Recently a support group just for men was started at our day care center. I have been going regularly and generally found it helpful, although no one else in the group is dealing with Alzheimer's. Last night I was telling the group about some of the recent problems I have had with my wife. Then one man, whose "partner" has COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease), told me to "just accept it and get on with life". He said I was doing too much complaining, and that I should be thankful I have the financial resources to get help caring for her. He was definitely not being supportive, just putting me down. The facilitator just sat there and let him rant on. One other man in the group seemed to get it, and suggested that he and I go out for a meal sometime. I'm not sure I will go back to the group next month. If I do, and Paul starts in on me again, I will just walk out. It's not worth the effort to fight back.
So Marsh, Paul is jealous of you that you "have the financial resources" that he doesn't. The little green monster is a funny guy and when he attacks stupid things come out of people's mouths. Your there for Support and Paul can not give it because he doesn't understand it's support for all not just him. Can you ask the center to start a Alz male support group ? I do believe the support needed for caregivers for this disease in NOT understood unless you live it. I hope your next meeting goes better, and feel free to ask the facilitator why he didn't facitilitate, attacking is not supporting.
I'd say this is not a support group if a person is allowed to give advise when he hasn't walked in your shoes. Real easy to tell someone else what to do. No comparison between what he deals with and what you are. I can't begin to know what you are dealing with anymore than you know about what goes on in my house. Each of us has their own situations that we can share here on this board and often someone else has "been there" and offers empathy or a suggestion that might help. I went to the local az support group once and I was the only one but the facilitator did offer suggestions and some material to read. I suspected the caregivers had no one to be with their loved one and could not get to the meeting. I just now depend on coming here where no one judges.
Marsh, I agree with Terry54 that an AD support group would be much better. Even amongst AD groups, I had trouble finding the right fit because of being much younger than most of the spouses. As we all know, the situation is so different when dementia is in the picture. I think it's not as important that the group be for men as it is for spouses caring for their partner w/dementia. I would contact the facilitator privately and ask why he/she didn't speak up when that guy unloaded on you.
I agree with Terry54 and I would ask the facilitator why he is not facilitating when this Paul guy starts in...The green monster made his presence noticed and the others got it, no doubt about it. I think the best support group is right here at Joan's.
Marsh, since you found the support group helpful before this incident, I would give it one more try. If you find that you are made to feel uncomfortable again, I would leave and not go back. It may be that this man and/or the leader will have thought about the inappropriateness of what happened and adjusted their thinking. I've been in groups like that (although not a support group), and sometimes there is a sour apple and/or a weak leader, and it doesn't work. I'v never regretted leaving such a group.
Marsh, like the others have advised, I would contact the facilitator privately and let him/her know how you feel. Then I would try one more ime to see if there's an improvement with the support group members.
Maybe he was having a really crappy day and you were in his line of fire. That is no excuse for the attack, but it could be a possibility, especially if he had not done it in the past.
I envy many of you who have the means to make this journey a little easier - not emotionally easier, but what you can provide. But, we each have our journey and each have our story - it is our story. As I learned in abuse counseling, everything affects people differently. Being in a better position financially does not let anyone escape the reality of the disease - the pain, struggle and loneliness.
Will edit and add: I don't wish anyone to have to be where we all are, but I value each one of you: young/old, rich/poor and all points in between.
Narsh: Good for you to make the effort. Don't wish to taint the support waters, but I've reluctantly attended an ALZ/Demtia group here in our small town. Often times there were those so desperate for attention that they dominated the conversation. This left those not involved feeling empty. This, I believe was the moderator's problem. I would have to rate my limited support group experience a 5 out of 10. My advise, would be give a go a few times but with an Alz. group. Among the particpants there my be a gem, you'll know. Final thought. I've found more support here than anything thus far. Just my small point of view. Keep on.
Money can't buy health, as Steve Jobs found out. I think the man was jealous. People think we are doing just fine since my husband was a physician. But paying almost $1000 a month for 12 hours a week of care is beginning to take a toll on our finances. People don't realize all the expenses that aren't covered by medicare and supplemental (Depends, chux, liners, Ensure etc...). Marsh, hopefully this guy was having a bad day and just took it out on you. You're too nice a guy for someone to pick on. If he starts next time just excuse yourself and find another group. (((hugs)))
Marsh...your going through enough already , you don't need to put up with that. I agree,contact the facilitator privately and let him/her know how you feel. A couple of more visits and if it's no better move on...that's not being supportive!
OMG Phil4:13...that's a lot of money for 12 hours a week of care...
Julia--what Phil4:13 is paying is the going rate around here from an agency ($20/hour). Even if you hire privately and pay all the taxes, you won't get away with much less in the end.
I'm not trying to paint the entire concept of support groups with a broad brush...but even at the AD one we tried for a while (which had a mix of spouses and caregiver-children,) there would be individuals who seemed to want to talk too much. I guess I'm not very patient and wouldn't be a good counselor because I get annoyed when someone takes the floor and goes on and on without considering that anyone else would like to talk.
Which is only marginally related to the fact that the guy in Marsh's case was on the attack, which adds a whole new level to the fun.
Unfortunately, I can't go to another group since the closest one is an hour drive away, and meets in the evening when I don't have care for my wife. That's one of the disadvantages of living in a rural area. I have spoken to the moderator and his boss, so will see what happens next time. If he attacks again I will either attack back, or, more likely, get up and leave.
I went a few times to AD support group, it does seem that some want to hog the floor and tell every detail. I did not find that supportive, just a bitch session. If those who provide the support group, want to be supportive of caregivers then provide respite, that is the major issue which is being ignored.
Oh those AD support groups......ugh!! :) They can be tough especially when one person dominates everything, and when they are not really understanding or empathetic. I find more support online....it's so hard to find a lot of support regardless. I am 47, I have a 14 year old and a 16 year old at home and my 47 year old hubs has Alzheimer's...not many people can relate to us. But I am glad I found this group and it sounds like everyone else is too!
The problem with our local support group is that there were only 2 of us in it most of the time. We finally decided it we needed to talk it was easier to just call than get someone to stay with my DH to go to a meeting. There were 12 when we first joined but they were all children or other caregivers, not spouses. They soon left when they got the answers they needed. Facilitators worked at the nursing home and anytime you mentioned a problem behavior they recommened Prozac!
I haven't been to a support group here, ours is in the evenings too, I am happy just being able to be here.. At first I thought "it is what it is" I can't change it so I'll deal with it, but I'm soon learning it's not that easy.
MarilyninMD...I just could not get over the cost of day care there...no wonder it's so hard for folk to be able to afford it...here I would have to pay $30 for 5 hours each week for someone to come in and sit with DH, but he so paranoid about evrything he won't have it. Then I'm allowed 63 days a year respite that our gov funds...we have not had one yet...maybe next year!