I had a strange experience two days ago and I've been thinking maybe others have had this. We had yet another middle of the night call from our 44 yr. old daughter. She has multiple problems and we've been trying to help since last summer. It involves many things which I won't go into. I had had a very tiring day trying to finish up Christmas things that I hadn't got to. I'm not doing nearly as much Christmas things as I have done in the past for family members. I had taken a tylenol p.m. which helps me get some rest and I was sleeping sound when the phone rang. She had big problems and I just lost it. I began to cry and cry and dh took the phone and was trying to help. My crying was so strange it was more a moan than anything else. I could hear the noise of someone crying but it didn't sound like anything I had ever heard certainly not me crying. I don't cry much - just not what I do. I finally got hold of myself and haven't had anything like that happen and hope I never do again. My dh wants me to go to the doctor he thinks I'm having a nervous breakdown. I think I just need to get hold of my emotions. I wonder if I think somehow if I just cry enough things will revert and our life will be what it was? Sometimes I'm so depressed I want to cry and tears won't come and then this melt down the other night. Nothing was gained by that outburst. I still have my 90 year old sister who depends on me and my daughter who is very ill and has emotional problems and my dear companion of 60 years who spends his days confused about what is going on then I do this to him. Other family members think daughter needs to take care of her problems and leave me alone she's really not capable of this - dil helps with sister - and one son will help anytime I need with dh so I need to just resign myself to what is. Again thanks for listening
Meltdowns are not new to any of us. Some of us have the quiet kind and others are more vocal. Maybe you are trying to handle too much by yourself. You have a great deal to contend with as far as your dh is concerned. Perhaps your children should be more involved with your daughter. If something should happen to you, that is what would happen. Take care of your own health because no one else will. I am praying for you.
flo39--I agree with Shirley that you have too much responsibility with your DH, sister and daughter. I cared for both my DH and father for a while and that was challenging--I don't think I could have handled a third person. I don't know how you can "get hold of your emotions" -- as you said --until you lessen the load and find someone else to help your daughter.
Try an antidepressant. Some of the modern standards like Prozac are on the Walmart $4 per month list. It may not be the right answer for you, but consider trying one as an experiment and see if that makes it easier to cope in a way that is helpful to you. I tried one for a few months and decided it wasn't the way I wanted to go, but it definitely reduced crying.
Is there any way you can set some boundaries with your daughter that will make her feel you are there for her more reliably even though with some limits? Perhaps no phone calls after 10 but you promise to be there to listen at other times.
It sounds like your daughter needs more than setting some boundaries. She does not seem to care what you are going thru and then dumping more on you demonstrate her lack of care for you. Take care of yourself first, distance yourself from those who do not care about your well being.
Flo39, I think much can be gained by that outburst.
#1 your body was overcome by emotion and the crying was your body’s natural response – the crying activates hormones that help you to cope. I don’t cry much either, which is all the more reason to pay attention when we do.
#2 The crying elicited a “help” response from your DH – which it sounds like you need, but not just from him. You stated, “I'm not doing nearly as much Christmas things as I have done in the past for family members.” So what? I think as a New Year’s resolution you should sit down and reprioritize your time and energy. While you are caring for your husband, the other family members’ wants and needs are going to have to take a back seat – as a matter of fact, there may not be room in the car for them at all. This does not mean you are being selfish – it means you are being pragmatic. Your husband needs to be your number one concern, and in order to provide the best care for him – you need to be your own number two concern.
You sound so disappointed in yourself; I think you are expecting way too much of yourself. You can’t continue living your life the same as before your husband’s illness. You have to simplify and reduce. I hope you will allow yourself to let go of other responsibilities. Try picturing what your life would look like without these other responsibilities. Do you like what you see? If so, make it happen.
I thank everyone who took time to post here. There are so many complications with daughter that I won't go into here. She is ill and taking chemo but that is only a small portion of problems. Will have to try to reason out things better with her. I do feel like there is a giant load on my shoulders but don't see any way out. We always faced these things together and my support guy now is gone. When I asked my sister to move here from another state dh wasn't having problems as he is now. If I had known then what I now know I wouldn't have asked her to move. She is a widow with no children so really alone and she has had several strokes so needs attention. She seems content in ALF but still at 90 has complaints every call or visit. Anyway thanks for all suggestions.