If you have had this experience, how have you dealt with it? I'm at my wits end.
It starts with me observing him doing something that will eventually break whatever it is that he is doing/working on. I call out for him to please stop what he is doing. He says "OK" as he continues right on with his project. I ask again for him to please stop ! He again says "OK". At this point it looks like a scene from a "Mission Impossible" movie and he must complete the mission at all costs.
He of course, breaks the "whatever".
So then I make the mistake of asking him, did you hear me ask you to stop. Yes, he says. Then why did you continue on doing it? Because, I thought you wanted me to. But you heard me ask you to stop. Yes ! Then why would continue on until you broke it? Because, I though you wanted me.
Can't you see me tearing my hair out at that point? All the while really wanting to tear his hair out.
Intellectually, I know that he can't reason and I shouldn't even attempt to reason with him. However, this doesn't seem like it should require any reasoning on his part to just stop when asked to.
Does any of this sound familiar? Have you found a way to avoid this situation? Please tell me if you have.
Funny you should mention this. I don't know the stage for your DH, but tonight I asked mine to put the yard chairs away. They are new and he was out quite a long time. When I finally looked he had broken the little table attached to the chair. This was my fault is some ways, since I should have watched to see that he knew how. And, at the stage we are in my DH really isn't able to help with that much, so I try to find easy things. This won't help if your spouse is the one starting to do a task. I'm guessing you just need to go help out...
My DH is forever trying to get himself something to eat or drink. This morning I heard noise and went to the kitchen to find he had poured himself a glass of soda and then it had spilled all over the counter. Later, he tried to get a piece of crumb cake and had dropped pieces all over the floor...to the delight of the 2 dogs. He continually leaves the freezer door open. When I questioned him tonight, he said he was just putting the soda away...it wasn't in the freezer. Stupidly, I said that the freezer door was open and he said that he was just going to put the bottle away. It does seem that he is just determined to spill, break, or wreck something all the time. And it feels like I can't leave him unsupervised for a second without having to pay with something ruined. And it used to bother me that he sat on the couch dozing and looking into space....better than this roaming, picking, and pacing!
I don't have an answer, but boy can I identify. A week ago a toilet stopped working and although I could fix it ( quietly) I couldn't get the nut off the bottom. He used every tool he has including a wrench that had to be two feet long.I could picture the toilet breaking into splinters.....The one thing I have learned is that I have to be right there if I am going to save anything from being damaged. He so wants to help and fix things, but has no awareness that he may be in fact breaking it.... I think that this is one of the frustrating periods. I want him to try to do things if he can and on the other hand there is so little left that he can do safely...
How about Mission not accomplished? Last night my DH emptied the dishwasher after dinner...no problem. I had washed the skillet and left it in the dish drainer. He dried that and asked where it went, he had put it away just the day before! I told him...in the cupboard next to the stove, put the paper plate inside and the pan on the paper plate. there was a lot of banging around so I went in to see if he'd put it away...NOT. The skillet was on the counter, the pan on the paper plate and no room for the skillet because nothing was inside it. It's things like this that get to me so I want to yell at him but I didn't. I guess it's something else to write down but I just think he should remember what he did the day before especially when these things have been in the same place for ages.
I do try to secretly and quietly fix things myself. It's a weird change, as I'm married to a long-time hardware store owner who has built and/or rehabbed numerous houses almost singlehandedly. But he can't do much with tools anymore without wrong cuts or just completely not having any idea how to proceed. I will sometimes ask him for advice, such as "what kind of tool do I need to tighten the bathroom faucet?" And his knowledge of tools usually enables him to answer correctly, but if he attempts to do the work, the mental pathways break down. He just considers it further support for his contention that I am a control freak.
Gretchen, I think maybe you need to be a little more "involved" than simply asking him to stop -- redirect him, or offer to help him.
Depending on what the project is ... maybe say "That looks fun (or challenging or interesting), can I help? Will you show me how to do that?"
Or, perhaps, tell him you need the tool he is using for something else, and ask to please borrow it for a little while.
Or tell him there is something else you need help with, and gently guide him away from his project to do something more simple. (Keep a list of things that need to be done, for use in emergencies.)
Or say you're hungry, would he like to go out for a sundae, or come to the kitchen to help with dinner or set the table.
I try to include my husband on minor repairs, however, It just seems easier to do it myself. Which is quicker than trying to explain how to do it. Since my husband likes golf, I set up a area in the garage for him. Wallpapered the walls added a border, even put indoor/outdoor capet to putt on. I decided I didn't really like the border, I started to remove the border to replace, he wanted to help so I thought what could it hurt, he was just going to take the border off. I made the mistake of going in the house & when I returned he had not only removed some of the border, however, the wallpaper also. I tried not to freak out, I was so frustrated. I did learn not to leave him doing anything.
When my husband can't find where to put something, he tells me that he just came here. We've lived here for 20 years!. I finally solved the "hiding his wallet" problem. He always says "those kids" are going to steal his money. I have him put his wallet under his pillow. That makes both of us happy. Of course, in the morning he has forgotten and ask me where it is. You would think that he had thousands of dollars in the wallet when actually he might have $20.00.
I deal with this scenario daily. just yesterday DH picks at his 'toys' trying to get into the battery casing. why i have no clue, but he manages to pry it open and remove batteries on almost all of them much to my dismay. thru doing it and prying many have been broken and i replace when i find somethign i think will occupy him. i see him doing it and he continues to pick and say ok when i say quit doing that you will break it. or yet says nothing but glares and continues the 'defiance' look.:) exactly like when your 2yr did. i usually just get up and put the dang thing away and give something without batteries. he does this again in the pm, pacing, picking up things-and moving them, including pricey crystal peices! and picked at the lamp til he twisted off the on/off attachement then i find in hispocket later. he picks ALL labels off any beverage he drinks til every speck of paper is removed. its just little petty things but yes it can be quite annoying. divvi
The other evening I tried to wash my face before bed, and there was no hot water. Oh dear, what is it now. I went to look at the circuit breakers to make sure the electricity had not popped, and heard water running. In our second bathroom, hot water was running full force. Obviously for some time, enough to empty the hot water heater. that wasn't even a task I had asked him to do. Evidently he went to the bathroom, and washed his hands. Then forgot to turn off the water. Thank goodness he doesn't try to fix things. I do try to ask him to do simple stuff and then watch while he does it.
be careful when they are around the faucets, my DH several yrs ago left faucet running in bathroom AND the plug in place and yep, flooded the whole bathroom , carpets, AND down into the sheetrock into lower floors..it was a mess. check basins to see they are open!
Mine closes the drain and lets the water run in when he shaves, and it goes out the overflow drain at the top and so nothing happens. Correction: nothing has happened YET. It drives me crazy!
But listen to us: we are dealing with people who have regressed to pre-schoolers. You wouldn't expect a four year old to be able to put the dishes away perfectly, without supervision... and you WOULD expect them to dismantle battery toys.
A few days ago I took him out driving. He read all the signs, street signs, gas station signs, etc... just like a kid learning to sound words out.
We "break" things in our house, too - usually by trying to "muscle" it together rather than step by step instructions. If I can catch him ahead of time, we can make a simple plan together so it will be successful. If not, watch out - I do try to redirect him, "it's hot let's stop now., etc." It depends on how far he is into something if that will work. He broke the gas cap on my car and didn't tell me. There is only one way that it goes in and he put if in wrong and then jammed it closed and broke the cap and the threads. The cap is attached to the car, so I guess he thought that was ok. The light kept coming on the dash and I stopped and found out what happened and took it right away to get it fixed. When I got home, I tried to act like somehow it just happened and let's look at how we should put it on. I got no cooperation that time, he knew he did it and wasn't going to deal with it. He said that he forgot to tell me about it and was going to fix it later. Like everyone else has said here, seems like vigilance is the key to stopping things before they get too far gone.
Muscle it...I say horse it...same thing. If it doesn't work the first time push harder or throw it! I sent a fax to his Neuro before our appointment for tommorow asking obvious questions that I feel should have been answered before now. We'll see. Tonight was a " it is your fault not mine" night...for a change I said no..you're looking for a fight and I'm not doing it....he mumbled and was quiet..very rare occurence...then as though nothing had happened. I wonder if his patches are mellowing him a bit...YES!
Briegall, I loved when you said your DH reads the signs aloud. Mine does that too, but mostly the speed limit signs. then he asks how fast I'm going. Sometimes, it's not a speed limit sign, it's a rte sign, like rte 22. No, I'm not going 22 miles an hour. It's really funny. My DH hasn't known how to fill the gas tank in years, so that's not an issue. In fact I try to get him to do stuff, but everything exhausts him. just a few minutes, and he needs to lay down. I almost welcome when he needs to sleep, gives me some freedom, although I don't go out and leave him, I don't have to sit with him either. I feel kind of guilty about that, that I want him to sleep, so I can do what interests me. But I only leave the house for necessities, not just to get out, although I'd like to.
Oh yes, mine reads signs out loud when we are driving. I haven't let him do the driving for well over a year and a half now. The other strange thing that I notice is that he repeats everything that I say. Or if he is going to going to do something, say brush his teeth and take a shower, he will tell me the steps over and over before making any move to actually do them. I often wonder is this his way of working out the details in his mind of the steps involved?
Ha, my DH has enjoyed reading the billboards and signs for almost all yrs after dx.:) we always marvel at how he had no trouble reading and knowing what they actually meant til the last yr. i know his vision and hearing are super bad as he doesnt wear contacts for many yrs due to losing them and hearing aides the same wouldnt leave them in so we opted to let him as he is. so maybe the signs are a validation they still have some ablility. i would think the repetition helps them absorb what they are hearing and it helps retain it long enough to actually perform the action. divvi
It's airplanes with my husband, he points them out constantly. For some reason he also is is offended by people whose yards have junk in them. They city re-surfaced a street near our neighborhood, after the job was completed, they left the road closed sign laying on the side of the street, drove him mad. I heard about it for 3 weeks until thankfully they cleaned it up.
In response to Emily's remark that her husband contends that she is a control freak.......I'm there this week. Yesterday I suggested he put his date book away until he was rested. He had made numerous attempts to copy 2 appts., with my help, and still was unable to understand when they were scheduled. He totally lost his cool, berating me for being a control freak among other things. I left the room attempting to see him as someone who is ill, but boy I am really having a very hard time these days. I need to find an appropriate therapist associated with AD. The last one I tried suggested ''marriage counseling", and i have been gun shy ever since.......jean
Before my Dh does anything he says just what he's going to do.It's really like he's talking to himself,even though I'm right there.He also counts every wheel on every truck we see on highway.---I do wonder why.
... and he counts everything, but it's not one-to-one correspondence. He rides a stair lift upstairs. 13 steps. He starts counting at the bottom and sometimes is at 20, or 10, when he gets to the top. Oh, and Ann, yes, the talking out every move. I think that must be common, too.
It is known as "self-talk." We talk out loud to ourselves to work through something we are learning (young children, or using a recipe for the first time. My husband often talks himself through a task and it is his effort to remember the steps and what he is doing.
A similiar situation happened to me last week. I call my husband everyday from work. Once at 10am and again at 2pm, to remind him to drink his Boost. I had called home as usual, he talked to me, assured me he'd drink his Boost, said goodby see you in two hours etc. I came home to all the ceiling fans in the house going, all my windows open and the fans for the heat/air conditioner running full blast, but no air conditioner running. I found him sitting his his chair sweating like a pig, I mean dripping. Asked what happened he said he didn't know. Asked when the air went off he said around lunch time. Lunch is delivered by Meals on Wheels around 11:10. It was 98 degrees in my house at 5:30 when I walked in!!! Asked why he didn't say anything when I called, he said he was trying to fix it. OMG. Where I live it gets extreamly hot, today it was 113! I could only imagine what could have happened if it was as hot as it was today. Sacred the Bjesus out of me. One would think after trying and not being able to fix it, he would have called me or at least let me know something was wrong with I called at 2pm. I only work 5 minutes away. I called the repair man, who services my employers business and they tried talking me through everything, as it was after hours and would cost 200.00 bucks just to show up. Found out it was the batteries in the thermostat. Now we've lived here almost 6 years, I didn't even know there were batteries in there, but I'm sure DH did and I'm sure he's changed them in the past. I know that little pink ever ready battery couldn't last 6 years! I learned that there is so much that I have taken for granted over the years, makes me just want to cry. Rae Ann
A year ago my daughter and I went up to the Maine island, Monhegan, where we have spent the month of July for the last 27 years. Left my husband alone for the one week that she'd be up with me. We've done this for several years because he has had increasing problems climbing the steep staircase to the only bathroom, and couldn't walk comfortably on the gravel roads, not to mention riding for 4 hours in the car. He has never minded my travelling (still doesn't) or going up; he just didn't want to participate. He had been diagnosed with "mild dementia" but since he wasn't driving much, neighbors were checking on him, food was in the fridge, and he seemed rational, I left him.
I phoned home the first night (after the 4 hour drive and the 1 hour ferry which only runs twice a day). He was standing in an inch of water in the kitchen and didn't know what to do - he'd left the water running in the sink and it had overflowed. I talked him (and my neighbor) through this, and came home as soon as possible the next day. My daughter came home at the end of the week and I went back up (I'm very involved with island doings and couldn't abandon some of them). And all went well the rest of the summer.
I think that was the first time that I realized how drastically things were going downhill, and for much of the last year I have been going through the stages of fury and denial and despair and I think I am now pretty much in the acceptance mode: this is the way it is and it's not going to get better, not for several years, and HE CAN'T HELP IT so let's see how we can cope. But from then on, I didn't try to include my husband in much of any planning (beyond signing the essential papers). Now I'm uncomfortable leaving him for more than an hour or two of shopping even though I don't think he can get into much trouble here. He's in Depends, he can't dress himself or undress himself without coaching, he just now couldn't tell me the phone number of his barber - which he could phone last month. Sometimes he knows me by name, sometimes not. Sometimes he sundowns, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he can turn the shower to the right temp, sometimes not.
He is who he is, not who he was, and it is sad but after 52 years - including most of the last five or so (when he was, in my eyes at the time, withdrawing from me and being hostile but, in my eyes now, probably just confused and angry at himself) I can't leave him. I just endure.
All of this is de ja vu. My DH would always tell me the speed limit and if I was going over (even 1 mph). It would drive me crazy until I finally let it pass without comment.
I cannot tell you how many unfinished projects, broken items, lost keys, and unkept gardens that are around our home. Now that he is in the memory care facility, I have to just shut my eyes and take it one day at a time knowing that eventually it will get done (with the help of my children). There was nothing that my husband couldn't build or repair and it was so hard watching him struggle for hours trying his best to fix something, only to walk away in total frustration.
By the way, I still haven't found one of our portable telephones. He had locked himself in our bedroom one evening during his sundowning tirades with all of the handsets and one is still missing. It was like that for weeks until we finally placed him in the facility for his safety as well as for mine.
I used to say "one day at a time" and then it became "one hour at a time. The expression is that God does not put more on our shoulders than we can bear and I ask him "are you sure?"
briegull, Ann ... very interesting. We've been walking by a nearby lake where there are lots of mallard flotillas, and my husband has just recently started counting every last duck, out loud. (Not accurately, of course.) I wonder if he'll start talking himself through what he's doing...
On our last car trip I was the driver. I put the map with the route highlighted in his hand. I asked DH to look for one landmark at a time. He instead read every road sign along the way. Drove me crazy. Missed the marks anyway.
We have already reached a point where he is no longer able to help in any way during a road trip. He admits he can't read a map and he misses all the signs that we need as well. Looking into getting a GPS phone "right now". Seems to be the only logical next step. Thanks for the warnings about wheel counting on semi's. I can hardly wait for that addition.
hahaha...wheel counting is one thing i havent seen yet:) but the sign readings...ahhhhyesss. but just today like magic hes starting counting his steps around the atrium hallways out loud -gets to 10 then starts over:)if you put them in the back seat with child lock then turn on the CD or radio they can read or count wheelers:) and you cant hear it all as much and i find it doesnt bother him at all !divvi bless their little counting hearts! awwww..