It's okay if you're not ready yet, but when you are, there is funding available. I could never afford even one day a week of Day Care. Not sure which agency is paying for it, but mine is being funded. My friend's is being funded through the VA.
Ky caregiver--you asked at what stage people put their LO's in daycare. My husband was in the early stage. It was as much for my benefit (respite) and for his, maybe more for mine.
My main goal in being a caregiver to my DH is to allow him to have the best possible care possible. As with all of us. As he progressed in the disease, his ability to focus on any one thing grew less and less. I felt that being in daycare would keep him busy and he would enjoy it. I have to work and I did not want him sitting on the couch watching tv all day. He loves going to daycare. We get up at 6 am, I get him dressed etc. has a bowl of cereal, coffee, then the buss picks him up at 7. I go off to work at9:30 and the bus brings him home at 3pm. My 86 yr old mother has moved in to help me. She gives him a snack and then he takes a nap for an hour or so. I get home at 6:45 pm. We eat dinner and He is ready for bed by 9 pm. This works well for us. It so much better than him being home. It may be different if I could be home...... There are no wrong or right answers, just trial by fire!
So many familiar thought, feelings, experiences ... My DH was extremely resistant to daycare - we visited more than 6 months before we reached a point at which I realized I needed to make it happen. Part of his reluctance was I think age-related - he is 56, and many of the daycare members are much older. He also had a terrible emotional reaction at one point in bringing up the subject - convinced he was being sent away somewhere permanently, and cried for hours. But it became apparent he was sleeping most of the day while I was at work, and then he suddenly lost his ability to use the bathroom on his own. After several weeks of trying to deal with the change in his toileting, I realized we needed to daycare. DH was very unhappy the first few days - even tried to bolt from the car at a stoplight on the way there once (I hit the locks in short-order...). But within a month he gradually adjusted to a fulltime schedule of attendance, and even though he sometimes grumbles, it is obvious that he is mostly doing well there. It's been a challenging few months of adjustment, and I think I'm still coming to terms with what stage he's really at - evident when I see him on occasion around others in the daycare environment. But I'm also heartened by the support he is getting there - it is becoming an additional source of security for him, which I never imagined could happen just a few months ago. It is also a relief to know that he is in a stimulating safe environment during the day while I'm at work.
Today we had a call from the Day Care centre where I'm hoping DH will attend. We are going to visit tomorrow afternoon to check it out. I am so praying he will not create a scene and he will agree to go...I feel bad for thinking that no matter what, I'm just going to have to let it happen. I so desperately need some free time to myself. He does nothing but follow me around all day, and watch TV. Please send some good positive thoughts down under my way..
The best part of day care or an ALR is the mental stim and companionship. Sure beats snoozing in the recliner with mindless TV on. Greatly improves quality of life that we could not provide alone.
Julia, praying all goes we'll for you and DH. Prepare yourself if you have never been, there will be primarily older residents, and with different degrees of disabilities. That was hard for me to accept, that my husband had reached this point. Then I pointed out to him that he could reach out to others there and help them. Because after all when it comes down to the bottom line, we all want to feel like we matter. I pray you get the rest you so desperately need!
Julia, I will pray for you if you will pray for me. Next week I am going to call our local daycare & set up a visit for us. I tried to get him to go a year ago, but he wouldn’t have anything to do with it. However, I think he might give it a chance this year. Please let us know how your visit went.
julia and elaineh, there are many here who will be praying and crossing fingers and good thoughts that your spouses are accepting. remember to THINK positive, they can feed off our positive attitudes. :)
Thank you , the meeting is at 2pm this afternoon, Aussie time. I will post again this evening. This is our first visit, so it may take a couple of tries to get him to go...they said they have one carer there for every four patients, and will try and fit him in with others with about the same level of decline....different people go on different days...we'll see. He does need some outside stimulation, and will talk about 40 - 50- years ago to strangers in the shopping mall, so lets hope someone there will just click with him that he'll be happy to talk to, interact and be social with them. Feeling very nervous ...trying to be positive divvi..
ElaineH...I will be praying with all my heart for you too...And thinking of you today as we walk in the door of DC,
You mentioning that your dh likes to talk to strangers about what happened 40-50 years ago prompted me to tell you about my experience on Wed. at Sid's Day Care. One of the staff told me that she had a long conversation with him about living in Providence, RI. She said he talked for a long time all about Providence and told her everything about it. I informed her that he hasn't lived in Providence since 1960. She was surprised at first, but then immediately "got it" as to where that incident placed him on the memory functioning scale. I was happy that he got to talk his head off to someone who was a good listener and encouraged him.
They are absolutely wonderful at this Day Care. They give him the positive attention he needs, and apparently, he needs very little encouragement to join in all of the activities.
It was my decision to NOT bring him to visit beforehand. I was so afraid he would look at the people (who are older than he is, and many are lower functioning ) and refuse to go. I just told him he was going and brought him. The staff puts him together with men who are close to his level of functioning.
Joan,I'm praying it will go well today, and that he settles in as well as your Sid. Isn't it amazing how they can talk about years ago like it was yesterday It's quite funny to listen to DH, especially when I hear the stories over and over...each time the story is a bit different, but what the heck, I don't think it will matter there, if they listen, he will go on and on! Just about time to get ready to leave...I am wondering how it will be and what will the folk there will be like...I thnk I'm more anxious then DH is...
Julia and ElaineH, I am putting up a petition to God to please grant you peace and success with your daycare situation. May your loved ones, and you, find some relief.
I am so happy for you Joan, so glad it is working out. I have been reading your thoughts and fears on this for awhile.
I am so resistant, I just cannot seem to deal with taking any more steps right now. I need to do something soon, or I will not be able to work. I feel a breakdown looming, darn, just when I thought I was getting it together.
He is up and down, up and down, sundowning, and up alot in the night.
This is the only place, the only, that I can come for comfort right now.
Dear everyone...thank you thank you for your prayers. I could not believe it, it went so well. It's a lovely place, once was a private home, very clean and friendly. Some people playing bingo, some playing cards, a music room, a library room. they have two small buses to take people on outings. A gorgeous petite lady came and took DH by the hand to show him around, while I made the arrangments in the office. Dh seemed to feel as ease, and was happy to give it a go....two days a week, starting next Monday and Thursdays...OMG, I thought I would be lucky to just get him to go half a day. I just hope Monday goes well, and he keeps wanting to go
ElaineH...I pray so much, that your DC meeting will go as well...walking in I was thinking of you.
Dear Coco, think about DC...I think you will need something soon, before you do breakdown.
Joan, you are so right with your belief in "sooner better than later"... woud have done this sooner, if I knew it was going to be this easy, cause it could have not been, the time must have been right. Thank you ( hugs)
what a thrill for you julia it went so well! leaving your anxieties at the door and smiling alot will help him and you get thru the first times. once hes comfortable and adjusted and sees that you are easy with it as well he will probably love going. most say here they adjust and enjoy the activities. you are right that sooner is better. wishing you luck =
elaine you are next!! calm and deep breaths. smiles are contagious! coco you sound like you are exhausted, and in need of some help at home even if its a couple hrs/week. it may be worthwhile to start looking soon for something too before its a necessity.
It was such a good feeling as we walked out, seeing and knowing that he would be safe there. I rang my DD last night, and she said "mum you sound so much better and relieved already...Dad will be fine!"
Yes, your next ElaineH...looking forward to hearing good news from you next week.
Julia .......YES !!!!!!!! Wonderful news, I am thrilled for both of you. It's an amazing feeling to actually be able to see a little LIGHT, when we have been surrounded by darkness for so long! And ELaineH.....you're next! By the way, I had to pick up a few items my DH had left at the ALF last week, he went with me and kept saying this is nice, really nice! The next step is full time placement. Julia, you are so right, it is a good feeling knowing he will be safe and hopefully content.
Julia, I couldn’t be happier for you! It sounds like he was ready & we just never know if it will work out until we take them. Let us know how he does on Monday. Thanks so much for the prayers everyone. I called the DC today to talk to the lady who helped me last year. The bad news is, she is on vacation next week. The good news is, that gives all of you another week to pray for me! I’m hopeful because of a few incidents that have happened recently. He is always trying to be helpful to handicapped people & people in wheelchairs. We were walking out of Walmart & an elderly lady with a cane was hobbling in & he stopped & tried to help her. While we were walking to the car I asked him if he would be interested in going someplace where he could help people like that (lady with a cane). He thought about it for a minute & said that he might want to. So I said that we would look into it. Last year when we went there, there were a few people in wheel chairs & walkers, so maybe if he thinks he is going to be helping them it might make him feel useful. I know someone here suggested telling our LO’s that they will be working there or they will be a helper. I just knew that that would not work with my DH……….but that was then & this is now. Funny how things change!
Oh ElaineH, I will be praying for you will all my might..maybe that thinking he'll be helping might just do it ..I hope so!
Rosiek, full time placement is another thing, now that really scares me, but when the time comes, I guess we do what we have to do.
All we want is for them to be safe..I think DH really took to the lady, who showed him around, she made it so much easier....now lets see what happens on Monday. They thought it better if they pick him up. He'll be gone from 9.30 till 2pm He'll be ready at the door , like a boy waiting for the school bus...so sad to think we have come to this! Thank you everyone..xx
I'm another one who has had success with day care during the last few weeks. The only one we have here is only two days a week and only from 9:00 AM until 1:00 PM but those four hours of freedom 2 days a week are wonderful. I really didn't think it would work for my DH but he looks forward to going. It's so good for him to have a social life other than being with me 24 hours a day and his cognition seems better on the days he goes. It's a win-win situation for both of us.
Oh Dazed, I’m so happy for you! I KNOW how much of a relief it must be, & since he enjoys it…….. well that makes it that much better. Hope my I have the same results!
Since my DH is a little further along, I want to encourage those who are just now placing in DC. Take time for yourself, and stay focused on the positive. I know at times grieving seems to come out of nowhere. Dig deep and try not to stay there. We are all in this together. You need encouragement more than ever now. I am really proud of all the caregivers, you are all doing an amazing job!
Thanks, Rosiek. We always appreciate advice from those further along in this journey. I haven't used the few hours I have to do anything for myself yet. Just buying groceries, running errands, banking, etc. but I sure do them faster without DH along. One day I just came back home and got a lot of housework and laundry done. DH is a full time job when he's here and it's hard to get anything else done.
Well, I am amazed, our first day at DC went well...well I think so! They said they would pick him up at 9.30..he was ready at 7.30am, from then on, it was like.." where are they, not very reiable are they..what time are they coming"...etc..this went on till they finally came at 9.40am..and off he went. I must say, I was feeling relief, sad, upset all those feelings at once. When I saw him get in the bus , sit next to a dear old lady, who seemed to be well advanced with Alz, my heart sank. I thought OMG, what am I sending him into, I forget which one of you said to be ready to see others who may be worse than my DH...that's when it really hit me, and that we have come to this stage! As for me, I was feeling a bit lost all day,alone... I ran a few errands, paid a few bills, dropped off paper work to the two n/ homes to add us to the list and went home, sat, and waited for him to come home...expecting a call any minute to go get him. 2.45pm, the bus comes, Dh is waving from the wondow, smiling...out he comes, hugs the lady driver and says "thank you". I asked how he went,, she said he solialized well with the ladies..that'll be him, can be a real charmer at times. She said he didn't like Kenny Rogers music so they will get him Roy Orbison next time. All I got from him about the day was bits and pieces of muddled up stories, but I think he enjoyed it He thinks that was it, only the one day...so we'll see how it goes on Thursday now....and hopfully I'll feel better about it. It did make me think about how i was going to cope when he's gone...i know i shouldn't think that far ahead,and think more about making the most of whatever time we do have right now.
ElaineH hope all goes well for you...thinking of you.
I forgot to tell you all that Sid THANKED me for finding such a nice place for him to go. ????????????????????????????????????? Pick me up off of the floor - I have fainted from shock.
He LOVES the staff. He said they are all so nice, helpful, attentive, and right on top of things. He proudly told me that today he came in second in a game of bean bag toss.
I am sputtering - I don't know what to say. I can't believe it.
Joan, so happy for you & Sid! Hopefully next week I will hear from the DC I am hoping DH will go to. & you will also have to pick me up off the floor if mine likes it as much as yours!
So happy for you and Sid Joan. My Dh is still a bit touch and go, doesn't really say much, wouldn't surprise me if he said he won't go anymore, but at least he's going for the time being! He says he worries about leaving me on my own...OMG if only he realized how much these few hours on my own mean to me.
All the best Elaine, prayers and good thoughts for you.
oh wow. that is good news! WE think they wont go or not ready and turns out they can actually like it. even if he balks on occasion you can remind him of how much fun he has!
Joan - does he whine in DC about his pain? If not, then that is additional proof to some extent he is playing with your emotions. I guess that is a typical child though - feel great or won't complain when out but get them home and they are really sick!
Oh, yes, sad as it is to see, he is very much like a child now. As far as I know, he does not whine at DC. When he is in pain, they help him to get up and around, but no whining. It's the same when we go out together. He can be whining and yelling about his pain in the house, but as soon as we are with other people, he tries to downplay it.
Another successful day at DC. The woman in charge told me that he participates in every activity and has a good time. He told me that he tries to do everything they offer because he knows it's good for his brain.
I brought this topic up to update you on my daycare saga. I finally got in touch with the adult daycare facility & we are scheduled to go visit this Friday. I spoke to the same lady we dealt with last year & she remembered Tom from last year when he wouldn’t stay. I told her that I didn’t think that it would work if I just brought him & dropped him off so she said that they would work with me to try to get him comfortable enough to stay. So I am hopeful that it will work. She also told me that they are VA approved. We have a Veterans Home 10 minutes away, but they don’t have any day programs for Vets. So now I am looking into seeing if I can get any financial help paying for the cost of the daycare. So all of you people who said you would pray for me, well start the prayers! Thanks!
Good luck ElaineH...Oh, I do hope it works for you, prayers for you both.
DC is working out well so far, Dh Reno, never wants to go, but once the ladies get here to pick him up . he's all smiles, comes home happy. I can't make out head or tail what he says he did, but who cares, as long as he's happy..and me too! They say he's mixing in well, and they love having him there...
Well, I decided we should jump into the day care pool and checked out our local program with DH today. DH is not convinced about going which is what I had anticipated. The majority of participants are definitely older than my DH -- he's 62. Of course, it left me in a bad mood because I'm so tired of husband's uncooperative attitude. If he had his way, we'd be going to a musical event every day. All he cares about is music and old TV shows. Not sure if I'm going to push attending this program. We have to self-pay and can only afford one day a week. I guess I just have to sleep on it.
Elaine if your spouse is unwilling to go to daycare the least you can try is having inhome help one day a week then? thats for you more than him. try an agency or private sitters and say like most of us did its housekeeping help at first. they do adjust eventually even while griping. we just cant always be railroaded into having them mandate how we go about the need to have a bit of respite. take matters into your own hands and work on this.
Elaine--Divvi gives good advice above. Many (if not most) don't accept daycare or in home help willingly, however, it is worth the hassle to obtain some respite. We must remember that we are at an advantage, we have healthy brains, and we should be the ones controlling what goes on (easier said than done sometines, I know) :)
DC was the best thing to happen...I really had to push and make him go. Each time they come to pick him up, he says he's not going, but goes without too much of a hassle, comes home all smiles. Tells me what he did, doesn't make sense, going up in aplane and all different stuff like that...but who cares, he's well looked after, and I'm starting to enjoy that time off. Good luck Elaine..
Hi Everyone! Well today was the day we visited the day care. Here is the e-mail I sent to my friends & relatives.
To All My Relatives & Friends, I am writing to all of you because I know that you are probably wondering how our visit to the adult day care went. Well I think it went quite well. To make a long story short he was pretty receptive to the people attending, even though a few of them were in wheel chairs or had walkers. The resident nurse asked him general questions to assess his level of comprehension. Then they had him take part in an activity (they threw Velcro balls at a Velcro target). Then they kept him busy while I went into another room & filled out the paperwork. He came back after a while & he seemed to have enjoyed being with the people (because as many of you know he is still very social). One of the ladies asked him if he would come back & he said he would. I told them that I wouldn’t be able to just drop him off when he comes for the first few times & they said that they have another man whose wife waits until he is settled & then she tells him that she has to run some errands. So that is what we will probably do. After we left I asked him if he wanted to go back sometime & he said that he would as long as I was with him. I told him that they probably would like him to help with some of the people & that they told me that they might want me to go to the store & get things like groceries. He understood what I was telling him, but who knows if he will remember. Now he has to get a TB test (scheduled for Monday & read Wednesday) so his first day could possibly be a week from Monday. Will this work? Who knows? All I know is that we will give it a try & what will be will be. Thanks everyone for all the prayers & good thoughts, keep them coming cuz it’s not over till he stays all day!