A cold clear night with snow on the ground and on the rooftops. The city is asleep and the last bus with it's warm bluish windows just passed down the street a block from my window. My house is on the peak of a long gradual rise that tops on our court and my window is on the top floor of the house. My desk is a US army surplus oak table I bought for $5 many years ago and it sits right in the middle of a large window facing west. I watch the sunset every night and can see stars when I shut off my lights. I can see the lights of the city twinkling for 30 blocks. Most of the christmas lights are off now but the light show especially in the snow looks a lot like a christmas card from Vermont.
I wondered what I could do some weeks ago as a thing that would be interesting and I opened the drapes in the room where I sleep facing the court. When my head hit the pillow I realized I could see stars and went to get the binoculars. There I was laying in the dark house in bed with my head on the pillow looking out at the universe taught one more time that whenever I step out, life is always there waiting for me.
It's been an oppressive four days since my wife's fall down the stairs. She is finally healing and her purple eyes are returning to normal with a yellowish tinge. Her wrist swelling has gone and she's using that hand and best of all she's pushing the furniture around again and danced a bit when I played her music. I see she also turned her ankle which is now purplish but we are past the worst of it and apparently will heal. I have her in bed where she sighed when I stroked her hair and I have the upstairs blocked off. Now it's time to turn the computer off and go to bed with my binoculars and my cat.
My posts are always so long and yet I work to shorten them. But I have to say that my voice was right on that night the doctor gave me the diagnosis years ago. "This is a spiritual journey" the thought said clear as a bell. And all through the hardships and the losses and my tantrums and my wailing, it has walked step by step towards love and giving through tears and hardship and simultaneously while I am living my partner's slow death, I am living the birth of a new spirit. It might be post traumatic stress disorder but it feels more like a newly discovered value of life. Feel the force luke. And move over. You're driving.
Good Morning all. As I sit snug in my bed with my cat curled up next to me I envy your snow Wolf. Our ground here in the Idaho mountains is so hard and frozen I could not even get a piece of rebar into it, even pounding with a maul! I was sort of glad because now I can't (don't have to) put out my snowmen which usu. line my walk. They look stupid when there is no snow anyway. There is snow up at the ski areas but down in the valleys just cold cold cold!
Wolf I am so sorry about your wife's fall and glad she is healing quickly. Your posts are not too long I enjoy your view on life. I live in fear of my dh falling. He is 225 lbs. and I could never take care of him if he needed physical help. One of my friends recently asked me what I would do if he fell and broke his leg... I have been living in terror, anger sorrow just trying to get all this disability stuff organized, along with his abrupt retirement etc that I just haven't dwelt on that and I said I will deal with that when I have to I just can't add that to my fears right now.
Sometimes just holding on is good and looking at the stars at night or the sunrise through the fog is all it takes to remind me that life can be beautiful.
Wolf that was a beautiful post. I was picturing the stars and sparkly snow, all of it.
Grendelsma that is what we do isn't it, just hold on. Last night, I dug out some of my books , written by Christian authors. Now I have not been "mad" at God or any of that, but very distant and faith has been a flickering candle.
I read a chapter on true forgiveness, and so much came back to me, and the tears flowed. I have been very unforgiving and angry.
So even though I tossed a bit last night, with my two cats getting irritated about it, tossed and ruminated over the callous selfish peoole next door, I have forgiven them. When they return from their short trip to Maui, instead of answering their rude things, I will simply keep my mouth shut. It does absolutely no good to talk to them about most things, only their opinions matter.Forgiving does not mean we have to agree or even like them, but deep inside see past their junk and know that God loves them too, and they are innocent in some strange way.
I usually dread cold and snow, but after reading those thoughts Wolf it sounds simply lovely. I could picture your sweetie dancing too.
Wolf, I like to read your posts, they are never too long - you are a very good writer. Has this been your life before all this az entered - writing I mean. One of my sons writes for a sports magazine and he does other writings too. I wonder sometimes how he thinks of all the stuff he puts down. He just has a way with words much like you do. My little mind doesn't go to those places, I guess :).
The reader does at least half the work. You can skim the words, or read the words, but when you see in your mind you put that there - not me. Clown laughing. See?
I have no idea what clown you saw. That's your work. All I did was put you there in the position to play or not play. Like watching a play, you suspend disbelief and engage filling in what you think the gaps are with your own imagery and ideas.
What the writer does can either engage you or not. Whether it's a starry night near christmas or sitting in bed in the ski hills of Iowa, no one provided any pictures except you. Some people don't read me because of the verbosity. For me that's more keys on the piano and for some it's too many words or too convoluted or whatever.
No one knows what they can do. No one understands what they are doing. That couldn't be plainer on this board which is excellent for support but another window into the blind going through life.
No you don't. You are blind. If you weren't you would admire yourself. No one does of course because that would involve undoing the convulsion you have yourself restrained in. Stop and listen to the proof. If you had no experience with AD and saw your friend doing what you are doing you would admire them. You would extend that truth to every other person - except yourself. You should admire yourself. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Look at everyone running away!
And if that friend admitted their failings in sacrificing of themselves - you would admire them even more. But not a crumb for you!
Why? Because the self is tied up in knots that would make Houdini weep.
Frank doesn't know who he is. Moorsb doesn't. Coco doesn't. Joan doesn't. None of you do. And neither do I.
The biggest mystery is within ourselves. All scripture tells us this. All science tells us this. We are too busy punching ourselves to hear though.
It's so unfortunate that we ourselves are the tangled roadblock to our own happiness. Not Walt Disney happy forever after happiness - moments of happiness, real not imagined. When I speak like this it's my responsibility to prove what I say. So, many of the things we have gone through have been on both sides of pain and happiness and switch. The thing we saw them do that horrified us somewhere else gives us comfort. I am now happy my wife is again moving furniture but I was horrified at first.
Is reality really swinging around wildly like that? Or does the reader provide the believed narrative?
We kill the child. Life teaches us to do that. We have responsibilities and associations and so on and because we learn to be an adult we decide we cannot be the child. Ever. But every reader becomes the child because they are imagining and allowing themselves to imagine and then they thank the writer and take no ownership. Bring out the child in you. Have them over for tea. Ask them what they want to do. You won't do it if you're thinking like an adult - but the child can imagine and do almost anything. It's still inside you.
I know it sounds hokey. But that's only because you're reading this as an adult. "Oh there you are, Peter." "Panni. Peter Panni." Whatever. Do you want to come out and play?
Hey! I'm in a lot of pain and misery over here! Yah, I know. But you're avoiding the question. Sorry, but I'm an adult now and I don't 'play' anymore. Too bad. Oh my goodness, look at the time.
Tonight the child in me has won out over the adult- I lost my cat today and as an adult I should know that is just life,but the child in me has been crying and asking WHY???? My dh understands that she has died and he too has done his share of crying today. But I guess in his ALZ. mind he just put it aside tonight and went off to sleep.But me in my childs mind can not get past the feeling of emptyness that losing her has brought. And you know just for tonight I am gonna let this child cry,cry and cry some more because I don't think I like being an adlut anymore!!
Oh Betty, I am SO SORRY that you lost your Gracie. I know how hard it is to lose a pet that is so much part of the family. My heart aches for you. Please know that I care & that I will say an extra prayer for you. Cry all you want & I will cry with you. ((HUGS)).
Betty oh I am so sorry too. I love my cats beyond belief. you poor precious cat, oh so hard to lose a best friend like that. Like ElaineH, I will pray for your heart, and cry with you.
I'm a cat lover too and I'm so sorry to hear your heartbreaking news. And so many kittens deserving a nice home ready to love.
Among the most painful memories for me is the last hour I spent with each of the last two letting their tired old bodies feel the sun and hear the world for just a little bit longer before I let them be put to death. I will never get over those moments and I will never stop opening my heart to loving more.
Near the end I will take in a couple of old ones that nobody wants to adopt. Even if I kick it suddenly, we'll have had the times we had which is better than nothing for all of us.
Got my tree up..took 2 days...got the thing up and in the stand all by myself. DH wanted to help so I had him help with the lights..He did a great job but pooped out. I have 1000 mini lights on my tree..all different colors. Today got the ornaments and garland on and a few pretend presents under the tree..now to get some glee in the fam room and dining room..I miss some of my items that are in the attic but this year I don't have the time to get up there and needed some new shiny balls etc...so after the holiday I will get the items from topside down and sort through it and cull out what is worn out or just tired. Hubby loves his tree..I think this is my Christmas present to him! It was a lot of work..it sits in the center of our large arched window and looks like a Christmas card.
Losing a cherished pet is a blow to the heart. I also have a much loved cat by the name of Gracie. Betty I am hurting with you-really and truly. I can't let my girl out of my sight and I keep telling her how dear she is to me.
Thank you all for understanding and sharing my pain with the loss of my Gracie. But today is another day in Alz. h---,so the child must move over and let the adult come back to face the day.
bak so sorry to hear you lost your precious girl. i know as a long term caregiver life has taken new meaning to me and when i lost my little chihuahua a year ago it nearly did me in. i had alot of memories of DH/me tapped into those times. on top of AD losing anything we love is so very difficult. hugs. remember children rebound alot faster than adults, mentally and physically.. its good to be young at heart and mind..!
bak I am so sorry about your cat. It just made me have a cat-moment. I lost my 14-yr old cat PopTart this summer... He was huge and mean and mute but he loved me. One time I was in my backyard weeding and for some reason I looked back and there about 15 yards behind me was PopTart puffed up like a huge scary beast and 20 yards behind him were two loose dobermans, frozen. Jeez I thought if I move will they attack him, me what... I decided to risk it and stood up and tried to look big (I'm not) that broke the moment; the dogs rushed away and PopTart rushed to the house. I breathed a sigh of relief.
After we moved out of town Poppy also cornered one of the neighbor's labs in our garage it was shaking and Poppy was hissing. I told Poppy to leave him alone and he looked at me and the dog bolted. I have never had any dog poop in our yard. We had a lab for years and she and Poppy enjoyed tormenting each other.
I am afraid PopTart's fearlessness probably did him in, he disappeared one night...we do live in an area with wild animals, bears, coyotes, wolves, and cougars. My other two cats stay very close to our house esp. after Poppys disappearance. I don't let them out at night anymore. As I speak I am sandwiched between my two girls.
Sorry to ramble, my dh talks cat sometimes but he never can remember their names or genders.
grendelsma I have a feeling Poppy is still watching over you. I'm not sure about people who have gone on before me-but I like to think my pets will be there to greet me. Unselfish love.
Coco, I was thinking about you and your friend of long-standing and thought I'd pass this on this story in case it's of any help. I have a friend of about the same duration, and she is not well now and wants me to visit her often. I don't want to because she has become extremely agitated (alcohol? medications?), and I feel like I'm going crazy if I'm alone with her in her apartment for any length of time. For example, she pulls things out of closets and cupboards onto the floor looking for stuff for me and leaves them there, changes the subject every 2-3 minutes; she's was like a two-year-old out-of-control. After care- giving my husband with Alzheimer's for so long, it's more than I can take. The last time I was there, I was so anxious to get away from her apartment that I walked right into traffic without looking both ways. She insisted on giving me a bunch of stuff I didn't want, telling me she wanted to clean out her apartment. Then 2 days later, she wanted the stuff back. I dropped it off (another 1 hour trip), but didn't stay. I had been going to a stress counsellor when my husband was still alive, so back I went to the counsellor and told her about it, told her that I did not want to ever go back into that situation, but I thought I could be comfortable talking to the friend on the phone a couple of times a week. The counsellor said, "Your friend has deteriorated mentally, and she's frightened. It has nothing to do about the stuff she gave you; she just wants you there. If you can talk to her on the phone, do that. But don't do anything you will resent doing. That will only destroy the friendship. She might not like you as much, but she will respect you. And it's more important to be respected than liked."
thank you Mary75, much appreciated! Yes I do feel sorry for her, and of course will not drop a 42 year friendship..despite...the really awful way she is acting.
As one of our other ladies here said, try to "zone out" when she is goofy. The hardest part is to not get mad at the foolish mean tacky statements. I will manage it though, and be able to look back and say, "Well done Coco, well done!"
We got our furnace running. I replaced the relay switch today and it still did not work. The guy was nice to come here so we did not have to pack up the motorhome and go there. He had no power and he said 'I knew I blew a fuse yesterday but he could not find it. All our 12 volt fused are on one panel but he did not see the fuses on the upper row. He replaced a couple fuses and it now works. Day before yesterday we had decided to use the furnace instead of electric heaters as to not run up sister's electric bill too much - then the furnace quits!! Tonight I lost is with him cause he turned the electric heater on, told him we had agreed to not run it so as not to run up electric bill, and rely on furnace and propane that we have to pay for as we go. I dug him out a blanket to cover up with which was on the chair right in front of him which he did not see. He turned the electric heater off and turned the furnance up which was already at 70.
I take blame for the situation we are in. If I had worked harder to get along with the manager we would still be there where our utilities were paid. I let him know it is all my fault too.
The dingy NP at the clinic in Aberdeen will not call me back. She wanted to run thyroid hormone test again before extending my prescription longer than a month. She lowered it from the equivalent of dissecated thyroid I was getting and I can feel it. I am more tired than I was. I have 5 days of thyroid left and she better call back Monday or I will be on the phone every hour Monday calling her. Will be interesting to see the test results cause my research shows: high TSH raise thyroid, not lower it like she did. Oh well.
Guess my Christimas present has arrived early, but not sure yet. It seems like my dh has started that wandering from room to room or gets up goes to cupboards, opens the cupboards, shuts the cupboards or goes in garage, comes back, etc.
Is this sundowning? I ask him if he was just restless and he said yes. Also, all this week he has been talking in his sleep and jerking legs and arms and hands. Guess I will have to call the dr. and increase his meds. Just knew, it was time for a down turn. He had been so even for several weeks.
Hello All. I typed a longwinded thing and it disappeared. The original intent was to just say hello and thank you for being here. I lurk mostly when I get online. My computer is slowwwww.. BUT I just needed to say that I appreciate you all so much. DH has declined over the summer. He can still walk but is needing more help. I will move him from the ALF 40 miles away shortly after the 1st of the year I think. I dread it but the local nursing home will be 3 blocks away. It will be much easier to go in and help him with meals etc and if necessary I could walk. I dare not complain about driving when so many of you drive many more hours than I.
Let us all find every good thing we can in every day.. with binoculars or without!!
Judy some days I need a telescope but I keep looking!!Sorry for the decline in your DH. Maybe it will be better for you both when you move him closer home.Hugs and prayers to you.
Betty-I gave my little girl a special hug for you last night. For those who don't know it-Betty just lost her dear little friend who shares the same name of my Gracie.
Nora thank-you so much. I will not get another little friend so I would be very greatful if you share your Gracie with me ,even thou it will be long distance sharing.
I just want to wish everyone here the best holiday you can have. I feel that I should not complain about my circumstances when others that post here are so much more advanced in their journey. I'll admit that I worry about how I will handle things when our time comes and I remind myself (in the middle of the night when sleep just won't come) that I have no control over anything but my attitude so get with it girl and enjoy the good days. thanks for listening
To those who are still in the trenches: life does go on after Alzheimer's. At 81, I got an A- at UBC in the 4th year English course I took, and I'm enjoying going out on dates with the old friend I met after 30 plus years. His wife, who was also a friend of mine, died of Alzheimer's 2 years ago, so we have lots in common and are at ease with each other. Just wanted to encourage you all that you will survive and be stronger because of it. It's really a hard path we all walk with dementia, but there is an end to it. Love to all.
Mary75*, you are so right. Life does go on....and it can be a good life....if we allow it to happen. We are all proud of you....and enjoy your new social life.
OH Mary75 that is so beautiful, and so are you I saw your photo! God bless you for that uplifting note.
Aloha all, we are now leaving for the airport in a few hours, and when I am up in Canada I can use Mom's computer to check you all out, make sure you are staying out of trouble.
We have had "decline' this past while, it seems subtle but , it is not. Like many others here, I thought that part of this terrible, learning journey was a year or more down the road.
I really love you guys, you are each and every one in my heart and prayers this season. This is some kind of cyber friendship, a sister and brotherhood, and it is real. Sure we may never meet, but I believe we are burned in to each others souls.
Some of us will meet!! Mary75*, mmmm I love all the good bakeries and coffees in West and South Vancouver. I lost 45 pounds a few year ago..(awesome!!! looking and feeling good)., and those scones and such are a bit dangerous. There is also a famous gourmet licorice shop on Main I will be stocking up there.
Found out today that my former brother-in-law died today while golfing where they were wintering in Arizona. My sister, the one whose house we are parked at, divorced him in the mid 70s but I have always considered him family. He had 5 by-passes in the late 70s and was told he should expect 5 years. Well, he got a lot more than 5 years. I hate to say but my first thought was - why wasn't it my hb - he has no future, his mind is going, JL was still very active and had everything going for him. You know what - I don't feel guilty for having those thoughts.
Thought Christmas would be a bust this year,but two of my granddaughters showed up with a tree and put it up ,but made their dear Pappy put all the ornaments on it,he resisted at first but they kept after him and he finally got in the mood and had a wonderful time.They stayed for supper and him laughing ,so good tosee him enjoying the evening,usually evenings are not a fun time,he has drastic sundowning.My three rescued kittens are so cute, I'm waiting for them to get to 2 lbs. so I can get them fixed.That will make 9 feral cats I have had fixed this year,oh,how I wish I could keep them all.I wish everyone Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah,and hope 2012 will be a better year for all(including myself).2011 was not kind to me,too many medical problems.
Sound like a fun time with your granddaughter yhouniey. Too bad more people do not get their animals fixed so less would have to be put down.
Got to watch the grandkids tonight while their mom went out shopping. I went to their place where we ended up cuddled up on the couch watching videos. Tomorrow I will pick granddaughter up from daycare and let her spend the afternoon with us. She has a sensory disorder and with it being vacation day care has lots of kids with lots of noise. All the noise and commotion overwhelms her. As I was telling hb about her coming over and why it dawned on me it is just like him not being able to tolerate the kids noise and commotion when they come over.
jhouniey-homeless kittens are a gift from God if you have love to give and time to devote to them. That is how I got my Gracie,and even though she is gone now she will hold a spot in my heart forever.
I have to admit.I caught the kittens mother first and her fixed,she had three litters this year.One litter I had gotten fixed and the other she took the kittens away,I don't know what becameof them,so this litter I trapped her and VOILA,no more litters. Then I coaxed the kittens out of the barn,No easy task,but they are so cute now and quite tame.I also have 6 adult cats to turn loose but I will wait till spring.Most of the feral cats will come home every night for supper.My pet food expense is horendous but it's my contribution to the animal world.This spring I did buy a big kennel with attached shed,has roof and floor so they have good shelter when they return for the night. Local people think I am crazy,they're right.
Last night we were invited to go to one of my brothers but we elected not to go. They had white elephants. I guess even though we were not there we got one. He brought it with him when he brought our younger brother home. I was not at amused as to the content - a package of men's depends. Hb was even less amused. I found out from DIL this morning that in August they had a 60 birthday party for my brother and someone gave them to him - he thought it was me but we were not there.
Went to DIL to watch kids open presents. She was afraid we would not get there in time but when we arrived they were still sound asleep. Enjoyed ourselves watching and helping them put things together. She called later to tell me I forgot to french braid granddaughter's hair. They are going to her parents for Christmas (the ones who would have nothing to do with them until she separated from our son). She was telling me grandson refused to change out of his new 'lightning' pj's (from Cars). I said 'let him wear them' but her parents would go ballistic! He agreed to change into his fancy clothes for pictures -what more do you want from a 3 year old! Her parents have money and live in a big house where you are afraid to touch anything, kids have a hard time there cause they can't be kids - we on the other hand are not rich and 'proper' so we get along fine.
Coco, sorry I have to cancel lunch today. Am felled by a might virus. I've left you a phone message and sent you an e-mail. Hope you've had a good visit here and that DH is manageable.
mary75. seems its going around and i have the same bug. came on suddenly and sore throat is horrible. hot chocolate lemon tea a heating pad and chicken soup is the order of the day! hope you are better today. i started antibiotics the day it started and i think i caught it before it got really bad thankfully. take care. divvi
Yesterday while doing my laundry the lady who runs it offered me a part time job. I had to think about it cause it is 6 days a week: M-F 3:30-6 and Saturday 9-2, 3:30-6. It will give me the extra money we need and it will run through end of March when we leave to go back to my summer job.