Here it is, New Year's Day...so far for me it is just another day....DH asked " what is a Diva?" and later asked " What's this?" as he held up the maple syrup for French Toast.....Well at least the sun is out.

Worshipped, came home and had our traditional New Year's dinner: mashed potatoes, saurkraut, ham, black-eyed peas and a new penny by my plate. Those are the "have to's" because of my German ancestry and hb's southern background. Only thing different: I was by myself.

Went to care center to visit hb: An hour after being served his dinner, he was (as usual) still messing about with it in between naps. After deciding he was finished, he fell into a deeper sleep so I left him with his maintenance-man volunteer monitor. Was told he did stay in bed mostly sleeping all night last night. At least he's not drooling now.

shirley that was a very kind action on your part to reach out to the poor woman.

Losing my Brother-in-law, Sister, Brother & Husband over an eight month period makes 2011 the worse year of my life....I am so glad it is over. Only problem the year is over, however, the sadness is still here.

I'm gonna make 2012 good. It can't get me. Bring it on.

I don't have much positive to look forward to this year. In 10 days, on Jan. 11, I will have my left shoulder replaced. This after having the left knee replaced last summer. After that I will have 2 artificial knees and 2 artificial shoulders. Boy, does that set off the alarm at airport security.

If I'm up to it, and can find care for my wife, I will be going to Florida for 5 days the first week of March. My daughter bought the tickets with frequent flyer miles. She and her husband will be there - Naples - for three months.

Since my original post, DH managed to plug up the toilet and did it overflow.He thought it would be a good idea to "let things sit",yeah and let it seep into the base boards and dampness up the dry wall yep you betcha..I finally go that mess cleaned up..
Shirley, I have been going to Mass alone now for3 years. Christmas Masses have been pretty lonely, seeing families altogether, all dressed up in their Christmas best...knowing that soon for the kids Santa will be there and the next day family will be together for a nice day and meal....and I'll cook the turkey and hope he will eat a traditional dinner...that is always a toss up around here...and pretend it is a jolly time.
WE did get an invitation to a New Year's Eve party but it was far away and it was bring a bottle of wind in a bag and don't tell what it is and bring a covered dish..it is a wine tasting party.and it is always the same thing..what winery have you joined..etc..if you are into that sort of thing this might be fun. 2 Buck Chuck is fine by me.

I'm with Emily. Bring it on. This is going to be an interesting year for me. I'm going to give my wife up to the care of a nursing home staff in a locked facility from which she is very unlikely to come out of except by death. I would cringe too except I'm not bowing to this beast even once and every time it rips me up I'm getting right back up just like I have been so it can do it again.

I'm not stupid and it doesn't take me years to learn. AD is debilitating, irreversible, and fatal. EOAD is usually relatively fast and my wife has shed 26% of her body weight this last year despite eating more than me. She's going fast and is now penned up in various parts of the house because she has fallen down the stairs and not because she absolutely wrecks the house like a busy and happy machine.

That's the one joke where I am winning. She's happy. Always chattering away, smiling, waving, telling me how nice this all is (being waited on hand and feet - what's not to like?) and I know that taking her off her heavy medications now 9 months ago is still having a long term affect. She speaks in contextual sentences now, it's her body, the physical control centers of the brain where the damage is greatest so far. That's clearly where the plaque is concentrated right now which is why she thinks pooping against the bathroom cabinet is funny.

I don't really give a d*mn. AD isn't even a disease. It has no life the way at least a virus has. It's just Tau Protein out of whack. It is the cold vacumn of space void of any meaning like an earthquake where the plates stress or losing your footing on ice and falling into frigid water. She will lose her life to this where we all do to something. And when I go somewhere if there's time I will remember that there was nothing that came between us. Nothing. Bring it on. You're going to lose. The Tau Protein can grow to the size of a planet. It will never have what I have.

I only need two things after the bare necessities, humility and a loincloth. And to be honest the loincloth is for you not me. I watch so many around me in real fear of loss of entitlement now that we're entering our sunset years with some MGM vision of life going on forever. DON"T LOOK THERE! We're going to lose body mass and then die. What??? If you're lucky you get to watch everyone else die first and if you're unlucky it's your funeral they went to.

I know exactly what I'm going to be doing with my last breath. Grabbing for the nurse's thigh. And I know what my life means. Exactly what you're spouse's greatgrandfather's life meant. Go ahead, tell me what you know. It was a rich tapestry of moments in time that meant things to him back then in the late 1800's.

See, I'm a lucky man. I feel a deep sense of privilege to be here. I see that creation has formed the moment and time to give those moments meaning because we look behind us at the moments now passed and create that meaning within us. That's a fact jack because that's unargueably how it works. Poop mid-air forever has no meaning. But us dealing with it over time is full of meaning.

We could live in fear of the moments coming. I'd rather be shot first. I've worked all my life to get up into the driver's seat of my own life and take charge of that wheel which still in my mind is the only game in town. Uh uh girlfriend. I go for the nurse's thigh every time.

Happy new year! First, in breaking news, we're all going to die! I'll take Make Mine A Double for 400, Alex.

I’m also with Emily and Wolf. 2012—bring it on. I’ve already faced down so many things, I don’t honestly believe there’s anything left that can take me down and keep me there. Maybe knock me down temporarily, but short of a summons to the Pearly Gates, I still have much to do.
Sometimes I feel like I’m one of those rolly-polly clown toys little kids have fun knocking around but never stay tipped over. That’s how life is, much of the time. I’ve learned that to survive in the Dementia world you have to roll with what’s happening and grasp every little glimmer of goodness and light you find. Not everything is terrible and some things are funny.
The last quarter of 2011 brought me my hearing aids and my power wheelchair. My Mom is now in an Alf because of heart issues, a back injury and VaD. I also decided to be more proactive in getting DH placed. When all was researched, said and done, I initiated the Short Sale of our house, and began the process for DH to go to the locked memory unit of an ALF though it isn’t the best financial choice for me.
2012 will see DH placed, our home of 29 years sold, and me moved into an apartment. Some would fold under this. A friend is skeptical that I can get it all done. Folding is not an option. I have DH to advocate for; and friends to meet up with later this year. I learned as a child to look at any task or project; determine the desired end result; figure out how I was going to get it done; and then do it. Sometimes the getting there was uniquely done, even hilarious, but the job did get done.

There are many truths written on these threads. The basic truths of life are that we are born and that we will die. Nobody escapes that. What we do with the middle time is up to us. Blessings are received. Crap happens. Friends fail us. Strangers become family. Dementia invades. Our love for our LOs will see us through whatever it throws at us, and we will win. Dementia will not, because we will preserve our LOs dignity, in love and we will survive the battle. We cannot prevent their deaths, but they will always be with us, in our hearts.
So, bring it on 2012. I’m ready.

Bring it on ......

Yep, Em, Wolf and Carosi said it all better than I could. It's going to be difficult and painful for certain, but I'm ready.

Yup, friends, bring it on. Granted that's easier to say since hb is in "special unit," I no longer have to chain the fridge and lock all other doors, clean up pee/poop, keep all small "stuff" (knick knacks, mail, papers, etc., etc.) hidden away. Just last night I was thinking about wanting a house by myself when I was a kid. Now at 70+ I have it. Hadn't thought of Wolf's analogy of being in the driver's seat and I'm not there and don't expect to be, but I've moved from being a backseat driver to sitting in front and giving directions. Daily visits to care center, advocating for hb's care keeps me involved. Tally Ho!

My sister can't feel happy if there is something unhappy in the picture. Her picture which she directs really is MGM where everyone in the crowd is nice and smiles properly - or the whole thing is spoilt. That's five years old. There isn't any place that's perfect and there isn't any situation that remains perfect. The problem is that we have the editing board and we wipe out anything that gets in the way and then pretend we don't know what an editing board is. Know anyone like that? And if anyone mentions editing - they get furious. Protect! Protect!

And just like Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf where there was no child except the woman herself who finding she couldn't have one, invented one she discussed with her friends - fantasies don't work unless you have rigid control of everyone's behavior. Which nobody does.

It's that singularity of thought in a multidimensional world that's the problem. If I'm happy then I can't be sad or I won't be happy. What are you 12 years old? Brutality and ecstacy happen simultaneously. The normal mind has no problem with that. It's the personality that does. I can't be happy when the innocent little animals are suffering says the person biting into their ham sandwich. Uh huh.

My MIL thought the fact that my father hunted deer in a world where many deer die each winter competing for the same low hanging branches in the deep snow we get up here was horrible as she bought her roasts and hamburger. No, my father was honest and my MIL was living in a world of self deceit. All God's creatures must consume the 'flesh' of previously living things or they cannot survive. The grain that gives up it's life is alive. The lettuce is a plant that was alive. Even the mayo was made from eggs which would have become a chicken and lived a chicken's life.

Life consumes enormous amounts of energy to continue to be alive. Just sitting at the computer the air around you weighs 14.7 lbs per cubic inch at sea level. Got that? Three bags of sugar every single cubic inch - because it's pressed down by the miles of air above that all pulled down by gravity.

People don't want to know anything. We just want to dream our dreamy little dreams. Except AD has a way of pushing us out of that main traffic zone where the challenges of life aren't that serious. Go and explain that to someone in the 'normal' world and you will learn about human nature. Their life is terribly serious full of challenges thank you very much. And that's one of the major hurdles in what we refer to as 'acceptance' but actually plays more like 'why is this happening to me?!?

Here's the other side of that. They're all living their life and being themselves, and we have that same right. We were given this life and it's pretty obvious that we were meant to live it. Devastating events, beautiful moments, and all.

I always blamed my parents for not being rich. I thought that was hilarious. Dad got it and started using that in his own circle of friends. Mom was hurt by it. So I told her I loved her and she forgot all about it. Next!

I have a friend who runs a sportswear company. When my wife is dead and we are both released from this, I am going to have him run a half dozen t-shirts that say "No Redeeming Qualities" on them. Then I'm going to walk around smiling genuinely at nice looking women. You think that won't work? I know it will. I've decided to die alone; but, living? Oh yes.

Look. It doesn't matter. Everybody has their time. Step out there or hide in the closet. It just doesn't matter. Anymore than that great grandfather on your spouses side - who was key in getting your spouse here, but lived his own moments that meant things to him and no one else and now are lost like so many tears in the rain.

Wait. Tears of joy. And tears of sorrow. All mixed in together in the mess that is you. (and me)

[Normally I would kill this one. I often write a comment I then don't post. It might be pushing too hard. Today though, it goes up. I believe in the power of these ideas.]

Glad you didn't kill this one Wolf. It's a good one, as are most that you write. Notice I didn't say "all" ;-)

This is our day, this is our life ........bring it on .........live in the moment, try to be prepaired and expect the unexpected. I always remember pee and poop is just that and cleaning supplies were invented for a reason. I have the best company to get me through ....ME ! and as long as I don't abandon me I can and will care for hubby on his journey to a land only he will live in. Emily is right ..........bring it on

mimi--Beg to differ with you. Paying taxes got included as being as unavoidable as being born and dying. Not so. If you're rich enough. . .or poor enough ... you don't have to pay them, and if you are in between you can chose to pay or not. Paying taxes is part of the middle we decide to fill as we will. And as is true of every choice we make, we chose the consequences of our actions--they're conjoined.

Marsh, I'll be praying for you for your three surgeries! I know you will enjoy Florida with your family!

Wolf, I love to read your posts!

Carosi, dear one, you are so wise....

My New Year will probably be better than those of you who are still spice, because I am now looking forward to a new year...with fresh challenges, and freedom, along with my lonliness....but not sadness....you see, I still see him as he was that last week, and it has been 7 months since he died....and when I can see him that way still, I know he is where he is whole and happy.

I'm staying around here to give you advice and hugs, and support, and let you know that there IS life AFTER......

You have been my family for so long...

Love,
Mary*

Yes thank-you Mary,we need you.

Wolf, There was a time in my life when I use to think about the fact that when I died after awhile it was almost like I had never been. Who would remember me. Then I thought who cares. It is not this life I am living for, it is what comes after. So now I just think day to day. Or week to week. Funny how this journey makes you look at life so differently.

It is the new year, I hope it is better. But who knows. Life is life, good and bad.

Wolf, now you have me thinking to much. Need to do the dishes. That part of life never changes!

Thank you, Mary :)

bluedaze* You made me laugh,

Some day my dishes may just sit in the sink....... :))

marsh-very healthy attitude

dirty dishes in the sink is one thing we can still control! hah. i'd rather add more hot soapy water than put them in the dish washer. go figure! :)

I am a bit scared of this year. 2011 was intense what with sister dying and dh getting worse with EOAD.

"Normally" I am pretty upbeat, silly, and maybe even fun. That is eluding me now.

I like to talk to all you guys though, we are in our own little world, yes everyone has a world, yet ours is almost...otherworldy.

Don't want to be scared. Trying to be "strong"

Wolf, I think you should run with the "No Redeeming Qualities" t-shirts NOW!!!! They could make you a rich man. Come to think of it, I imagine you could come up with a lot more t-shirts than just that one! Love ya! You make me laugh when I so need it!

Ky caregiver, I hope to have the room next to you in that mansion! (I'm sure the Lord can arrange it!)