Today's Blog is about counseling to cope with the changes Alzheimer's Disease brings to your marriage and your spouse's personality. In our case it was for THE BIG ONE - the end of driving. I invite you to go to the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com, read it, and comment here.
Thank you for your patience - I know it was a day late in posting, but the trauma of dealing with the past few days trumped writing the blog on time. I'm sure you understand.
Joan, it sounds like you are doing your very best. I applaud you. I have been seeing a counselor as well and it has been helpful just to have someone listen. But now I am at the point where I need someone who is specifically trained to deal with our situation. How did you find your counselor?
I was fortunate that in the early days of my husband's dementia-he got lost returning from a trip to the barber shop and walked in the house, put his keys on the table and said - "there is too much traffic to not know where I am going...I am done driving." That was it. I didn't believe he really gave it up so I kept his insurance for a year after that but he never drove again. As his dementia progressed, he is no longer ABLE to drive but he was very responsible about it. He has his license still in his wallet but never tries to drive. We sold the second car and I drive his Buick. He tells everyone it is his car - no biggie.
I feel that everyone that is a spousal caregiver needs a counselor or someone to talk to. I found EONS (kind of like FACEBOOK for baby-boomers.) They have a caregivers group - http://www.eons.com/groups/group/caregivers where I can vent and get help. I am not advertizing here - I am just letting you know that there are very active free forums to get help because when it is rough, I need help a couple times a day not just a weekly AD group.
I faced the driving issue a year ago. My husband was lost for 1 1/2 hrs. about 5 miles from home. He stopped to ask directions, however, the made no sense. By the grace of God he found his way home. I was still in denial and thought maybe he still could drive sometimes, however, riding with him one day, he didn't know what lane to drive in & thought if there was nothing coming he could go on a red light.I knew that it was not safe for him or others for him to continue driving. Needless to say he was not a happy camper & it still comes up sometimes. I remind him that in the past he was lost & scared. Also, if that doesn't make a dent, I tell him if he had an accident we could be sued & have nothing. He no longer has a valid driver's license.
I hope you will take the time to look through my website's home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com- and the topics on this forum, and you will see that it provides tremendous support for the struggles and issues unique to spousal caregivers. We are all spouses in various stages of this journey, and we all give support and help to each other based upon our experiences and knowledge.
Many of us are also going to outside counseling, which, as I said in today's blog, can be of tremendous help if you get the right counselor.
If everything else on this AD journey hasn't killed me yet, the driving issue would surely be the one to do it, but with the support I have received from my own readers and our counselors, I am still here, still coping.
Our counselors are our support group facilitators. Our support group splits. We meet together for 1/2 an hour, Then for the next hour, Donna takes the group with the memory loss, and Laura takes the caregivers.
Part of Laura's job is "on call caregiver counselor" - she goes to people's houses or meets them wherever they want for counseling sessions. She meets with caregivers alone, or with caregiver and patient to help them work together to solve issues.
Donna's job is all encompassing, and she's available for whatever, whenever we need her.
Joan-I am so glad you made it through the driving crisis and maintained your sanity. I am having that problem right now. My husband goes ballistic if I suggest he give up the keys. Fortunately when we are in Chicago he doesn't want to drive in the traffic. However when we return to FL in the Fall the problem will rear it's ugly head again. I have mentioned this to his neurologist but he tells me there isn't anything he can do. I live in terror he will cause a serious accident. If he were tested he could never pass the test. In FL I will not ride with him at all. I am not certain I have your strength Joan to tough out the rage and tantrums to try and get him to give up the keys. I guess I have the summer to come up with something.
For just how stressful and complex the driving issue is, click "search" above, and type in "driving issue". At last count there were 3 pages on that topic. It is torture for everyone, and unfortunately, all State laws differ, and all doctors differ in their approach. It's a nightmare.
Thank God for Joan and this website. As some of you know my DH has been insistent that he continue to teach at the local college. His contract arrived today and I hid it in my office stuff. He can lecture but gets really confused when he has to record the homework and tests in the computer spreadsheet. Last semester was a nightmare with arguments, screaming, cursing, pounding on the desk and extreme frustration as he no longer knows how to work with the computer.
I have been panicked with the thought of having to seek out the Department head to explain there is a problem and we just saw the MD a few weeks ago so hard to find a reason to go back so soon. When I read the blog tonight about counseling the "lightbulb" went on! Counseling is the PERFECT answer! I did not know there were counselors who will come to the house. We've been to a few counselors over the 33 years and it has been a positive experience so I'm excited that maybe we can get beyond this before the contract issue raises it's ugly head.
First thing on Monday, I'll call and see if I can get something scheduled! I am so excited with the possibility! I might finally be able to sleep tonight!! Thank you, thank you thank you! Another reason why this website is AWESOME!
This website is AWESOME! Who knew that I needed to get a HIPAA signed for Medicare while my husband could still sign paperwork? Someone here not only knew, they mentioned it in passing including how to find one online.
Don't be sorry. A HIPAA is the document you sign that allows doctors, insurance companies, etc. to give your medical information to another person. You should have your LO sign one for his insurance company and also for Medicare. I already had one signed for the insurance company, but not for Medicare. No one had ever mentioned it before. I found the form on the Federal Government web site. They don't call it a HIPAA. If you can't locate it. let us know and I'm sure several of us will try to go and search out the right page for it.
By the way, I also got something very like it signed so I could take money out of my husband's IRA to be deposited in a joint account.
I'm not quite sure how you get these documents dealt with when you need them if there has not been a signature on file. I'm sure I'm going to have all kinds of fun with the utilities when the time comes.
Starling, and everyone else--don't wait for "when the time comes". IT'S HERE. If you're doing the bills and the troublshooting when things go nutsy with utilities, or insurance, or whatever else can jump up and bite you (at the worst time possible), get the documents needed in place, or change the accounts to your name, or whatever else hoop you have to get through NOW. Then, "when it's time" and you're stressed, worn out, bereaved... these headaches won't be in your face.
We co-own our savings accounts and checking account, so I am authorized as an owner on his accounts and can transact any business needed. Social Security set up his SSD with me as designated payee because of his mental disorders, and that applies to his Medicare and, now that he's retired his SSD was converted to regular retirement SS, but I'm still designated payee.