Jeff's PCA (visual variant of AD) allows him to be a little more "with it" than some, given the rather advanced state of decline his visuospatial processing has reached. Even though he sometimes thinks he's as fine as ever, he acknowledges that 1) He has a degenerative condition, and 2) That if it becomes unmanageable for me, I should place him. I have avoided discussing it. I don't like to dwell on subjects that can be depressing, but since today was bound and determined to be kind of depressing anyway, I went ahead and talked about it.
What I wondered was whether he wanted to preview places so he would have an opinion for future reference. He thinks this is an ok idea. I'm not sure if it's an ok idea or not, even though I had the idea.
I guess we could try it, and if we find it too difficult we can shelve the idea, go get dinner and a beer, and forget it for now.
AI think the real issue with NH is the staff, and you do not know who you are going to get. I really would prefer a place that did not look as nice if the staff was really into their job. My recent placement of Sandra has convinced me of this. She went to the same place as last time, but this time the staff on the westside of the building seemed to be more attentive and really care about her. I was told that I should send her back to the same place but make sure she was on the west wing. I do not know how you evaluate something like that till you are in the thick of it. The place is clean and smells good. But it was the staff that made me feel good about it. The staff I mean is the lowest paid grunts that actually do the work and come face to face with your LO.
The staff/patient rapport was a crucial factor in the choices I made when signing DH forwaiting lists. Even the adminstrativestaff knew paients by name and would acknowledge them witha comment,"How are you today?" or a hug. One placeInxedlookedlike pictures from a Interior Design boo, but the staff showing us around didn't even have the courtesy to ask, before showing us a patient's room, closet, dresser, john and all. A simple comment that"I'm showing these folks around. May I show them how your room's set up?" These patients weren't "gone"yet.
Emily: Under the right circumstances and depending on your feelings of how your husband is doing at the time, this might be a good idea. My DW did not even know that she was being placed until I drove her up to the front door and our children were waiting for us. Her neuro, our children, and I made all of the decisions. Is that the best way? Not for everybody, but, it was for us.
I do not cry but one of the times I was tearful was on my way to look at the first possible place for H. Possible only because my H does not want to go to ALF so maybe he will stay home with 24/7 and I will be the one to go.
Anyway. There was no real possibility that he would go there as a look-see. I liked it very much, but had some reservations. If I remember correctly your H is young. Mine is not yet 55 and clearly he would be out of age range of the "average" resident. The place in general, the apartments (because each has a private bath and mini-kitchen), private and with nice views; great. It is constructed on a quad principal, with four rooms opening off each. Some are entertainment quads and some are reading quads. I have chosen the floor and quad (reading) that I think would be best for him and am on a waiting list. Which is all moot if he refuses to go.
Why would he refuse? Aside from general orientation I think the two things that would hold him back would be the age of the residents. On the average he is younger than 20 years. The other would be the music, which I am sure is meant to be soothing but would not work for him and seems to be constantly piped throughout. Cure? Depeche Mode? David Bowie? Spandau Ballet? I have only been to three but surely none featured anything in that genre. Other posters have mentioned the importance of music, and classical music he would like, but not music from the 50's or 60's, which I think would just agitate him.
On the positive side; three meals plus snacks. Oh yeah. He would like that, especially since the places I visited featured menu selections. The places themselves say they are built on the model of concierge service at a hotel, and yes, H would like that!
Not sure he'd be able to manage with too much walking-around space anyway. He gets lost going from the kitchen to the bathroom in the house where we've lived for 25 years. So it would have to be small, with staff who know everyone and are quick to steer you in the right direction or help you get your pants on right if you forgot them.
just a general question but if you place a spouse in a ALF or nursing home and they have to 'agree' to go... (no guardianship or proof of incompentence ) what happens if they go and say are agreeable for 2months say and then want to GO HOME? especially if the places cant keep them against their will.would you lose your deposits ? i think this would be a major factor to know if they would stay permanently or not and how it affects the contract /deposit arrangement. that could be very pricey if it didnt work out. divvi
The one place I spoke to today, which is a small private facility which only accepts Alz residents, requires a $5K deposit which is non-refundable. So I'm going to assume the answer, at least in that case, is yes--you would lose your deposit.
It is one of the "perks" of caregiving, that even taking tiny steps in the direction of this process makes me feel like there's something wrong with me as a person.
The two ALF's I checked wanted deposits to have DH's name on the list. One was $2,000.00 the other was $3,000.00 and the second one stated it was "non refundable" plus I would have to furnish either place. For what it would end up costing it is cheaper to have in home help. I am not at all sure DH would agree to go anyway. He is still with some things, he isn't reall happy having someone come to our home while I get a break. Mainly because he thinks he doesn't need anyone to stay with him.
In ASL where my sister is you must give one month notice if you are leaving or pay for that month. It was the same in the other state where she was in ASL. ( I'm assuming it wouldn't be the same if you passed away.)
Both facilities where I had my husband had a clause in the contract stating if the time came when they could no longer meet the needs of the resident I had 30 days to find another place-and no refund. I even had to fight to get money I had paid for the month ahead.
I had DH admitted to an ALF memory unit on a respite basis (1 month) to deterime if it would work for him and us. I was required to put down a 1 month security deposit, which I did. DH eloped 2 weeks after admission and the ALF refused to take him back. Orignally they declined to refund me the balance of the deposit (2 weeks) but agreed to when or attorney contacted them that they could not and did not keep him safe. Of course the atty fees ate into the deposit money I received, but I was using him anyway to deal with DH's behaviors and possible future placement.
My very limited experience has been this: I am on a waiting list with no deposit required. The rent is month to month at the ALF I liked the best. A first and last deposit with no buy in.
I was told a resident could not be "kicked out"; that there are various levels of care, with increasing fees per month. The facility will accommodate any hospice a resident may choose. The secure unit is not what I would choose at this time. Like you, Emily, I have many mixed feelings.
Some of these feelings are that I have too much legal power and other feelings are that I do not have enough power since H could legally stay in his home with no care if that is his choice.
divvi, I have been told by the care manager that once someone is a resident of an ALF it is a matter of practicality concerning how to keep them there. At least where H and I are located it would work like this: once a resident, within 30 days his ADL status would be evaluated, along with previous doc notes, tests and other documentation. If decided that IL was not possible, a guardian could be appointed.
This is the likely progression for my H. N really thinks ALF should be soon if not now. N thinks this would be far better than waiting until NH is the only option.
Currently H refuses ALF and refuses day care and these are his legal rights.
Last night I talked to the director/founder of a place near (well, nearish...20 min drive,) us. It was a good discussion. I came away with the impression that it's better if I visit without him. I will probably just stuff this all on a back burner for the time being as I cannot really sort my mind out enough to think about it. The point that sticks with me though, was that it helped her husband (now deceased) to be somewhere with the social availability of others like him. It seems so dreary here, sometimes, with just me (especially as I am, for my own sanity, distracted by my own tasks.)