I think what I just can't stand is someone telling me "things could be worse" Yeah? and things could be better too. I'm thankful for so much but I wanted to make new memories with my dh not just live on the ones we've made. So don't tell me that either!!! I guess I don't really know what I want someone to say. Sorry - I just called sister at ALF and listened to 15 minutes of how bad the food is there. On and on and on I really just wanted to talk about going to the church to see all the Nativity scenes next week. I am really down this p.m. oil on the garage floor and no clue how to take a rag and wipe it up - sad and heart breaking - Oh well rain and rain and lonely p.m. thks for listening.
Someone is going to pop up here any minute with good ways to clean oil. Here is what I would do....get a box to throw the rags in and sop up as much as you can, wearing gloves. Then I would use a whole mess of paper towels after soaking the oil spot with some soapy disinfectant, dump a bunch of and soak it up with the paper towels.
Then if you have the time and moments, make a cup of something warm and have a little snack. Wish I could be there to clean that up for you.
I had another strange suggestion from friend, she said, why don't you learn to laugh when he gets his words mixed up, or when he does something weird. (hmmm like drinking clothes dye)
I kNOW how hurt he would be if I laughed at him.
I have had to absolutely let stupid comments go or I cannot ever see anyone again. I think I am getting there, one painful unwanted step at a time. It is like climbing up that rope, and at least trying to stay half way up.
My heart goes to you. I am sending some south Hawaii sun your way, to shine on your face and warm you up.
Coco, I think that your friend acts out of ignorance and is to be pitied. I have to keep telling myself that because it seems to be a commonplace unless a person has been through it themselves.
This is for each of you, a big wave of Hawaii warmth, wonderful clear southern starry nights, the clacking of the coconut fronds...
A big stalk of creamy apple bananas, and a salad from gigantic avocadoes.
A mynah bird in one papaya tree, (this is a really silly rendition of the 12 days of Christmas.)
Blocking out the sounds of the barking dogs and fighting couple on the next street. And the ant invasions. I think in a way, it must be easier, even a bit, to deal with trauma in a beautiful climate.
mary75 it is funny you should say what you did. I know that is the truth, that she is ignorant. And yet after tossing and turning last night, exhausted with alot of work and a few sleepless nights, I knew I did not want to sacrifice our friendship of 42 years. She is ditzy poor dear, and like Charlotte mentioned, feels she needs to help, to have the answers.
Charlotte I think on reflection that your advice to get things in the open helped. And every time the conversation moves out of her world into anything to do with my husbands illness, I tell her...no.. we will not talk about that. I could see the relief in her eyes
Lovely I have all of you to talk to . This place seems so genuine to me, who else would want to be here? Not much fun to pretend at having dementia right in your face every day.
I know it is off topic, but I am going to find the 12 days of Hawaiian Christmas for you all!
Coco, You would not believe what happened to me yesterday. I was having a very depressing day. Woke up feeling beat down. On our way to church DD was in a snit. Getting out of the car she said she was "sick of me". Now to be fair she is 15 and 99% of the time is a very good girl. And most days it would have rolled off my back. But yesterday it just stuck in my heart. I went to park the car and it was all I could do to not just drive away. Never to look back....
Then after church I sent DD home with my mother for a visit. I went to pick her up a few hours later and I was still very down. We were talking and I was on the edge already and my mom was talking about a friend of her's who is sick. She said "at least we don't have big problems like that" I lost it and left. I cried all the way home. I know my mother was not thinking about what she said. I know she did not want to hurt me. Lord knows I have say my share of thoughtless things.
I guess no matter how hard we try to stop the pain, some of it gets in through the walls anyways. I just wish the hurt would stop.
I would love to hear the 12 days of Hawaiian Christmas. My niece is over there. Can't remember the island, but she loves it. The pictures she send are like heaven on earth.
ON the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me.- Twelve television eleven missionary 10 can of beer nine pound of poi eight ukulele seven shrimp a swimmin six hula lesson
5 BIG FAT PIGS!!!!
four flower lei three dry squid two coconut and ONE MYNAH BIRD IN ONE PAPAYA TREE
utter silliness
aw blue, it seems like only US, here , and the ones we may know that caretake our mates with dementia, only we know how devastating it is.
I finally just told my best friend, as she would not accept anything I tried to say, I told her, "I AM UNSTABLE, AND WE ARE NOT TO TALK ABOUT D. ANYMORE. THIS IS THE ADVICE I GOT FROM MY WONDERFUL SUPPORT GROUP ONLINE"
So that's what we do. I let her talk about her problems, she tries to steer it to how much she KNOWS how I feel, as her Mom has been in a home for some years. She does not see her anymore as it is too painful.
Anyone that has followed my diatribe on this, if they believe what I am saying is true, should see by now that this person, my girlfriend of many years, is a bit, well, sorry Mag, ditzy. very thick skulled. I love her, and if I had not made the decision to not talk about my mate, and to not get angry, our friendship would be over. This is not new, the platitudes were coming on the long distance waves ever since he was diagnosed.
that hurt you feel, when people say things like that, I have found I usually turn it into anger, not good I know. Anger is kind of a new thing for me.
Sending you blue all that sunny good stuff, and a cup of fresh harvested Hawaii coffee, or a mango smoothie if you prefer.
Thanks everyone over and over and over, dare I say...I love you?
blue, I feel your pain! I didn’t even go to church yesterday. I have a cold & I used that as an excuse, but I COULD have gone. DH doesn’t know what day it is so he didn’t even know we missed church. Usually church is very comforting & uplifting for me, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go. I did have a break from DH. My daughter has a home based business & had an open house yesterday & my other daughter’s husband had DH stay with him while I went. It lifted my mood a bit, but it has since taken a nose dive. I just can’t lift myself out of this depression. I know the next month is going to be busy & to be truthful I’m almost dreading it. Both of our sons & their families will be home after Christmas & as much as I am looking forward to us all being together, I am also dreading it too. I too wish I could make the hurt stop. Coco, I am very fortunate that my friends are very supportive & don’t say hurtful things. In fact my friends are very good listeners so I try not to go on & on about my problems. You are a good person to want to keep your friendship alive. I hope your friend knows how lucky she is to have you in her life.
Thanks Coco, and you are in my heart as is everyone here. I am doing much better today. I guess I can tell all of you what sent me downward. Yesterday morning, my DH woke me up with kisses, the kind we use to share years ago. Before all of this mess started. I started to respond and then it hit me. It has been over a year and a half now, no kissing like that or anything else and the last time we did do something it was a failure. I could not try again. I hated to kindly push him away and "change" the subject. But the full force of the loss hit me hard. Could he have know what he was doing? Was he still sort of dreaming? It was very early morning. After all this is the same man who I now have to tell what food is on his plate, remind him to shower, tell him what time it is, etc. All day it felt like some sort of cruel joke. I hated turning him away, but he is not the man I marred. I still love him just not in the same way.
Coco - sad that your friend no longer visits her mom. 'cause it is too painful?" come off it. She is in denial - out of sight, out of mind. I went to see my mom (she had numerous medical problems and dementia was only one factor that made her a state of just existing) - not because I enjoyed seeing her that way, but because I did not want any 'what ifs or what only". If we had lived closer to my FIL (3500 miles away) we would have visited at least monthly cause it was the right thing to do.
Now to your friend and you calling her 'ditsy'. We always called my SIL a 'ditsy blond" and it bit us in the butt. She is 3 years younger than my hb and was diagnosed at age 55 with AD. 3 years later my hb was. In the early stages she told us she believed her 'ditsy' behavior was the early stages of AD. You know they say the disease is raging on up to 20 years before symptoms. Her 'ditsy' behavior started getting serious attention after their mom suddenly died in 2001. I say she literally killed herself caring for their dad - she refused any help and died of a massive heart attack.
I would wager that your friend is terrified she will be next to get it. I hope not.
I commend you for the strength it takes to keep the friendship going when in many ways it is all give and no take. But you are taking - you are getting some time outside the AD world. Take it while you can.
If you have a facebook account, you can let us all know especially if you are posting pictures of your crafts - would love to see them. We also have a group for us on FB where we can just chat too. It is called azspouse. It is closed but you can request to join.
blue, I read your post yesterday; I just didn’t have time to respond. I KNOW how hard it was for you to write that post because I still have situations like that. Of all the things my DH has lost he still knows about the physical aspects of our relationship & he is still able to “do it”. But like you I don’t want to respond to him because I don’t love him “that way” anymore. Of all the parts of his brain that are affected I hope that the next part to get affected is THAT part.