thats good news elaine. good for you! i like your fiblet about grocery shopping. or chose something you know he doesnt like to do. i dont know that i'd leave him all day the first times. gradually get him into the acceptance maybe half day? then more as hes easier and manageable. just my idea though.
divvi, great idea! I actually had the same thought. I was thinking that maybe taking him from 10am - 2pm so thathe could get used to eating lunch there. I'll see what the staff thinks is best. They seem very willing to accomodate me so that this works out for us.
YEAH!!!! Elaine sounds like you are off to a good start. Will keep the prayers going till you get a few days down. But at least now you have a little HOPE for some free time. Love to you both
Sounds very promising. After Sid's first day, he told the staff he enjoyed it and would be back. It has worked out better than I ever expected. He feels well cared for and comfortable with the other attendees. I'm willing to bet that after a week or so, your dh will fit right in.
Today, after 2 nights in a hotel due to the power problem at home, and having his routine completely disrupted, when Sid went to the DC, he greeted everyone and told them he was so glad to be there because he had been through so much the last 2 days. When we got home, he said he made friends with some other men who were just like him (memory wise), and he loved the staff because they took such good care of him. I almost cried.
I have a little follow-up on our visit to our local ADC the other day. The social worker I see is affiliated with the same agency, so she had an opportunity to meet my DH (first time) the other day. When I went for my appointment on Thursday (two days after our visit), I told her that I felt the program wasn't a good fit for my DH due to the older ages of the participants. She responded that she could see that and after some brainstorming, the staff there realized that they need to initiate an early onset program. Evidently they have had some other visits from individuals with EOAD. So hopefully within the next few weeks they will invite my husband to return for a 1/2 day trial (no charge) and maybe he'll be receptive. Of course, he's not receptive to anything new, so I might just put my foot down and say let's just do it. Since I work full time, my main concern is socialization and stimulation for my DH. He can be left alone, but I feel so badly that his life is just one big repetition - same 4 DVD's, same thing to eat every day. We'll see.
i still havent figured out about the age differences yet that most of you say becomes a factor. esp in the daycare settings. if they are in wheelchairs or bedbound and no communications then i could see that this could affect a younger group if in a nh. but honestly i dont have AD and i enjoy MANY of my better friends are alot older than me, and i dont find the age differences an impediment at all. so i cant understand why its a factor when AD advances- with all the new age philosphy of staying healthy many of the 70-80's groups are very young at heart and such fun to be around. my best friend is my sisninlaw and shes in her 70's. the things they do like at joans daycare where sid threw velcro balls at a wall, etc, and music i can see younger ones participating in as well, dancing, and cards or most activities our spouses are geared toward. if they are at the point they cant be left alone and ready for daycare then maybe its more our own feelings of seeing the older folks there that impairs our ideas about how they will fit in. we see it over and over that many fit in regardless of the ages and sometimes it matters sometimes it doesnt. my own opinion of course. it just brings to mind how lovely joans sid has adjusted and liking the daycare program when she thought he wanst ready and would reject everything. we just never know.
I asked my memory care specialist daughter if younger patients would realize and be unhappy mixed in with elders and here is her answer: Probably not most of the time. Biggest thing is if there is something to do that meets their needs & interests.
Figure sometimes people with Alzheimer's don't realize their own age. Resident looking for her parents thinks she's 10. Isn't upset by whoever those older people are all over the place just because they're older than she thinks she is.
I think Divvi has a good point about the age issue. Might be more of an issue for us than our spouses. When I first looked at the facility my DH now lives in (and has for approx 18 mos) I was appalled. It was not brightly lit and there were recliners all around the room. Didn't look inviting to me at all. My dear friend pointed out that I was not looking for a place for ME but for my DH. Now I see how the soft lighting is calming to the residents and they are comfy in their chairs and can all see each other to interact or view the TV when they want. After a predictably difficult adjustment period, my DH is quite content there and considers it his home.
Daycare update: Monday I took Tom to get the TB test & today went for the results. I asked our doctor to fax the results to the daycare because I knew that they would call me when they got the results. Sure enough, an hour later I got the call that he could start whenever we were ready. So his first day will be Monday. I will stay until just before lunch & then I will make some excuse to leave & see how that goes. SO…….wish me (us) luck & start praying, but I truly believe that whatever the Good Lord wants is what will happen.
elaine good luck. its also going to depend on how much you want him to like it. :) insistence is part of it in the beginning. i hope he enjoys his first day. staying with him a few hrs at first is a very good idea. he may get ansy without you there but that is also part of it. he will adjust in time.
Addressing the point Divvi brought up re younger participants at daycare: The closest parallel I can think of for daycare is school. In school, we were with our peers in terms of age. I think for most of us, throughout our lives we socialized, pretty much, with our peers as well. So, when it comes to daycare for someone with early dementia, the age factor jumps out at both the participant and caregiver because we've never spent a lot of time around people 10-20 years older and been the only "baby".
Based on our experience, Steve was/is in much better physical shape and much more mobile than the majority of the other participants. He was able to leave the building twice at his first daycare; once at his second daycare; and lift up a chair with a man seated in it at daycare as well. Being in his 60's, he has much more physical strength than the other participants and if angered, could do more damage. Consequently, the staff has to be much more on top of a participant like him and notice what he's getting into. Also, the activities are often centered around music of our parents' era rather than ours; EOAD patients are much more affected by overstimulation from audio/visual sources, since their brains are damaged but their sight and hearing is intact. So I can certainly see the need for at least modifications for EOAD patients; a specialized program would be great. It took me moving him to a 3rd daycare center to find one that was capable of handling him successfully.
So today was our first daycare day. It almost didn’t happen though. When we went in & got seated I could tell he was confused. They did their opening ritual (Lord’s Prayer, Pledge, calendar, daily activity schedule) & then they did some chair exercises. I could tell that Tom was getting aggravated & he didn’t want to participate. I decided that maybe it was time to take him home & so I told the lady in charge that I didn’t think that he was going to participate so we were going home. We were walking towards the door when one of the aids came over & asked Tom if he was going to stay with them while I went to the store. She asked him another time & he finally said that he would. I asked him if he was sure & I told him that I would be back in a little while. When he said OK I almost ran out the door! One of my friends told me to have the center call her if Tom got upset & wanted to go home, so I called her & told her that she might be getting a phone call. I called her an hour later & so far no phone call. I called the center at 1:30 & they said that he asked about me but that he was doing fine. I picked him up an hour later & he gave me the “where the heck have you been” look. He complained because he didn’t know anyone & that the milk didn’t taste good. The lady in charge said that I could probably bring diet coke for him next time. She asked him if he was going to come back & when he hesitated she told him he could bring his diet coke he said that he would come back. When we were walking to the car he told me that he was afraid that he wouldn’t see me again & I reminded him that I told him I was going to the store & that I was coming back to pick him up. (I also went & personally thanked the aid who came to my rescue & talked him into staying. I then told her that we were coming back on Wednesday so be ready!) I’m not convinced that this is a done deal yet. I think the next few times we go will determine if he keeps on going. Keep on praying!
Elaine, your first day went good. I think it would be good if you don't give him a choice. Be authoritive and positive. Like deciding on a menu at a resturant - choice usually is not a good way to go. I would tell my dh "you have to do this because Dr.... said it was important to help you get better and that I needed to go and do some things for myself." Or, perhaps he respects someone else's opinion. Fiblets are important for you to use at times like this. I think he will be fine after going a few times.
It's a start Elaine...it'll get better, I'm sure. My DH never wants to go but goes anyway, and comes home happy. I was told it's better if i don't stay so he can get used to being there without me..and it works for us. Hang in there ...Prayers!
Elaine--for a long time I sent my husband to daycare with a large travel mug of coffee from home, because he said they had lousy coffee (we always liked Starbucks--I doubt that's what they used)! Bring the Diet Coke and remember--YOU are in charge, you have the healthy brain--you can work around any issues that come up. There were bumps in the road, but four years of daycare attendance helped save my sanity!
I think you all handled it beautifully. And you've had good advice from everyone. Hope you enjoy the free time you are going to have. About 40 + years ago, I worked as the RN at an Adult Day Care Centre. (They were new here at the time). I remember the Director, who was otherwise very good, say to me, "We have a new client starting today. An Alzheimer's patient. I hate Alzheimer's patients. You never know what they're going to do. I usually refuse to take them." I left for another job shortly after that, and hardly remember the patient: Just a vague recollection of him sitting holding onto the edges of a chair, looking scared, as if ready to bolt at the first opportunity.
Well the second day of day care wasn’t as good as the first. When we pulled into the parking lot he didn’t recognize the building He asked if we were going to school (it’s an old elementary school). I told him that we were going to visit our friends. They sat him at a table & they brought him breakfast. I told him that I was going to an appointment & he gave me the evil, “you aren’t going to leave me look”. The aids started talking to him & motioned for me to leave. I ran some errands & went home. I figured that he must have done alright because they didn’t call me. When I went to pick him up before I went in the room I asked one of the aids how he did & she said that he was agitated quite a lot & that our friend from church was in there with him. (They called her instead of me to see if she could calm him down). When he saw me he gave me that hateful look. I spoke to the nurse & she said that we should still come back & keep trying. I’m going to give it 2 more weeks. If he can’t adjust then he won’t go anymore. The only way I can afford for him to go is to work at least one day a week & I can’t do that if he gets agitated & I have to go & pick him up. He keeps insisting that no one talks to him, he doesn’t like the food, etc. Some people just aren’t cut out for daycare & he just might be one of them
So sorry Elaine -I was so hoping today would be ok. Sounds like he is still at the stage where he fears you won't come back for him.Keep trying and I will keep hoping and praying that he will adjust. Wish I were there to give you a big hug. Love to you both.....
Well here is our daycare update. Wednesday was his last day. I took him into the building & he immediately got an attitude, I told the nurse that I didn’t think he was ready. They told me to leave & that they would call me if they needed to. Half hour later they called & said that he just didn’t want to be there & he told them that he wanted to go home. I was pretty much prepared for that. So back to square one. My friend from church who has been so helpful went to our county’s Office On Aging & asked the director if there were any other options that I might have. She told her about a program called Senior Companion Program. It’s free companionship provided to seniors by seniors. Yes you read right it’s FREE. I called about it & the first question I asked was do they provide companions for people with Alzheimer’s & the answer was yes. The lady then went on to say that they provide a minimum of 5 hours a day. She asked how many days I was interested in. I said one or two to start out with. She took all my information & she told me that within the next 2 weeks I would get a call to set up an interview appointment. The companions are all volunteers & it’s funded through a grant. The volunteers actually get a small stipend. I know that it will take a while for Tom to get used to someone coming into the house & of course he won’t know that the person will be there to be with him. My head is still swimming. The one thing that was holding me back from getting someone to come to the house was the money, & now it will be free! I’ll let you know how it goes.
Our experiences starting day care: Well the time has arrived for my 61 y/o wife to enter day care. The main reason for day care is that at age 53 I am still working. We found just 3 AD day cares in my area; one too far away, one that seemed to have only much older folks and one in the direction of my work (hooray!) They take both AD folks for social care and debilitated people for day health care.
Much unlike what some folks have posted this one has an Interesting orientation program. The first day is free(!) They allow/encourage you to bring your LO and spend a half day 0900-1200 to see if it seems like a good fit for everybody. You MUST stay that day. You get to see their program and they get to see if your LO fits in.
If it seems to work out they next schedule an assessment day. You arrive at 0900 where you talk to their RN/social worker and recreation person for a couple of hours - getting a health history and listing their preferences and problems. Your LO stays for lunch (you get your’s next door) and you are finished at 1400.
Nice place, their main program is 0900-1430 but they will take early drop offs as early as 0730 and late stays as late as 1700 (wow!) however they do NOT recommend these long stays until your LO is thoroughly comfortable and familiar with the place. Family is welcome to come and stay whenever and for however long they wish. There is no commitment for any set number of days and no need for reservations. (they take the lunch count after things start in the morning) So, this part was very easy.
How did it go for my wife? She has been going to our local senior center for the last 2 years so she is used to having to go ‘someplace’ for lunch. We are telling her this is a new ‘senior center’. Her gibberish speech had made it impossible for her to be at the senior center. She said “nobody ever talked to her” there (no surprise) so she was getting lonely. At this place they do appropriate activities and she seems happy.
Tomorrow is day #4, to make it easier we have been pre-medicating her with the Ativan. Today was an un-consolable crying fit (I got called, but could not come in) but it eventually subsided and tonight she has no memory of it. Tomorrow is another day, I figure she will eventually get used to it. (She has to, I do have to go to work)
How about me? I am happy she gets the social attention she needs. Was it hard to drop her off? Not really, I have been preparing for it for a long time. The $11.00 an hour doesn’t thrill me (the senior center was free) but overall it seems like a good deal.
So what did bring tears to my eyes? Sitting next to my RN wife is a woman about her age who has a PhD in Education. She and my wife were doing a word game where you write down animals that start with the letters A, B or C and neither of them could think of but one or two. Both their spelling was at the second grade level. If you spelled the letters they could write them but they couldn’t spell them on their own. What a waste of skills and talents!!
Just when people should be at the top of their craft and mentoring others they have lost everything. DAMM disease!!!