We refer to guilt a lot on these threads. For placing our LO; for keeping them home too long; for sending them to Day Care; for not sending them to Day Care. We claim guilt for not taking better care of them; for getting help in; for not getting help in. We are so hard on ourselves we claim guilt for living and/or for wanting to have a life---if not now, later. I looked the word up in Webster’s: Definition of GUILT 1: the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly : guilty conduct 2a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : SELF-REPROACH 3: a feeling of culpability for offenses
Personally, I don’t believe any of us, as Caregivers, are guilty of anything, applying the first definition. Nor does “ part a” of the second definition apply to us. The second part of definition 2 may come into play for us. It’s possible to feel the weight of guilt—responsibility, culpability-- out of a sense of inadequacy. We may feel it for what we perceive as offenses (our vision, not necessarily real). We need to clear our thinking in terms of guilt. We commit no offense, not by thought, intent, nor action. The one part of the definitions of guilt we might feel, is the sense of being culpable for imagined offenses or a sense of inadequacy.
But, if we look at the job we’ve taken on and really look at all we have to do we need to cut ourselves some slack. The care of someone with dementia really requires a team. Realistically, no one single person can do all that’s required. This may cause a sense of inadequacy , and rightly so. But “guilt” never. Where there is harmful intent or action, there can be guilt. Otherwise, what we feel is a huge sadness overlaying our fear, frustrations and anger. We have had an impossible task placed on us, and we are standing up under it. We do our absolute best to get our LOs through the ravages of the disease with dignity and respect. We come into the fight with no knowledge, no training, no tools or weapons. All we have is our love for our LO. We educate ourselves, we learn by trial and error, and by sharing what we learn with each other. We constantly search for more ways, new ways to help our LOs. Sometimes we are successful in our efforts, sometimes not. But, we don’t stop. When necessary we realized our individual efforts aren’t adequate for our LOs needs and we must enlist help—Day Care or Placement. There is no inadequacy in doing that. There are always battles in a war, which require additional troops. As the Commanders in our LOs battles, we need to embrace that idea. There is no guilt in that, either.
When all is said and done. at the end, when our LO has passed on and defeated the disease, been freed of its insidious destruction, we need to hold our heads high, and through the tears of our loss, smile and claim our victory. The Dementia Demon failed to destroy the essence of our LO. It lives on in the hearts and memories of those they loved and who loved them. We are the ones who made sure that happened. I will gladly be guilty of that.