Daugther an I went to visit LO today an as we walked into the place LO was being led down the hall by a gentleman that was also a resident,he was holding her hand an when they got to the end of the hall he tried the door,set the alarm off so they turned around an started walking toward us,when they started to pass wife saw me an put her right arm around me,the old fella wouldn't let go of her left hand so daugther had to peel his fingers off one by one,he wasn't very happy that we were taking his "friend" away,we moved to her room an during the visit he knocked on door several times an daugther told him we were visiting,finally as we got ready to leave the old guy asked if we were leaving when daugther said yes he said GOOD with gusto,While it was kinda hard to watch,I guess if they find some joy in their crazy mixed up world more power to them,anyone have this expierence,like to know others feekings,my guess is their both stage late 5-6
I saw it happen at the first care facility Eric was in. The woman was still attractive (and so was the man, had been a permanent force officer in the Canadian Army), and they both had dementia. He was always at her side; she didn't object but didn't initiate it. The staff watched them closely and finally had to stop it because he had become a nuisance to the woman. They wouldn't let him near her. I'd guess these two were in stage late 5-6. The worrisome thing about him was that he was used to taking command and giving orders and would fly into a rage when he couldn't. Whether they medicated him or not, I don't know, just saw that after he was stopped, he looked subdued and a little sad.
Ol Don--it sounds like the man is the one pushing the relationship--if your wife doesn't seem to resist, I wouldn't let it bother me. Although, I would alert the staff to keep an eye on it. There is a couple at my husband's ALF that holds hands--during an activity last week, I saw her reach for his hand and vice versa. Both seem to enjoy their relationship, but I could see that staff is keeping an eye out to make sure it stays within certain boundaries. Personally, I would not object if my husband would "connect" with a resident there if it would give him some happiness. He still recognizes that I am his wife, so I'm thinking it may not happen because of that. He has tried to kiss some of the caregivers (female) and shakes the men's hands.
it would be very hard to accept- but then seeing they can have a bit of affection and another to relate to should make us happy. i do think the staff has to be very vigilant it doesnt escalate into something that would be considered inappropriate though.
When dh was in an ALF for 2 weeks, there was a woman with dementia, probably stage 6 who insisted on coming into his room and lying on his bed. I reported it to the administrators and advised them that dh was not initiating the contact and that I wanted it watched closely, because if it escalated into something more physical, I knew they would blame dh (he was probably stage 4 at the time). The administrators advised that in the general ALF population (not memory care) it is not unusual for residents to "pair up". They allow it with consent from the families.
I observed a couple sitting at the table after eating, holding/patting hands. He's in a wheel chair and doesn't talk. She's much older than him. Staff was watching them. My hb pats people on the shoulder as he passes, but if he sat and patted a woman's hand, I'd accept it because my observation is it gives them comfort and a "connection." Now, if he walked up and down the halls, holding a woman's hand, I'd have to make a big adjustment in thinking, probably, but I do think it's comforting for them. (He recognizes me, but doesn't always know my name.) One woman tells everyone she loves them (when she's in a good mood) and hugs people, mostly visitors and staff. Staff in his wing give hugs, hand squeezes, pats to those who seem to want or need it. I've been going everyday since he was admitted at different times, and it seems the atmosphere is always loving acceptance.
DH and a woman were all over each other in his care facility. He introduced her to everyone as his wife, Betty Lee. It has to be frightening to suddenly be thrust into a big building full of strangers and nothing familiar. In his way, I think my dh recreated the life he wanted—to be married to Betty Lee. She was very possessive and would pull me away from him when I visited. Staff said they’d keep them apart if I wanted, but I said leave them alone, they’re both demented. DH had lost more than I could have ever imagined and I didn’t feel he was being unfaithful. He still had lingering emotions, he deserved whatever happiness and comfort he could find.
Bettyhere thats exactly how I feel,since LO is 70 miles away I only go once a week,the old boy is there 24/7 if they can give each other some kind of comfort I'll never complain,it has to be a terrible feeling to be in their shoes,I'll never begrudge them anything
Bettyhere and ol don--I feel just like you do. There is a woman at Steve's ALF who is about 5 years old than he, walks just as much as Steve does. I mentioned to the nurse that it would be nice if they would walk together. The nurse said he can't see it happening, Steve seems to be a loner. If a resident approaches him he will try to converse, and he does try to kiss the aides (I think because he is grateful they are taking care of him), but he hasn't formed any attachments yet.