I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog about taking my husband to Day Care for the first time. To those of you who have been through this experience, I would like to hear if you reacted as I did. Differently? How? Please post comments here.
joan i am glad to hear Sid adapted to the first day. sad yes very sad. its where i found myself many years ago when i found out my DH who was an individual with extreme IQ - and a savvy corporate atty enjoyed spinning toothbrushes and toys that light up. devastating. but now we just have to go with the flow in the timeline in years that they find themselves. as long as they can show relative happiness and enjoy any activity i think its a plus. remember they can hone in on our positive and negativity so try your best to stay positive when you ask him questions about it. divvi
Joan I felt the same way... Bob has been going since April. Aside from thinking he is working there, I think he has actually forgotten any other life before going there. His is the first one there 7:30 am and the last one out 5:15 pm. 5 days a week. Feeling blessed he likes it there.
Oh Joan..I feel for you. I am about to start DH in DC in a couple of weeks in the new year. I pray he takes to it like your DH did. I think I will be feeling the same as you, already I'm dreading that day. We had an appointment with a lady from the DC yesterday, and she made it sound so wonderful..DH seemed to be comvinced...we shall see. I will be reading this thread with great interest for tips and reactions.
I have not managed to work out daycare yet, but I had EXACTLY that reaction the first day I left Jeff with an aide at home and went off by myself. I cried.
I too felt the same remorse when I left Paul that first day. He only goes a day or two a week but I can now leave him with peace of mind.Knowing that he is well cared for and among others that he has grown very fond of. I attended his Christmas lunch and party afterwards and you could tell that they were like family,all looking after each other.We laughed and joked and had a good time. I plan to offer my help at the center when they plan events,I know the idea is to leave them and get away,but it was nice to be among people that did not look at us as being DIFFERENT.I may be getting Alz. because I felt comfortable there!!! Joan sorry to ramble on but just wanted you too know if going makes Sid happy it will be good for you too.
Joan, I know it’s sad, but as everyone else said, I am happy that he adapted well. I hope to have the same sad feeling in a few weeks when I try to take my DH to DC. Some here might remember when I tried to have him go last year (it was exactly a year ago). He just wouldn’t go. I plan on trying again next month. Please say a prayer for me that it works this time.
It was tremendously sad the first time My DH went, but he really enjoys it. Yesterday I took him to an ALF for a "3 day retreat.". It was harder for me than taking him to daycare. I like Joan cried my heart out. When I spoke to the nurse in the afternoon, she said he was holding his own. Today they said he seems very content. He is a very easy going guy. Because he has been going to daycare, I think it made this transition easier for him. I didn't sleep last night worried he was going to be so disoriented when he woke up. They said he did get up a few times but they redirected him to his room and he went back to sleep. So tonight I will sleep a little easier. So just keep I mind, daycare can be a good thing, it doesn't mean it makes it any easier!
I think taking our LO's to daycare is one of the "rights of passage" we caregivers go through. Fear, sadness, etc., are probably totally normal, because we love our spouses so much. If we cared less about them, we'd drop them off and run in the other direction without a second thought. However, like all the rest of this journey, we do have control over how WE react to milestones like this. To me, it is better to force myself to be thankful for the fact I could afford to send him to daycare and that he agreed to attend than to dwell on the sad aspects of it.
Rosiek--Steve attended daycare for 4 yrs and I definitely think it made the transition to an ALF easier for him. When I sit with him in an activity there, it is identical to what they did at his daycare. I believe that on some level, it may have "primed the pump" for acceptance of the ALF. Another good reason for caregivers to give daycare a shot.
Joan, I am so sorry, there are moments when realization comes so hard. This spring when I finally got the doctors to diagnose what I knew to be true, I cried everyday but now I have steeled myself somewhat and only cry when something hits me in the face...like the moment when I read about Emily's husband not looking like himself asleep, (mine doesn't even look like himself awake) or some other trigger. I have not come to the time when I can put dh in daycare but I am pretty sure it is a moment hitting you in the face... You can no longer depend on the steel shell you have built. Your life will never be the life you pictured. My new mantra...it is what it is. I feel your pain and send support.
What is the approximate cost of day care?? I know it is probably different from area to area? Do they go all day long or just part of a day? I would love for my dh to go. However, I am concerned because he is still sleeping so much that he might get tired too quickly to be there all day. He never gets up before 11:30 to 1:00 and then back to bed for nap around 2:00 and not up until 5:00.
I paid $82/day. That included transportation, but they didn't pick up from our area, so I drove him. They don't have to be there all day if you feel it's too much, but if you're using their transportation, it probably picks up between 8 to 10 in the a.m. and drops off between 3 and 4 or 5 in the p.m. One thing, your husband may be sleeping more at home due to lack of stimulation--if there's activity going on all around him, he might not do the nap. You could contact several local centers and discuss it with them. One of the reasons I was happy to provide transportation is that I could get him there by about 11, and neither of us had to rush.
Sid's is $55 a day WITHOUT transportation. It is that price whether they are there from 7:30 -5:30 or one hour a day. I am taking him at 10 and picking him up at 3, because it's enough for him. He was exhausted when he got home yesterday.
Even at one day a week, it's still more than I can afford. Luckily, I am eligible for funding, so it is paid for, or else Sid would be sitting at home forever.
If you need funding, ask for it at the Day Care, and they can put you in touch with the right agencies.
He's not complaining about going again tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.
Funny this topic came up today. I went by and checked out our local Adult Day Care today, but I just couldn't bring myself to go in and check it out. I guess that will be for another day. Glad to hear that most of you are saying it went well. I think I will feel the same way as you expressed on your blog Joan.....ready to throw up, but relieved that it went well. Joan I am still pretty new around here....but how old is your husband? And wondering what led Joan and other to finally decide to pursue DC?? Thanks!!
OMG, that is a lot to pay for a day. If Dh goes and is happy there, I hope he will do two days a week...but we shall see...start off with half day first. Not sure if it's a good idea to stay with him on that first day or not. Just waiting for a call from them now, after the new year holiday break.
Our day care is heavily subsidized by the government and I will pay just $8 a day plus the cost of a two course lunch and $2.50 if he needs transport, but the centre is just a 5 minute drive down the road so I'll take him and pick him up
At this stage I really would not have cared how much it cost..he needs some outside stimulation with other people, and I need a break. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I'll porbobly just go home and cry till i can't cry anymore.
My husband's day care is $65 a day whether you go for an hour or all day. I drive him. The only way I can afford for him to go is that the VA pays the costs. I'm in Illinois and in my area the VA does not have it's own day cares. He goes to a center that has a contract with the VA. This price includes breakfast, lunch and an afternoon snack.
My husband doesn't really do any of the activities, but it is a safe place for him to be so I can have a little time. He was going 5 days a week but then some behavioral issues developed. Some of his meds were changed and right now I'm only having him go 2 days a week. I hope to have him back to 3 days a week in a couple of weeks. The VA did approve him for 5 days. He is 61 and has been attending this center for almost 2 years.
When I had DH at DC, I usually sent him with a paratransit van operated by a govt agency. It cost the same as a bus (which he could not do), maybe $2 or less, and not worth my driving him because it was at least 20-30 mins away, and he liked the van. I also got a stipend from the state, used that for daycare, but the program is no longer operating, so many things have been cut back. But a little searching may turn up a paratransit van or some funding. This was yrs ago, prices & programs changed, but not the tears. I cried buckets. I think most individuals like DC, it has to be easier on them not to compete in the real world. And, yes, they are usually ready before the caregiver is.
Deb - how did you apply with the VA? My dh goes to VA clinic and I wonder if he would qualify. He's not DC stage right now but with the VA I know it isn't too early to inquire.
I contacted a social worker at our local VA hospital. She took care of everything. My husband does go to the VA for his care too. He has a great geriatric psychiatrist.
My DH daycare is $30.00 a day with transportation. The bus picks him up at 7 and drops him off at 3. He goes 3 days a week. This is on a sliding pay scale according to my income and is supported by a grant. Check with your local Alzheimer's Assosciation, or the Department of aging. They know of many resources that can help you pay. I know I didn't know where I was going to get the money because I had limited income. These resources will help you. My DH is doing great at the ALF for a 3 day respite. Very content, thank God. I will pick him up in the morning. I've had a wonderful respite. Ready for the next round.........I think?
Sid just turned 69. Subtle signs appeared when he was 60. It hit hard at 62, and it's been downhill ever since. I am 63. Go to the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and look on the left side where it says Previous Blogs. Click on that and go to 2011. Click on October, and read the To Day Care or Not to Day Care Blog. At that time, I didn't think he was ready. However, the funding became available, and if I didn't take it, my name would have gone to the bottom of the list, and who knows when it would have come up again? I decided to do it, and from Oct, when I thought he wasn't ready, to the end of December, when he started to go, he was ready. Things happen quickly with AD. You never know. Everyone here knows my motto is to do things "Sooner Rather than Later". I have followed that advice of my own for the last 2 1/2 years, and I've not been wrong yet.
Oh, and another thing that clinched my decision was my family. If you read the blog I wrote when we returned from Thanksgiving at my sister's in Chicago - it's still on the home page - "The Family Tells it Like it is", you will see that everyone told me I was worn out and Sid was worse than I thought. Their unanimous war cry was - SEND HIM.
Joan, I can understand the sadness but you need to focus on the unexpected outcome ... that Sid seemed to enjoy the day care experience! Could have gone a lot worse, right? Hope Sid continues to enjoy going.
Oh yes. If you were with me during 2008, you know what I went through with the driving. I honestly thought I was going to have a repeat of that nightmare with the Day Care. I dropped him off this morning - no problem getting him up and ready to go, and when I pulled up to the door, he asked why I was getting out. He said he didn't need me to go in with him. My fingers and toes are crossed. We'll see how long this cooperation lasts.
I honestly don't know what to say. I am totally shell shocked. I picked Sid up from the Activities Center this afternoon, and he said, "Is it 3 o'clock already?" He seems to have accepted it like I've never seen him accept anything. I absolutely told him it was an ALZHEIMER'S Activity Center, but he told me that he met a guy today who is just like him. No short term memory, but remembers things from 30 years ago. By the time we got into the car, he had forgotten what he did all day. He said he justs goes along and does what everyone else does. He says he likes meeting new people (not that he's going to remember them), and he's fine with being there. I guess this peaceful acceptance (so far) is my reward for having put up with the violent rages for 2 years over the driving.
I can still remember when Jean went to day care. When I picked him up the first day, he said "I thought I'd never see you again". That just about broke my heart. He went three days a week and became very popular as he loved to dance and was one of the few men that danced with the ladies. I was VERY lucky. I only paid $20.00 a week. He went from 8-1:30 The county paid the rest.
Joan--Sid's acceptance of the daycare just illustrates how unpredictable AD patients' behaviors really are. After Steve's issues with anger, giving up driving, etc., I expected switching to pullups to be a big deal. It was a piece of cake. I decided then that we can never predict what their reaction will be.
Another positive for short term memory loss - everyone he meets will be new the next day. I am so happy it is going so well. Sid probably feels good about himself again being out and around people, doing something, and shooting the breeze with people.
So what are you doing Joan? How is the mahjong game going?
I got my nails done this afternoon, then did boring grocery shopping. Mahjong starts up again next week or the week after. Not sure which. It's on Monday's - the day Sid has his dominoes get together with his AD buddies.
My plan is to spend "me" time in the gym for at least an hour or hour and a half when he is in Day Care. Then maybe take a walk on the beach. I need to do some things to rejuvinate myself. I'm worn to a frazzle.
I just read your blog Joan, and my heart is with you. Please remember to walk on the beach, don't put it off and do it often.
I am able to leave dh with my Mom each of the 9 days we have been visiting up here, I walk for a couple of hours and always find a private little place to reflect, and often cry. Nature will let us do this in the way that is healing.
The other day I found a little niche in the bushes and despite the cold, sat on a little log. I was blessed with a big splash, and got to watch a late salmon spawning, going up and down and back again with the current.My Dad says it is pretty late in the year for that and I was lucky to see it.
The beach I believe will help you to cope Joan, take your time and feel its power to heal.
I am sad for you, yet, happy that Sid is doing well at day care. I am witnessing my dh going downhill it seems quickly.
Hi Coco, it’s good to hear from you. I missed your posts. Hope you are having a restful time. Could you e-mail me? My e-mail address is in my profile. I want to ask you a question about coconut oil. Thanks. Elaine
Good news, Joan...so glad it's going well. enjoy your time to do what you want.. I am going through the driving thing now..and hoping to start DC next week...oh I so hope it goes as well as Sid's did
My wife has been going to day care for 3 years. She resisted at first, but now loves it. Until last summer she was going 3 days a week from 9-2, at $12/hour. This includes transportation (which we don't use because it's easier for me to do it than wait for the van), and one shower a week. She also gets breakfast, a snack, and lunch. She is now going 6 days a week, usually from 9-2, but sometimes longer. Saturday is covered by a grant, so I only pay for 5 days.
This is so helpful, I am heartened by those who voice what I have been thinking. I have a packet with admission papers sitting on my desk at work, already to have my husband start Day Care. I can't bring myself to fill them all out. I Know it will be best and I do intend to do it. Right now they are having a flu outbreak and Carl has not been sick at all, I hesitate to take him into that enviornment....but I could just be dragging my feet. Sometimes I can't tell the difference. Doing thing sooner rather than later has hit me too since yesterday. My cousin called to wish me Happy New Years and was bringing me up to date on things in my home town. Some of our friends are trying to palce her husband and there is a 10 deep waiting list for the Quincy VA. She said I had better get his name on the list at least. This is the second time I have been told that...once more, I am dragging my feet. The day care will come out of my monthly budget and, although I can probably swing it, I will be strapped....again..dragging my feet.
Dragging ones feet is typical of me. I put off and put off phone calls, answering e-mails, almost everything I do is like past due or waiting, waiting, and what am I waiting for?? My daughters when they were here for Thanksgiving said the reason I do that, is because putting things off is the only thing I have control of now and I am just showing my authority over things I should be doing....."I'll do it when I am damn well ready."....guess that is my thinking now.
Taking your LO to daycare for the first time is always hard. I I know I visited my DH daycare 6 months prior to actually sending him. Thankfully, he enjoys it even though he can never tell me what he does, and they go on a lot of trips ( lunches). So when I took him to an ALF for a 3 days respite last week, I was good until I had to leave him, then I fell apart. The thought that the Time for him to be placed in a NH is not far away, really became a reality to me. I called the ALF morning and night checking on him, they said he was holding his own, content. I was then able to somewhat enjoy my respite, but still was thinking what it is going to be like when he is there full time. When I went to pick him up he was sitting by himself and still did not have his teeth in and it was noon? He was really quiet and slept most the day. I'm sure the change must be hard even though I don't even think he noticed. I think because he is in daycare the transition will be easier for him then myself!
machonnold - yes, get them on the list. When my MIL died we had to put my FIL into the facility in Bedford,MA. They had no beds, so he had to go in via the psych ward. Since he was a danger to himself due to 'running' and not being able to take care of himself it worked. Check with the social worker at the VA -they may have places contracted for day care. Once we settle in one place I too shall have to look into all that.
I just have trouble thinking that he is ready for this and yet I know that it will be best for him, We have one of those May-Dec marriages, of soon to be 29 years and we dated for 3 years before we were married. I am an RN and I know what advice I would give a friend in my situation...(Nobody in my family ever listens to my very good advices so why should I? small joke). I have one grown child who has drained me dry financially for the past two years and I really could use a couple of months to get things straightened out a little more financially. Everytime I think I will be OK, there is another financial crisis. i am also working on not enabling anyone except myself...that is a struggle.
April 29, 2010 our dryer in the basement caught on fire. Carl was still driving at the time and had taken a grandson to school. When he got home things we pretty well along. He was unable to think well enough to call the fire department, the house eventually burned to the ground. I spent the next 6 months building a home. Living in a rental, and all the changes really advanced his ALZ. 2 months later he was in a car accident and we finally got him out from behind the wheel. He then fell and broke his hip. It was a pretty awful 6 months. We have moved into our new house (I rebuilt on the burn site) and the day care is only about 2 miles away, I can take him on my way to work and pick him up afterward. They will even give us both supper. I am 63.5 and still have a couple of years to work....I try to just take it a day at a time. Somedays I do just fine...somedays I am a total basket case. Geesh...my new favorite work.
Thank you for the input. I very much appreciate have a new friend steer me to this sight.
I agree with that. i am a R.N. and it s helped me very little dealing with this. I have a question for you guys. I am on BURNOUT. I have very few hours to call my own. What stage have you tried the daycare thing with your spouses? I tell myself no way would my DH go there but see that some of you had those thoughts also. The daycare here is fairly expensive but I am rethinking it.
My hb stayed for a week in two different memory care units two different times while I visited family members. He didn't mind either time. It's a good way to get some respite time for yourself (you don't have to go anyplace; stay home and sleep) and introduce him to being in day care or a memory unit full-time. And, gives you an intro, too.
I can only tell you to look at my experience so far. Check out these blogs:
Revisting Sooner Rather Than Later - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/Revisitsooner.htm After the first 4 numbered items, read the rest of the blog about deciding on Day Care.
On the Home Page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - Scroll down to the blog - Day Care First Day.
I didn't think my husband was ready, but I surely was. So far, he has adapted well. It's not a matter of stages. It's more a matter of if they have nothing to do at home and need the socialization and activities. In the Dementia Specific Day Cares, there are people on all levels. The staff knows how to put the similarly leveled people together.