I hope some of you dear people remember me from a month ago. At that point, I had just determined my husband of 42 years is someone I don't know anymore but with his refusal to go for dx.( which I do believe is vascular dementia.) Well, I had a very strange experience with him tonight and am wondering if anyone can relate to it. We were watching a 8 hour show, he had watched over the last 3 nights...2 hours per night. I didn't watch it the first 3 nights. So tonight was the last 2 hour episode. It was a documentary on the history of Prohibition. In it, it stated that prohobition was very unpopular when it was passed. Since he had watched the previous 6 hours, I asked nicely and inquisitively if it was so unpopular how was the law passed. He said because women got together, formed a group and caused the proohibition law passed. So I asked why and how I believed they didn't have the power to do such a thing when women didn't even have the vote at that time. Well, his answer was because the women forced their husbands to vote that way. I then said men can promise anything but when they go in the booth to vote, they can vote however they want. Well, all hell broke loose, he got extremely angry at me. When I said I thought I was asking valid questions, certainly nothing personal, since I now know better, he attacked me by saying it's how I asked the question. With that, he left and went to his single wide home he bought 6 months ago. He was so angry at me. Tell me, is this insane or am I delusional. Is this an example of Jekyll and Hyde??? Since he refuses to go for a dx, I' m trying to analyze things and would love any input to such insane behavior. Thanx to any feed back from all you dear friends. Gina
Ah yes just when you think you've seen it all up pops something completely differant,my LO would go off for no reason about anything,everything can be fine an the next minute theres a raging battle going on,I finally just gave in an never gave her a chance to exibit that kind of behavior,it was bad enough when she was accusing the "people" that were in the house of stealing her money,I just would try an change subject,the only good thing about this @#$%^& disease is the memory part where she would forget 10 minutes later about the money,your lucky in one respect that he leaves an you don't have to put up with this behavior all night,but the time will come when he isn't safe to be on his own,then ya gotta figure out what to do with him,ALF comes to mind
"I tried a “rub his nose in it” campaign with DH. I resolved that each time DH had an "issue," I would point it out to him. Very sweet of me, huh? My reasoning: if I point things out to him, he will eventually have to admit he is having issues. Wrong. My campaign only worsened the situation. In addition to memory and cognitive issues, we then had to deal with a man who was depressed, confrontational, and angry. The “rub his nose in it” campaign ended almost as quickly as it began.
So my son and I decided to climb in the boat, grab an oar, and float down the river of denial along with DH. You do what you must to survive. And, after all, what harm was going to come of delaying a diagnosis? The research says there is no halting or delaying the inevitable progression of Alzheimer’s - if that is what DH has. And so we ignore, tip-toe around, and simply roll our eyes whenever DH has issues. "
I think the problem was his trying to remember what had happened in the program several nights ago. And when you questioned him, he started doubting his memory. The same thing happens here now, without the angry outburst. We had plenty of them before dx! DH now can't remember what he watched an hour ago.
And I think your DH was right, I started watching the first part and fell asleep, I know women were involved in the early part of stopping drinking. I'm not sure how it was involved in the voting part. Missed that one. By the way the women prayed in front of the saloons and made it impossible for the fathers, husbands and sons to go in without the mothers, wives seeing them type of thing. As soon as the women stopped praying in front of the saloons the men came back. This was well before the vote in the 20's. But the women did have a great impact on the vote. "Happy wife happy life" came into play I'm sure. That would make the men want to vote to make the wives happy.
I have been unable to watch the rest of it. Sounded like a good program.
Gina--I have read that people with dementia shouldn't be asked direct questions. I suppose it puts them on the spot, makes them uneasy, etc. Perhaps your husband felt you were interrogating him, and he couldn't handle it.
The questions you were asking him required the use of not only memory, but of logic, reasoning, communications skills, etc. If he has dementia, it is likely that those areas of the brain are damaged and he cannot respond as he would have in the past. Now that you know his reaction and have tested the waters, it would probably be best to stay away from questioning him regarding anything.
Gina, dear, it seems that you have not moved on at all. Whatever the cause of DH's dementia, you have yet to understand that he is unable to respond in a normal manner. It doesn't matter if you ask nicely, if you are right or wrong about the issue. You seem to want us to verify that you are right about the women (it was Carrie Nation & she went into bars with a hatchet, etc.) The bottom line, Gina, is that his brain cells are dying and misfiring. He has no control over it and you cannot reason with him--no one can--and that's the best advice we can give you. You started a discussion that he cannot respond to and that frustrated him. He wanted to get out of the uncomfortable position you put him in and so he left. It is important that you keep him as calm as possible and APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING THAT GOES WRONG--EVEN IF, AND ESPECIALLY IF, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Agree, no matter what he says, be understanding, be kind, keep it simple, do not escalate the issues. What is, is. Marilyn is right about asking direct questions. For instance, you do not say, 'what do you want for breakfast?' instead you announce 'breakfast is ready.' It's too complex for a demented mind to answer that question, expecting him to answer anything about a past TV program is impossible. You have an intact mind, Gina, DH does not. That means you have to be in charge, you have to set the pace. We all learn that--no choice--and you can, too.
Bettyhere* is right Gina. It took me almost a year to get this through my head. And I still have days when I don't remember not to ask, knowing he will have no clue what I am talking about.
My Goodness, I guess I just don't fully comprehend how this all works, or doesn't. Why couldn't he just say he doesn't remember? I say that whenever I don't remember something. Why be furious with me??? He even was angry at me for pausing the show because I went for a glass of water and then I had to go to the bathroom. OMG, you think what inconvenience I was causing him. Geez, It has become a minefield around here which is torturous when he's home with me. But I still love and miss him so much that I keep taking him back in. But it just seems we can't make it for more than a couple of days and then really, really need to split again. He still refuses to think there is anything wrong with him and he has become so irritable and argumentative about almost anything I say or do. After 42 years of marriage, it's so so difficult to accept it all. There are times I just wish he would leave me for another woman. THAT I could deal with. Sure it would hurt like the dickens, but I could understand THAT. This is dying a slow and horrible death that you just can't understand. Thanx fot all the kind feedback everyone. Gina
Gina, as stated above, he can't say he doesn't remember because his brain isn't working right. He doesn't KNOW he doesn't remember! Hopefully, your brain is working okay - so you have to make the adjustment - get into his world, in order to keep the peace. Don't push his buttons, just let it slide over your head!
HI Gina, I would say that you really need to somehow get him to a doctor.
I am in the first year with my husband's diagnosis, and of course have done the exact things you did. Getting mad when he cannot remember, but of course, how can he. ? And to ask WHY he cannot remember, well that is the same thing.
Acceptance is so so hard isn't it. I am still there, sometimes I pray I am imagining it all. I even grasped on the idea that his (not too nice), sisters said he was possessed, hoping , well then all I have to do is pray and it will be gone. Of course it was still there the next day. It was very sad, they had planted that in his mind and he actually told me he was not sick, that he had a demon and did not have to take the meds anymore.
So..of course I prayed fervently over him, and to no avail. (I don't blame God) His sisters are quite the holy rollers and as we moved off to another island, and I am considered heathen, (I am not), the blame is on me. I must have helped to bring on the bad spirit.
I did mention in another post that I also think they are scared of getting it, so any excuse other than alzheimers...
Gina I hope you can come to acceptance soon, get him to a doctor, and you know the aricept helped my dh, a little. I am lucky, he has always been a kind man, and mostly he is quiet. HOWEVER, when I question him, he gets very frustrated and angry.
Thank you too for your feedback. I sincerely hope for an answer for some relief for all of you.
You miss the person who was your partner so much, and grab at any thread that promises an interaction that's like the old days. Because SOMETIMES you get a hint of it. A reminder of the intact, communicative person he used to be. It's there, and it pops out in brief little blips.
And then you think: "There you are! I want to talk to you! I've missed you!" So you try. And it's a punch in the gut, because these glimpses of the person he used to be are so fleeting, so ephemeral, that all you can REALLY do is smile at them as they flit past. They are shadows. You can't hang on to them.
This is the tricky and heartbreaking lesson to be learned at this stage: How can you "enjoy" these fleeting glimpses of the person he was without your heart breaking when they evaporate, moments later?
Well, know that they're fleeting. Know that you have to develop, nurture, and maintain your Miss Independence persona, and never, not ever, let her think you don't need her anymore. Because she's the new you. Let her grow. Eventually she will become strong and you won't mind being her anymore.
Sincere thanx to everyone who took the time to enlighten and respond to my request for feedback. Once I read the responses, it seems to make sense in all this insanity. I guess it will be a long learning curve for me from here on in. Gina
Gina, I know my DH is not able to reason. AND I STILL ASK him questions and wait for the answer. It has been over a year and a half and I am still doing dumb things.......not as often, but still doing it. Don't be to hard on yourself.
My DH doesn't recall trips we took just 3 years ago so I know there is no point in saying " Remember when.." So now when I want to relate something of the past, or connect it to something going on now as in visitors coming or something like that, I'll say some thing like " Well once upon a time we went to....... and met them at.....for dinner or lunch or whatever...and we talked about......and them coming to visit soon..now they can come this weekend!"For now the story method seems to work out ok..while he may not recall any of it, it sort of gets him ready to see who is coming over..
But I find there is so much he does not recall....friends who have died, moved, graduated, got married etc..all within the past 12 months....
Asking questions: I am learning not to give choices or watch how I word it. Last time he went to get his haircut the girl asked if he preferred scissors or clippers. Of course he heard the last word which is what he said but he does not like clipper cuts - his hair is better with scissors. Of course she had a hard time with the clippers. It was not until they kept trying to get it to look good when she said she liked scissors best - I told her to use them then. (we go to a beauty school) It was then the light went on about why he said clippers!
When we go out to eat he chooses the last things I say like fries or salad?
I just figured out recently that my husband always chooses the thing I say last. I have asked him if he wants chicken or pork chops: he says pork chops. Ask again if he wants pork chops or chicken: he says chicken.
Now I just make dinner and serve him or if we are out I just order for him. Waitresses always look at me funny and sometimes I think they feel sorry for this poor guy with the overbearing wife.
OH deb isn't that the truth! I also order for him and just feed him what I choose, he likes it that way. The other day in a department store he was going the wrong way to the bathroom, and I called out "Come back i will show you where it is!" This lady looked at me like I was the nastiest meanest wife ever.
Ah yes, part of the territory, I have found myself wanting to explain to people when we are out that he has Alzheimers, I mostly don't anymore.
Coco, just an idea for you for the future (or maybe you might use it now). Some of us here have printed out cards (like business cards) that say “Please be patient he has Alzheimer’s. Some people print up a bunch & hand them out. I printed up about 12 & laminated them. I have a few in my purse & when my DH gets to talking to someone when we are shopping & I can tell that the person is wondering what the heck he is talking about I just flash the card & usually the look on people’s faces softens with understanding. I gave each of my daughters one so that they can show it when they take him out with them.
thank you so much for your very kind suggestion, I shall do that.
You know, before I knew he was getting it, EVERYONE we would meet, even people we did not know, he would say, I have 4 sisters and my Dad died when I was 7" I thought, well, that is how he is, and just let him be even though I thought it was odd. Oh poor dear dear man.
I imagine alot of you get this too, your mate says hello and waves to everyone. Well after all it is not really a bad thing, that!
I have made up the business cards too and have handed a few out. The ones I made have his picture on them and say:
My husband has a degenerative brain disease called Frontotemporal Dementia (FTD). He may have problems with speech, behavior and confusion. Your help and patience is appreciated.
I have learnt so much from reading this discussion...thank you all, I have a hard time expressing and putting into words how I feel. I feel I have to apologize for Dh all the time. he is so friendly to everyone and tries to be funny, but doesn't make sense, people just look at him. Now I say he has short term morory loss,,,he hates the "A" word Our Mazda car is 16 years old and in his name, I thought it was time to buy a new one in my name. We (I) went to test drive a brand new mazda...we were asked what we expect to get for ours, Dh says a "straight swap"...well the sales man looked at him and laughed and said it's only worth one thousand dollars. I said "no way, it's been looked after and is still in good nick" , we'll give our car to the grand daughter who is learning to drive, so we walked out and he lost a sale. Well when we got home an hour later, Dh had forotten all that took place before...
Julia, My DH is also friendly to eveyone & God forbid anyone make eye contact with him because he will go up to that person & talk to them. He also tries to be funny, but doesn't make sense most of the time. That is why I flash that card. It really does change the way people look at him.
during this time my DH was drawn to small kids and babies. while it is endearing many folks were not as keen on an adult man being overly friendly with children, so take care. as long as you are with them, it is usually a non issue- but if they wander off alone i think they could well get into trouble. i caught my DH just in the nick of time fixing to urinate into a fountain at a local mall right there with gobs of folks, kids milling around. horrified is the word. what a mess something like this can get them into! you just never know what will happen. divvi
OMG divvi, my Dh does the same...I wonder why this is, he gets on really well with kids and loves to talk to them in the mall...it worries me, I am so scared people will take it the wrong way. I may have to try the cards. thanks so much.
My husband was the same way with children. When he was first diagnosed in 2008, he was still able to take walks in our subdivision by himself. That stopped when he walked to a store about a block from our house and started talking to some children. There mother got a little scared of this man talking to her kids and the police were called. The police handled it well and brought him home. After I explained his illness, they took a report and said that they would file it so if they came into contact with him again they would know he was ill. He has not been allowed to go anywhere by himself since then.
I have noticed that parents take his attention to their children fine if I am with him.
The Women's Christian Temperance Union was one of the major players in getting the eighteenth amendment passed in January 1919 outlawing "intoxicating liquors".
Women got the right to vote with the nineteenth amendment the following year in 1920 where the 19th amendment states that 'the right to vote shall not be denied or abriged on account of sex'.
"We the people" referred to white men only. Even then you still had to be a property owner which at that time was estimated somewhere between 10 and 16% of the population. That was changed by 1850 to include all white males who could pass a literacy test which was targeted at Irish and Chinese immigrants.
Black males no longer in servitude got the right to vote with the 15th amendement passed in 1870, five years after the civil war ended.
Just as in Alzheimer's, knowledge is power. It doesn't make us happy; but, it empowers us to prepare to deal with the truth. And the truth is that just as American history is available and open for us to learn about, so is Alzheimer's.
Ginaginaz,
If you try to deal with your husband in terms of your current 'normal' it will not go well which will become increasingly apparent. Bettyhere*, Emily, and everyone else are showing you what this disease does. What Emily called a 'Miss Independence persona' is what everyone needs to get in touch with (Hey! I make this apron look good!) because as she says - that's the new you.
What that means especially in a more complex relationship, is that you have to force yourself to get ahead of this and understand more fully what happens to people with Alzheimer's and roughly how fast. Over the next few years your husband's condition will markedly deteriorate. He will no longer drive and will no longer be able to operate a telephone, and those don't take too long to go.
As this situation continues, you will become more frustrated and incidents will escalate because he can't prevent the plaque buildup in his brain. It would be good if you could make yourself read more about the disease (a good source is Joan's mainpage) and understand more about what's coming. The reason I say this is because you are going to be forced by events to make decisions about your role in this and it would be best to have a deeper understanding of just how tough the role of caregiver is going to be.
It's clear from your posts that you have not taken in what is happening as Betty said, and while that's very understandable and common, it's very important that if you go down this road you take Emily's advice to find the take charge personality inside you.
When the declaration of independence was written and right up to just 91 years ago, it was thought that women were incapable of thought or independent action. You were property most of that time and had no rights of any kind, never mind the right to vote. Is that what you all believe? I didn't think so.
You want something to do? Read Joan of Arc, Catharine the Great, Victoria ruler of the largest empire ever, Queen of Sheba, Deborah (Judges 4-5), Margaret Thatcher. Who's the kingpin of Europe right now? Angela Merkle. Read about Eleanor of Aquitaine, Isabella of Spain, Catherine Medici, Elizabeth the first.
Despite male clubbishness, you don't need a penis to be great. The veterans know and the newcomers are going to find out that this disease is going to take you outside of yourself. Way outside of what you were. The power of this disease cannot be resisted or ignored. It has transformed the lives of almost everyone here. It absolutely will force you to take charge of your own life to a new extent. It has done that to me.
Or in simpler terms, move over, you're driving. Whether you have a license or not.
So okay Wolf, what am I supposed to do when all he does is find fault in anything I say or do, and yet still claims how much he loves me. He not only berates me constantly, but has a hissy-fit over everything I am today. After 42 years, 38 of which were happy, the last 4 which were horrendous with humiliation, and his constant flirting, how do I deal??? It seems like the only thing he wants from me now is sex. Other than that, I am now disposable. In all of my reading on this site, I haven't heard anyone who is dealing with this type of behavior. He has become so selfish, self centered, and unempathetic when I even whisper OUCH to his cruel behavior. Before, I found this site, I thought he no longer loved me, gave him his freedom, but he still keeps coming back. However, the "good window" is getting smaller and smaller and less and less. It's almost like most of the time he has nothing but anger and contempt for me, but he still claims he loves me. What the hell is that???? I would rather believe it is dementia, instead of his loss of love for me. But it's getting harder and harder to believe.....even with his familial history and his own medical heart stent. I'm sorry Wolf, but I am not Joan of Arc, nor Catherine the Great, or any of those great ladies. I just am a wife of 42 years who can't believe how this man treats me anymore. I walk on eggs all the time he is here, even when he gets his husbandly perks, he shortly after turn mean and neglectful in his Hyde mode, I am so displeasing to him. So what do I do????? And, as I said before, I haven't heard anyone say their spouse's are this way. So, Wolf, what the hell am I dealing with and how do I deal???? Thanx for your input. Gina
Gina, that's a toughie that not everyone who deals with a demented spouse has to endure to the degree you're describing. The abusive behavior, that is. I think they almost all lose their empathetic abilities, but not all becomes distinctly mean.
It may be worth a new thread heading to ask specifically for advice for how others have handled a phase where the ill spouse is still "with it" enough to behave the way you're describing. I know many here have had to bear with it through some pretty rough times, behaviorally.
Gina, You have not read my earlier post from last year. For the ten years leading up to the dx. My DH treated me like I was dirt or worse. Always mad at something that I had said, done, forgot to do or even claimed I was rolling my eyes at him! I felt like I was the worse wife in the world. Every time I asked him about how he was treating me he told me I was the best wife ever and he loved me. Then an hour later he would give me that I wish you would drop dead look. That look gave me chills. I was planning on a divorce when our youngest was 18. We have been married for 31 years this month. The day DH got the dx it all stopped. He is kind, loving like a child and lost. He knows he needs me.
I think all the anger came from being lost. They can take it out on us, and no one else. Your DH is slowly going mad, sort to speak. (Please don't take any offense). He can see his world slipping away, a day at a time. Some parts of the brain are still able to work, like the sex part. And others are lost to him.(My DH lost any interest in sex years ago and I always thought it was me, DH said I caused him to much stress to have sex with me. Try living with that for 10 plus years!)
It is not you, but only you can find the way to deal with this. I don't know any other way to put it. This is a hard life in front of us. We all have different problems, but it comes down to the same. Our loved ones are slowly losing their grip in our world. It is up to us who are with them to fill in the blanks. And you know, you have read about the spouses who have become angry, mean, and even dangerous.
I truly wish you the best Gina. This life ahead is not for the faint of heart.
Gina, many have posted here about the same kind of treatment from their spouses. Fortunately, I didn't experience what you have described in terms of criticism or the other issues you have mentioned. However, I firmly believe that medication for him is the answer. Anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and even medications that are used for sex offenders have been used with great success for dementia patients to control behaviors. Of course, all that requires a dx and the help of a capable doctor; I am afraid that your situation won't improve much until you find a way to get him diagnosed. You can adjust your attitude and learn about the disease, but that will only go so far--he needs to be treated.
I don't know the answer because it's personal to you. I do know there are many similar stories written here so I don't agree your situation is unusual. My own parents were like this. They would fight, my mother would say she should leave, I would agree that she should - so she would switch to defending him. Yet, when he died at 72 and she became truly free to do as she pleased, she was clearly happier and much more relaxed - but all she talked about was how she missed him.
So first off, I'm sorry you are going through this. But secondly, it's going to get worse. Here's one of the things you said is happening: "He has become so selfish, self centered, and unempathetic when I even whisper OUCH to his cruel behavior".
I'm tired of women. I love them so much. If I was allowed to tinker with the design, I would invent a hyper leg kick that only women have. When they've had enough, they let fly at the man's head which ends up ringing for days. I would give them the equalizer. I'm more tired of men who have no better idea in their head than to take out their inadequacies and ineptitudes on the weaker and the givers around them.
The real problem is that society and nature are not interested in the fuller development of the spirit and ethics. As long as you can make babies and provide for their survival - the rest is pretty much wide open.
And so we can become trapped in long patterns of limited experience which is all we have and have known - and then things change strongly - and we are left in situations that hurt us; but, that we cling to because this is all we have and we don't have the equipment inside to do otherwise.
Whatever I sound like, I am very sympathetic to you. And I know that influencing a person from outside the situation is dangerous - because until they themselves take the steps - they will always close ranks around what they know. That's how we survive.
I learned from my parents who I think were good, honest, and protective parents - that I want more. I married for love with someone who by their nature took the same calm, reasonable approach to things that I wanted. We developed a beautiful friendship. My reward is that I feel almost torn apart by it's loss and in truth I have little interest in life without her.
I'm in the same boat as you and everyone else here. We are losing or have lost the kingpin that held what made sense in life together. This disease is going to have it's way and the more we can face those truths and learn about what it does - the better we can endure this. What we ourselves become though is the main path of reality in all this. Because we are going to survive this. They are not.
Sorry Gina for what you are having to endure. Like blue -our sex life ended years before the other symptoms of AD. I, like Blue, blamed myself for his lack of interest or abilities. Many of us here have stated sexual problems, ED, started years earlier and for our guys there might be a connection. There are also those here that have experience the hyper sexuality like you are. I think some of them had spouses with FTD. They can come along and verify that. You are not alone in being degraded by your dementia spouse - I am not (yet) but many here have or are going through what you are.
Stay with us and we will be there to let you know it is not you no matter what he says. I agree that diagnosis and a doctor experienced with dementia is what you need. He needs medication to calm him, even if he sleeps a lot. You need that break.
You say you haven't heard anyone else say their spouse is the way you describe yours. I have been where you are, as have many of us - to Hell and back- with this disease. I urge you to read the following blogs to help you understand that you are not alone:
They are in chronological order, so you will be able to see what I went through over a certain period of time. The only thing that stopped the rages was medication. He still takes a small dose of the anti-psychotic drug Risperdal, and 40mg. of the anti-depressant Celexa. And time. In time, the disease advances to other parts of the brain, and the rages subside.
Also, please log onto the home page - www.thealzheimespouse.com - and read this weekend's blog about Alzheimer communication and reasoning.
I am being selfish I know, but at this stage in “the game" I am hanging on by a thread and just do not have the fortitude it would take to go back and delve into this particular part of our journey. *sigh*
Our love story, as well as our journey into hell, is well documented here at Joan’s. Perhaps you should read some of the older posts, you will see your situation has been experienced by others. I want to help you Gina, but nothing is going to improve without a diagnoses and proper treatment.
So sorry you are going through this Gina, truly I am…..
"So okay Wolf, what am I supposed to do when all he does is find fault in anything I say or do, and yet still claims how much he loves me. He not only berates me constantly, but has a hissy-fit over everything I am today. After 42 years, 38 of which were happy, the last 4 which were horrendous with humiliation, and his constant flirting, how do I deal???"
Here are the answers, Gina - there are NO other answers. For whatever reason, you are resisting what so many have advised. Maybe you are in denial, you don't want to admit that your DH has a dementia problem--that is not unusual, but it won't make it go away. You are taking it too PERSONALLY and it won't help if you ask - how else am I supposed to take it? You are supposed to understand that your DH's brain cells are misfiring--it has NOTHING to do with YOU--it's a brain disease he can't control. We speak from experience, nothing you write is unique. My DH woke me at night to accuse me of being unfaithful, he stood in front of me and raged 'I could kill you!' Others have equal stories, you are supposed to get to the point that you UNDERSTAND it's his brain illness, NOTHING you do will change that. You can only learn to respond in a way that will not escalate his anger and stop feeling as if it's all about you & his using you for sex. We've all had sex problems with this disease--how many similar stories do you need to hear?
As for his flirting--grow up -- again it's the disease. He may well be regressing to when he was a young man and flirting was what young men do. Again, IT'S THE DISEASE. Besides, all normal people flirt. I do, always did, and I'm a very old lady but men still respond and I know, as they do, that it's just a game, gives one a bit of a boost. But I always went home with my husband. Does he walk away with other women & leave you sitting alone? Do you think they'd drop everything and go off with him?
It may be time--and well worth it--for YOU to see a counselor who is WELL-VERSED in dementia who can help you to accept what is happening to your DH and why you are so resistant to accepting what is now your life, your reality. It may not sound like it, but really, we are only being honest and straightforward with you--there are no magic formulas--as much as we wish there were.
This is all so unbelievable, and also I think a very important thread for ALL , really alot for me. I am going to go and read all the posts that Joan listed above.
My dh is still pretty mellow, HOWEVER, when he does start to lose it is I am so sorry to say, almost creepy. Every Saturday we drive 2 hours to town for me to participate in a local farmers market and for me to sell my wares.
I have to take him with me, I would truly like to leave him home but I don't like to leave him alone for that long.
He used to be a great help setting up the tent etc. , now not so much.
When we were breaking down today, I looked at him, and he FREAKED out. Not only did he yell at me and embarrass me, his voice took on this deep, gravely almost evil tone.
please note, truly, this was nothing I did to bring it on.
I was devastated, and had to hold back the tears as I drove the 2 hours home in the raging heat.
I was thinking, compared to lifes other griefs, this one has an element of almost evil about it, a weird disembodied feeling.
I have one almost good day, then two crying and sad days. I have always put down people that are "whiners" and weak, and now, here I am.
Yes to the original poster, PLEASE get him to the doctor, and maybe some help for you too. I know that having the dx helped, now, what will I do with my grief.?
My dh has never been violent in the manner others have described. However, last year he became very hateful, and accused me of stealing money from him, and any one that came in the house was just there to steal from him. If he couldn't find something then he just knew some one stoled it. This was a daily, hourly thing that just about put me over the edge. Also he hid probably $800 that has never been found.
My blood pressure was up over 200. I let him see me take my bp and he had such a frightened look on his face. I told him we had to take him to the dr. and get medication for him or I was going to have a stroke or worse and then who would have to take care of him. I told him if he didn't go and get medication I was going to have to go stay with one of my daughters and he would have to take care of himself because it was killing me.
He agreed...got medication and is no problem at all like it was. He is just so sweet and gentle like he use to be before AD. It is amazing what good the medications can do. You have to think of yourself too...that is very important.
Per your comments JudithKB, yes I could feel my blood pressure going way up when he acted up today, also it was really hot and I thought I was going to pass out.
Some people have suggested that I get some meds for myself, like meds for depression or anti depressants!
I DO NOT WANT TO GO THAT ROUTE. Yes I am having a hard time, and very alone, but, I am healthy, eat well etc. I think it would be better to try to figure out solutions than to medicate myself. Honestly I am balanced, (I think...), but does any one here think it is wise to take anti depressants to handle this.?
I know of course they are good for people that need them, but it just seems a wrong reason to do it, because I am dealing with an EOAD spouse..
and oh, so sorry if I veered off the subject too much..
First off, I would like to thank Joan for listing the blogs I needed to see. I had been reading them from the beginning and never quite got as far as those just listed on this thread. Reading them today really resonated with me, and I thank you so much. Without the benefit of a dx, I am still ignorant of the fact that each new and strange behavior he exhibits is another sign that he is indeed suffering from some brain disease.. Little by little, though, thanx to all of you, I am becoming more in tune with what is going on. I was totally perplexed by the behavior he exhibited this week and that's why I needed to consult with all of you and get your opinion on what had transpired. I think I'm beginning to comprehend the immense effect it is having on his everyday behavior. I'm seeing it more and more. But the fact that he is still so high-functioning, I guess I just tend to forget. I am so afraid of our future. With his new demeanor towards me, it seems like unless he receives so effective meds, I'll be the one who needs meds. Three months ago my blood pressure was 120 ovr 80. This week when I went to my doctor, it was 149 over 95. I am obsessing over all of this and I am going to have my GP put me on some type of med to control the obsession and depression. I will attempt to get him to go to his cardio dr to have his carotid arteries checked. But I hope I have better succes this time. He had finally allowed me to make the appointment about a month ago, as a condition of him coming back home. But within 4 days of making the appointment, Hyde came for a visit and took my husband back to his single wide home. Thus the appointment with his cardio had to be cancelled. But I will try it all again. He is so in denial and absoultely refuses to believe anything is wrong with him. When I remind him of how his father changed in the same way at his age, he answers, yes I know, but I'm not like my father. And I think to myself - you are EXACTLY like you described your father 43 years ago. So
So, again, my heartfelt appreciation to everyone who took the time to respond. Wish me luck with his appointment this time. And I will be back, unfortunately. Hugs to all of you. Gina
Do not be afraid to get anti-depressants or other drugs if you need to them to survive. Many on here have taken them or are still on them. If you want natural, then there are some good homeopathic out there. The main thing is to survive this disease - not let it take you.
To Coco: Charlotte gave Gina some good advice in her post above. But I want to let you know, this experience also can be survived successfully without medicating yourself. Each person is unique and has to decide for themselves what is best. I don't like taking medications and when I tried a few of the commonly-used prescriptions, didn't like how they made me feel (zapped my energy). I took care of my hb for 6 years at home, used regular exercise, good diet, good sleep, emotional support from family/friends and support group, this website, daycare and in-home aides instead of medications. Yes, my stress level was higher than before, but it caused no long-term health problems; this summer I placed my husband and my stress level is waaaaaay down. He had many challenging behaviors when he was at home and had to be hospitalized twice for medication adjustments, but I got through it in the way I described. As I said, there's nothing wrong with taking medications, but it's an individual decision.
I am so glad this thread was started, and how nice to see a bit of resolution.
Thanks Gina, I am so sorry for your pain and I can see how the "high functioning" can be so frustrating. I was reading some of Joans writing about how her dh was SO seemingly normal at the doctors, it really quite disturbed me. It makes you wonder if they are putting it on sometimes, though she mentioned it was very likely pride, (my wording), as he is ashamed.
It is such a drain. I bet so many of you feel the same, we were once vibrant and fun, also reading how Joan said she does not laugh so much anymore made my heart sore. I know, I used to be the most fun gal.
So I am participating on the silly soap opera thread, how absolutely hilarious and how good it feels. Can't wait to see the outcome of Martha and Demetrius.
As to medications, I am going to try to go a bit longer on the exercise and healthy diet, and whatever else before I go that route. It is hard to see myself just a shell of the old me, I don't mind losing some of the old personality, but not all.
Someone on here told of the natural/herbal mixture she took for the depression. I tried it and used it for a while then finances dictated stopping but I believe it was time. It helped me get through the acceptance and learning to live with this 'stage' and now am better. I was really getting depressed trying to figure out 'where to go from here'.
It may have been valerian....yes good idea I am going to check out herbals.
Though I feel physically healthy and eat really well, keep active, I do feel a real drain on my soul. After reading up extensively I see it is important to ACCEPT he is not a confidant anymore, cannot help or comfort me and that I NEED to find other company to socialize with.
back to Martha and Harold and Demetrius..lol...oh it helps SO much to laugh!
Dear Ginaginaz: New here to the site. I'm seven years into careing for my spouse. She is easy and thus I'm lucky. Once in a great while we stumble into severe anxiety. When this happens I turn to a mild sedative. This calms her. And the episode passes. This disease can be a long pull especially for early onset. Sorry to be blunt but it is never ending slodge through an emotional house of mirrors. If you can find a way to offer medication or slip in something perhaps this can help. Ask your doctor. Your husbands path is set, yours is not and you must think long term, meaning your personal well being. Do whatever you can to make it easy on yourself. I'll repeat what others have said. NEVER TRY TO REASON WITH YOUR SPOUSE. It is not possible. You must unlearn that behavior. The sooner you do the better it will be for you. This. . . was absolutely the hardest thing of all to learn. Agree with him. Whatever it takes. Go to the restroom and come back, perhaps whatever it was will be gone. At some point you may be able to simply change the subject. Sorry, no sugar coating here. Search now for ways to support yourself. You/we must find strength. Religion has gone from me so I've turned to distractions and brutal acceptance of the reality. Try to find things that make you happy, things that you can enjoy at home. Do what ever it takes to keep from dwelling. Dwelling is natural but harmful. I've even pretended that this plight is like signing up to serve in battle. Once at the battle front, regrets set in. I remind myself that I can't un-enlist. I'll have to stay in and fight and hope to come through it. You will come through it. Just really use your intellegence to do your duty and survive.
TO COCO. Dear Coco. Your "handle caught my attention. My wife's favorite fragrance is Coco. In any case. I went the anti depressant route. Please do not disregard it. They've been around for ever. When we care too much we sometimes need extra help. Anti'ds simply evened out my emotional state. I don't even know they are there. One day, when this is over, I'll go off the anti'ds but until then, they have saved me. Just this year, I was so desperate for anything that could help me endure I turned to Physical activity. Joined a 24 hr fitness. My wife just sits there and reads (I,m lucky) I work out pretty hard now after 6 months. The exercise gives me a tiny little high and it takes the fight out of me. I'm so thankful I started, I'll never stop. Just a small bit of something for you to think about.