Hi folks, If you remember my SIL in Ohio went into assisted living the last time we were up there. She got mad at DH and I and told us she didn't want anything to do with us. To cut a long story short we left and I knew she only had enough in her checking account for one month at the ASL facility. I Emailed the APS woman and told her. She took SIL to the bank and had her assets transferred to her checking account. Now my DH keeps coming up with some garbage about they (SIL and APS woman) made a list out of who was supposed to get what if there was any money left. He insists I spoke with the APS about it. NO I DID NOT. He also says he is back on the list....WHAT LIST? I have tried to tell him for his sister to change anything (DPOA and will) she would have to go to her lawyer and have them changed. I also have told him I don't know what he is talking about. He seems to bring this up about once a week and it is driving me crazy. There is no way to get him onto something else. Finally I told him to forget it and forget about his sister, he always ends up all worked up when he talks about her. If this is the mild/early stage I want nothing to do with the rest of it. Lord, I don't know how you people keep going.
Jean, My heart goes out to you. Stop trying to reason with him. Been there, done that. No point in the conversation. You are not talking to a rational person. Don't let it drive you crazy, ignore the conversations. I too, don't know what keeps the rest of the people on this board going, but I think the best is to retreat. Trying to explain things or defend yourself will do little good. I guess what keeps them going is love. But I have also thought there might be something (now don't you all come down on me) as something similar to survivor's syndrome.
Jean - I agree with Val that "retreating" is a good fix, most of the time...if I "go away" when my DH is upset (i.e. to the computer room, laundry room, shower, etc.) then after I return (maybe 20 min or so), he's 'all better' MOST of the time. And, I hope you will find comfort in this, but "this stage" will probably pass, so don't throw in the towel just yet...more fun to come, but sometimes, it does indeed go in a different direction. Eventually, he will not be able to speak...it is sad, but that's what will probably happen. And in the mean time, his words will be 'lost' more & more. To stay 'calm', I suggest the "retreat" thing too, altho I must admit I do try to "explain" things to my DH -- Rubbing their arm or back or head is helpful too as you talk to them -- keeping your tone calm...of course, MANY TIMES, I'm just too tired to do this...and thus, the "retreat".
Val and natsmom, I know you can't reason with a person with Az but I think there are times I can because we can have normal conversations other times. It is only when it concerns his sister. She has Az much worse and DH thinks because she was never a very nice person before Az that she can help how she acts and talks now. I gave up having that discussion with him. I have decided that if he brings up this LIST again I am going to tell him there is no point in discussing it. We have gone through it several times now and nothing is solved or decided so we will let sleeping dogs lie. I replied to another post about my DH deciding that not everyone with Az will go through all the symptoms and he's decided he will be one of the ones who won't!!!!! That one I am not touching with a ten foot pole. Thanks ladies for your replies. I wish you and yours a stress less day.
I sometimes fib to move on to something else. You might tell your DH you are checking on it and you expect to hear and learn more about his sister later in the day...week...month...whatever works. I don't know how others keep this up for years either. I don't think I can do that. I am consumed by this day and night and it is driving me crazy too. This may sound terrible to others but the one thing I do that seems to get my DH out of one of his many moods is I tell him I will have to take him back to Illinois where his children are and they will have to take care of him. I tell him he is making me ill and I just can't continue on without getting sick...sometimes I even go and get a suitcase so he thinks I am packing to send him back to Illinois. This seems to calm him down because he doesn't want to do that. We live in Calif. and he knows his sons can't take care of him and there is no one else except me.
Judith, I can't do that...we don't have children. His only living relative is his sister in Ohio who is in ALF with AZ and I am the only left in my family...not that it would make a difference if my family were still living because they would all be in England. Without this group I would be on my own and wallowing in self pity.LOL I'm not the type really nor am I the type who gets depressed. Angry yes....depressed no at least not yet. Give me time folks!!!!
I found it was much easier to stay calm the more I learned and understood about the disease. I started to recognize various "problem" symptoms and learned to try and stop something before it started. Of course, according to my nephews, I am the calm sister of the three of us. My co-workers think I am calm too (little do they all know.....)
I find it easier to stay calm because I understand more of what is going on. What is the use of screaming or having expectations? He doesn't understand and he can't do [fill in the blank] anymore.
Not being able to get things fixed that need to be fixed is very frustrating. I'm actually making lists for AFTER if I stay in this house. Things that need to be done or fixed or done my way AFTER. It seems to be helping the frustration, but not all that much.
Getting him to stop doing x, y, or z is impossible, even when x, y or z is what is driving me nuts on a daily basis is impossible and I know it. If I wake up in the middle of the night one more time with the bathroom door closed so I don't have light to get to the door, and I've got a barrior between me and the bathroom during the one time of the day (night actually) when I'm at my worst physically, I'm going to SCREAM!!! Only I won't. I'll get the door open anyway. I'll be able to grab hold of the sink in time. And I'll just go back to sleep. He actually thinks that closing the door is helping me, but I find that night light comforting. And there is no way to explain it to him.
So I'll come here and complain and vent, and discover half a dozen of you have this problem too. And for some reason knowing that will actually help calm me down. And I'll go to my computer journal, where everything is private, and yell and scream there. That helps too. I think acknowledging all of the frustration helps.
And I'm learning to tell white lies. I try to stay as close to the real truth as possible, but I know that in a few months or years I'll need the white lies most of the time, so I'd better learn how to do that.
As an example I've called my husband's neurologist and asked about his life expectancy. There was a message waiting. I didn't get to speak to the person who left the message, but did talk to someone who had a message for me from one of his advice nurses. Because this is going to involve at least one more set of call backs sometime next week, I also left a message that my husband can not take a message if he answers the phone when I am not there.
He heard that and wanted to know what was going on. I told him I was responding to a call from one of his doctors, but the person who called me was not there (true). I avoided all of the other truths. Not quite a white lie, but I've done those too in other circumstances.
One big thing I do that helps reduce stress and promote calm for me is an evaluation trick. First, realizing I'm getting to the end of my rope, I start looking at what is putting me there. If the event,activity,lack of activity, whatever is not my situation to deal with, I recognize it and ship it. If it is mine to deal with, I determine if it can be resolved and gone or if it is a chronic thing. If it can be dealt with I get it done as soon as reasonably possible and it is off my mind/back. Even if that kind of stressaor takes a little time to resolve, I get it on it's way--it is not hanging around. That leaves the chronic things. Things that come up because of hubby's learning disabilities/mental illness/Vascular Dementia or my (C)harcot-(M)arie-(T)ooth--I deal with as they come up, then I jam them back in their cupboards in my mind until the next time they cause problems. They are big issues, but they can't take front and center in my life all the time. As much as I can I also have projected worst case scenarios and worked out every step for dealing with them. I did that when faced with his mental breakdown. If you can work out every step for dealing with your spouse's suicide and getting your child and yourself through it--from finding him to post-funeral grief counseling, you can handle anything less. The potential suicide was circumvented, Thank God. But his VaD can easily become as difficult to handle. I'm working on methods and pklans.