I awoke this morning & for some reason I thought, maybe those who have had whole brain radiation (thanks Sunshyne for clueing me in) perhaps only had cognitive impairment that stopped "after the dust settled." So I did further googling, & found out for sure it was progressive. Then I came across a message board, much more complicated than this one, (thanks Joan) & found so many spouses who are confused about what is going on w/ their LO after whole brain radiation. Some are taking legal action, because no doctor forewarned them of the dementia. I felt what those were feeling, because even after talking to the radiologist, she wasn't truthful with me, didn't forewarn me about the dementia. I learned a lot. But I had to get out of there. I needed to come back to my "family" here, because it is so different from the other site.
I know someday I should start a site like Joan's for the victims of whole brain radiation, their spouses. It follows the same course as AD. I don't know if I have it in me, but I saw how lost & lonely they were, and were not given the information that is available on this site. It seemed to be a bunch of confused (not as in dementia) poor souls, lost in despair. Thank God I found this site & have received the information I have.
The confirmation that it is definitely progressive hit me like a hammer to the head. My husband has a $5,000 deductible for his health insurance & can't even pay the $3,800 on the property taxes. I am worried I will have people coming after me for his debts. Tomorrow, I will need to make an appointment with the divorce attorney.
Today I rewrote my resume with the objective being to teach in a preschool setting. Tomorrow I will visit all the places I called last week. Somebody please God give me a job.
Val, so sorry for the validation you received. i know the confirmation is mindboggling. if you are going thru wtih the divorce action, then get that done asap, you know after its done and you can objectively look at HIS situation you may be able to give him guidance from outside the marriage and all the problems he is going to have. at least you will have protected yourself and wont have to be responsible for his actions anymore. like you say healthwise he will have lots of medical bills in the future, and he may wind up losing that property on top of it if he doesnt keep up with the taxes. they dont waste time putting leins on property these days, i know firsthand. stay positive about the job. you will get something soon. divvi
divvi, Sorry to hear about your sister. I can only imagine how that might have felt. It's almost like she's gloating, is that a word? Rubbing it in your face. Thanks for your support and encouragement. It is mind boggling. I thought I might have found the "escape clause." Nope.
I looked it up on the Internet, and property taxes that are not paid, they do not put a lien on the house until the following December, which means we have a year & 1/2 to deal with this. So right now, I'm not sweating that.
Called the divorce attorney the elder law attorney recommended today. He doesn't give free consultations. So, I will have to go back to the elder law attorney & ask for another recommendation.
A friend of mine called today & said she had paid for a beach house for a week, but had to return home, did I want it for free. Oh gladly, if I weren't in a survival mode. Told her (finally) about my situation. Maybe if I'm lucky, I can head out to the beach at the end of the week. Survival first.
Bite the bullet & go where? This has been my home for 10 years & I never expected this. If the #***@@ doctors had given me a clue, I could have made plans. This is all so unexpected. They KNEW. I as a lay person have been able to find out all. (with the help of Sunshyne.) Not a word of warning. I could wring that radiologist's neck. Who was she trying to kid? "Their brains age 10 to 15 years & each person ages differently." I want to track her down. She had to have known. Please.
I just have to bide my time, hope for a job to sustain myself & move forward.
I called his brother again tonight, big mistake. I told him to google (what is that?) the words whole brain radiation, etc. He said, well you are doing much better than most married couples. He is such a dimwit. I swear, I think he is retarded.
Val, you are back to avoiding and procrastinating and finding excuses. Be a good girl and get on the phone and make an appointment with the divorce attorney that was recommended. Starling is absolutely right. You need to know exactly what you are facing and exactly what you need to do, and WHEN. Waiting too long to take action could be financially disastrous for you. You could end up owing every penny you make at a new job to pay your husband's debts.
I went on 4 interviews today for preschool teacher. 2 I am very interested in & going back for my second interviews Thurs./Fri. When I have landed a job, I will most certainly get to the next step. I feel really excited that I may have discovered a new career which would allow me to support myself. I can't put the cart before the horse. I MUST be self sustaining. That is where my focus is right now. I know I need advice, but I can't afford to pay for it. I am trying to get back to the elder law attorney for another referral that would be a free consultation. We keep missing each other. I can't have him call here, so I just have to keep working around his schedule. I am completely aware now of the potential ramifications. I haven't noticed too many others mentioning their spouses mishandling finances. Am I unique in this?
I have taken over our finances because my husband just dropped the ball, and I wasn't aware enough to know. My fault for not being on top of things for our personal finances..did the office stuff, but left the other to him and HELLO! We finally just got the IRS off our back, but not really his fault..their error, but of course we paid for it! Now I am eagle eye on all our stuff..not my thing, but it scares the P out of me to think of the alternatives. It has taken months to play catch up, but I HOPE I am there finally. So bloody scary!
Val; Unfortunately we share that in common. For awhile after he left work my husband tried day trading. Need I say more??? At one point the checking account which by the register indicated we had $2,000. actually had $13. Later when I took it over and tried to discuss things with him, he always said that it wasn't messed up until I started doing the finances.... The one thing that kept me sane is that I was/am still working and at least I will have a pension/retirement money. Not much but still helpful It's great you are moving forward....
I took the finances over 35 years ago, but until about 3 years ago we talked about the bills every time I paid a bunch of them. I'm not sure why I stopped. It was well before he was diagnosed. He just didn't seem to care anymore.
Outside of buying some very weird things, like cases of $80 wines that need to be stored for 15 years before they are drinkable, he didn't mess us up mainly because I was the one doing the financial stuff. But think of how much trouble we would have been in if I had been the person with dementia. Scary.
Not a chance you are alone, Val. when we tell you get to an atty asap, its for your own good to get things rolling . Even though i was doing the 'home' bills etc, my DH was a very good atty who all his career did not carry malpractice insur. need i say more? well looking back now, i wonder if a couple of the MALPRACTICE lawsuits at the end of his career were due to AD? he was sued for missing important date and then for telling a client he would not be sent to jail..he settled with each them without lawsuits, thru his business and used his 6figure insur policy to pay for the first one..then settled on a monthly payment on another. long story short, he lost both insurance policies due to taking out loans on them and not paying back, which i didnt find out til too late, and he signed a contract for for MORE than 6figures to the second person. and you guessed it, since he signed the contract AFTER we were married we are both liable for any debts either signs for during the marriage knowing or not-.i was shocked at how much he agreed upon and there was an intermediary present who says DH willingly agreed to that- we have been paying since '99 and its nowhere near ending. so when we say there may be outstanding debts you are unaware of it may be very true. my advice is to check both your credit reports and see if anything looks new and check your insurance policies and anything a loan can be taken on...so there are no surprises later! divvi
Oh my Goodness, we're not in Kansas anymore, are we? Day trading, oh yes. (Even though he told me that most was in long terms investments.) And those malpractice lawsuits! I would bet they were due to AD, since they were near the end of his career. Guess you can't go back retroactively & say his decisions were based on AD. Terrible!
I will try to check out what I can, he does most everything on the computer. & I will hopefully have some good news about a job within the month.