Morning again!!!!!It just keeps coming back-living with ALZ. is like living in the movie Groundhog Day! I keep wanting to wake up and have THIS all just a BAD dream!!!!
Yes, it’s not a good day here either. DH is agitated today & I’m not in the mood to “pretend” that everything is OK. I hate this time of year. I love Christmas, but I hate the holidays. I have so much to do & I never was one to handle all the holiday pressure very well & now to put dealing with DH & his AZ on top of it all ……. well it’s almost too much. Oh for a day to just go shopping by myself & not have to worry if DH is getting restless. (He stays with my daughter for a few hours so I can go shopping or do whatever, but I’m always expecting a text telling me that he is getting restless & wonders where I am), so I don’t really have a relaxing time away. I so wish he would go to day care, but that isn’t an option either. No matter what people here say some LO’s just won’t go. Joan, if Sid will go SEND HIM! I would give almost anything to have a day or two by myself. Thanks for letting me vent!
for those of you who would like to try the daycare is it possible for you to take them to one a couple hrs/ for the first week and STAY with them there? this would have been my plan . to be there while they get accustomed to the new environment. the one dementia daycare i looked at was a private church that had one for specifically AD. and they were open to the idea of staying for a few times to get them used to it. they seem to need the security of us to help make any kind of transitions. i also did this when aides came into the picture i had them come for a couple hrs and stayed so we could all bond together the first times. and it didnt always go too well the first times but persistance is crucial. it seems to help them accept a new face if they see the old one as well. if i had to do over i would have used the daycare and more inside help alot earlier even if i thought he wouldnt be too willing. we have said over an dover how important some time away is so very important.
divvi, you are right. I think after the first of the year I am going to call the day care place I tried a year ago (unfortunately it is the only one in our county) & see if they will work with me to try to get him to go there. You might remember that I called to ask if we could go in as volunteers to get him used to being there, but they wouldn’t allow that. This time, like you suggested, I’ll ask if I can go there & stay with him until he gets used to being there. I guess it would be worth it even if I have to sign him up & pay for him to be there while I’m there with him. It is worth a try because I am getting to the end of my rope not having any time to do the things I need to do.
We had this discussion at our support group today. One woman would like to get her husband to day care, but he is resisting. It was suggested that the 2 of them visit the day care over lunch, have lunch together, and meet the other clients and staff. We'll see how that works. (the support group meets at the day care center)
elaine thats a wonderful plan to try once again. it ususally takes a few tries to get into the right frame of mind the first times we must make difficult decisions. for them AND ourselves. like you i was agreeable to go and signup/pay and still stay til he was comfortable being left. all of us who have made choices the first times had difficulties. most do not go quietly and dont want out of the comfort zone. helping him overcome anxiety of a new place and mingling with others may break the ice. i hope it works for you and soon you get the much needed respite hrs for yourself. we can really wear ourselves down without some relief. best of luck! marsh thats another excellent idea.
It is soooooooooo hard to remember what life was like before Alz. . What was a typical conversation?? What was a typical day?? What did it used to be like coming home from work?? The phone calls during the day just to get caught up?? The kids discussions?? The planning?? The spontaneous running out to get a bite to eat?? The household jobs that you'd tackle together? The splitting up of weekend things that needed to get done?? Reading the paper and sipping coffee?? Dropping everything and running off quick to catch a 7:20 movie?? Think I'll stop now. . .working myself into a depression. .A former friend called and wondered about DW coming to spend a day an an overnighter next week with her. . YES!!!
Dittos here. We're beginning 7th year of this. I lie awake in bed not wanting to get up. Because when I do, it wakes my wife and the day begins. Every morning is the same, the same, the same, the same . . . Not complaining. Yes I am. Now at night its sundowner and hallucinations. It used to be our quiet time. We have far to go and I can't think about it. Everyday now, since joingin this site I think of you all. It helps me with my personal struggles know that you all are out there. It's odd. And I wish you weren't. Holiday are sad here. Would like to fast forward to Jan. I too, in the last several days, for the first time in a great while wondered what a normal life would be like again. Going to the mall, perhaps out to late lunch or early dinner with holiday hub-bub. It was fun. Thanks all.
I have a little gal coming in every 2 weeks to clean for me. I leave her with dh and go do what I need to get done. He likes her and the plan is for him to get used to her so when he really can't stay alone, he will accept her. So far, so good. However, just last week he complained that I always leave him home with the housekeeper. I have told him that she is there for him to get used to for down line when he needs her, but he forgets and doesn't think he needs to be watched. I do think, however, that he will be fine with her as time goes on and I just leave him. You all told me that it is better to do this sooner than later and I think you are so right. I'm really not sure I could get him to go to Day Care, though, that would be really tough.
He is really good most of the time (except when he drinks too much); mostly compliant and good natured. He realizes how much he forgets, I think, and he is very happy to stay at home in his own surroundings. We take off for a drive once/week and that usually keeps him happy. Before it got dark and cold he would take off on his own in the evening for a 15 minute walk almost every night. I used to try to stop him, but he generally wouldn't even tell me he was going and it caused so much commotion when I tried to stop him that I just stopped trying to stop him. An alarm goes off when he goes out the door so I would always know that he'd left and I would start timing him. He was always back within 15 minutes and always in a better mood than when he left. Now that it's cold he's not doing that so much. I know that eventually, he will probably get lost and I will address that situation when I have to. As you all know, it's just trying not to upset the apple cart every day; most days it works.
I'm not looking forward to the darker days to come.
Elaine--I like Marsh's suggestion about going for lunch. Another suggestion--find out if they have any entertainers scheduled to come in and see if you can go with your husband for the entertainment. Some of the people who entertained at my hb's daycare were excellent; one guy brought a keyboard and he sounded professional. I remember during one Jimmy Buffet song I grabbed DH and we danced! Now that he's living in an ALF, I still try to go when the entertainers are there because it's a break from the normal routine.
marilyn, thanks for the good ideas & for the encouragement. I'm still not sure it will work out, I guess it all depends on how he responds & how much the center works with me. I'll keep you posted.
Yes another day...this is so hard. I'm so over this, as I know you all must be feeling the same way. Dh has hidden his wallet and we can't find it...in the short time it took me to have a quick shower he hid his wallet. I can't leave him alone for a minute! This paranoia is driving me crazy, hiding things. Everything is in his wallet, ATM card, money, ID, SS card ...etc he doesn't trust anyone, including me! I've tried getting hold of his wallet, but I can't even get to it as he carries it around all day in his pocket, he was going to shower after me, and hid it before I knew...arghhh! I haven't had a break for two weeks, and boy it's starting to feel it's been more like a month..I'm going to have to look into daycare in the new year. Bella me too..Wake me when it's over!
Oh Julia, I was going through the same thing that you are about a year or so ago & I thought it would NEVER end………but it did. Slowly he started to lose interest in how much money he had & the things he had in his wallet. Now most of the time he doesn’t even carry his wallet & in fact I don’t think he actually has anything in it. He still does occasionally accuse me of stealing his things & he does get angry, but nothing like he used to. My day also did not start well. I know that a lot of my problem is ME. I have no patience at times & this morning was one of those times. I actually yelled at him that I needed some time by myself. He is just so needy. He is constantly asking me if I’m OK & telling me that he loves me. I know that he is afraid that something might happen to me, but at times he drives me crazy! Our daughter tries to give me a few hours a week to go & be by myself. She lives across the street & he goes over there & stays with her for a few hours, buy it’s really not much of a break for me because I usually got to the store & occasionally after a few hours she will text me telling me that he is getting restless & wondering where I am. So then I have to rush home. I know how you feel when you haven’t had a break. Every stage of this awful disease has it’s frustrations. As I posted I am going to give daycare another try & hopefully it will work this time. It will definitely be a hardship financially, but worth it in the long run.
ElaineH...I pray daycare works for you..I agree a little bit of hardship will be worth your sanity. It's amazing how they all seem to do the same things.I can't even go to the toilet without Dh standing in the door way talking to me. I too am losing my patience more easily, the only good thing lately is that since he's been off the meds he's a lot calmer, by now he would be slamming doors and punching the furniture. I have been feeling guilty for being disloyal and talking about him, but I just have to let it out. My hub too worries that I'll have an accident when I go out, I don't tell him when I'll be home because he'll be watching the clock every minute. It's been four years this month into this horrible nighmare..official diag just this time last year. I don't wish him gone, I just need more time to myself to recharge batteries from time to time..some respite. I know if he was in daycare, he would do anything to get out!
But we'll hang onto that rope Elaine and keep going..((hugs to us all))
I am going through this "hiding stuff" phase. Because they can't reason, they will hide things in the trash. It might be a good idea for you to check the trash constantly in all the baskets. Because my dh is a perfectionist he actually cuts cardboard pieces to put at the bottom of the kitchen wastebasket. Last week he couldn't find his stack of cardboard pieces. Naturally someone must have taken them. He found them in his dresser. I always let him put away his clean clothes so I usually don't go in his dresser. He is afraid someone will take his stuff so he has taken to hiding them there. What will it be next?
Julia, I had to quit work last April (& I was only working one day a week because I had an angel for a boss…..but that is another story) because I couldn’t leave him home alone. He was staying with our daughter the one day I worked, but she was pregnant & due in May & I didn’t want her to have to deal with a newborn & her Dad so I quit. So since April I have only had a few hours a week by myself. He has been on Seroquel for almost a year now because of his aggression & it helps him fall asleep (right now he is sitting across the living room sleeping in his chair). He was officially dx in March of 06, but started showing signs a few years before. He NEVER acknowledged that anything was wrong & it took our kids intervention with him to get him to go to the neurologist. Even after his dx he kept insisting that nothing was wrong. Now he is to the point where it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t realize what is wrong. shirley, my DH used to sit & tear the newspaper into little pieces & any other paper or cardboard that was in the recycle tub, but now he has even lost interest in that. I am thankful for everyone here. Just knowing that you understand what I am going through really helps. Yes, Julia, hugs to us!
I've just been to the ATM with my card to get a balance to show DH that the money is still all there...he is convinced that someone stole his wallet. We have torn the house upside down looking for it. Boy is he quick to hide things and such good hidely places, one day who knows what I'll find! Tooth brushes in the sock draw, screw drivers in the undies draw..and on it goes. He has a thing about batteries..tries to recharge non chargable batteries. I too am thankful for everyone here. Just knowing that you understand and being able to vent without judgement really helps. My poor Dd lets me get it out of my system too..she's my angel. We going out ot lunch today with DD and DS. Thank you Elaine, Shirley, shame we are so far apart to really hug..
Wow people!!!What a mess we all have ourselves in with no escape but the one we DO NOT WANT. As we write what our lives have become it is so hard to realize just how much we all have in common.My dh does not hide things (yet)but he does like to distroy roll after roll of toilet tissue and box after box of tissues. I am fortunate in that my dh goes to daycare willingly at least one day a week. But he still watches me leave like that child at kindergarden and does ask the workers several times when I am coming back. Still this is a BREAK even if it is to go the grocery store. Hope you guys can work something out with the new year.
DH lost his wallet last week and we turned the house upside down. Found it in the wash - I washed it. Everything except his State ID was ruined - even the wallet. LOL Of course, everything in there was photocopies. Bought him a new wallet and put his ID in it, and made copies of a few things and gave him a little money and he's happy.
Vickie, I thought I was the only one who photocopied all the IDs and other cards in my DH's wallet. He also hid it for a long time and he counted his $15.00 until he wore our his wallet. At this stage of the game he never asks about his money.
I too have been going down memory lane to some degree..maybe because it is holiday time and it comes to mind how much help he was finding gifts for the guys on the list..he always found the best most interesting goodies...and I would make my Christmas cookies and fudge..and get the decorations out..and other things like the little errands he would run so I could get some other things done...
After I got home from Mass tonight, I said, " tomorrow after dark I am taking you for a ride to see all the Christmas lights in the Village." The Village Association had done a lot of beautification efforts over the past year and the decorations make it like a wonderland..and it is fun to see the houses with all the outdoor decorations...He said " I don't need to go see the lights and decorations". Here I thought there was something we both could enjoy..so I said that was fine, I would go by myself then. I will be lucky to get anything much out for the house this year
And my LO used to be so smart about scams...well two days ago we got this call from some dame saying they could lower the interest rate on our credit card..there were no problems with our card but our interest rate could be lowered.. I told DH about that and that if anyone ever calls and asks for any information NOT to give it out. That same morning, I went to work a funeral luncheon and when I walked in the house when I got back here he was on the phone, with his credit card out looking at it. He said earlier he wanted to order a gift for someone so I asked him if that was what he was doing..he said no..would not tell me what he was doing so I got the extension and sure enough it was that same call again about the interest rate...I told the woman we were sick of these calls I reported them to the FCC, FTC, called our congress critter and am in the process of taking legal action now and to stop the calls. DH had given out the card no and the security no on the back! Once I told him how dangerous what he had just done was, he was so horrified he gave me his cards...( over all he has been easy to get the financials away from him). I called the card co and had the card blocked and a new card issued...Now I am not going to let him have more than 50 bucks in his wallet either. He is always trying to give ME money so he could do the same if he is out with someone...which isn't often..he is not alone, he is with safe guys who watch out for him..
We just never know when they will do something out of left field like that..
I miss our old life...now he just exists and I feel like I am in a living hell.
I can remember when my DH was still home. He drove me nuts everynight. He always slept in his briefs underwear. He was sure somebody was going to steal his wallet so he tucked it down in the front of his briefs
I don't quite know what it is with the wallets and purses. My DH tends to carry his wallet around ( could it be to look at it to tell him who he is some of the time?) and my mom did the same thing with her purse. One day she couldn't find it ( we were sitting at the dining room table at my aunt and uncle's home) and every one was up looking for it only for her to find it in her own lap.
Still no wallet...I'm starting to really worry now, I'm sure he had it here last time I saw it in his pocket. We had been out in the morning, but I'm sure he didn't take it out of his pocket, I pay for everything. DD is coming to stay with him tomorrow, may be she'll have better luck at finding it, I'm so tired of looking for it. In the meantime, I'm finding all sorts of things in funny place.. Last night he looked so sad, said to me " Can you please tell me whose got my wallet". already he doesn't remember looking all over the house for it. Maybe it'll turn up today or tomorrow..maybe never.
Julia, my cousin taught me a little sort of prayer said this way it has always worked.. " Tony Tony Please come round, Something's missing and must be found". She said if you say this prayer to St Anthony, patron saint of lost things, you will find it guaranteed. Well to my surprise, it always works!
I wonder if you call the places you went if anyone has seen it? Have you looked in the car well? It could be there.
Checked everywhere Mimi....I found stuff that's been missing for weeks. I sure am going to say this prayer, it's worth a try.
Checked our account, nothing missing. I definately remember seeing the wallet in his pocket when we got home from shopping. Rang bank and explained what happened. Told the chap DH had sort term memory loss, and could they cancel his card. DH had to give some ID information, then when the chap said it's all Ok, card cancelled, DH was so upset, he got all emotional, almost broke down and thanked him...then the man was going to issue him with a new card...duh!.. I had just told him DH had STM loss and could not remember his Pin Number, so a card was not needed. So we'll just keep looking for now and wait for his wallet to turn up...it's here, I'm sure it is. It's so sad, but I'm starting to see the funny side of it all now...and keeping calm so as not to upset DH anymore. Thank you all so much, I am feeling much better now the card is cancelled...praying to St Anthony
We always said"Dear Saint Anthony come around,somethings lost and can't be found".Works like a charm. was one of the first things I learned to say as a child. Oh, my DH has one of those wallets like a trucker,chains to his jeans.Wears his jeans to bed so he will always have his wallet.I stopped fighting him to undress for bed,like is too short.
I told Dh about your prayer to St Anthony...omg, He said where we come from in Malta they have that same prayer in Maltese. A bit different in translation, but means the same. Now , this he remembers ..amazing. Still praying, now DH can pray with me.
I don't know what is going on either, this is a bad day for me too and if this is going to be a long merry-go-ride that I am on I would like to get off. Today my DH has been acting like a 2 year old all day and now he wants to cut my hair. True! He chases me around without scissors(so far) and says he wants to cut my hair. He also smacks me on the back and basicly does little boy stuff that is making me mad. I am tired of being married to a little boy!!!!
So I read the posts from Vickie and Bama the other day and thought to myself what a great idea, I need to take Jim's ID out of his wallet, store it in safe place and put a photo copy in his wallet. Yesterday he lost his wallet at daycare before I had a chance to swap it out.....shoulda,woulda,coulda! So off to DMV this week for a new ID.
I let my DH carry only his out of date cards,he's happy and doesn't know the difference.I keep the current cards in my purse,of.course, I keep my purse hidden.
i also took current viable info out of DH wallet and left the old expired cards. it may not be a good idea to have even a copy of soc security numbers on an AD persons wallet. this is asking for trouble if its lost. i never was asked about soc security numbers and if i did i had it memorized for both of us. its very dangerous to have that out there. a driver lic copy and a soc security number is al it takes for very bad problems.
yhouniey, divvi....that is such a great idea. At this time, the old cards are lost with the wallet, but I will remember that. Bought a new wallet yesterday, and did all the phone calls for new cards...the old cards will be blocked, so that's good, but oh boy, what a hassle.