Jang, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Gord. I believe no matter what we do, what we treat or don't, God will take our loved ones when He believes it is their time to go Home. In the interim, all we can do is the best we can in an impossible situation. Your Gord loved you, and I am sure he would have wanted you to have your respite time. Please don't feel guilty, you are an amazing caregiver. Love and hugs and prayer for you to find comfort and a measure of peace. You are loved ♥♥
Jang, I just found out...I too am so sorry for the loss of your dear Gord. I am hoping you both will be at peace now, but know your journey will take some time. Never forget what a wonderful caregiver and spouse you were.
Jang: On the morning of March 14, I felt exactly the same way that you do now. Even tho its been 6 weeks, I told my DW this morning that I didn't want her to go, but, know this, you and I did not make the decision that they would die and we would live. We didn't have any say in the matter.
We are never 'ready' for this. Your life will be entirely different, but all you can do is accept it. People ask me how I feel and I have started telling them that 'I don't know. I haven't been here before.
Wishing you Well and God's Blessings and Strength.
Thank you moon for bringing this up to the top again. It made me cry to read all your words. It is still painful and will be for many years for all of us. Thanks to all and thank you Wolf.
You too, Dean. I have been for my walk and to the coffee shop. This has been my pattern since Gord died. I walk 3km in 35 -40 minutes and then have my breakfast at the coffee shop. Since I started volunteering, I can only walk 5 times a week but seeing as I don't drive, I walk everywhere else as well as my morning walk.
jang: It is good to hear that you have a routine. That is what I need (must have) and I am working on one. So far, it has been a trial and error. Some of the things I think would be fulfilling and rewarding aren't, so I just go on to something else. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I don't know what I want. Do you think that's possible?
Oh Dean! As hard as life with a spouse with Alzheimer's was, life without them is almost as difficult but in a different way. I was lucky that my son dragged me out of the apartment and off on these walks. By the time he returned to Japan, he had drummed into me the importance both physically and emotionally of that morning walk. I find that my brain will be saying that I don't want to go. Before I know it, I am tying on my shoes and out the door. It is quite comical ,to me,as I find myself marching down the street.
As I said previously, we saw ourselves as caregivers and that is how we defined ourselves. With the loss of our loved ones, we have to find a new us and it is not easy. Just try to go with the flow and see where it takes you.
Jang*, your message about the importance of your daily walk has clarified something for me. Since I placed my DH in Memory Care one week ago, I cannot make myself do anything. I just sort of wander around the house, when I'm not going to the ALF (which I absolutely DREAD). I simply cannot think beyond worrying about him constantly and trying to fend off the guilt that tries to take over.
Thanks to you, I'm going to make a schedule for my days that includes exercise at the start - and a glass of wine at the end!
I just want to add on to my earlier note and clarify that the reason I dreaded going to the ALF is that I was afraid he would somehow be clear headed enough to demand I take him home. Well, today I was there (after my exercise) and he is calm and settling in very well. He didn't complain that I wasn't there yesterday. It took away my fear of visiting him. It also reaffirmed for me that he really needs this environment. I feel so confident that he is fine there that I'm planning a little road trip to Denver to see my kids.
Fiona68, I am so glad to hear that your DH has settled in so nicely, and that you can start to make plans to do some nice things for yourself - like the road trip to Denver.
Good work, Fiona. It has been a life saver for me. I am thinking about starting the glass of wine at the end of the day too. Placing Gord was one of the agonizing steps I didn't have to face. It has to be incredibly hard. I am glad that it is working well for you.
I was told that after a while, our DH's have no concept of time.. either they believe you haven't been to see them in months... or maybe they think you were visiting just a few hours ago. I left my DH for 3 days one time, and he didn't realize I had been away, even though I hired a 24 hour a day nurse to live at the house while I was gone. He believed I had 'gone to the store'. Imagine that, and I worried every minute I was gone and called the nurse three times a day or more. I've read others tell their spouses that they are going to the restroom, or to talk to the nurse,, when they leave.. Fiblets work. They sleep so much, they cannot remember just how much time has gone by.
My girlfriend stayed with her mother from before breakfast until after dinner every day for the first month or so after she placed her in a nursing home... even though the nurses said it was not necessary. Every morning, her mother screamed at her for never coming to see her..she'd be so mean and said terrible things. Susan would try to convince her mother that she had been with her all day yesterday and her mother never would believe her. She was so stressed because she felt guilty.that she developed terrible headaches and lost a ton of weight. Eventually, the nurses convinced her that it didn't matter if she was there 30 minutes or 18 hours., her mother would be ok, .. and she was going to believe what she wanted to. So gradually, Susan returned to her husband and children... and her stress level returned to normal. We do what we can do., and trust the Lord and nurses do the rest.
Fiona, you are blessed to have found a place your DH feels so comfortable in. Enjoy your little trip.