappointments, etc. that you are facing now. No matter how bad it gets, I do not want to give her up.