Early new years day and I can't sleep. I took a sleeping pill last night and it took before I saw if the guy and his snowmobile got across that stretch of water. Oh well I guess there will be reruns. Last year ended much as my year has been with daughter and all her problems. I know that is why I can't sleep. All her problems mean money to me and I can't keep going through all this again. I'm going to seek legal advice as soon as the one I've talked to before gets back in his office. All the problems with daughter cause dh to go into a rage and I can't handle that. He wants to sue everyone and when he talks about that he works himself into a rage. He grabbed hold of my shoulder the other day when he was going on and on about suing someone. So unlike dh in past days as he was against law suits. Anyway if I made resolutions one would be that I'm not going down the same path with daughter as last year. If I don't get a hold on this situation I'm afraid my own mental health is going. She was the reason for my "meltdown" last week when I cried completely out of control. Someone wrote on here, I think that "the one we need to talk things over with can't talk things over". That's my life now - no one to talk things out with except to write on this. I'm in a real state this morning and just had to get this out. Oh how I need someone to help me sort this out. My other children have tried but they think most or all of daughter's junk is just that and she is taking us. So they have washed their hands and said they weren't worrying about it any long. Oldest son wants to take over our finances - he is executor of the estate when we're dead. I don't think I'm at a stage when I am unable to manage. DH spends all his time now reading about investing and has sent for more material to read on funds. Before az he was always reading this so this isn't unusual but he really doesn't make good decisions now so I can't allow him to do any more than read. So all this goes round and round in my head making sleep and rest impossible. I've always had control of my emotions until all this az crap got into our lives and now I have no one to help me except on this cold machine. No arms to hold me and tell me we'll think about this and work it out. I'm lost in a big pond - just a floating leaf. The new year - nothing to look forward to except more of the same and getting worse how can I handle this how can I find even a little bit of happiness any place. My happiness is gone - lost in the az world of hell. All I got for help was well things could be worse. And they will only get worse I know that. Ungrateful that's what all this sounds like when I reread what I've written. what a wretch I am I have so much more than some. Didn't need a basket of food at Christmas gave food. Have a nice warm place to live and resources to live on. Just feeling sorry for myself. Just need to snap out of this funk and accept what is and stop whining.
Flo39- I a so sorry you are such a funk. But this is a safe place to to vent. If it helps I feel the same way. Just lost everything in 2011, bankruptcy, foreclosure, had all the losses I can handle, the worst is going through it by yourself, not having those arms to hold us. Vent when ever you want. We are here for you.
Flo, I was in the same spot about 2 years ago (my problem was, and continues to be until the will is settled, with DH's ex-wife and family), and I went to a stress counsellor. Saw her every 2 weeks, now go abut once a month to keep things sorted out. Ask around. I knew a Social Worker who gave me the name of someone she'd gone to, and she's the best. You get the best for yourself. You'll need to protect yourself in every way you can. Tell your doctor. Tell your lawyer. It's not only a threat to your mental health but also physically. Stress kills, and we already have enough stress caring for our loved ones. My daughter was headed in the same direction, and I had to cut her off. I just remembered: the stress counsellor taught me how. We're fine, now.
I am sorry you are in such a bad place emotionally. There are resources to help you. I would suggest calling the Alzheimer's Assoc. in your area and ask to speak to a social worker. Talk about your issues with the social worker, not the one who answers the call. Alz. social workers are trained to help Alz. caregivers. Ask her if there are any Alz. caregiver support groups you could attend. I would also suggest seeing your primary doctor and explaining your situation to him/her - He/she could give you an anti-depressant to help you through this rough patch.
flo39, I was in a deep funk around the first of Dec. So bad that my sister noticed it. I was able to snap myself out of it, walking, sunlight and eating bananas. I know sounds silly but it worked. But if you can't do it yourself don't be afraid to ask for help. I have had problems with my grown children and had to put some distance between us. For myself more than anything. Some people just can't be helped, there is no end to what they need. So we need to look out for ourselves.
Sherizeee, I am so sorry for all your losses. I pray that this year is kinder to you. Sending you a ((hug))
flo39 - know the feelings. Last month when I had the encounter with my oldest sister where we are parked at, where I finally found out why she is nasty and mean to me, I told my younger brother (who finally found a job but has been here the last couple years) that I was tired of being the target of all my siblings anger. I lived it growing up with our parents and siblings picked it up. I am tired of this life and feel like turning the gas on in the motorhome and let it blow us all to kingdom come. He has been nice to me since.
there comes a time when we have to do what is best for us. I had to tell our daughter two years ago she was not allowed to call her dad cause it upsets him too much. Yes, I let him know the crap going on with her -she lives in a domestic violence situation, not physical but verbal/emotional - but I by me telling him I can diffuse it some. I need someone to talk to. Fortunately our contact is via email and does not happen often. She contacts when she wants money which we don't have. In the past we brought her home, got her into a shelter where she was getting the help and training to be independent but left to go back to him. I have since offered twice to bring her back out but she has refused for various dumb reasons like not wanting to leave her pets behind. Her pets are more important than getting herself and son out of the situation. Actually we all know how hard it is to leave domestic violence when they are co-dependent. She refuses going to a shelter there in TN saying the state will take her son away if she does. Wrong - they could take him if she stays.
My son has left his wife and children. He says he can't work, according to him, cause of PTSD. But, he refuses to go to counseling which is required to up his VA disability and to deal with his angry outburst. He won't call or talk to me cause I have told him he is a deadbeat dad. When I was picking up the kids at day care the other night, they asked if I was my DIL's mother? I said: 'no, I am their deadbeat dad's mom'.
there comes a time when you have to draw the line. For my own well being I can not deal with my daughter's drama. She pleads she needs her mommy. I tell her I can't be what she needs. She has been to counseling and knows what she needs to do - she is an adult and needs to make adult decisions. (she is actually 34 going on 16)
I realize your daughter is dealing with medical issues but you need to draw the line and not let her cross it. She is an adult. She has her siblings and I am sure others to lean on. She may want her mommy but her mommy can't be there for her in the way she wants. Her dad, your husband, takes presidence over her. It is heart wrenching to do, but you must. this includes giving her money too. You have a long road ahead of you that can be expensive. You have the funds now, but if they run out and you have to apply for Medicaid they have a 5 year look back. If the funds you give to her are large, they may question them. Let your son handle his sister.
Feel free to email anytime you need to talk and remember many of us are on Facebook a lot of the time if you need to chat live.
Charlotte - you must have my daughter!! sounds so familiar only she is 44 going on 16. Dh still treats her like she was a teenager trying to give advice which she never took when she was a teenager and that led to her miserable life in my opinion. She has led a lifestyle she never even knew existed before she decided to take off on her own just after high school. She was mostly out of our life for 20 years before all fell apart and she moved back to our town. Thanks to all who took time to read and reply. We went to church this a.m. message on strongest thing in the world - love. So thanks for all the love shown by ALL on this board. I'll certainly consider everyone's suggestions. Can you believe I was a volunteer counselor at a crisis center for over 27 years? We weren't allowed to give advice, only listen and let folks vent and then usually they would solve their own problems by our just reflecting back to them what they had told us. That center no longer is active because of lack of volunteers and funding . So many times I want to call and talk to someone as I have written here.
Flo39, your comment on your church service made me think again of our service this morning. The topic was "networking" - relationships with other people. This group is certainly a VERY important part of our network.
Flo39 - that is how counseling works. I went to counseling myself for a year, then trained to be a lay counselor. I did that for 3 years. You listen and ask questions about what they said. And yes, it is talking out loud that helps sort things. In many ways journaling does the same thing. I use to say that God would show me between the lines what I needed to hear. For some reason I can't bring myself to journal. Might be cause I have no privacy or time alone.
Charlotte I have journaled on my dh health for over 30 years ( he has battled other mental issues for more than that) but when this devil called Alzheimers took over our lives I have nearly stopped writting.Oh I keep track of all med changes etc. but the day to day journal is more than I can do.I think if I don't put it on paper maybe it will just go away.Or maybe I am just too tired to think about it when I have the time to write.
To you, and to others who have posted I am struck by the strong feelings you have for your children.
I don't have any children, so I can't say I know exactly how you feel. I have though, lost sleep because of the reactions of my parents to H's dementia.
Mother, especially, has been harsh. She, and to a lesser extent my father, don't feel that I "married well". She says that I am not being practical and that time will show I can marry again.
I don't want to marry again! I am not even thinking in those terms.
My parents resent that I place H first. I can't really blame them because I realize they have never coped with anything like this. I can, and do, wish that they would support me. But, that is not going to happen.
Anyway, I just want you to know that I feel for you and for all of us who can't sleep. Thanks to meds, I can sleep, but the morning terrors are far more difficult.
Best wishes, and thank you for the welcome you gave me in response to my first post.
I've started to take back my life. After helping with rent and utilities for daughter and also some much needed dental work she still wanted more. A need that wasn't mine for sure. I stood my ground and didn't give money. It was quite a scene but I didn't give in. Dh thought I had done the correct thing. After reading the comments from all here I began to realize a lot of the stress I've been under is my own doing. I am going to take back my life without guilt. So sorry for daughter who is so dependent. But I have been a co-dependent which doesn't help her at all. I called my son who is my sounding board and he was so glad and told me to stick with it and if I felt myself weakening to call him. All the stress I need I live with and my energy had to be to take care of what life we have left before this disease monster takes him slowly away. Tonight I thought of everyone's comments and remembered one that they had to distance themselves from a grown child. I guess because she was out of our life for over 20 years I was trying too hard to bridge that gap but went about it in the wrong way for both of us. I know that is only one battle in the war I'll have many more of these I'm sure. She won't give up easily. I wanted it in writing so I sent a text to her cell phone "no more money, don't ask". Thanks again to all who helped me think this out.
Oh flo39 I am piggybacking on your thread, as I too feel so alone. I am trying to take all your good advice.
The visiting neighbors next door have just torn me up emotionally, and of course, it only happens because I let it.
I know, I just know I am not stupid, that they revel in our discomfort and life circumstances. My "girlfriend" has always been very insecure, and this is her chance to put herself above me. I know that sounds catty, but it is true, AND WHY am I such an idiot to let them get to me.
This after 11 days with my loving family in Canada. Thank God for that, or I would really think I am nuts.
Girlfriend says, " you can come to the yoga class twice a week, the instructor says you can leave dh in the chair in the office."
No I tell her, that won't work, he will wander and get in things.
"Well she says, then leave him in the car."
No I say, he now has incontinence issues and I don't want him urinating in the parking lot. Also, what if he wanders?
"Well she says, you obviously don't want advice and I tried to help you."
Then commenting on my old furniture, how lovely theirs is and don't I want to paint the deck?
ARRRRGGHHHHH I LAID IN BED THIS MORNING HATING MYSELF FOR LETTING THEM GET TO ME!!!!"
They leave in 5 more days. this friendship is close to over, after 43 years, honestly I feel they hate me.
Prayer and church are sounding like a good thing now. Please pray for me too.
Coco- it is so easy for people to give advice when they have no idea what they are talking about. Just don't let her "win" if she is consuming your thoughts then she is. Only you know what is going on in your life and how you must handle it now. I never imagined we would be living this nightmare and it is very good or I would have spent the previous years worrying about it. So as the old saying goes "just day by day". My best wishes for you and prayers are always said for all on this board. We all need "extra help" every minute everyday. (Our grandson married a sweet little Canadian from Ontario. She likes our warmer Tenn. weather, she said.)
flo39 - my kids expect me to give all the way with no middle ground. Your daughter sounds like that is her thinking too. If, after 20 years, she really wants a relationship then whether you help her financially or not will not matter. Unfortunately, like my kids, your daughter wants it all one way. She probably ran out of other options and is trying to hold you hostage - either you give me what I want or forget a relationship. My dauther is in Morristown, TN. She lived in Chattanooga and said moving to Morristown would be a better place but she is so miserable she has nothing good to say about it either. She wants a 'mommy' that will accept all her weird thinking and rebellion with no conditions. She is not a child - she is an adult. She has been searching for the 'parents she never had' since she was 16. She has not found them so is trying us again. With my husband's illness I can't even entertain her demands. Takes too much energy.
Coco - happy you had a good time with your family. I would not write off the people but forgive them. Why forgive? Because it lets them go so you are not dealing with it. I would wager their reactions are based on fear of the unknown, fear they might have the same future, fear itself and what you said - by criticizing you it feeds her ego. Let the anger go - you have enough to deal with right now and it is only going to get worse. Too bad you can't move closer to your family in Canada but the cold would be hard after living in the warm!
Charlotte, You are so right. Forgiveness is not for the other person, but for us. If we do not forgive it eats us up and the other person who has caused so much turmoil has no idea we are being eaten up.
Coco, I have no idea what is going on with your friend. You just need to let it go. Smile politely and say I will think about that when she offers advice and then move on to another subject. You can't win with her, and no reason to let it get under your skin. We all have encountered friends and family like that.
At Christmas my BIL said I needed to get DH to do crossword puzzles. I think deep down they want to help, just don't know how. And I do think fear of the unknown does come into play with this.
I have learned that there are three types of people. Those that have had life changing problems in the past. Those that are now dealing with life changing problems. And those who will deal with life changing problems in the future.
I was ready to tell Coco to write them off, until I read Charlotte’s post about forgiving & I felt ashamed. As a Christian I should KNOW that we need to forgive. Charlotte, that isn’t the first time you let your faith shine through & knowing all the heartache you have had in your life you are an inspiration to me. You are my hero for today! Coco, I was also going to suggest that you just try to avoid those “friends” as much as possible, but seeing as they will be gone in less than a week I guess if you have put up with them for this long you can handle a few more days! You are in my prayers.
i would also say that foregiveness is also merited- if the person is deserving of forgiving. my opinion is some are not. coco you already said you think they 'hate' you. that in itself -just making that comment should tell you have seen the hurtful comments and attitude too many times and like it or not, keep going back for more. they wont change, you have to. we tend to think we deserve the criticism and afflictions some like to put on us. not true. if anything our situation causes those around us should be a bit more caring and giving not the reverse. again i see it that way -them knowing that we are under stress should be a call to offer a bit of compassion and help not more stress and feelings of isolation. everyone if they chose can find a way to offer consolation and a bit of compassion IF they want to. sometimes they are just too full of their own lives and have no time to spend helping someone else sort thru the duress. and for me, if someone treats me or my DH disrespectfully intentionally, its my turn to let them know they are no longer people i want to associate with -now or after. we see here every day there are so many lovely folks out there who would love to be friendly and help a STRANGER much less one who calls themselves a friend. and yes i can forgive them but still write themoff! ok, off the soapbox divvi, thats my rant for the day! LOL
Coco, this is just my personal opinion...but consider the fact that they just don't get "it"! This disease is so confounding and so convoluted that even the professionals don't know what the "real" deal is.
I am sure they are aggravating, but until someone deals with this up close and personal I am not sure anyone really understands.
This is not to excuse their behavior....but I hate to see you so upset over this.
After being through the Alzheimer Caregiver stint with my husband and Caregiver for my Mom, I realize I have always been lacking in my own attitude toward friends and family with their situations. I did not help as much as I could have, I didn't know what to say, I felt embarrassed to talk about their situations. Now I am 2 years past and living alone and I , unfortunately, haven't stepped up the plate as much as I should. I feel guilty about that - but still haven't improved myself much in that area. I do have on-line support groups I am active in and like to think I have helped ease some of the caregivers burdens. It just seems I lack the initiative to make in-person calls and visits. I am still working on that. So, those of you who are suffering anguish because of family and friends seemingly lack of interest in you and your situation - try and give them some slack. Who knows what their own personal burdens may be and almost always they are at a loss of how to act. Besides, if you hold a grudge or hatred yourself, you are hurting yourself most of all. It is better to adjust your own attitude and just avoid being in a 1 on 1 situations with them. Life is too short to hold grudges.
A very dear lady passed away today and I should have been there - but I wasn't. Another young father is in the hospital on palitative care with final stage cancer. A 16 year old girl died suddenly a couple of days ago. She was on a winning Volleyball team and a whole county is in shock. Hardly any family is without much pain within them. We are not alone...
I have been where you are --- and I know your suffering and needs--it is not easy ---but there are things worse. The fact that you are continuing here with one on one posting at Joan's proves you are a survivor and a caring person and you are loved....
thanks again everyone. yes they don't get it, and of course, there are so many underlying reasons for things. I know for a fact that their marriage is rocky, even at their ages. This must be awful.
It is just so hard not to get mad, or even furious, when people deliberately mean. I am not going to "dump" them, however, I NEED to let the communication with them lessen, and stop HOPING for understanding. I wish them well, just, stay away from me until you can truly love me.
Sorry about all the sadness lmohr, ahhh....life.....I miss feeling that hope , will it ever come back?
In the meantime, immersed in coconuts up to my elbows, cooking up batches for our Saturday market. How much longer dh can husk the for me is up in the air. Then, I will figure out another way to make a buck, always searching for new ideas.
The sun shines, the orchids bloom, and amazingly, my health seems to be really good. Must be all the fresh coconut I munch as I cook, and the papayas from the front yard.
abby--if there's anything I have learned from AD, it's how to tell fiblets to keep the peace. If I were in your shoes, I would tell your parents that you plan to marry again someday and get them off your back about it! Since bigamy is illegal, there's nothing you can act on in that department now, so maybe that will put the subject to rest for awhile. You have enough to cope with in taking care of your husband without aggravation coming from another source.
I especially like the theme of this thread, so took a look. Very good advise, etc. from everybody. On Christmas day, I had lunch with my wife at the 'facility' and then went to my daughter's house where the whole family was gathered and enjoying the day. It was lovely, but, I sat there more as a spectator than the patriarch of the family. When I left, I felt completely dejected and alone. Just wanted to come to my house and stay. I know that it isn't anybodys fault but my own and I am working on me. I just don't like to be in places where my wife and went together for 50+ years.
I probably should not have posted this. To negative, but, I am not going to stay this way and please don't feel sorry for me.
dean very few are positive while we are caregivers. we understand and you dont have to pick and chose what to post. vent all you want. it is very depressing to go places that used to be the focus of happiness and better times.
You know, I never wanted to give in to them with their comments about me marrying again... my birthday is in December and that always seems to get Mother going.
But, as you suggested, why not just give it up? Something like "oh yes, I definitely plan to do that; what a wonderful idea for my life", because really what difference does it make and why waste my energy on her nagging?
Awwww Abby...We mothers can be annoying sometimes. So a little fiblet makes her happy... and you know if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. I am glad to see you posting and becoming part of the family.
Dean, You were just saying what was in your heart. No right or wrong. Keep posting.
andy, Sorry you also feel alone, I know I do.
About the same time as all this hit with DH, things at work changed so much. I have worked at the same place for 31 years and had always felt like they were my other family. With the changes we lost a lot of that. And in many ways I felt like I lost two families. Alone is not even the word for it.... abandon is more like it.
Thanks everyone, it hurts...you know what.....with Dh tagging along, I very nearly went to where they were meeting for lunch, just to see the look on their faces, I was very tempted, but we went to town and son's instead..
Oh,Julia, I know those feelings, I could have written your post. Makes you feel totally out of the loop, but I also found that when I am with my friends I still feel totally out of the loop. AD and caregiving changes your whole perspective of life and what's really important.
This is a great thread everyone- so many of the feelings expressed we all have in common. The out side looking in is one of the hardest in my opinion. It is interesting and sad that my 2 daughters say the same thing being 17 and 15 when their dad was diagnosed,( 3 years ago now) they view life so differently then their friends, they have a hard time fitting in as well, no parties or girlie drama, they see how ridiculous it is. I try to encourage them to participate, their hearts are just to heavy. Sometimes we feel like all we have are each other, because we are living it. But I do feel bad for them they feel very isolated too. Thank you again Joan for this place.
Abby--Just saw your 1/6 post on this thread. I am a "December baby" too. On thoughts re remarriage: While going through this long journey, my thoughts have changed. DH is the love of my life, we have had a long and unusually wonderful marriage. I guess because of that, earlier on I felt as you do, that I would never marry again and didn't want to think about it. Now that DH is living in an ALF and I have time to take a breath (emotionally), I realize that my opinion on the subject is changing. A friend reminded me that if I live as long as my Dad did, it could mean over 30 more years of being alone. That's a long time! So what I'm saying is, your Mom may actually be correct in what she is saying, but I understand your not wanting to hear that right now. Your example has reminded me that I need to start practicing the therapeutic fibbing skills that I perfected with DH on another troublesome family member. Thanks!
I'll go back and read the rest of the posts too but I just wanted to tell you that the other day a friend, a dear sweet friend who is at least 15 years older than I am and who lost her spouse to ALZ last May, took me to lunch for my birthday. We had such a good time. She treated me to a swanky place too, prolly more than she could really afford. We had a nice lunch, shared a sinful dessert and sat and gabbed for 2 hours..about all sorts of things including how she managed the late stages..
It was a wonderful afternoon...and it reminded me of how left out of things I am now...I see the gals gather at the mail box and it seems as soon as I come along they wrap up and there is the hi and the how are things that I know they really don't want to hear about. And so it goes...WE become prisoners of this disease too.