I recently had a chance encounter with a friend whose DW passed away after her long AZ journey. He told me that he was glad to have been able to care for her til the end. He did not express any bitterness and stated it as a matter of some satisfaction.(He was moving on with his life and has found a new lady friend) I'm sure he had gone through the usual hell of the journey but at this time he was looking back upon it as something he was glad to have been able to do for her. It's a simple idea really and I sense that there are a lot of us in the trenches who understand and at least at times share the sentiment. I was very moved ( and I hope somewhat strengthened) by his sharing. If you have any thoughts on "keeping on keeping on" please share.
Andres, since my hb's diagnosis my emotions have been all over the place. From denial to anger to sadness, self pity, finally coming around to acceptance. You see I kept thinking about his mothers AD and how long she lived with it, over 15 yrs. from her diagnosis. But now I am at a different place, I think of it more as a loving relinquishment, a willingness to give up my agenda and honor the vows I made before God, for better or worse, in sickness or health til death. I am in no way the "perfect" caregiver and I,too, have my days when it is overwhelming. But, at the end of the day ,and I really try to focus on just one day at a time, I also have peace of heart that this is my last loving gift to my mate. I truely want to honor him this way. If you haven't read "A Promise Kept" you are missing something!
It is very hard sometimes, but andy put it so wonderfully-this is my last gift to my husband and although I am not always the patient caregiver, I am doing this out of love for him and to honor my vows. I am a work in progress - working on "loving relinquishment".
I don't think I ever felt denial or anger,maybe sadness. But I expected this,FIL died over 50 yrs.ago,only in his 60's. from AZ,only it was called hardening of the arteries or something. But I am sure it was AZ and I always thought DH would fall victim also. I also find peace of mind caring for DH and doing whatever I can to keep him happy and comfortable. I guess I prepared myself a little ahead of time if that is possible,we are never prepared for the reality of AZ.
I haven't been commenting much lately, but reading and taking in all that is written here...taking strength from what I read.. Patience is the one thing that I have lost recently...I'm thinking, "I can't take much more"...I'm so angry at myself, and cry myself to sleep after a bad day, when I have yelled at him and just about given up on DH. Reading this thread brings home the vows and words that we said to each other nearly 50 years ago, "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part"...now I pray I can see this through remembering these words.. I've had a really bad few days...just can't leave him out of my sight for a minute...thank goodness it's day care today. Thank you Andy..very moving.
I am not sure what is going on with me these days..I seem to have nightmares now that make me wake up trying to call out to my DH. One of these times I am going to make sense...Fear is a funny thing...I wonder sometimes, if one were faced with something so fearsome, would one be able to scream for help...it doesn't seem to work in the sleep..then some sounds come out but make no sense. Anyone else get nightmares that are so scary they wake you up? Mine usually have something to do with someone trying to break in the house...it might stem from having been stalked when I was in my 20s and DH not being able to be the savior he once was. I am seriously thinking of having my house alarmed.