Hello to all, it's been a long time since I have been here, sort of felt like things were really "better" with my husband than most...and after the initial shock, I have been just adjusting and trying to live the "normal" life! The problem I have is, my husband was diagnosed at 57 with EOAD...and so, now several years later, at 62, he really doesn't seem too bad...in some ways. But I can't help but feel it's sort of a game to him. He can pull the "I have alzheimer's" card anytime he doesn't want to do something. I have tried to follow all the advice, realizing his reasoning button is broke, but he is SOOOOOO testing my patience. He has no respect, or trust in me. He has always been a dominant male, and loves the role, however, when it comes to doing things I need him to do, or taking responsibility for things, he uses his "card". He can drive, cut wood, speak publicly, build things, etc. Except however when he doesn't want to. So, if he leaves the water running and runs us out of water, he deosn't want to deal with the results of his actions...so leaves me to deal with it. I have the responsibility to take care of everything, and anything he doesn't want to do. But if he disagrees with me, he will pull the dominant role, and say he as head of the house will make the decision, and I am to live with it. This sounds stupid as I write it, but I just feel so frustrated. He treats me like crap the majority of the time, just more or less tolerates me, can't stand for me to question, or ask him anything about things he is doing. Anytime I try to discuss anything he doesn't like, he looses it, says I"m done talking about this, and absolutely will not allow me to say anymore. I have tried to explain that even if he doesn't trust my decisions, I am all he has, and so as time goes on he needs to learn to put some trust in the fact that I'm doing the best I can for both of us...but he just can't. So, yeah, reasoning button is broken, but how am I going to take care of a person who won't allow me to? I do know he loves me, in his own way, and I love him, but this is making me crazy. I sometimes wonder if he really does have EOAD, because he doesn't seem to fit the typical description that I've read about. We just had him re-tested at the Alzheimers center, and he actually did better on some of the tests...but worse on others. It is just the stragnest situation, and I really wonder if others have experienced the same sort of things....Thanks for reading this, I'm lost! Mimis
What a confusing thing this must be, I am sorry for yours, and his suffering!
We know a man who makes jokes about Alzheimers, or, Old Timers. he says Old timers is when they fake it so they can get away with these things.
I do wonder at times if he uses it...however now, especially after reading things on this board, I am really starting to accept that my husband has EOAD. (found the abbreviation page)
I did ask my dh if he was putting it on, and he says, I am an old man now. (He is just 62) When I try to reason that that is silly, well, you know. It goes nowhere.
Also, I notice many on this board have their mate still driving. From the time he was diagnosed only 10 months ago, the doctor has told him to stop cooking, and now driving. He had a couple of near misses, and then he backed his truck up HARD, into a coconut tree.
(too bad the coconuts did not fall off)
I really hope this can be resolved for you two soon. Scary to think it could be a put on.
"So, if he leaves the water running and runs us out of water, he deosn't want to deal with the results of his actions...so leaves me to deal with it. I have the responsibility to take care of everything, and anything he doesn't want to do. But if he disagrees with me, he will pull the dominant role, and say he as head of the house will make the decision, and I am to live with it." I had this with my husband until his children took him over to his summer cottage for 3-4 days. He was a changed man when he came back. He told me he realized he couldn't take care of himself any more. He said that his kids left him alone for long periods of time. The cottage has a 50 foot sheer drop of a cliff onto rocks and the ocean 25 feet below and is about 25 feet from the door. Said he went looking for food, and the cupboard was bare. They had disconnected the phone somehow, and he couldn't phone out, and I couldn't phone in. He smelled of urine and feces when he got back - no shower or change of underclothing. But I didn't have any problem with him after that. He knew I was doing my best and that no one else was going to.
Up until last Oct, my husband was able to fake it. Only he wasn't faking AD, he was faking normal. Then it became to hard to keep up the act. I noticed at home, his coworkers noticed it at work. It wasn't until the dx that it all became clear. Could it be your husband is doing more faking of being normal. When he is acting like he has AD is his real self.
MiniS, many if not all of us have gone through this or are still going through this. MY DH can't/won't ever make a decision. From what he would like to drink with a meal to if we should purchase a large item. Every decision "we" make is a long, drawn-out frusturating process. In the end, I either make the decision or just handle it. We will never know if they are "fooling with us" or if they really are not able to do these things.
You describe pretty darn close what I very often deal with.
Hang in there., If you try to reason with him or if you try too hard to figure out why he does what he does, you will simply "go nuts." As they say on airplanes, put the ozygen on yourself first, or you can't save him.
unfortunately this is the way things will be until he progresses to a point where you can start to grab the reins to take over what needs done. its very frustating to have them what i call , 'half here, half not' so to speak. we know they are still highly functional, but in certain areas like reasoning and judgment its quite impaired and only we can see it. most of the time they will deny anything is wrong and blame it on you to shift the focus. its a trying time but i guess in all the saddnesss of this disease this too shall pass. once they move into a next stage what bothers you now will not later, as a new subject will cropup to take its place. :) try not to get too bogged down with the now issues, i know its hard but sometimes just taking each day at a time helps you cope, and not dwell on the big picture.
Thank you all so much, it just seemed like this has gone on sooooo long, with the situation so hard to explain. Our friends say, wow, he does so well, and it's nice that he does so well, sure must make it easier on you....YEAH RIGHT! I liked Mary 75's solution, I would just like something to make him realize he really does have it good. I"m very good to him, do most everything he likes from what we eat to our so called recreation. I have given up what I like to do, knowing he will never do those things with me....but it's just so hard when he tells me how awful I am, how mean I am, etc. I had forgotten how comforting it is to talk to others who share the same dilemas, and sympathize. I'ts also easier knowing that this is a "normal" part of the disease...if there is such a thing. Thank you all again, and any other advice would be so appreciated. We had quite a blow up last night, because I asked if he had let the dog out, not even sure why that upset him, but...I do find myself at times just wanting to antagonize him a bit;-(....he makes me so crazy! :-0