I know I have shared in the past how much I miss being a "princesss". I really liked my dh taking care of almost all of the business and I just got to skate along taking care of meals, kid issues, vacations, etc. Well, all that came to a screeching halt about 2 years ago and I have been an on and off wreck because of all this new responsibility since then. All summer I have been totally consumed with home improvement projects (our house is 12 years old and it is time), consolidating our financial picture, taking care of dh, etc. and feeling very, very stretched. Today, as I was, once again, supervising a home project with a handyman who was less handy than myself and fixing window shades and fixing caulking in the shower (handyman's job, but he didn't know what he was doing); I found myself starting to resent all this intrusion, once again. As I was driving to the hardware store to buy the "proper" color of caulking and feeling very sorry for myself, I suddenly realized that I really didn't need to let this incident ruin my day and then, right after that blinding realization, I also discovered that I was feeling very empowered. I have had to learn so many things to survive this past 2 years (kicking and screaming all the way), and all of the sudden I realized that "hey, this isn't so bad, I can do this, I'm not so dependent as I used to be - not such a bad thing." Funny how all of the sudden this realization comes over me. Much better feeling than feeling sorry for myself and resentful. Just had to share that.
Knowing how to do something yourself does make you feel good. My husband was always seemed to be at work due to the strange schedule is company was on. He worked for a paper mill and they used a schedule called a Northern swing shift. This meant he worked 7 days of midnights, 2 days off, 7 days of afternoons, 1 day off and 7 days of days with 4 days off. He never knew the date and was always tired. He was only off one weekend a month. If I wanted anything done, I had to do it myself. I am now the one my family calls when they need something minor fixed. Even my dad will say, "Deb can fix that". So this is one area that his disease hasn't really changed.
I have lots of little improvement things needing done too but as long as DH is going to argue about it I'll just let it wait a bit longer. The intrusion of handymen or workers just makes things more complicated at this point.
Boy, do I understand the "intrusion" part; both of us are really getting tired of sharing our house with strangers, even if they are there because I asked them to be and are fixing something. Fortunately, dh got over thinking that he could do all of these things about a year ago; until then, it was difficult to get things done and I, too, had to let a lot slide - hence my busy year of home improvements :-). I sure wish he'd get over not being able to drive, though.
deb112958-like you I have always been the "handyman" around our house.My dh worked at a plant with the same shift patteren as yours. Was a pain inthe butt! Something always breakng when he was at work so I learned early on how to do things aroun the house.The gardens and yard work was always mine too. Raiseing our girls was pretty much all mine too.So these things are not different now EXCEPT trying to do hem with a ALZ husband!!!!!Now I have to try to keep everything gon and watch him every minute too. Guess you know whAT I mean! Needless to say lots of things just do not get done anymore.
I had the same feeling of empowerment. My husband did everything and I enjoyed it. Always hoped I would die first-oh well. My kids were proud of me when I bought my first car by myself. Since then I have redone my entire house. Enjoyed making my own decisions and not having to worry about my husband raging with everyone.
Mothert - your story is much like mine. My dh always took care of all repairs - he is/was a great woodworker - made quality furniture - could fix anything that broke. The only thing he did not like to do was paint. He was so messy I didn't want him to either so I did the painting. He also took care of all finances - his hobby besides wood was/is reading about investments and doing a bit of it himself. This was our arrangement and we both agreed on this. But about two years ago it became evident that he could no longer manage even the checkbook. I've been learning and I'm not very good but have no choice. I'll be looking for a handyman for some work that dh could have done and at very little cost. New world and it'll take me awhile longer to adjust to where you are now. Good for you!
Feeling a bit guilty at wishing I could just go ahead and do things as I want..nothing around the house has been done for 4 years,the house is looking tired and neglected, a bit like me! While Dh was in hospital for 3 months following his fall from the roof, I managed really well, ashamed to say I even enjoyed having some time to myself..doing as I please. A simple job is like a monumental task to him now, and I end up telling him how to do it ...so I just don't worry about things anymore.. Today he is walking around the house looking for something, he doesn't know what he's looking for and saying he wishes someone leaves his stuff alone..I guess I'm that someone...I dare not touch anything of his! Another guilt is hoping this does not drag on for years and feeling disloyal for feeling this...it's getting harder, am I selfish for feeling this way.
I agree, that schedule was a pain in the butt. He worked it for 19 years until he could no longer work. He was always tired but he did do the yardwork. I hate yardwork and hate that I have to do it. Our lawnmower broke down this year, but I've been lucky that a neighbor has been doing the mowing for me since then but I can't expect her to continue to do it. I get tired just thinking about it.
I am still in awe reading all your thoughts that you took out of MY head..(lol)?
My mate used to be SO handy, now not at all. He does not even attempt anymore. So last week when the water pump broke, the power went off, the wasps nests were swarming, the mean dogs needed a pellet...
yes I do it all. Lucky I was good at doing yards, now I am learning tools and basic repairs.
Tonight I told him, oh I am so tired , I will heat up the leftover rice and you can cook eggs...
Bad decision. He put SO much oil in the pan, and plopped in two eggs before it was even hot. Then he left the plastic spatula in the pot while it was cooking.
He used to love to cook, now, I am learning. My "old" job was to cook the eternal rice each day, and make the veggie, now I make the main course too. That's what I get for all my single years eating a bowl of cereal for dinner!
Now, I must admit that even though I do feel empowered by my new found abilities, I still long for my prince to take care of me as he used to. Ahhhh, those days are long gone. And, Julia, don't feel guilty about not wanting this nightmare to go on and on - I have always thought it would be so much more humane for dh to go quickly and not be sentenced to a declining life without his dignity. He was/is a very proud man and it breaks my heart to see what he is being reduced to - I'm not sure I can bear what is to come.
I agree...no need to feel guilty just because you want the nightmare of this awful, lingering illness to end. I have the same thoughts on a daily basis, usually when I am helping him to do the most basic of ADLs...showereing, toileting, eating simple meals... It truly is heartbreaking to watch, and I keep thinking back to what kind of person he was before AD. He would be devastated if he were more "aware" of how his abilities have diminished. My new-found empowerment is not always something I enjoy, either. I loved when he would think of some new home improvement projects, and we would do them together, sometimes getting our kids involved. Guess I am fortunate to still have those memories...
Okay, today I'm not feeling so empowered anymore. My dh has been on a steady downward slide for the past few months; his comprehension and memory are slipping more and more each day to the point where I've been having to "show" him what I'm talking about because he isn't getting the word pictures. So, back to today ... I spent hours taping and caulking our tile shower because the handyman I have hired screwed up each indoors task I gave him, including the shower and I decided I should just do it myself, which I did. So, dh decides he needs to take a shower tonight and we discuss that he cannot use the master shower because the caulking needs more time to cure. Okay, he gets it, right? Wrong! He goes in to shower and I am making dinner. Later I go into the mbth to admire my handywork and, damn, if he didn't take a shower in there. I was so upset and I know he felt very bad about it; it took me quite a while to get over my ruined shower and realization that I must watch him more closely and cannot accept that he understands anything anymore and will follow through. I went into the water closet and had a good cry. SO MUCH FOR EMPOWERMENT??
Arggg Rosemary-I am so sorry. For a while it seemed like my husband was following me around the house undoing everything I had just done so I know the feeling.
I am new around here and yes I so get this. One day I am feeling the empowerment thing and am amazed at all I have accomplished and bang the next days frustrations and tears. It's a roller coaster ride for sure. Nice to know that I am not alone on the coaster!!! :)
Oh no, not alone; all to many of us out here. I can't believe all the people I know who have AD somewhere in their families. I never heard about this before my dh was dx. Maybe I should march on New York, Seattle, or any of those other places and protest??