Thanks for the advice Flynlow...I know this is a poor excuse, but ONE of the other reasons is I do not have a doctor, I have no medical we are really living on a shoestring so to speak...like so many I know. I simply do not have the cash to attain it. I did get a note from one insurance company offering basic coverage for as low as $150 a month, I may look in to it.
The true name is Coconut Patty, that is the name of my business, we harvest and process fresh coconuts and cook them in to a yummy coconut candy, for 22 years now!
Funny about the perfume, you know one of the main ingredients in Chanel is the ylang ylang flower, I have a young tree in my drought stricken yard that I give as much aloha as I can. It is about 5 years old, has had a few blooms. Once they get going they get loaded with the most heady scent you can imagine.
Thank GOD for this- My husband is 62, and he qualified for VA medical, it is not perfect but has helped immensly.
Great to see you here, I also am a newbie, joined a few days ago.
Gina, you have been given good advice that I truly hope you will follow. As other have said, your journey is NOT different than many others' here; it just feels like that because it's YOU who is going through this with your husband. I believe I mentioned this to you previously-my husband in the early stages was totally functional but became mean verbally and then physically abusive. Anytime I confronted him that something was wrong he became enraged and was in total denial. As he progressed in his illness, he too became hyper-sexual, however I chose not to give in to that; if he couldn't treat me well then he didn't get any "perks".
I am repeating what others, particularly Bettyhere* & Wolf wrote- you need to get him diagnosed ASAP and have him on appropriate medications which will help control his behaviors. It's a challenge but until you do you will continue to live in your current hell. You also need to find a way to come to terms with his illness and how this will change your life and then do whatever you can to take control of your life. I don't use medications but I did see a psychotherapist in the early stages because I needed to talk to someone about my feelings who would not judge me.
The early stages are very disorienting while your spouse changes before your eyes. This is perhaps the most difficult time for the spouse because until a diagnosis there are no answers to explain behaviors. Then when you get the dreaded diagnosis you are lost, frightened and overwhelmed. But you have found a place where the veterans who have been dealing with the dementia devil are willingly offering invaluable advice and loving kindness. Now, do what you have to do. We'll be here.
Gina, I agree with what everyone else said. BUT, I know exactly what you are going through. When it was apparent that there was something wrong with my DH’s memory & I told our PCP & he had my DH do the “clock test” (he had him draw a clock) He drew a circle, put the numbers on the outside & didn’t know where to put the hands. My PCP told him that he should go & see a neurologist. DH got angry & said that there wasn’t anything wrong with him & that it was me telling everyone that there was a problem. So he would NOT let me make an appointment for him. I know it’s not as simple as calling for an appointment & then taking him to the office. If he won’t go, HE WON’T GO! How did I get mine to go? Well he wouldn’t have if our children wouldn’t have intervened. 3 of our 4 children had an intervention. They told him that they noticed that he was having trouble remembering things & then they proceeded to talk to him & tell him they were worried about him. They were very caring & at the end our oldest son told him that they all wanted him to go & see the specialist. DH said that he would take that into consideration. Our oldest son spoke up & said, “No Dad, Mom is going to make an appointment & you will go.” So he did go & he also went for the brain MRI & the EEG & the additional blood work. After all the tests he was diagnosed with Early Dementia. He went back to the neurologist for follow up appointments for 3 years & then he wouldn’t go back anymore. Again there is no way I can get him to go back to the neurologist. He goes to our PCP every 4 months for blood work & he told me that he would help me & prescribe the medications he needs. So Gina, my heart goes out to you because I do understand.
Oh, everyone, thank you so much. He came back to our home last Sunday because I was sick with tonsilitis. We had 5 great days together and then all hell broke loose. It was over the subject of money. You would think I waved a red flag in front of him like with a bull. He ranted and raved at me, dredged up every little offense he was quite adept at remembering. I was absolutely amazed at his memory regarding me and how much I have changed and how crazy I am. If I even attempt to verbally defend myself against his lies and exaggerations, look out!!!!!! Well, he went back to his single wide yesterday. And this morning called me to finish telling me how there's something wrong with me. All I could do was cry. I attempted to diffuse his rage but he wouldn't budge. He says we need time apart. YOU THINK??????? During the week I tried to bring up his needing to get his annual appointment with his cardio. It fell on deaf ears. Has no intention of going anymore, after going for the last 11 years. He also won't go anymore to his pulmonary dr. after 11 years of needing follow up on his asbestos damage. He is sick of living the life I want him to live.....and will do or not do whatever he wants. His words. But I'm crazy. I've thought about an intervention, Elaine, but my one son has no influence on him and I do believe my other son is in denial. So that's that. He has become so cold and cruel to me at times, at the drop of a hat. I just can't stand it anymore. Says he loves me, but he just doesn't want to be with me when he flies off the handle at some infraction I committed. And trust me, he REALLY doesn't want to be with me during those times. But I guarantee you if I was stupid enough to offer him a bootie call, he'd come running. Without getting a dx, I still feel he has just become a cantakerous, selfish, raging, cruel, insensitive demon, who functions quite well when he wants something. I would give anything to have a dx. But until I do, I am not in limbo but in a hell and I don't even know its name. Now I will play the waiting game. I've made up my mind, I will no longer contact him for help around the house. Hopefully, the house will cooperate and not have any major expensive problems. I really need to keep my distance because every time he puts me through this, it rips me up all over again. Thanx again to all you wonderful guys and gals. Will keep in touch. Gina
Good luck Gina, You do what you need to do. You have tried your best to get your husband to see his doctors. If he will not go not much you can do about it. Does your husband have a key to your house? You may want to get the locks changed. I know how hard this is for you. You did nothing wrong. I know I lived with the everything was my fault for years. It is hard to get past that.
Hi Gina, I've been following your thread & thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.
It seems to me that you are dealing with changes in your husband that fit more with the early stages of Frontal Temporal Degeneration / behavioral varient. It's in the early stages that Alzheimers & FTD symptoms are different, as the diseases progress the differences become less & less.
My husband was diagnosed with the behavoiral varient of FTD in 2009. He had textbook FTD symptoms back then (it was Hell!) and now he is quiet, dosile, vacant, OCD with extensive loss of long & short term memory & executive function.
If your hb has an organic brain disease he will start to lose his ability to function on his own, so only time will tell. In the meantime, one bit of caring advise I can give you is that it is futile to argue with him.....you won't win. I wish I had not put myself through the frustration of trying to reason with my hb.
We get what you're going through. It all just seems unreal with no resolve in sight. Try to remember that IF he does have Alz or FTD he literally can't help himself..... sadly, his brain is just not working like it should.
Coco----I thought your advice to grab the rope was for me to hang myself. :) Which sounded like good advice to me right now. But I read the thread on that, and now know what it really means. I'm still contemplating my first thought though. LOL
Gailn ---- I've been suspecting Vascular Dementia but after reading your feedback about FTD, I now need to research those symptoms too. And thanx for your kind words.
Blue----I'm not aware that he has keys to my home but I have had my son change the combination to the garage door. This sounds like a nightmare that I just can't wrap my mind around.
LFL===Like you, I felt the same way about giving him his "husbandly perks". I told him when I start seeing more of my husband of over 40 years, hel'll start getting his perks too. Funny thing though, he sure knows how to pour on the sugar when he wants to. But I know that it won't last for long and so where is my incentive. At least if we had a dx it would make things a little easier to deal with. This man, in no way, resembles the man I have been married to for 42 years. And I need a dx desperately. Sometimes, I feel like I should just give up, and leave him completely. But then he shows me his wonderful side that made our marriage so wonderful. And then the demon comes back. And who wants to be intimate with the demon???
My husband was diagnosed with FTD the month before his 59th birthday. He is now 62. In the early stages of FTD, memory is pretty much left intact. His rages sure do sound like the behavioral version of FTD. Also, he may not be in denial about him having a problem. He truly doesn't believe there is any problem. It has a name "anosognosia".
Mu hubby is 61 and has had AD for the last 7 years. There are times he gets mean and I tell him we both can be mean until it sinks in. Then he is fine. I've been doing that for a couple years now. If he is really temperamental, I try to avoid him as much as possible. I just do for him the things that need to be done and let him roam the house. He always comes around. It's never too long until I have my shadow back again.