No...I haven't totally lost it yet. But, I was thinking the other day about the one thing I like about Alz. We all get such comfort from the support we get from each other when we pour our hearts out about how this horrible condition is wearing us down, so I thought it might be kind of fun if we could point to one thing that is good, nice, whatever you want to call it about Alz. This one thing cannot be something your spouse did before they had Alz. So it has to be something associated with the condition. I will go first...so here is something I find good about Alz.
In the morning many times I will say to my dh, maybe we should go out to eat to night and I will name a nice place or I might say, later today let's go shopping, I need to go here or there and he gets a big smile on his face.
Well...by the time afternoon rolls around to go, I am just too exhausted to get cleaned up and go anywhere. So many times, we never go to the places I have suggested to him in the morning. Before Alz, he would have been very disgusted with me...now, he never remembers what I said about an afternoon adventure and I never say anything about it...and no one is upset because he doesn't have a clue about what I said in the morning. This makes me feel good, because I know I haven't disappointed him.
I think I may be becoming a more caring person, not so self centered. And, I have a shorter tolerance for fools. Maybe I am getting stronger.
Trying to think of the thing to be thankful for him, that is a bit harder.
And I am not sure if it was you JudithKB, that made a comment about being able to be in control, that "control freak" issues don't exist anymore , you just have to be one. No matter what, we make all the decisions about bills and really about everything. Though it is lonely, and you wish for help, there are times I am glad to do this.
I am proud that Alz is the hardest thing that I have encountered in my life and it has made me a stronger person. I don't like the fact that my dear husband has this horrible disease but I am proud it has made me more confident in my abilities. I am learning to do things that I never had to do before, be stronger, and like JudithKB said, when I make mistakes my dh doesn't remember and I don't feel like such a failure. This disease has opened the doors to new friends that mean more to me than some of my blood family. It has taught me to look outside the box and that it may be necessary to do things not quite the way we would normally do them if Alz was not in the picture. It has given me insight into the important things in life, the little things.
I like that everything is new each day to my DH,the sunrise,birds,pretty leaves,children,etc. Has made me take more time to appreciate things I hurried by before.
It has made me a stronger person. I always though I needed a man to take care if me. Now I know I don't. I am able to stand on my own two feet and not only take care of myself, but DH and DD too.
About DH, every meal I make is the best ever. He is happy with even a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!
That I knew I was the single most important person in my husband's life. Without me, he would have been neglected and taken advantage of. I like that I beat Alzheimer's on that score.
My husband thought I was his Mother for the last year of his life. He had a horrible childhood with her, I took on the roll and made the changes she should have. He was completly taken care of and he loved it. So, if anything was good, it was that we were able to make memories and change the ugliness. He died last Tuesday, I know he's in a better place with better memories than he would have had. God is good and I am thankful!
Oh, Lynne, I am so sorry to hear of your DH's passing. My heartfelt sympathy to you. He is now at peace and may you also find your peace. You did a terrific job of taking on the role of "mother" and changing his memories. God bless.
Also my condolences to you on losing your husband, you are an amazing person and oh what a wonderful thing you did. You know, my dh Mom was really mean too, and I am going to be kind as I can.
I love it when he tells me stories of his younger years or about his kids as if i didnt know . It has also made me a calmer more patient person. Hare to belive I know and I dont under stand why but I can handle a lot more than I could before.
Sorry, but I'm finding it hard to like anything much about ALz....it has perhaps made me stronger, and not so much a person pleaser anymore, I have learnt to say NO. I now have more control and am more independant...because I have to be. The best thing though is having ALL of you into my life now for which I am very thankful!! (hugs)
i dont think i 'LIKE" anything to do with AD but having to deal with the disease has made each and every one of us stronger in our convictions and made us become more tolerant and compassionate as human beings for sure. . without having been forced to take on this solitary role i would not have learned how to really cope under stress and learn whats really important and whats not, nor learn how to find strength among strangers- like here at joans. i found a particular encouragement that my grandkids know that my role as a longterm caregiver comes easier when you love someone, and that spouses stick together thru thick and thin, sickness and health. i hope this makes an impression on them for their own futures. so now, nothing about this disease is to be liked but we sure come out alot more able on the other side.
Well, I can't say I really like it -- in fact some days, I feel it coming up on me like I'm going to barf. But I will say this -- my DH eats some foods that he would never have touched before. Case in point -- garlic bread! Always hated it, said he hated the smell. For about a year now, he eats it with no problem. The bonus for me is that I don't have to buy two different loaves of bread when I make Italian food -- one loaf of garlic bread is all we need now!
JudithKB: What a great idea. ALZ has given me a greater appreciation of human element in life. When everything in our world is stripped away what's left is the human part. I've been totally alone in this going on seven years now and just this morning as the dreaded routine began again, I thought how having this site (Thanks Joan) alloows me to not feel totally alone in this. The worst is yet to come and yes it will test me, but thankfully I can come here to discuss with you all.
One thing that is truly beautiful thing to come out of this and it will be my lasting impression is this: As the leaves and bark are being stripped away from my BJ, she needs me more. It's good and bad but my point is she constantly tells me she loves me, even after I've lost my temper. She very sweetly says "thank you" to me all day in her tiny little sweet way. It truly shows who she is and always has been. Is there any question how I'm so disgusted with the families lack of attention to this still sweet and wonderful human being, my wife of 31 years. Tomorrow is my 60th and she hasn't a clue. Sad.
Hadn't read all the comments before posting. Lynn, I don't know you well but I feel deep sadness for you. Please take solice in all that you did. Bless you.
With my line of work. .retired education administration and now director at local university, I meet a lot of people and have numerous occasions for interaction. . There's not one person that I meet, where I don't wonder what sort of battles they are facing and battling that I (or others) am not aware of. . .I wouldn't have given that much thought prior to EOAD. .
Sundown, That thought is with me often and I am much more forgiving of people I meet because of it. I am trying so hard to find that forgiveness for my family. We all carry something around with us. And we all need to be greeted with kindness and caring.
Not sure if I like this, but...I am learning to live in the present, not looking too far ahead (mainly because the future scares the hell out of me). I am realizing that I have nothing to say about what lies ahead, so I should just concentrate on the here and now. Also I find a greater appreciation for the "little things" like the changing colors of the leaves, a bright sunny day, a smile or laugh from my DH....
I can't think of anything I liked about Alzheimer's. I did find out though how good some people can be. I will never forget the kindness shown by so many people who were just neighbours. Lynn, I am so sorry for your loss. There seems to have been so many of us in the last couple of months.
I grew up a lonely child of a widowed mother who had to work six days a week to support us. I was so lonely until I married and then was never lonely again. We were partners, friends, lovers he was everything I ever wanted. Now he is so unlike who he was. We're friends but thats about all and sometimes he's hard to like. So the loneliness of my childhood creeps back and I fear being alone again. I'm afraid of what is coming and how I will cope with all I read about that others are going through now. I hate this and I don't think of one thing I could ever like about az. It has taken our life together away forever.
flo39-I agree with you this d---- disease has taken away the most important person in my life too,he is here in body but it is not the same man I married and loved for all these years.It has torn apart the lives we had and the one we hoped for in the future.
I've been thinking about this post for a couple of days and while there are a couple of positive results from this disease the misery over shadows the positive. One thing I have found positive is a recognition through this web site that there is compassion still in our world.
My wife fell yesterday. Down the stairs. She was just in front of the careworker and suddenly bent down mid step to pick something up off the carpet (her compulsion) and just like that went head first down about 4 steps onto a berber carpet (unforgiving as heck).
She looks like Rocky Balboa after 10 rounds with the real Mike Tyson not some actor. But she didn't break anything and while there are big bruises all around her eye - the eye is ok. Her wrist is swollen and she can't use it right now and it's the one that she eats with.
On top of that my careworker who comes in 3 days a week for a total of 15 hours to help is going back to Poland for 5 weeks starting tomorrow. The respite center where I took her is panicky about getting stronger meds because she's moving around too much and getting into other people's space. She was bitten and pushed down last week when she was there.
So, I've had to cancel the second week of my respite, and I've lost my helper, and she can't eat and I've had to block off the floors so she can't fall again. This is the night the boys come over to play cards. I was originally to get two weeks respite in a row and it's tough not to regret agreeing to change it because she wouldn't have fallen there. But it was coming somewhere and while I was unwilling to block off the house until I felt it was necessary - I can see I was very lucky because it could have been really serious instead of just so horrible to look at you can't believe it. There she is smiling. "Hi!" she says through the purple shiner.
I told the boy's it was going to be really bad; but, they're coming (all come in from different cities). And I just got off the phone cancelling my respite. That home is one of the most popular in the region with a waiting list over five years long. In a kinder gentler place I could put her in for the week and they would 'get' it. But I will never regret that I can't get into this popular place. They care for them and they're nice people - but I just don't agree with their assessements. I have the only geriatric specialist in this region telling me she can't think of any meds that would help Dianne. So those two parties are definitely in conflict because I saw the specialist just three weeks ago.
I told the specialist I was going to hire her out as a furniture mover. She laughed but 5 minutes later there was Dianne trying to move the bolted down examining table and holding one of her lectures.
This is going to be hard to get through and always harder in ways I didn't imagine. I knew she could fall down the stairs but I thought there'd be more signs that she was struggling. Not that she'd just plunge one day. Her nose bled all over the carpet while the careworker freaked out about going to emergency. The worker didn't know my wife is a 'bleeder' from way back.
I don't know what it is people think they can do in an emergency room. I've seen bigger shiners and worse injuries in both football games and hockey games. I'm tired because I kept waking her up every couple of hours all night in case she has a concussion, and then the careworker comes in an hour and she's a worrier and is STILL going to want to take her to the hospital; but, the truth is there's nothing they can do. She worried that she might have broken or fractured her nose and there Dianne was blowing her nose. Don't people look? She's never seen one because a person with a broken nose can feel the vibrations of people walking on the floor and it hurts never mind honking into a tissue.
It's going to be tough getting through this. I can feel my own senses reeling somewhat. It tears my heart out to see that she just can't do anything anymore and yet she's always so cheerful.
Thank god Joan has this site and I have somewhere I can talk about it all knowing many get it. And thanks everyone for listening.
I'll leave this with a positive and true thought (for me it has to be both). I've been a strong helper to her and there isn't anyone I come in contact with who doesn't see me as glowing in the dark. But I've had real trouble feeling true empathy and sympathy through the same connection as our previous relationship. I always admitted to myself that I was supportive but not sympathetic. But I feel love again. It's right next door to pity but I've hugged her and touched her tenderly more in the last few months than in the previous three years. And she hugs back and sighs in that heartfelt way where I can feel the strings of truth vibrating into sounds where there are no words. I feel for her in the way I was missing and it's genuine and so even though my heart is in agony - I have found the way back and I'm grateful for that. The poor little kid never did anything to anyone and I now both know why I am here and am ok with it in my heart.
Thanks everyone. My god it feels good to have this place.
OH Wolf I just got home from a mini trip, to read this. I am so so sorry your darling got hurt.
You know, your final comments about how much you love her, oh yes, that is so wonderful. That is why I started a painful thread when my husband cried over the tv clicker, the pain, the pity, the love, it is so difficult.
Thank you too for your wonderful support. I hope your sweetie heals up soon.
Wolf, I was so sorry to hear about Dianne's fall, and injuries...hope she heals quickly. Your "positive and true thought" is beautiful, and I realize, so true for me also when I look back on all that George and I have been through on this most challenging journey...The feelings of love are still there, and stronger....though so different from what we ever imagined they could be.
Bella...you are so right ...the feelings of love are still there...so different from what we imagined they could be.
To me it seems like I am beginning to love my dh like I use to love my children. I have this strong protective feeling towards him like when the kids were little. The romance is gone, but his gentle soul is still there most days....I try not to think that this could change on a dime..but for now, this week, today, it is more good then bad.
Wolf: Hope things are going better for your dw and for you too. Hang in there.
I love this web site and have a special place in my heart for each and every one of you and I am thankful for you all becoming a part of my and Kathryn's life. I can not pull into words how important you all are to me and I can never give you all the thanks you each are so deserving of.
Thankful for something about Alzheimer's? Never. It is a life robbing disease and there is absolutely nothing about it I can be thankful about. If it were a person I would strike it dead. I don't even understand how the words Alzheimer's and Thankful can be used in the same sentence.
My opinion - there's nothing good about Alzheimer's Disease. Nothing. However, there is good that comes out of adversity. Most of you have named it - strength, resilience, self growth, new friends, new understanding, empathy, knowledge, education. That comes from facing, dealing with, and learning from, any life challenging experience.